Cinnamon

This is yet another old piece of mine. Just thought I would get it out there and see if anyone had any new constructive criticism.

The white mug
Is presented to me like a trophy
Here is a representation of my love
I, like a gallant solider have braved the screaming children,
The tired businessmen, the arty, angst filled teens,
And returned with this treasure,
Like King Arthur with his grail.  

Except,
You have brought me this trophy, topped with a mountain of cream
Sprinkled on top,
Cinnamon.
Its spicy smell a reminder
This brown snow covering the white mountain
A reminder of how little you know.  
This is not what I wanted.

Author's Note

Contructive criticism please.

Reviews

[alma7]

Really like this, the timing of it is just perfect. It holds so much, humour, good use of metaphor and great imagery. I have read it several times and I love it.

[Jon]

A little gem, this one - like the reviewers before me I was very taken with the twist and the timing of this piece - really well executed humour. Don't know if I read too much into it but I really liked the metaphor too - for me this is about way more than coffee.

Good stuff!

[Jordan]

Lol....the imagery that you have portrayed was indeed right on. Though, just the humor within this was enough to draw me back to this, but the imagery would also be enough to beckon me back to this very piece for another read.

I love the way that this writing appealed to a reader's senses though. A persons' sense of smell, sight, and even taste, maybe? It was just wonderfully done. Now, about that humor, it was ironically funny on how you described everything. A wonderful way to say everything, my friend. Thank you for brightening my day up! I think I may have one of those...extra whipped cream, you know?

[Brax]

Construtive you askk...well..First off the imagery was right on...and the ending was the true topping on the cup..if you will..hehe

The third line.."Here is a representaion of my love" Well it may be a bit strong for the meaning that is try to get accross.. With you using the "king " metaphor...it is said that kings are most generally respected due to it being an obligatin of some sort..buyt as of love..well..it was not around too often..for the king..Perhaps he had too much power for one person...who knows..On the contrary you did use King Arthur as your imagery..So that makes up for it I suppose..he was loved for what he did..but in this peice he was presented with a flaw...a person that perhaps only respected him enough to bring him the cup without hesitation of thinking if there was a specific way to present it...which in turn voids out the love...

Eh..perhaps Im typing a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

[Brette Medb]

Haha, i loved the ending. I also liked the beginning with the fighting to get the caffeine to begin with. Nice write.


Brette

[Robyn]

I love the twist the poem takes at the end. Very vivid imagery, it especially appealed to my sense of smell. I don't really know what you could change in it, it flows nicely as it is.

[Vlazuvius]

This is simply great. While I was able to smugly find lots to suggest on your story, this blows me away. It's vividly descriptive, ironically funny, and I don't really know what to say other than that I favorited it.

[[untitled]]

I like this very much, very correct to me in some unfathomable way, thank you Charlie.