Alone

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago, about two years ago. Having come back to this I have found that I quite like it. Just felt the urge to put something on here.

I eye my empty coffee cup,
and toy with the sugar packet,
twisting it,
shaping it into something else.
I massage my brow,
close my eyes.

The aroma of coffee,
the fervent burning of my drink,
on my tongue,
and the syrupy mummers of couples,
all invade my senses.

The lover’s oaths,
their vows, with vowels that duet,
a song which flows,
no longer, through my veins.
Its rhythm subdued.

My thoughts,
return then to a familiar track,
thoughts that like my bitter coffee,
linger,
tasting still on my lips.  

That like childhood phantoms,
in the night,
linger,
at the corner of ordinary sight,
straining my eyes.

Once opened,
the image that greets me has not changed.
Not twisted or shaped into
something else.
It is a sort of symbol for my
solitude.

Author's Note

I would love some constructive criticism, but please bare in mind that this is an old piece.

Reviews

[Type0]

I prefer your other coffee shop pome, although its name remains hidden from my memory for the while! But in this, I really like your imagery, and the way you say little tiny things that everyone seems to be able to relate to perfectly. Your first person is someone that is almost like a saddle: reading your pomes it seems as if I am directly behind the eyes of your protagonist!

The lack of structure between the stanzas is something that I feel could be worked on. At the moment is flows freely. I would like to see a tighter structure, I feel that could make the pome more powerful and your fantastic imagery sharper!

x

[bluessadmood]

this is so tender romantic pondering on life,and comparing it with daily sights like the ripple and taste of your coffee,this is sweet,real nice,M

[fireblossom]

tender and beautiful
bitter coffee bitter thoughts
syrupy murmuring

all very appropriate and evocative images.

well done

[dorkfish]

i dont think there is much of anything to improve it! i think its wonderful the way it is. there's emotion and imagery! its very good