He's Callng for Me

The uncertainties of the past have come to find me in my present.

Warning!!! Those of you who cannot handle reading something dark and morbid you have been advised. Also, remember when reading this, it is a work of fiction and I have thought this off the top of my mind so yeah, enjoy.

I sit staring at the closed door in my room. All of my hope on my life situation with my parents and everyone else around me is gone. Tears spilling out of my eyes as my mind is flashing me glimpses of my past. Like watching a movie, I recall on the memories that have impacted me in a way that made me change my way of thinking.

“Mommy!” I ran up to mommy with a piece of paper I got from school with the number 100 on it. When I got there, mommy was on her phone talking to someone again. I tugged on her shirt and she looked down at me and said.

“Sorry, can you give mommy a few minutes with this person then I’m all yours, okay?” I nodded my head and ran off to play waiting for mommy to come and see my hard work. Those few minutes turned to hours and with the hours of waiting for her turned to waiting the next day. That next day never came but my hope for her to notice me was still there.

I began taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down, so I don’t make any rash decisions that might cause me to do something that I cannot take back. My chest felt like it had an attraction to the floor and was being drawn to it. That feeling wasn’t going away anytime soon so I started hitting my chest to lessen the pain but it wasn’t helping at all. Another memory came crashing into my mind.

“Hey, mom, can I talk to you?” My mom was typing away on her laptop and her phone was near the mouse just in case she gets another call.  I was nervous in talking to her since I needed advice from someone I look up to. My mom looked up from her laptop and gave me a smile.

“Of course, Catty, you can always talk to me about anything.” I smiled when I heard my nickname fall out of my mom’s mouth. It made me think that everything was going to be okay. She still cares for me even though she is working really hard and is rarely home most of the time, it’s not going to affect us as a family.

“Well, I need help with-” The phone goes off and I am interrupted by it once again. I let out a groan that went unheard from my mom as she picks up the phone. The conversation on that ends was taking forever and I really needed to talk to her about something. “Mom” I said to get her attention but she put up a finger to give her a minute and turned her back on me. I waited for her for that minute but the conversation just kept going. Growing irritated by the lack of effort in trying to end the phone call I walked up to her and snatched the phone right out of her ear. My mom looked at me with shock but was quickly replaced with anger.

“Give me the phone.” She demanded as she went to reach out for the phone but I didn’t listen to her and just hung up on whoever was on the other line. “What did you do that for? It was important.” She said and clenched her teeth which was a sign that she was getting angry but I was also too angry to stop myself.

“Is it really important to dismiss your daughter? Your own flesh and blood.” I said hoping that she would understand what was happening.

“Yes it is.” She said with no hesitation and the look on her face showed no regret in saying it even when we were having a long silent moment. Letting her words seep into my mind understanding her words that cannot be forgotten now.

“Well, isn’t that fantastic? You value money over your child, well guess what I am no longer your child.” I tried saying it with a calm, unwavering voice but it betrayed me and my voice was soft and cracked up as I started crying. My mom didn’t even flinch at my words and just smiled.

“Oh, you stupid girl, you don’t know it yet but no one cares about you. I certainly didn’t so what makes you think that other people will.” She said with her arms crossed like she had won the battle and the war. My heart dropped at the mere sentence she had said and she left the room laughing.

After that heart shattering moment with her, I went off to live with my father since I couldn’t stand the fact that she didn’t care about me not even for a single bit. Like I was an obstacle in her life and a burden. I initially thought that living with my father was going to give me the attention I have craved for in a long time. I was wrong. It was worse, living at his place. I was nothing but a stranger to him. Whenever I tried to get close to him he would tune me out or just ignore me. I held my breath hoping that the lack of oxygen would get rid of the memories but that attempt was all in vain. I let out a silent scream as I began crying even harder than before seeing as my past won’t ever leave me alone. I felt invisible for the first time and maybe it should stay that way as I remember what had just happened hours earlier.

“I’m sorry.” I said with a shaky voice as I looked at the mess I made on the kitchen table. I was hoping that my words were enough to convince him that I was truly sorry, but he didn’t accept it. He took up the object that was closest to him, which was unfortunately was a beer bottle, and threw it at me. It almost hit me and it crashed on the wall, I looked at the shattered pieces that were scattered on the floor.

“Don’t tell me that you're sorry, you pathetic animal.” He barked at me with so much anger I thought that he would throw more things at me. I stood there shaking in fear as I could only hear the ringing in the room even though nothing was playing. Silence. I hated the sound of it. I would do anything to leave it, so I decided to break it. I could feel my heart racing on what I was about to do next, I opened up my mouth and belted out a scream.

“Someone, help me please!” I yelled as loud as I could and kept repeating it as I ran to my room with him hot on my trail. With each step I made, I had felt the hope of someone noticing what I am going through and come to rescue me. I could feel his burning gaze on my back knowing that I have defied him. I got to my room and shut the door opening up the window to scream it out hoping someone would hear my desperate cries. He came into the room seconds later and tore me away from the window. He didn’t watch his strength when he tore me away from the window because the next thing I knew I hit the wall and had collapsed onto the floor with no strength left for me to stand.

I couldn’t breath as I struggled for air just by that little impact. He loomed over me and I blacked out. Once I came to, I was in my room with him sitting beside me holding my hand. He was smiling and his eyes filled with relief but no worry. Darkness. The only time where everyone's true self comes out to play I came to believe in.

“I am relieved. Do you know why?” He said with happiness in his voice and I shook my head but I had that faint idea that it was about me being fine. “No one came to rescue you. It proved my theory right, you are worthless and no one cares about you so…” He gripped my throat and looked me in the eyes. “Shut your mouth and know your place that way maybe I can actually love you.” I nodded knowing that the world was a cruel place where no one would ever look out for each other. Everyone was so immersed into their own world that there was no room in helping others in need. SLAM! That’s the door that closed me off to the world and leaving me all alone to defend myself against everyone who comes into contact with me.

Shaking my head out of those memories that I have fought over time from being repeated inside my head. I gaze out the window as it was almost dark out. My parent's voices began to repeat and echo in my mind like a broken record. Going over and over again and the memories that come with it doesn’t seem to stop. Each repeat I go through, more of the tears come making it even worse as I can’t help but, be influenced by their words. You don’t matter. No one cares about you. You are worthless. Maybe their words are right. No!  I shake my head trying to fight so hard to not give into the idea that I was a waste of time but the pain was still there. But, nothing I have done has made it any better. I need something to wash out the pain and memories from my mind. Something grabbed my attention and I couldn’t help but smile at it. One last attempt wouldn’t hurt right?

I walked over to him and I can see the glint in his eyes of happiness that I have come to confide in him. I glanced into his eyes and all I could see was a reflection. In the reflection showed me, a little girl, huddled up in the corner of the room. Trapped in the confinements of my home where there was nowhere to run. Fragile. Pushed to the brink of no return. That little girl no longer wants the attention of her parents anymore. She wants to become invisible, that desire embraces her more with each passing day. Being invisible to everyone including her parents would result in no more pain that others have put on her, no more struggles to keep something that was barely there and lastly no more burdens on anyone else.

Reaching out to hold his hand in the last attempt get rid of this pain inflicted by my father. I grab his hand and I’m not ready to let go of it anytime soon. The feeling of his cold hand on the tip on my fingers as the sensation spreads to my palm reassuring me that I have found comfort with him. As I gaze into his welcoming eyes I know that everything is going to be okay. When he touches my arm I begin to feel a sense of relief from all the pain that has been growing on me over time. Dragging. I craved the sensation of the gentle caress until his grip tightened leaving imprints of his fingers on my skin. Drawing line after line smoothly over my flesh, like he was trying to find a specific place on a map.

Pain. It’s making me forget about the memories that I have no desire of recollecting, as I begin a new path in my life. It numbs me to the point that the memories just fade away and I am at a bliss. I know it’s wrong but I don’t want to stop. His addicting nature encourages me to reach out to him whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. I have this sweet release where it stings for a bit, but turns into nothingness, as I no longer have to look back upon my past. A smile creeps up to my face knowing I have finally won battle with my memories.

“I’ll be seeing you again soon, my dear friend.” I say as I stare at the blade in my hand with my arm cut up with blood flowing down from it.

Author's Note

So what did you guys think? Hate it? Love it? What changes should I make so it could be a bit better? What worked and what didn't work tell me your thoughts?

Reviews

[Becs]

I could actually feel the pain while reading this.. Very good

[CrimsonShinigami]

Thank you very much. I tried my best to make the piece a little bit relatable to the readers.

[FailedWizard]

i think it was great. a good story about the pain of not being loved. it made me tear up. keep it up

[CrimsonShinigami]

Thank you very much I try my best to making it seem real