Transformation

I can't sleep for a number of reasons.

1) is most likely because I sleep all day.
2) which is because I'm up all night.
3) i like being up when no one else is.
4) which would kind of turn it into I don't want to sleep, instead of I can't sleep.

This experiment is kind of... not sitting right with me, because I don't want to get high.
Well, to be honest, I never want to get high.
I guess I just do.
I never, ever, ever, want to get high.
Once I am, I hate it.
And once it's gone,

I miss it.

I'm going to light a cigarette now to delay the joint lighting.

Call me pathetic, call me emo, call me whatever you want, I'm listening to Three Days Grace.
I'm sure that sooner or later I'm going to start crying.
TDG does that to me.
Brings back memories.
And then even, makes me think of other ones that I don't want to think about.

Whatever.

Huh. Katerina just signed in on msn. I was just thinking about her.
Uhm... well I guess I'll be smoking that joint now.. I'm going to make myself a tea for when I get dry-mouthed...
actually, I don't know how to work the kettle, so I'm going to just get water...

Okay.... lighting the joint.
But I'm going to continue talking like nothing's happening.
I really don't now what to say.

I'm a cougher.
But that's a good thing right?
Cough more, higher faster?

Something like that.

I don't think I've ever smoked this much to myself before...

my lungs burn.

and there goes the feeling in my hands... fingers? hands...

I clipped it a little early... I couldn't handle all that....
My ipod jabbed into my side like 10 minuts ago and I still feel it.. it hurts... even though I already pulled it out.


My fingers are falling hard and heavy on the keys...
I can see every little click and tap but it's not feeling really... happening....
I

wonder if i Can
CHEW through my lip....

GONE?! I am... now.. gone...
something about.... just talking.. like.. nothing was happening....
This song is on repeat.
repeat....
chasing you down again... why do I bother?
WHY do I do this...
over and... over... over... and over.... i fall for you, try not to, la di da da da.


I have NO idea what I just said.
   
    I'm... reciting the song.

Is that what I'm doing?
   
    Yea. That's what I'm doing...

Wait... who are you?  what are you doing in my head?

    I've always been here...

WHAT!?

I just erased lieke 10 lines of continuing that but I think that's all you really need to know if you're trying to figure something out about me you don't know.

I FEEL. like.... my tongue is swelling and choking me....
But when I rub it on the roof of my mouth, it's feel pleasantly cool and... something.

 

Suddenly I feel digusting. Horrible. DIRTy.
putrid DISGUSTING ugly!
UHG.

I want to take an acid show and peel the skin from my body.
IT DOESNT BELONG HERE.
NOT HERE.
NO NO NO NO NOT HER NOT HERE.

SHUT UP.
OKay. I'm sorry...

MY teeth aregone. my teeth.... are gone...
I really.... really.. shouldn't smoke that much to myself.
I have no tolerance.
I'm really falling.
FALLING.
THIS.
chair

is pulling

me in.

with HOOKS

in my spine..!


F**K f**k...
I hate this.
This isn't normal.
You aren't supposed to trip this badly on weed.

OKAY so IT"S good s**t, yea I know.
But still.... even with the best weed.... this isn't supposed to happen.

Just shut UP Chellsea, get a f*****g grip for a second.

OKAY.

got it?

I have it.

Just shut.... up.

MAKE THIS SONG STOP...

Okay... okay... calm calm calm...

So... ask me something.
Ask me anything.
What are you thinking about right now?
Or.... more like... how are you FEELING now...
now that you're in this state and concidering how you were feeling right befre you smoked.

 

I'm.... feeling....
like I like the girl with slit wrists in my display picture on msn.
Like.... she would for shure die from that. That's alot of blood.
Both hands are soaked.

Oh you know that's just photoshop.

yea, I guess. but still. It's nice to imagine.

GOD it hurts SO MUCH to not do it.
IRONIC?!
It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of not donig it.
And I want to, I want to...
it's been two months since the last time I caused any real damage.
a little less then that since little scratches....

Uhg and I have them there and I can and i really wouldn't... know... it..
not feel it... this confusius .... confusion.... con...

CON.
AHAHA.
Does it work if I'm calling myself a Con Artist?
AHA.
I con people of thier pity and sympathy until they have none left, constantly sucking in
more people and begin the process of detoxifying people of thier love for anything but themselves?

HA.
chew on that.

Whatever you're name is...

WAIT.

where are you going?
don't let me fall.
I just want to be one of you...
Someone you actually care about...
someone you will remember.

this argument isn't happening.


-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
i have a feeling that i wont be seeing him for a long long long time once he goes to toonto
-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
its kind of sad that nick will one day be better than us all and... just leave our lives forever.
-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
off ruling the world
-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
with some male pornstar boyfriend
Katerina says:
i know... i think about that sometimes.
Katerina says:
LOL minus the bf part
Katerina says:
but now i am lol
-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
who sits in his room in his mansion in chains and leather waiting for his master to come home and tall him to take it all, b***h.
-    † C.ђєℓℓ.sєα † -   - [An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art] - says:
LOL
Katerina says:
LOL
 

Sorry nicolas. I didn't... understand ... lol.... I didn't know that what I was thinking was going onto the screen...
you know what else?
I just bit my nail really short and they keys are slowly getting spotted in blood.
BLOOD. from my fingers....

is that bad?

I can wipe it across my wrists and pretend they're bleeding.. HAHA.

He's going to let me down..
They're all going to let me down...

NO... no...
I'm going to let everyone down...

THIS HAS TO END.
There's.. air...
swellling.. in my chest...
expanding..

Please stop talking please stop talking...

please....

I just want to be fucked up, is that so hard to understand?!
I DONT WANT HELP.
I really don't.
It's not that I don't know what I want, I KNOW what I want..


I want to dissapear....

into... nothing...

DON'T tell me there's nothing to be scared of...

now she's gone...

 

This... is... a pathtic way to live.
do you know I have to get up in a few hours?

Is this what dying feels like in the movies?

(Is the writing smaller?!)

This... is the way it should be.
No sadness no smiles.

No anything... something inbetween.
If we could all live in an emotionless state,
it's possible we'd become robots...

who knows.... I... have to go...

I'M SO SORRY.
i'm so sorry. I don't know who I am.

All I know is a want to run away and die where no one knows me... dissapear from everyones life all together.
Dissapear from my own f*****g life.

 

 

goodnighttt....

Author's Note

I'm so sorry if this upset someone. it was for personal reasons.... that I will never understand. so what have we learned from this, children...?

Reviews

[Eagle Cruagh]

It was interesting that you brought a girl friend
in to this episode.

You seem to have an intense desire to indulge in
the negative of life and death. It sort of leads me
to think of someone trying to see how much pain they
can stand. Why ? It would be just as easy and a lot
more interesting, even more intelligent, to test for
the most pleasure you can stand.

Say hello to your friend and ask the friend for help.
Get help anyplace you can find it------FAST !

------ Eagle Cruagh