Nothing Changed

I've been sad for years. Don't tell me it gets better.

The cuts healed

The pain faded

But things stayed

The same even still

All that effort

All that pain

Proved for naught

For it all came again

I was too stupid

I was too fat

I was too careless

I was too worthless

For things to change

For it all came again

The nightmares

The feelings I hid

All came out

Of the box that I hid

Long since hope was gone

Now nothing more

Than a husk I walk

 

I smile and go along

With what all others do

While in my mind I am

A little more than dead

No longer do I feel

The warmth of the sun

Or cold of the rain

I put up a front

So I am left alone

By those that care and

By my own

For all I am

For all I do

For all I see

For all I say

I just want to

Feel the pain

And the cold

Of the metal

As it moves

Along the skin

Of my arms and legs

Of my wrists and thighs

To watch red flow down

I yearn

To feel the pain again

I burn

I used the cuts

I need the pain

I need this all

To happen again

For this is my release

This is my time

To finally pay for the crime

Of existing

Of breathing

Of living

Of being

 

18^th April 2017