A Moment

This is a short piece which I have written for a contest on another site.

 

Running my hands through the tall grass, golden, my fingertips catching the tops of the reeds. Placing one of the tips between my thumb and forefinger I squeeze, enjoying the release that spreads up my arm as I loosen my grip. This action, as with all movements at a time like this, seems to be in slow motion. The swish and rustle of the grass seems to move within me, making my body sway with it. It is as if some force beyond me, beyond all that I see, is guiding each step I take. As if this grass will part and show me where to place my feet. The sounds of birds in the far off trees making me think of floating away with this force. 

 The still and the quiet of this moment, and the white warm sunlight bathing me, makes me feel as though someone should be filming me. Not only that but I have the feeling that those watching back would be equally able to feel the slow motion and the peace; like a poem, they have the same effect on people.

The field is beautiful and quiet, it is really quite the cliché, and I enjoy it all the more for this. In a big open space like this it should be easy to be open with all ones thoughts and feelings. One should be able to shake off all that burdens us at all other times. It feels as though those thoughts are bordering this field, but they cannot penetrate this space that I have made my own. Despite the sunlight, my eyes, naked without my sunglasses, are hurt by the light, can see all of my troubles floating or running away. Leaving me lighter, as I had removed all of my clothes and roamed with the wind. The thought of the grass stroking my flesh fills my chest with an empty sensation. 

There is no way of knowing how long I have been here. Just like there is no way of knowing just where you are right now, only that I know you are here with me. In this open space maybe we could fill the air with all we need to say, those little half sentences or those words which remain suspended on our lips only making a slight sounds, which we then state was nothing. My mind has become an empty attic room, or an open field. Now that I have cleared all out of my mind I have room for all of your thoughts. Having given them all to me I can let them roam, leaving just you and me and this open space.

Author's Note

Constructive criticism please.
Although this was written for another contest I feel that the first image captures - in some way - what I was describing here.

Reviews

[Jordan]

Such a beautiful image that you have portrayed here. You have very wonderful imagery shown through this as well.
I believe this very much captures 'The Moment', you know...There are sometimes when I get this sensation to run through my body when I'm roaming through someplace somewhat like this that you have described.
I hope more people can experience sensations and blissful feelings such as this. You have described everything very well, and it would be a blessing to read more things such as this. Such a beautiful painted image that's been painted for our eyes.

[Oxonian]

Really enjoyed this, very evocative and so well described. I am a reader and sometimes think that the technical things that are pointed out are not noticed by the reader - what they like is something that engages them. This piece certainly did that for me. Thanks for sharing.

[Michelle Allende]

awesome

[mick weller]

Hello,
ah, yes... sometimes it's great to get yer kit off and be as one with nature! Breeze therapy...
far off (far-off?)
ones thoughts (one's ?)
One should be able to shake off all that burdens us at all other times - one-us? (we?)
half sentences (half-sentences?)
attic room (attic-room?)
`all out of` -Lose?
I think you get away with `reeds` there, though it seems I think you mean to say the seed heads maybe?
but this is a nice read and I was there with you - yes, I think you have captured `a moment`...
there is a sensation of swaying walking through long dry grass, losing one's sense of relativity to the surroundings as everything is in motion
I question the use of `beautiful` as beauty really is in the eye of the beholder... ie. a hay fever sufferer would percieve this differently maybe... so letting the reader absorb the beauty of the scene as derived through you description would maybe make the piece stronger, although then accepting that the 1st person viewpoint allows for this
cheers - thanks for this

[Clarisse Nanoit]

I'm glad you entered this into my contest as well as the one it was written for. It's a piece I feel everyone should be required to read. It describes an intimate relationship with nature that I so envy. I don't get a chance to enjoy the outdoors as much as I'd like sometimes. This piece helped me do that without leaving the comfort of my computer chair, and in an increasingly-indoor world, this piece fills a very big space. I love it!!
KH

[Todd Rose]

Wow, I absolutely love this piece! You've truly captured a dream like quality with your words. I have to agree with TypeO . . . while I honestly feel this is a very strong work, you could paint an even more vivid picture by taking in more of the senses. What does the tall grass smell like, what are the ambient sounds? You say the field is quiet but is it so quiet that you can hear your ears ringing? Or is it a comparatively quiet to, say, a city with all of its bustle? My favorite part of the entire work was the sentence "In this open space maybe we could fill the air with all we need to say, those little half sentences or those words which remain suspended on our lips only making a slight sounds, which we then state was nothing." This is truly a beautiful and poignant statement.

[A.K.Bruhn]

wow down to every detail it felt like i was there that was awsome job

[.]

A very interesting and uplifting piece. I was quite enjoyable to read. The only specific thing I can think for you to look at is in the first two sentences you use "top" twice, without much space between the words. You might think about changing the second "top" to "point" so that you avoid sounding repetitive and you also get some alliteration "placing." Other than that, this was a very well written piece and a good read. Great job.

[Type0]

I've told you before, but I think that this is a fantastic piece of writing. I really like the imagery you've got, and the overall feel of the piece. It feels almost like a pome in the way that it evokes sensations; it's really vividly written. I would like to see more exploration of the other senses: you've touched on feel really well - but what does this field smell like, what taste is on your tongue?

The final paragraph still isn't tabbed across: is that intentional or is the format messing up again?

I really like this. Well done. x

[Robyn]

The imagery in the opening lines is beautiful, maybe there could be some more of it near the end? There's not much else to constructively criticize, it's an excellent piece.