The Hand that Guided me to the Mask I Wear Today

The questions that keep me up at night and also shape me into the person they see as today

Lilun- means little one. Innocent, naïve and thrown into the world that everyone already has expectations for you

Azure- bright blue in color like a cloudless sky.

Phantom- is there but not really there. Can be noticed but not acknowledge and when asked no one truly knows who they really are

It- the darkness that is a close ally to the MC

 

The Hand that Guided Me to the Mask I Wear Today

Inhuman sounds that were muffled filled the room that was once silent. The choking up for the fresh air that went undeserved or, so they had told me. The inaudible screams I produced fell to my ears, only made it even more painful, as I recollected the times I have done this without anyone noticing me. At some point in this daily routine of a mental breakdown, there was the occasional laughter that rings through the house.

To some people, it’s a good thing that the laughter is produced by the happiness expressed with others but to me it’s poison. A poison that made my life a living hell. A prison inside my body that I can’t seem to find the satisfying cure to it. It feels like a snake had bitten me and its venom has started infecting my blood to the point that I fear I might have a phobia to it. The infectious laughter causes my body to shake and cloud my eyes to the memories that were once called the happy times.

Closed off from the rest of the household where I am in my room where no one ever tries to enter like I have a disease that needs to be quarantined and discarded immediately. A boxed off room with no entrances or exits. A room that defies the laws of humanity and its kill or be killed no matter what is at stake and in this case it’s my desire to be different from the rest of the family.

---

            Indistinct chatter fills the room with all kinds of tones used to say their greetings and stories. I seated myself on the host’s dark sofa with nothing to do as I pick up little by little of the conversations that they say with so much confidence.

Casual glances from person to person as I try to pass the slow beating time that ticked away. Dragging my eyes slowly from each person who held themselves high and mighty for everyone to see. I hear a glass clicking on the table with its contents not all gone. Just discarded and forgotten by the owner and never to be noticed again.

I feel a knot in my stomach as this thought passes through my mind. A bit of sadness and pain, making its way towards my heart. It’s the feeling like someones… no something is hollowing out my chest. That feeling continues enough to threaten my eyes into making my tears roll down my cheeks. No one noticed this slight change in my interior because they don't want to know. They only care about appearances that complement their current mood. They focus only on that which is why they get along so fast.

Recollecting the conversations, I had before with them no matter how many I have with them that distance never seems to get shorter. That bond doesn't solidify but instead materializes and get blown away in the wind. The material is so small that it slips through my fingers whenever I try to reach out for it. As I watch that bond dance in the wind a cold feeling grasps my shoulder and I could feel my entire body freeze by that single touch.

“It's all about how people perceive you.” A gentle soothing voice tells me as it cuts the silence within my mind. “Take notes…” It pauses as it gestures me to look around the crowd that I had once called my family. “Look at how they act. Study them and learn from their actions by copying them. Once you get used to this, you'll grow up fine in this world, Phantom.”

---

Gasping for breath as I take my face out of my pillow and release my hand that’s been over my mouth for a good 20 seconds. Tears stained my pillow as well as my eyes and cheeks. The dry tears made it seem like I had added myself an extra layer. That thought makes me recall that distinct voice whispering to me as clear as the azure blue sky to this day I can still recite its words even if I was just a lilun. That is one of the many recollections that makes my chest feel funny as well as having the feeling of it being empty inside it. I hate that feeling. Always have… and I always will hate it. To the very bottom of my dug-up grave, I like to call my heart.

Those words repeat along my mind as I have finally opened the last flood of tears I have for today and stare into the darkness. That darkness hears my cries as everyone else turns a blind eye to everything. Somewhere along the way, there are chants that echo in the room Burden burden burden burden burden. Somewhere down the line, I began to believe that I was a burden. I accepted each echo with gratitude and savor it like it’s a compliment. Chipping away any shred of humanity I had left.

No matter how many times I have told my family that I hate quiet rooms they ignore me to the point that all I can hear is that voice I seem to be finding comfort with these days. That voice is beginning to change me into someone I can no longer recognize in the mirror. I don’t fear of becoming someone I’m not because just like that voice says it’ll be all fine if I were to pretend that I am all fine. Slap on a smile and just go through the motion that I have grown accustomed to.  

Calm your breathing and think of nothing. I take that deep breath and I could feel that scared little girl that hides away in the darkroom escape me. She runs. Running into its embrace, and it clings to it tightly as if it’s going to disappear on her the moment she loosens her grip. That scared little girl doesn’t know that it’s wrong to embrace that figure because no one taught her that it was wrong. With each breath I take I turn to someone else as it prepares for its first appearance. That final breath I take I am ready to face the cruelty outside the comforts of my home I have called my prison. Ready to face the reality of my family’s true nature alongside with me and my newly formed mask.

That mask I have honed over the little things that I have experienced and observed overtime with the caution of screwing up the well-built plan that has slowly piled into this masterpiece I like to call my own character. From a blank canvas that has no beauty in it to a silver coating of pretentious personality. Covering all the insecurity that has been built up from over the years. Concealing all my flaws and out comes the perfection that all my family wants to see.

That final breath makes all the difference as I open my room door and test out the murky waters that have long been tainted with hidden impulses. Tarnished of the once innocent family gatherings of seeing one another after so long. Thrown away all glimpses of hope into the dark abyss I like to call the garbage bin.

Away from the useless materials, I have once treasured and insecure self as I have begun testing out my masterpiece. Let it go into autopilot and slowly let go of the reins. Let out that little creature into the world. Without instruction nor guidance. Training it to never call for help or show weakness. That’s what it tells me to create and without any questions I did. I created someone strong... someone, independent but for how long can this lilun survive without the proper care of others. How many battle scars will it take on before it crumbles? How many fake smiles will it take for someone to notice that it’s all pretend? If the lilun keeps lying will it eventually become human as well or is it just a little monster that just happens to have some human skin on it.

I watch as my carefully crafted masterpiece works its wonders around people and how they ate up all those lies without any question nor any hesitation. I could feel myself breaking, hurting with that overwhelming sadness that my true personality was never enough for them to acknowledge. Never enough for them to have me around. Never enough to be seen as an equal. Never enough to see that I am important as well. Never enough to know that my presence seemed to be a burden, a nuisance, a coincidence that just happened to be born into their vast family tree.

---

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Keep up the smile and make sure you’re fine. I tell myself as the lilun begins to sway from side to side because of the effects of the alcohol coursing through our veins. I watch myself become more and more light headed as I can emotionally feel the lilun cracking under the pressure of everything it has been through. I could feel the pent-up emotions of all the insecurities slipping through those cracks. All I could do is watch the little one holds up its strength and pray to whoever cares about my well-being as well as lilun’s who is pretending to be me once again to get through the night without any incidents. My prayers went unanswered a few minutes later as my lilun breaks down and all our efforts seem to have been in vain.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” I repeated this simple yet complex sentence along the way home as I was supposed to have a night out with my family and friends. There’s so many meaning behind those words that not even my family could understand what the reasoning behind my weak attempt for forgiveness. I just remember their voices overlapping mine as it shows that they should be the ones dominating the conversation and my life. Adding more pressure and I’m sure I’ll crack but I must build up my walls once more now that everything has come up to light. Holding it in and making a good strong barrier to it. Lock it in a box. Lock it in a cage. Lock it inside the never-ending hole that is inside this heart of mine, so it can never be seen again. Lock it away from the rest of the public eye because I am after all a burden, a nuisance, a coincidence that just happens to be born in this vast world.

“Shut up, Phantom! Okay, just shut your mouth!” Those words are the things I hear the most on the way back from the road. Back to the place I once called home. Back to his territory. Back to his inviting embrace. Back to square one.

Upon returning to my room with the help of my brother as he full on carried me to my bed as if I was some kind of rabid animal that needed to be put into its rightful place. All caged up and hopefully with time it’ll learn its lesson on who is truly in control. Tucking me in with the blankets as I feel like they are the shackles that I had finally got myself out of. Shackling that true personality that had been revealed to the public eye. Shackling me into that dark room where no one else has to see my true colors. Making myself contemplate if it was a good idea to let the little one goes through that harsh experience.

I watched as my brother started walking out of my room and into the light. I watched him close my door so smoothly it was like cutting the last piece of string that once attached to my connection with my family. That faint click on my door closing was the lock that now binds me in this dark room. Trapped, with my thoughts. Trapped, listening to the voices that repeat that same chant all over again. Burden. Burden. Burden. Burden. Ha ha ha ha. Trapped, in the same place with no exits or entrances. Trapped in the same space I'd like to call square one.

I glance around the room as my head swirls by that action. I know I'm in desperate need to sleep but somehow, I don't sleep just yet. I'm looking for something, anything, or maybe it's it I'm searching for. I finally spot it holding my little insecure self in a comforting hug and I reach out to those figures. Leaving myself and hopefully let the lilun recreate itself as I pick up the crumbling pieces of the mask that had fallen. The darkness settles in and helps me create a newer, much stronger mask. Something that won't let people easily in because I can no longer afford to get hurt again. So, I'll become a monster, something other than human and I'll take that pain along with it. A monster that is in constant pain as it feeds lies to everyone else. It seems fitting for me doesn't it? Little one.

 

Author's Note

Most parts of this story are true and no worries. Everything is going well for this character in real life and most people are helping. Tell me if you guys think I need to change.

Reviews

[felioness]

Dark and emotional ... a good read. Some grammar errors but overall a gripping story.