Are you diseased, my dear?

A Chapter by Chaotica

Online Diary Entry, Dec. 12th 2008

in a moment,

i can go from smiling,

to dying.

I don't know why my mood
always becomes buried under
the never-ending snow fall,
but my will to live seems to
go with it.

thoughts take over that
cause me to shake and
i feel like....

every bone in my body
starts to decay, and I'm
trying to stand but I'm
collapsing inside myself...

Trying to smile, but I'm
completely deceiving myself.

I know this isn't who I am.
So why, for once, am I trying
SO HARD to hide it?

I think I know.
But I don't want them to know.

To be brutally honest, when i read over what i posted on the other xanga sites, i see myself typing it out, wrists burning, bleeding, stomach hurting, head screaming, and i miss it. i miss those days... where i was able to hide alone in my basement and self-destruct, dismantle every overwhelming feeling and charge it, like a battery, like some kind of load and spend card, into the razor as it separated my skin... all the rage, the pain, the fear, the hate, the loneliness... all in one little silver blade... and then the next time i touched it, i was powered by it. reliving all the frustration I'd fed into it, on top of shoving more down its eager throat. i gave it what it wanted, and in return, it gave me the same.

I hate the scars, yet I'm begging for more. but bruises, gashes, scars. ugly little marks that will never go away, to remind me of who i am, where i am, where I'm going... no one, nowhere, ever. i feel an itch underneath my skin, begging, pleading with me... I'm trying to ignore it, drowning it out with booze and fake laughs.

WHO THE F**K CAN SEE THOUGH THIS THIN VEIL OF LIES?
I don't think I can, even...

there so many things I want to say, I want to... scream...
but i can't find the words,
or the words can't find me.

maybe I'm too far gone.