Father Knows Best

A woman struggling with Bipolar Disorder needs her father but he is a pedophile.

Father Knows Best

 

                It started innocently enough at bath time. Daddy would wash with a washcloth everywhere except in between her legs. He would use his hand for that. Gracella was three "years-old. Sometimes she felt his finger penetrate her. She felt odd about it but didn’t have the vocabulary to tell her mother. At the age of four, Gracella, called Gracie, insisted that she take baths alone. She preferred showers anyway. She didn’t have to look down there. Her father acquiesced and she thought that would be the end of it. At night, however, Daddy would come in the bedroom and spoon her. He wouldn’t touch her but again Gracie felt funny. Gracie thought about what to do until she saw a TV show where there was a lock on the bathroom door. She thought maybe she could ask her mother for a lock to her bedroom door. She could say that her little brothers would come in at night and bug her. She asked her mother but she refused. “Just tell your little brothers to stay out of your room.” Her mother said with some annoyance. Gracie began having nightmares and wetting the bed so Daddy gave her Nyquil ™, saying it would help her sleep. It did knock her out. She didn’t remember anything. She didn’t know if Daddy came to her room at night or not. She had strange dreams of being smothered and sometimes it hurt down there. One time she found blood in her panties. She threw them away before her mother would discover it. She was very moody and had a lot of strange nightmares. This continued until she was eleven. She saw a sex education video and it really scared her. What if Daddy was having sex with her? In the video it said you can get pregnant if a man puts his thing in you. When Gracie got home she took off her clothes and looked in the mirror. She didn’t look pregnant. The video said you had to have period first. She remembered the blood in her panties. She could be pregnant. She cried hysterically and took a hot bath. She stayed in the bath until dinner time. At dinner she was very quiet but her parents didn’t notice because her brothers were acting out.

                After dinner the family had a meeting where the children; Maxi, James Jr, and Gracie were told that Daddy was moving out. Gracie heard them arguing a lot from their bedroom for the past year or so. She wasn’t surprised, but the boys were shocked. They started crying hysterically for Daddy not to go away. Daddy said he would visit on Saturdays and he would be there for Christmas and birthdays. Gracie was relieved. She still planned on telling Mother in case she was pregnant. The boys went to bed after the meeting. They were exhausted from crying. Gracie helped in the kitchen. Daddy took his things and stayed at a motel. He would be back this weekend to pick up the rest of his stuff. Gracie steeled herself and said “Mom?”

“Yes, Honey?”
“I think I might be pregnant.”
Mother laughed and said “Why would you think that?”
“I saw a video in class today about making babies and having your period and I think Daddy has been having sex with me at night and I found blood in my panties and I might be having my period.” Gracie said breathlessly.

Gracie was sitting at the kitchen table drinking some hot coco when Mother walked up to her and slapped her in the face. The force was so hard that Gracie dropped her mug of coco on the floor and it broke, spilling hot coco on her lap and all over the floor.

“Don’t you EVER make up stories like that AGAIN! It’s bad enough that Daddy and I are separating for you to make up a story like that so he can never see you kids again. GO TO YOUR ROOM! “

Gracie was shaking all over with rage. Her face was hot and she was crying. She walked slowly to the bannister and went upstairs without looking once at Mother. She was tempted to slam the door to her room but she didn’t. She went to her bed and cried until she fell asleep. She couldn’t be for sure if Daddy was having sex with her but why was she feeling pain down there? Why did she have blood in her panties? Why did Daddy give her Nyquil ™? What about bath time all those years ago? Was she imagining things? She would watch Cagney and Lacey a lot. What if she didn’t have enough evidence to accuse her father? Would they keep him from seeing her and her brothers? What should she do? She didn’t want Daddy to be deprived of seeing her and her brothers and she definitely didn’t want to be hit again. She decided not to tell anyone because Daddy was out of the house. She would tell someone if he moved back in later. It wouldn’t be Mother.

                When Gracie turned thirteen, Mother and Daddy’s divorce was final. She was relieved because she would never have him in their house at night again. Mother offered Nyquil ™ to Gracie when Daddy moved out and she said no, she wanted some hot coco instead. She still had strange dreams but not as much as before. She did get her period and understood that she wasn’t pregnant. She saw Daddy on Saturdays until one day she asked Mother if she really had to go seem him. Mother said “no” and told Daddy that Gracie didn’t want to see him on Saturdays anymore. This was when Gracie was fifteen. The boys still saw Daddy and were puzzled as to why Gracie didn’t want to see him. Gracie just felt weird around Daddy. She kept having flashbacks from bath times and bedtime and all the strange dreams she would wake up to. She knew she couldn’t tell Mother about it so she kept it to herself.

                When Gracie was twenty-one, she graduated from college with a degree in English and Communications. She wanted to be a writer and motivational speaker. She moved in with Mother and tried to find a job. She started to have severe depressions and went to the doctor who prescribed an antidepressant. She took it as prescribed and felt better. Then she felt a lot better. Then she felt glorious and began to have visions. Her family wasn’t religious but she began to read the Bible and fancy herself a prophetess. She kept these racing thoughts to herself until they went out of control. She told mother who promptly called 911 when she took all her clothes off and exclaimed that she was an angel. Gracie had to be restrained to a bed for the night. It was then that it was determined that Gracie was Bipolar. Gracie spent several weeks in the hospital and was prescribed Lithium. She went home and fell into a deep depression. She applied for SSDI and SSI at Mother’s urging but was denied. She was told that being denied is common so she appealed and was denied again. At that point Mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. The boys would move in with Daddy. Gracie decided to stay with Mother. Her depression wasn’t getting any better so she saw a counselor once a week. It was during those sessions that she revealed her abuse from Daddy. She realized that she had had a mild depression during her teen years due to the abuse. After she decided not to visit Daddy, Gracie stopped talking to him. Mother explained to Daddy that it was just teenage angst. During her college years, Daddy tried to contact Gracie but she never returned his phone calls.  Mother‘s diagnosis made Gracie have complicated feelings. She didn’t want Mother to die but she was still angry at Mother for not believing her when she told her of Daddy’s abuse. Gracie’s depression lifted somewhat and she found a part-time job doing surveys over the phone.

 She continued the counseling and decided to believe herself when she was under the suspicion that Daddy was having sex with her. When she had her manic episode she had visions of Daddy raping her and feeling her at bath time when she was young.  She was filled with rage at Daddy for doing these things to her. She was angrier at Mother for denying that these things had happened. Seeing Mother weak from chemo and losing her hair made Gracie feel some compassion for Mother. She tried not to be as angry at her but it was difficult. Surgery and a year of chemo eradicated the cancer. A year later the cancer came back and had metastasized to Mother’s brain. Gracie gave up on applying for Disability and looked for a full time job. Maxi joined the Air Force and Johnny started high school.  The boys got along well at Daddy’s place. Daddy tried calling at Mother’s but Gracie never wanted to talk to him. 

Mother’s savings and retirement had been eaten up by cancer treatments. Her house was paid "off but it was a large house. Mother left the house to Gracie in her will. Gracie found a full time job but it was a challenge keeping it because of her depressions. The funeral was small with only a few family and friends. There was a luncheon afterwards and Mother’s friends from the cancer support group came. Daddy came to the funeral and luncheon. He hoped that Gracie would talk to him before she left. Mother was Catholic so there was a service for her at The Epiphany where she attended. The luncheon was at the Doubletree Hotel in Aurora; CO. Gracie was sitting at the head table, eating and drinking Mimosas when Daddy came up to the table. Johnny was sitting nearby talking to Maxi who had been given a hardship leave because of his mother’s cancer. Gracie dreaded this moment but kept her anger bottled so that her brothers wouldn’t know what was going on.

“Hello. Sweetie, how are you holding up?” Daddy asked with compassion in his voice.

“Hi, Daddy. I am doing alright. “

“If you need any help with the house bills, I am happy to help. I know that house is huge.”

“I am going to have to sell it. You are right it is too big for me; Unless Maxi wants it. “

“He isn’t dating anyone seriously. I could take over the bills and you can stay there until you’re able to get a smaller place, sweetie.”

Gracie hated it when Daddy called her “sweetie” it made her sick to her stomach. She let it go , though because she knew by dealing with a sick Mother that old people have their habits.

“I was wondering if you could come over to my house for some dinner tonight. “

Gracie swallowed hard. She wanted to say “no”, but she knew that it would not make any sense.”

“Sure, Daddy, I guess. “

“How about dinner at seven?”

“Sure, Daddy”

Daddy got up and went around the room meeting and shaking the hands of Mother’s friends. Gracie stayed until the last few people left. She knew most of Mother’s friends from taking her to the doctor and chemo. Volunteers from the cancer support group came by and helped clean and brought meals over while Mother was sick.

Gracie’s hands trembled on her steering wheel. As she approached Daddy’s house, she took a deep breath. No matter how nice Daddy was going to be she was determined to talk to Daddy about her molestation. She endured a hug from Daddy at his door. He let her in. He showed her the table which was laden with Gracie’s favorite foods: baked chicken, broccoli and cheese, Caesar’s salad, and chocolate cake. He ordered the cake from her favorite bakery. Johnny had a sleepover at a friend’s house that night.

“I’ve become a much better cook since the boys came to live with Me. “, Daddy chuckled.

“It’s great, Daddy. Thanks. “Gracie said politely, as she ate the chocolate cake with milk like she always ate as a child. Daddy left the room and came back with two wrapped presents. “I don’t know if you still collect dolls. Mother said you buy one occasionally on The Shopping Network. I found these. I hope you like them.” Gracie opened the boxes and found a porcelain doll dressed in a Victorian costume and another dressed as a Geisha. They were very nice and very expensive. Gracie wanted to smash them. She really needed to talk to Daddy. She carefully put the dolls down and asked Daddy for some tea. As Daddy prepared the tea, Gracie thought about how she would broach the subject of her molestation. Now that Mother was gone, Gracie felt that she needed to explain her anger and hurt towards Daddy.

“Daddy, I need to talk to you about something”, Gracie said quietly as they sipped their tea. “I have childhood memories that confuse and haunt me. I need to ask you about them.”

“Okay, Sweetie,” Daddy said cautiously.

“When I was little you used to touch me between my legs at bath time. And when I was older you used to sleep with me in my bed and I think there were times when you had sex with me because I remember hurting and having blood in my panties. “

“This must be very difficult for you to say. You think this is true?”

“I have had these memories since I was three, Daddy.”

“Sweetie, I didn’t molest you or have sex with you. When you were little you would put things like Legos ™ and things down your pants. I had to make sure you weren’t smuggling anything to bed. Yes, I slept in your bed when Mother and I were having arguments but I never had sex with you. Your mother told me you thought you were pregnant because of the sex/ed class you were taking. You were probably getting ready to start your period. That would account for the pain and the blood. ”

“So it’s like that. You’d rather deny it and make me feel like s**t!”

“I can’t admit to something I didn’t do, Sweetie. “

“I didn’t get my period until I was thirteen, Daddy. Explain that!”

“I did a bit of reading about girls and puberty since you were my only girl. Girls can have pains before they start their period. Same with the blood, girls can start ovulating as early as age nine. “

“When I was in the hospital I had distinct visions. They were based on my memories, Daddy!”

“You were sick, those “visions “weren’t real. That sex/ed class really did a number on you. Mother went to the teacher to complain but it was a state regulation that all children in that grade must go through it. Gracie, you must believe me I never harmed you.”

“Daddy, this is my truth. I can’t deny it away. It will be easier for me to forgive you if you admit it. I will forgive you anyway if you don’t. I want to have a relationship with you now that Mother is gone.”

“Sweetie, I want to be close to you too, but I can’t admit to it because I didn’t do it. “

“Daddy, I can’t deny this either. I feel that it really happened. Let’s just agree to disagree for now. “

Gracie wanted to leave right away. She took Daddy’s gifts and put them in Mother’s car. She left and didn’t take Daddy’s calls. Mother’s bank called and said that Mother had a safe deposit box there. Gracie had notified the bank of Mother’s passing. They said they would give her the contents of the box as well as the account since she was Executrix of Mother’s will. Gracie discovered that Mother put a second mortgage on the house. When she sold it she had less than one hundred grand left over. She was hoping to get a condo so that she wouldn’t have to work full-time. Grieving for her mother and dealing with Daddy made her depression worse. She got an apartment with her new job and moved in right away. She had a twelve-month lease. Going to work was very difficult for Gracie. She tried to keep this job. She had the job for six months and then was fired for being late. She wasn’t sleeping at night. Sleeping pills didn’t work. She felt herself slip into a deep depression.

On one of those sleepless nights, Gracie went through Mother’s things. The safe deposit box had a diary and her marriage certificate. Mother always had neat handwriting so Gracie began to read it. It was before Mother got married to Daddy. She dated him in high school and married him after he graduated college. A line in the diary made Gracie implode. “I think my boyfriend is a pedophile with a smiley face next to the word.” Gracie read on about Daddy’s obsession with The Little Orphan Annie and Shirley Temple. Daddy expressed how if he had daughters he would dress them up and put them in a pageant. Mother wrote how she wanted all boys so he wouldn’t be tempted. Later she wrote that Daddy never touched girls inappropriately and his obsession was purely innocent. Mother put her foot down about the pageants but let Daddy dress Gracie up every Easter. There were pictures of Gracie wearing really expensive dresses and hair do’s. As Gracie got older after the divorce, Daddy didn’t make such a big fuss anymore.

Gracie cried until she had dry heaves. Mother was joking, of course, when she said Daddy was a pedophile. Perhaps she was concerned? Gracie had reason to suspect that her memories were correct. Another problem was her joblessness. How was she going to get an apartment without a job? She could buy a camper but she wasn’t a very good driver. She would have to trade in Mother’s car for a truck. That would eat up all her savings. The thought of staying with Daddy made her physically sick. How could he sit there and lie to her and make her feel like an idiot? She would put her stuff in storage and stay in a hotel. She had six months left on the lease. She was feeling really bad. She didn’t know how she was going to find a job. She also would see her psychiatrist to see if she needed to change medication.

James Roy Sr. also known as “Daddy” woke up in his den with a hangover. He was retired from the Engineering business for about ten years now. His son Johnny was a late arrival to his joy and Marge’s. When Gracie accused him he was mortified. He didn’t know that Gracie remembered bath time or him sleeping in her bed when she was ten to eleven-eleven-years old. He remembered sleeping with Gracie and having sexual dreams. He would wake up with his underwear around his ankles. He thought that Gracie didn’t remember anything until she told Marge about being pregnant. He was terrified. He stopped going into Gracie’s room at night.

 Gracie was his only daughter. He was surprised that he had a girl because he came from a family of boys. She was a blessing. He was a little obsessed when she was younger because he had a preference for young girls since his childhood. There was nothing but boys in his family so he would play with the girls from school. He was fascinated with them. He loved Shirley Temple and Little Orphan Annie.  His brother caught him playing “doctor” with one of the girls. He got a beating of his life from his father. Later on be became a “Peeping Tom” around school and the neighborhood. Several beatings ensued because of that. Then he got a camera for Christmas one year in high school and that was the best. He began taking pictures of girls in the playground. He bought a powerful lens so that he could take pictures from far away and not alert the police. In the summer and spring months, he went to parks and took pictures of girls there. He learned to develop the pictures himself so that no one would be suspicious. He never contacted any girls; he was just content to take their pictures. He had sexual feelings about young girls and would masturbate to the pictures he took. When video tapes came out he would watch Shirley Temple and Annie and masturbate to those. Pageants became popular during the eighties and James wanted to put his daughter in them but Marge objected because she thought it would feed his obsession with girls. Marge didn’t know the extent of his obsession. She thought that he liked child stars. He took thousands of pictures of Gracie and took videos of her but Marge thought that was just a fatherly obsession. James and Marge had a regular sex life so he was able to keep his obsession in control. When they started having marital problems and stopped having sex that is when James began to have a problem. He would take Gracie with him to the park and meet other mothers with girls Gracie’s age. He would give them candy and play with them along with Gracie. After these playdates James would have to go home and masturbate. Then he started to get kicked out of the bedroom and began sleeping with Gracie. Gracie was having nightmares and James started to give her Nyquil ™ for sleep. She would scream in her sleep so he started to lay down with her. He fell asleep and began waking up with his underwear around his ankles. The first time it happened he was mortified. Gracie slept better with the Nyquil ™, so he thought she didn’t remember anything. Against his better judgment he kept sleeping with Gracie until she told Marge that she might be pregnant. That terrified him. He stopped going into Gracie’s room and slept on the couch.

Now the chickens have come home to roost as Malcom X said once. Gracie remembered his molestations. He denied them to her out of fear. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he was a pedophile and had molested his daughter. He thought he could keep his sexual desires separate from his daughter but, frankly, he couldn’t help himself. As Gracie turned twelve, his desires abated and he no longer felt sexual feelings for her. He continued his “hobby” of taking videos and pictures of young girls at the school playground and the park.

He tried to call Gracie but she wasn’t returning his phone calls. He decided to write a letter to her explaining himself. He wrote the letter and sent it certified so that he would know that she received it and didn’t throw it out. He contacted Father Flanagan at The Epiphany and had confession with him. He felt better but wondered if his pride had destroyed his relationship with his daughter.

Gracie had been in bed all day with depression when the door rang. She put on her robe and went to the door. The mailman had a certified letter. It was from Daddy. It said “important please read” on the front of the letter. Gracie hadn’t been taking Daddy’s calls so this didn’t surprise her. Was he going to make more excuses or confess? She signed for the letter and went inside. She thought about tearing up the letter but decided that she wanted to hear what Daddy had to say even if it was another denial. Gracie read the letter and wept. She wasn’t crazy or delusional. Her father was a pedophile and hade raped her. Mother must have suspected but had rose-colored glasses on. When she was faced with the truth, she was terrified and lashed out at Gracie. Instead of anger, Gracie felt relief. She knew that her father loved her. She was glad that he confessed to her. It meant that he wanted a relationship with her. She wasn’t going to excuse what he did to her but she would forgive him as she forgave Mother.

James and James Jr were sitting out on the patio when the phone rang. It was Gracie. She read the letter and wanted to come over. James asked Johnny if he could give him and Gracie some privacy. James Jr.  went to his friend’s house. Gracie came to the door. James opened it and Gracie gave him a big, long hug. Tears came to James’ eyes. They went inside and Gracie thanked James for confessing. James said he would get help for his pedophilia. Father Flanagan hooked him up with a support group for sex offenders. “I had no idea how much I had hurt you, Sweetie; I just hoped you forgot about it. Is there anything I can do for you now?” “Well, I am going to need a place to stay in a few months. “ “You can stay with me and Johnny for as long as you need. You can use Maxi’s room. He isn’t living there anymore. “Gracie and James had lunch and talked about her struggle with Manic Depression. “I am so glad you never committed suicide, Sweetie, I never would have forgiven myself.” Gracie said she would be getting extra counseling on her depression. Her psychiatrist changed her medication perhaps in several months she could look for a job. Gracie was glad that she read Daddy’s letter and forgave him and Mother. She needed her father in her life.