CREEP

My car was running on fumes, empty from a long drive.
I met him at the BP, where he was buying matches.
A fine mess of a man....cute and charming with a gentleman's voice.

What a distraction he was...little did I know,
there was a delusional creep lingering within
his handsome facade.
He offered me a stick of gum while we waited in line,
and I accepted it, ignoring the signs....

My gut was flipping inside-out, questioning the
matches in his hand...
He told me it was for his girl... she did him wrong.
"The b***h deserves it...no second chances."

I asked him what she did to deserve such harsh words.
He told me she couldn't be trusted...(that's what the voice
in his head told him.) Then he bent down to whisper in my ear,
"Would you like to meet her...she's in my trunk?"

Chills crept up my spine when he smiled at me...
and with his subtle gesture, I knew that I was next....

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Warrior]

Great story telling. This did justice in the realm of getting the message across. Great message. There's lot of times where a story can have a great message to aim for, and have a lot of under lining things but then no one gets it, and if no one gets it, then the point has failed. But in my opinion this did well to get the message across. You made it clear, which is why I think it's good. Keep up the good work. What was also great was that I could imagine the story as I read it, and that is also a strong point of stories. The ability to have the reader imagine it because after all we're reading not watching it, but it was as if I was there as I read this, and that is great. Good job once again.

[Blank]

Okay wow, that's very aptly titled. I like the occasional horror story, and you did a fantastic job conveying the tension and uneasiness, especially in so few words. At the very least he's upfront about the fact that he's a psycho... that's good I guess lol. Very creative, very good.

[Quill~]

:) thank you kindly!

[Dye]

What a "creep" indeed, I love the story. You got so much out there in a few paragraphs.

Gotta watch out for those "cute", "charming" types, they are just so easy to trust.

[Robert Strzalko]

I like the part when you discover that there is a girl in his trunk. For me that is the clincher. To be standing at a gas station and talking with a stranger and then to discover something like that would be incredibly scary.

[Quill~]

Very scary...creepy, eh.?
:) thanks for stopping by Robert!

[Friday]

Hmm. An almost spooky story very well written. Great!

[Quill~]

:) thanks Friday... glad it's a bit spooky for you.

[Chris]

A flawless telling of a unique path ...taken.

[Quill~]

:) thanks so much...I appreciate your take on this story, Chris.

[Chris]

The twists weren't contrived and that says a lot.

[Quill~]

it's my first story, so it means a lot that it wasn't forced... thank you so so much.

[Nick.B]

Woow, really a creeper, very creative and raw imagine...great job

[Quill~]

:) thanks Nicky!.... I'm thrilled that you liked it.

[Rees Thomas]

having the sounds of paranoid android kind of make it as well as not make it. But a nice piece of writing anyhow

[Quill~]

:) thank you Rees.

[SteveB]

Well done. It is the little observations, the specific details, that give this piece its power. The "running on fumes" says so much more than "I was low on gas", the "whisper in my ear" hints at so much more than "he said".
You created a sense of dread through suspense. I remember reading an article about Hitchcock where he said it is much more effective to show people at a table and then show a bomb under the table and then go back to the people at the table then to suddenly have the room explode. You hook the viewer/reader by exposing the impending horror and that is much more effective than springing it upon them. In this case "ignoring the signs" is your equivalent of showing the bomb under the table. You don't specify the signs but let us know they are there.
Well constructed. Thank you for sharing this.

[Quill~]

:) thanks SteveB for your detailed words, it means a lot.. and I love Hitchcock!