The Start of a Story

I'm trying to write a novel. This is what I have so far.

                Dim lights reflect off night green pond, their source being a rundown sedan. The driver presses his finger to the hazard lights as he contemplates this dilemma while in a marijuana-induced stupor. He’s alone because his friends fell asleep from the pot. Where is he? The edge of water, pitch black, with the sound of crickets buzzing in his brain. The popping sound coming from the frogs makes him giggle. He doesn’t remember how he got here. He doesn’t believe in prayer, so he won’t try that. He pulls out his phone from his left pocket, holds the power button, but it doesn’t turn on. He feels a pressure on the middle of his forehead, and knows his stomach is about to reject something out of his mouth. He can’t roll down the window, so he opens the driver door, pokes his head out and sees an alligator with its mouth ready to close onto his head. He sprays vomit on the gator upon sight of it and slams the door shut. He has no clue how to get out of this situation. For now, he decides to fall asleep so the sun with shine on his path out of this darkness. There is a problem with this, though. Our driver is unaware that this happens to be the exact night when police check for suspicious activity in this area of the woods. Struggling to sleep from the sickness he feels in his stomach, he just sits and stares at the stars and the darkness. He likes to think about the hallucinations he has had in the dark and, at that moment, remembers he ate peyote with his friends. Now he wasn’t so sure he did see an alligator when he opened his door. Well, no matter. He wanted to imagine he was Dave Bowman from 2001: A Space Odyssey traveling through all those geometric shapes and colors into the other end of space and time, where he would watch himself grow old, die, and become reborn as the Star Child. He already forgot he was sitting in his car after five minutes of letting the hallucinations take over. I hope no one finds me here, he thought to himself, knowing that his paranoia was starting to get to him. This was his problem with tripping. Always uptight, expecting the worse. He sank into the seat of his car, feeling a tingling sensation that gave him the impression that the car was absorbing his body, and that somehow he was one with the car. After a second of this thought, he thought out loud, No! I must become one with the Universe! With Nature!!! This inspired him to step out of the car and breathe in the grass-dirt-fish combination. He was already imagining he was seeing fluorescent blue dolphins floating above the pond, inviting him to swim. He began stripping, first his shirt, then shoes, pants, socks, and boxers. It felt like a cool 75 degrees outside. He didn’t consider how the water would feel, or how sanitary it would be, but none of this mattered. He was fully engaged in experiencing physical sensations in order to enhance his hallucinations. He stepped into the water and felt a sudden chill on both of his feet. Just a quick dip…it’ll be like a baptism!!! A Baptism!!! He had to be cleansed. He had to become one with his environment. He started to remember why he came here in the first place. He wanted to see the dark and fuse with the primitive life so he could evolve. It was the beginning of his metamorphoses. But…how long has he been here? S**t, I can’t stay here…I have to go home after my cleansing…people will think I’m crazy. He felt paranoia again and decided to put his clothes back on. But once he turned around, he realized it was pitch black out and he couldn’t see where he put his clothes. Mannnn…, he thought. He chose to leave his clothes, wherever they were, and drive home naked. Hopefully his roommates would be asleep when he got home. But now, sitting in his car, he could feel the machine breathing, and he started to freak out from the stimulation. How do I work this thing? So much was going on around him. He thought he saw a man looking at him on the driver’s side out of the corner of his eye. He quickly turned to make sure no one was there, but he became fairly certain that a man was looking at him and laughing. He decided to reach out toward the man to make sure he wasn’t a hallucination. Please don’t be real… He felt glasses and stubble. Christ, oh Jesus, he thought. His fear made the hallucinations more intense. More swirling. He was beginning to feel like he had to vomit again. Move over. I’m driving, the man said. Wait, thought our tripping friend, maybe this man will take me to my sanctuary, where I evolve, and since I can’t drive anyway…but, I don’t even---COME ON, MAN, MOVE OVER!!! Our friend briefly sobered up, then shifted to the passenger’s side. He closed his eyes and told himself he wouldn’t open them until they reached their destination. He heard the car start. He felt it drive in reverse, then turn right, then go straight. He was out of his mind. He forgot someone he didn’t know was driving his car. He could feel his body becoming attuned to every existing thing in the Universe. He didn’t care where he was going. Everything’s different when you trip, he thought. S**t that happens when you trip doesn’t affect the real world.

 

            You can’t see me, but I’m real to everyone else. You think you know where we’re going, but this is actually a never ending shift. We are a species of human you have not encountered, at least not while you’ve been conscious. What you are experiencing now is a transformation into one of us. It is a state in between life and death. I am driving you outside of Earth and into a new beginning. Embrace the sensations you feel. They will be permanent. You will no longer follow the rules every other man follows. You will be invisible yet illuminate. You no longer work for money. You work for the wellness of your species and your planet. Don’t open your eyes until I tell you. When you do, you will see how all that exists in the Universe exists solely on Earth. There is nothing beyond this planet that can’t be perceived anywhere else in space. At least, that’s all we need to know for now. You see, the human race was ultimately meant to become the most intelligent of all living things. If there’s a way into Earth, there’s gotta be a way out, right? Our purpose is to escape. Not just from Earth, but from existence. I’m not saying we kill ourselves or anything. No, that won’t do s**t. I’m saying guide the generations to come, step by step, until we can escape before the Earth can no longer support life. Ya know? Now, some of us, that includes you and me, have an opportunity to experience the final stage of existence. Our purpose is to subliminally guide the present generation of humans. Kinda like guardian angels if you wanna think of it that way. Now, this car ride will feel like forever, but don’t worry. You won’t have to use the bathroom or anything.

Author's Note

Please be honest.

Reviews

[Dewella~Vintella]

Very different, for me at least, but good none the less. You kept my attention till the end, and your put a lot of description and emotion into the piece to create a vivid image on the story.

One suggestions I have is breaking up your paragraphs a little bit more. In my opinion, they are a little long and run together a bit, separating them make it better to move into different thoughts and scenes.

Another is your use of dialog, you didn't use quotations, and you didn't separate them from the rest of the story; Of course, that could be your intentions and your own writing style, which would give me no room to tell you that it needs to be fixed.

The only other suggestion I have is to make your font a little bigger, but that's just me and my eye sight sucks.

Other than that I think you have a wonderful start, I can defiantly see this turning into a very interesting story and I am curious as to what else you have planned for this. There was lot of description, emotion, depth, and interest on what you have so far.

To be honest, it is not something I would normally read, or be interested in; But I am curious all the same and think you did very well.

Great job, keep up the good work. :)

Vinny~