All The Rooms Of My Heart

A Story by Ellen Roberts

A woman loses her husband of six months.

All The Rooms In My Heart

By Ellen Roberts

Evangeline Watkins’ eyes flew open. It was a struggle to ascertain her location and time of day. It was a Tuesday, she recalled, sometime in the morning. Perhaps she had had a nightmare. She let out a sob as she realized that she was living a nightmare. Her husband was dead. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room she remembered she was in the bedroom of the condo she put on the market when she married Connor Garrison. After calling Connor’s brother and visiting the morgue she spent the night in the condo. She couldn’t bear sleeping at the house she shared with her new husband. The thought of being surrounded by his smells and possessions made her physically sick. The condo still had living room furniture , a dinette set , and two queen beds. She left them so that she could show the condo do potential buyers. The walls were bare and impersonal which is what she needed.

Images from the previous day burst into her mind with such speed and intensity that Evangeline squeezed her eyes shut and cried “Connor!” She began weeping uncontrollably as the reality of Connor’s death sunk in. It was what she had feared would happen and why she married Connor so quickly. Evangeline couldn’t help the thought that entered her mind “God has taken two husbands away from me. I don’t deserve to be happy”. At that thought the tears flowed hotly and abundantly. Evangeline knew from experience that this grief must run its course. She let out a cry of despair as she didn’t know ho long the process would take or how she could heal the gaping wound in her heart. She remembers how the nightmare began.

Evangeline was typing away on her home computer wondering why Connor hadn’t made his habitual lunch hour call. It was 3 pm when she heard a knock at her door. It was a highway patrolman. He said that Connor died in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. Stunned Evangeline left the man standing there and sat down at her couch. The blood drained from her body and went limp as she sat back into the couch stunned. The highway patrolman asked if she needed help. She said no. Is there anyone she can call? , he asked. She said yes. The patrolman left. Time crept by as she somehow found the strength to get up and find Connor’s address book. She was going to have to call Connor’s younger brother , Eric.

As she moved toward the phone Evangeline tried to banish from her mind the image of Eric’s face as he heard of the death of his only brother. Seven years younger than Connor, Eric looked up to Connor and was very close to her older brother. They were both fishing enthusiasts and shared many vacations fishing at various locales. Evangeline was fond of Eric because he treated her with kindness in contrast to Connor’s mother. Evangeline felt his mother’s treatment of her was mysterious. She sighed and reached for the phone. Eric should be at home from work by now. She took several deep breaths as the phone rang. “ Please, Eric, be home I don’t want to have to leave a message” Evangeline almost gave up when a click was heard.

“Hello?” Evangeline never noticed how similar to Connor Eric’s voice was .She stifled a sob and said, “Eric?”

“Yes?”

“Eric, this is Evangeline. I have some extremely bad news for you about Connor.”

A short pause and then, “What’s happened?”

“Eric, Connor was killed today in a head-on collision with a drunk driver.”

This time the pause lasted longer.

“He’s dead?”

“Yes, Eric, I am so sorry. “ The last word was punctuated with a sob. Evangeline couldn’t bring herself to speak. She began to cry uncontrollably.

“Evangeline are you alright?”

“No. I can’t believe this is happening.” Evangeline said between sobs. “I spoke with him this morning. He told me he loved me. “Again, the last two words were dissolved by tears.

“Oh, my God, Eve” Eric said in a slow whisper.

Evangeline could bear it no longer. Only Connor and Eric ever called her “Eve” It was as if her husband was calling her from the darkness.

“I-I need to go to the morgue and make arrangements. Can I call you back later? “

“Of course, I will call mother and make arrangements to come down there”

“Call me back when you know the time you’ll arrive here and I’ll be sure to meet you at the house.”

“Alright”, Eric said quietly.

“Eric, how will I ever be able to get through this?” Evangeline croaked.

“We’ll do it together”, Eric said with conviction which, again, reminded Evangeline of her husband.

“Goodbye, Eric, Evangeline sighed.

“Bye, Eve, take care of yourself. “ The phone clicked.

Evangeline realized that her emotional state was not good for driving across town to the city morgue to view her dead husband. She could think of only one person to call. She needed someone who would hurt almost as much as she did about losing Connor. Her best friend since moving to California was Christie McColough. Evangeline and Christie hit it off right away because they were both professional writers , had been married once, and had no children. Christie was a typical “California Girl” type ; blonde, beautiful, and perky. She also had a sharp intelligence and wit. She made a decent living writing screenplays and teleplays whereas Evangeline was a successful novelist and film critic. Evangeline began to dial her cell phone number with trembling hands. She wondered how she was going to get through seeing her dead husband and having to make decisions about his body.

“Hello?” Evangeline’s throat caught.

“Hello?” Christie repeated

“Christie?”

“Evie?”

“Christie, something terrible has happened. Connor is dead. “

“What?” Christie blurted.

“Connor was killed in a head on collision with a drunk driver today. He’s dead, Christie.”

There was a long pause then.

“Evie, my God. Are you alright?”

“I need to ask a favor. Can you pick me up and take me to the morgue?”

“The morgue?” Christie repeated as if she were in a state of shock.

“Yes, Christie, I need to go to him. I need to see him” A flood of emotion filled her throat paralyzing her vocal chords.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at home but I’m going to stay at the condo later. Christie, I can’t bear to stay here tonight.” The tears began their familiar course down Evangeline’s face.

“I’ll be there right away”, Christie said slowly.

“Thanks so much, Christie”

Evangeline stood there with the phone in her hand realizing that Connor would never be home again. She sank into her couch and wept.

Evangeline didn’t know how much time had passed. She looked at the clock and saw that it said seven p.m. She willed herself from her couch and found the file box where they kept important papers. She pulled out the marriage certificate to take to the morgue in case they needed it for identification. She kept her professional name because it was easier than changing it but she suddenly regretted it because once again she was a widow. “God why do I have to go through this hell again? Do you want me to die alone?” She heard the bell ring and walked to the front of the house.

She opened the door and saw Christie standing there with tears running down her face. Evangeline saw the pain in Christie’s eyes and broke down too. They stood hugging each other for a long while. Christie walked in and sat on the living room couch.

“Evie, tell me what happened. You said it was a car accident?”

“The trooper said he collided with a drunk driver. That’s all I know right now.”

Christie took Evangeline’s hands in hers as they sat on the couch.
“Oh Evie, I am so sorry. This must be so hard for you. “

“Christie, I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I love Connor with all my heart and now he has been taken away from me. “

“Evie, there is nothing I can say that will comfort you right now. I will be there for you and so will you church family.”

“Honestly, Christie I don’t feel like praying or being in church right now. I feel as if God has punished me for being imperfect” Evangeline bowed her head.

“Evie, that’s not true. I don’t know why Connor had to go right now, but hold on to the wonderful memories you have. “

“I don’t want memories, I want my husband!” Evangeline cried with deep despair.

Christie and Evangeline hugged and cried. After a while Evangeline said, “ I need to see him. I still feel like this is some kind of cruel joke.”

They arrived at the morgue at 9 pm. They took the elevator to the basement floor of the hospital where the trooper said Connor was. Evangeline hated the smell of hospitals as it was but the morgue smelled like bleach and formaldehyde. As they approached the front desk, Evangeline reached out for Christie’s hand. The attendant was polite but distant as he led them to the back room where they kept the bodies. They stood in front of a sea metal drawers. The drawer gave out a groan as the attendant pulled it to reveal Connor’s body. Christie let out a gasp. Evangeline’s knees went weak but she willed them to hold her weight. It was Connor.

Evangeline was surprised that the drawer could contain Connor’s six-foot-three inch frame. He was wearing what she saw him in that morning: a blue plaid flannel shirt and black jeans. She noticed a gash on his forehead and blood on his shirt. Except for the gash and the blood he looked as if he were sleeping.

“C-can I touch him?” Evangeline asked with trepidation.

“Yes, ma’am”, The attendant said.

Evangeline forced her right hand from her side and gently rested it on his forehead. Her left arm rose as if it belonged to someone else’s body and rested on his chest. It finally hit home that Connor was dead. She would never look into his deep blue eyes again. They had always anchored her . Now she was lost without a compass once more. Evangeline let out a loud sob and allowed herself to weep over her husband. The other people in the room seemed to disappear and time itself stopped. Eventually she stopped crying and the world came back into focus.

“Ma’am?” The attendant said softly. “We need you to fill out some forms so that you can have his personal affects.”

“Personal affects,” Evangeline repeated.

“Yes, if you would follow me?”

Evangeline and Christie went back into the front room where Evangeline filled out paper work. She received a manila envelope that contained Connor’s wallet, cell phone, rings, crucifix, and miscellaneous papers.

“Um, I don’t know where to take his body yet. “ Evangeline said to the attendant.

“We can hold him here until you can make all the necessary arrangements.”

“His brother is flying in probably tomorrow.”

The attendant handed Evangeline a card with the hospital address and the phone number to the morgue. Suddenly a thought ran through her head. “ I can’t leave him here in this stark darkness!” Evangeline forced the thought from her mind and walked out with Christie behind her.

Christie insisted on getting something to eat. Evangeline couldn’t remember the last time she ate food. They stopped at an all-night diner near the condo. Evangeline ate silently and didn’t offer any conversation. She needed to get some clothes and toiletries from the house but didn’t know how she was going to do it without breaking down. When she was almost done with her dinner she asked Christie to go into her bedroom and pick out some clothes and other essentials for the next two days. Christie obliged. Back at her condo Evangeline collapsed on the deep red sectional she had in the middle of the living room. Christie left after a while and told her to call if she needed anything. Evangeline went into the guest bedroom and fell asleep. She didn’t awake until the next morning so deep was her emotional exhaustion.

Tuesday morning. Evangeline woke up disoriented and confused ;until she remembered the nightmare of the day before. With a deep sigh, Evangeline eventually rose from the bed. She ran a hot bath and sat in it for a long time. Christie said she had good memories to hold on to. Maybe that is how she would get through the grieving process. Her brown skin glistened in the morning sunlight as she reached for a towel. She began drying herself beginning with her short Afro and on down her body until she was dry. She dressed in some sweats Christie picked out for her and put on her shoes and walked into the living room. Evangeline sank into the couch and looked toward the door. In her mind’s eye she saw Connor enter on that August day; the day of her birthday party. The day they met for the first time.

Evangeline had been in San Diego, CA for over four months when she decided to plan a party to celebrate her fifty-fifth birthday. She moved to California from Denver , CO five years after the death of her husband, Charles. After her mother and older sister died she had no ties in Colorado. Her other sister lived in Wyoming with her family of four children and her husband. Evangeline felt it was time to move on.

She visited San Diego for a writer’s conference and fell in love with the city. As a successful author she could afford a nice place to live. She decided on the condo because she didn’t like doing yard work. It was a two bedroom with a deck and two levels. She loved the living room because it was nice and spacious. She decided to decorate in Modern because it was different from the Southwestern style she was used to. It also gave her an excuse to buy new furniture and decorations.

Evangeline was active in the Littleton Church of Christ while living in Colorado. She made numerous friendships over the years and would definitely miss the close relationships she built over the twenty �"plus years she attended the church with her husband. She found the San Diego Church of Christ in the phone book. Rev. Logan Ferris, lead evangelist of the one-thousand plus membership, spoke with her at length about the church and various ministries available to her. When she visited to buy her condo and make other arrangements for moving she felt at home with the people she met and in the months after she moved, she formed friendships with many of the single brothers and sisters who were roughly her age.

She really hit it off with Christie McColough because she was also a professional writer. It was Christie’s idea to have the birthday party and make it into a single’s get-together of sorts. The day of the party Evangeline and Christie immersed themselves in preparations. Evangeline was so busy greeting guests and serving food and drinks that she didn’t get a real chance to mingle. Things calmed down after the cake and presents were given. As she began unwrapping presents and thanking each giver she noticed someone out of the corner of her eye. He was tall, about 6’3” with jet black hair pulled into a pony tail he was wearing a flannel shirt and black jeans. He had what looked like work boots on and a cell phone holder on his leather belt. He seemed to be a blue �"collar type but what caught her attention was his gaze. He had expressive blue eyes and was standing toward the back with his arms crossed. She’d never seen him before and wanted to make his acquaintance.

She was wearing a black and white floral sun dress that Christie talked her into buying. After the presents those who knew her best shared about her and made encouraging comments on her behalf. Evangeline listened and thanked everyone for being so uplifting. She felt someone’s gaze on her and met the eyes of Mr. Blue Collar. She smiled at him but he looked away as if he’d been caught doing something wrong. Finally, things settled down enough that Evangeline was able to meet Connor.

She learned from Christie that he came with Steve Hollingsworth who is divorced and owns a bait and tackle shop here in San Diego. She introduced herself to Connor and learned that he was an electrician. Then she asked him if he frequented Steve’s shop much. That opened the floodgates because he said yes and began talking about his latest fishing excursion to Catalina. Evangeline could have cared less about fishing but something about this brother (he was baptized about six months ago, Steve said) intrigued her. He seemed to be very introverted and reserved except when he talked about fishing. She told him she wouldn’t mind going fishing with him some time. He just smiled at that comment. To show that she was serious she gave him her number and told him to call her the next time he went fishing. The party ended and seemed to be a success. Evangeline began collecting presents and putting them in the guest bedroom. When she was finished with that she noticed that Connor was gone.

Three weeks later Connor called her up and asked her if she wanted to go fishing with him on his boat He called his boat the Sundancer. She agreed and a weekly ritual began to emerge. They would go fishing for a few hours then return to Connor’s house for some dinner. Sometimes Evangeline would pack a lunch for them if they left in the morning. Evangeline knew nothing about fishing so Connor had to do a lot of teaching. He didn’t seem to mind.

Over a six month period Evangeline got to know Connor quite well. He seemed to talk easily when he had a fishing pole in his hands. She learned about his family ; he had one younger brother and an elderly mother. His father died of lung cancer when Connor was in his twenties. He was from Chicago, Illinois and his younger brother still lived there. She also learned that he was married for ten years before his wife succumbed to ovarian cancer. That was ten years ago. At first Connor didn’t talk about himself much. Evangeline persevered in her efforts to draw himself out. Their conversations ran the gamut from politics to spirituality, and opinions about pop culture and philosophy. Evangeline was impressed that Connor was well-read on a variety of subjects. She really enjoyed her conversations with him although she didn’t care much about fishing. Sometimes the conversation between them would become quite heated. Connor was a conservative Republican and she was a moderate Democrat. Tempers would flare at times because of this difference in ideologies. They always seemed to resolve their discussions on politics and race in America. She understood why Connor was so hooked on fishing. It can be very relaxing and one can find oneself escaping the stressful rat race we all live in at times.

The time Evangeline spent with Connor , the more she realized that she was attracted to him. She would look over at him at times and felt a familiar pang in her gut when she watched him manipulate the fishing pole he was holding. She was attracted to his tall frame, long black hair, and expressive blue eyes. It was obvious to her that he worked out. When she asked him about it he told her that he lifted weights and boxed for cardio. Evangeline told Connor she was into Pilates, Swimming and bicycling. She told him that she spent most of her life overweight until she lost seventy-five pounds after the death of her husband. She went from a 22 to an 8 in one year. She even showed Connor pictures of herself at her heavier weight. Connor looked at them had an expression on his face Evangeline couldn’t read. Since he made no comment about it she figured her weight loss was a non-issue.

Evangeline realized that although she enjoyed Connor’s company she may have to curtail the fishing trips. She didn’t feel comfortable being with someone she liked who couldn’t reciprocate. She knew that at fifty-five she was not as youthful and energetic as the women Connor seemed to enjoy going out with. She knew that she wasn’t Connor’s type. Actually, Connor’s type was her best friend Christie. She wasn’t jealous in thinking this. She simply felt that he should go out with women his age and temperament. This was a predicament . She looked up Steve Hollingsworth’s number. He along with Mike Banner studied the Bible with Connor and baptized him. They would have a better insight into things.

“Steve’s Bait and Tackle” , the male voice said with business-like indifference.

“Yes, may I speak to Steve, please?”

“Whose calling?”

“Evangeline Watkins”

“One moment , please”

Evangeline tried to rehearse some opening statements but she couldn’t think of anything that made her feel confident. She would just ask Steve if you could encourage Connor not to go fishing with her anymore and start dating other sisters his age.

“Evangeline?” Steve’s baritone voice was unmistakable.

“Hello, Steve. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“Yes , we’re not particularly busy at the moment. What can I do for you?”

“Well,” Evangeline felt her throat catch and cleared it quickly, “ I need to ask a favor of you. I would appreciate it if you would ask Connor not to take me fishing anymore”

“Why can’t you tell him yourself?”

Evangeline paused and willed herself to continue.

“Steve, I have begun to have feelings for Connor that reach beyond friendship. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to spend so much time with him if I am attracted to him and he cannot reciprocate.”

A moment of silence occurred on the other end that made Evangeline flinch slightly.

“Evie, why do you think Connor wouldn’t be interested in you?’

“Steve, I’m just not his type, I mean I’m older, African-American, and I do have one marriage under my belt which means I am a little more seasoned than what Connor would be attracted to. I really like Connor but I don’t think he could like me. You know that scripture in Song of Songs “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” I don’t want to awaken something that shouldn’t be there in the first place.”

“Evie, I need to let you know something. Remember your birthday party at your condo?”

“Yes, “ Evangeline anticipated what he was going to say but she couldn’t believe it.

“Connor liked you then. He spent three weeks agonizing over whether to ask you out or not because he didn’t think he was your type. Your invitation was so genuine he decided to ask you to go fishing. His feelings for you also reach beyond friendship.”

Evangeline stifled a laugh. He liked her , huh? That was a surprise. Then she remembered how she caught him gazing at her and his relative silence when she first spoke with him. Evangeline was relieved in a way because she didn’t know how she was going to stop liking Connor if he didn’t feel the same way about her.

“Steve, what should I do now?” Evangeline sounded more helpless then she wanted to.

“Let Connor make the next move. Just be patient with him. Be encouraged. You don’t have to doubt his affection for you.”

Evangeline let the knot in her stomach unravel.

“I really appreciate your advice, Steve. You may get more calls from me on this subject. “
“Anytime , Evie . Listen I have to go but don’t hesitate to call me when you need to . Bye”

“Goodbye , Steve” Evangeline said with a laugh.

As she hung up the phone Evangeline’s nervousness transformed into giddy laughter. She was going to have a boyfriend at some point in the near future. Was she ready for that? Her husband told her before he died that if Evangeline wanted to remarry he would be alright with that. At the time remarriage was repugnant to her. When she moved to California she was resigned to her life as a widow. She never dreamed of being attracted to another man or that any man would find her attractive enough to go steady with her.

“Damn!” Evangeline shouted. She completely forgot that she made plans on Valentine’s Day to go out with another brother. There was no way she could change it as it was already the 10^th. She would have to go with him. His name was Ron Childress. He was a sixty-year-old divorcee` and a successful businessman. He was African-American and very dashing. He asked her weeks ago and is planning to take her to dinner at a nice restaurant then go to the church’s annual Valentine’s Day Ball. Well, Connor will have to understand and plan something after that. She wen t all out and bought a new dress , shoes , and a clutch. She event went to the makeup counter at Macy’s with a picture of her dress and purchased makeup to go with her dress. Evangeline didn’t remember if she told Connor about her plans. Perhaps she should call him and let him know. No. She would let Connor call her. If he asked her to the ball she would have to respectfully decline.

It was early Tuesday evening when Evangeline received a call from Eric. He was booked for a red-eye flight leaving Illinois at 3 am. He would meet her at the condo and go over to the house Wednesday morning . Evangeline asked how he was doing with all this and he just said “I’ll be fine”. He said he was more concerned with his mother. She seemed to be taking Connor’s death pretty badly. His seventy-five-year �"old mother is in fragile health as it is. The stress of losing Connor has weakened his mother emotionally and physically.

Evangeline couldn’t believer herself when she said this but she suggested that Connor be flown out to Illinois to be buried there. Eric cried over the phone. He said he wanted to suggest that but didn’t know how Evangeline would respond. Evangeline said it would make things easier for his mother to have Connor there in Illinois. Eric was deeply grateful and said he would make sure Evangeline had something to say at Connor’s funeral. He pointed out that his mother was too distraught over Connor’s death to care if Evangeline participated in Connor’s funeral or not. Evangeline knew she would have a memorial service here in San Diego. She hoped her friend Christie would be happy to help with that.

For the first time she was happy that she had gone to the morgue. She also had his crucifix and a ring she gave Connor for Christmas. There must be something she could give Eric to remember Connor by. He kept journals and had given her a journal with his poems in it for Christmas. That journal was too precious for her to part with. The only thing she could think to give Eric was half of Connor’s lures (because he made them) and one or two of his older prayer journals. Sorting lures for Eric meant going back to the house. Evangeline shuddered at the thought. She would have to go tonight. Perhaps Christie could go with her to the house so she could sort out some lures for Eric. She wanted him to have something that Connor made himself. Connor spent Sunday Afternoons just putting together different lures. He believed , as every fisherman does, that the lures were the key to successful fishing. She watched him make lures one time. It seemed as if he were in a different world when he made his lures. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence at times. Evangeline wasn’t hurt by this because she knew that men needed their space and time to themselves. She kept a box of lures that Connor made especially for her but there were plenty of good lures she could let Eric have since he was a fisherman himself.

Evangeline was in the middle of this thought when the phone rang..

“Hello?” Evangeline wondered if it was Rev. Ferris who was supposed to call back about Connor’s memorials service.

“Connor Garrison , please” Evangeline froze. It must be his boss. She forgot to call him to let him know what was going on.

“This is his wife”

“Ma’am this is Jordan Gilstrap of Gilstrap Electric. Connor didn’t come in to work yesterday nor has he called. Do you happen to know where he is?”

“I’m sorry , Mr. Gilstrap I should have called you sooner. My husband was killed in a car accident Monday morning . He was on his way to work when he was killed by a drunk driver. “

The silence on the phone was deafening .

“Ma’am I am so sorry. Connor never misses work I should have known something happened to him. “

“I am in the middle of making arrangements but there is going to be a memorial service at my church on Sunday or Monday. I will keep you posted about that so you and the rest of Connor’s co-workers can attend. “

“Ma’am I’m sorry to bring this up but there was a life insurance policy Connor took out for you. You will need to come by with a death certificate and claim the belongings he had stored in a locker. “

“Can I do that sometime next week? “ Evangeline felt her throat closing and another fit of crying coming on.

“Sure, ma’am. You can come in anytime you like.

“I appreciate that”

“Take care , ma’am.”

“Goodbye”

The thought of touching Connor’s things and being around his clothes and other possessions made Evangeline physically sick. She could not avoid the house forever. She would have to go back tonight.

Later that night on the 10^th of February, 2005, Evangeline was sitting in her living room watching a movie when the phone rang. It was Connor. Evangeline felt a little queasy and excited at the same time “He knows I like him and he likes me back!” She felt as if she was back in high school again. She stifled a giggle and answered the phone.

“Hello?”
“Eve, it’s Connor”

“Connor how are you?” Evangeline couldn’t help but sound a little perky.

“I’m doing well. Listen , I was wondering if you had plans for Valentine’s Day”

“Well, Connor, I do have plans. I’m going to dinner and the Valentine’s Day Ball with Ron Childress”

Silence erupted over the phone. “Oh no, he’s angry” Evangeline thought with trepidation.

“When did you make these plans?” Connor enunciated calmly.

“Oh, it was weeks ago. Didn’t I tell you?”

“No.” Connor spat.

“I’m sorry, Connor. Ron asked me four weeks ago. “

“Do you always go out with men who ask you? “ “Where did that come from?” Evangeline asked herself.

“I go on dates all the time, Connor, so do you.” Evangeline was beginning to feel defensive.

Silence.

“Connor?” Evangeline knew that Connor’s silence isn’t golden. He was pissed. To fill the void in the conversation, Evangeline said,

“Connor, I am sorry but you are NOT my boyfriend”’’

Click. Connor hung up.

Evangeline swore which didn’t happen that often. She really needed to talk to Steve about this. What is going on? Evangeline didn’t think that Connor could be jealous but she recognized that green monster when she saw it. The high she was feeling just a moment ago evaporated into concern. “I hope Connor doesn’t give up on me.” Evangeline thought that Connor would calm down eventually. She would have to bide her time and let Connor play through.

Evangeline’s date with Ron Childress was a fun one. She loved dressing up and going out on the town in a limousine that Ron rented for the occasion. He was about sixty and an interesting man. He was very successful. He went to Harvard Law and Business schools and traveled extensively. Being in love with Italy, Evangeline asked if he had been to Italy. He said he spent ten days in Venice once. That intrigued Evangeline who went there herself after her husband died. They spoke at length about Italy and all things Italian. Ron suggested that for their next date they should go to the opera. Evangeline smiled and changed the subject without a response. It was a nice night. She danced with Ron and mingled until 1 am.

The Sunday after the dance Evangeline saw Connor but didn’t go up to him. She really didn’t know what to say to him. She could feel the heat of his gaze on her at times which gave her skin goose bumps. She would give him his space and not push herself on him. She liked him but she wasn’t going to act like some giddy teenage girl and chase him.

Two weeks went by and no phone calls from Connor. Evangeline thought this was getting a little ridiculous. She simply stated the fact that Connor wasn’t her boyfriend, that’s all. After all she never got jealous when Connor went out with Christie a couple of times or went out on dates with other sisters. But Connor was a man after all and men tend to get possessive when it comes to falling in love with someone. The thought that a man as attractive as Connor was interested in her made her laugh again.

It was the beginning of March 2005 and Evangeline had to drive to L.A. to meet with some executive types regarding a screenplay she sold their studio five years ago. They paid her for the screenplay but never optioned it for production. This happened sometimes and could be frustrating. Evangeline welcomed the distraction because she was puzzled by Connor’s avoidance of her. She got a hotel room for a few days and met with studio executives. They went over some creative points they felt she needed to clarify. If they decided to do the film it would be a first for her. She wrote a few screenplays but they were sitting in some studio collecting dust.

She was driving her late husband’s Toyota Tundra to L.A. She felt a little more secure in it when navigating L.A.’s highways. She had a Toyota Camry but people tended to act as if it were invisible on the road. As Evangeline approached home she decided that she would talk to Connor at church and smooth things over. As she was thinking this she saw a SUV run a red light in front of her. Evangeline swore loudly and pressed her left hand hard against the horn. The air bag erupted knocking her unconscious.

The next thing Evangeline remembered was someone calling to her. She was put in an ambulance and was taken to the local hospital in San Diego. She told the paramedics that her left wrist hurt and that she was nauseous. The EMT examined her wrist and determined that it may have been broken. They put her wrist in a splint and gave her oxygen. When she arrived at the emergency room they took x-rays and a CAT scan. Evangeline was lying on a hospital bed sorting through her purse (which they found on the passenger seat) when her cell went off.

“Hello?” Evangeline had no idea who it could be. She told Christie that she was going to stay in L.A. for a few days but didn’t recall telling anyone else.

“Eve?” It was Connor. “This is a pleasant surprise” Evangeline thought.

“Hi, Connor” The giddy teenager threatened to surface.

“Eve, do you have a moment to talk?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I have plenty of time. I’m at the hospital emergency room at San Diego General Hospital”

A pause then “What happened?” Concerned permeated his voice.

“I was in a car accident. Someone in a SUV ran a red light and totaled my truck”

“Are you alright?” Connor’s voice sounded peculiar as if he was the person who hit her.

“I may have a broken left wrist and a head injury. I’m just waiting for the doctor to see me. I have no idea how I am going to get home”’

“I can take you home, Eve” Connor said gently.

“Aren’t you at work right now?” Evangeline asked. She couldn’t help but feel encouraged to see Connor after more than two weeks.

“I can leave early and stay later the next day. Eve, you need someone to take care of you. “Connor said in a parental tone.

“O.K.” Evangeline didn’t have the energy to argue and found that she was struggling to say something.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” Connor said with confidence.

“O.K.” It was all she could say. She heard a click and put the phone back in her purse.

Connor was right it was about twenty minutes or so for him to travel to the hospital from work. Evangeline put his name on her list of visitors. When Connor walked into the room Evangeline had to smile at him. He smiled back then he took her right hand and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. The kiss took Evangeline completely by surprise. She looked at him as he sat down next to the bed. Something in his eyes put a catch in her throat. At some point he had cut his hair so that it hung loosely around his neck. Evangeline thought about running her fingers through it.

“You might be here a while, Connor. Are you sure your boss isn’t going to be angry with you?”

“I told him it was an emergency. I’m pretty reliable most of the time so he trusts me. It’s really no big deal, Eve. I just want to make sure you’re alright. “

“I’ll be fine”

Connor took Evangeline’s right hand and gave her a look that made her feel a little uncomfortable. She didn’t know why until it dawned on her. She was thinking of her husband and the fact that the truck was the last thing he possessed that she still owned. She was feeling a little like she was cheating on her husband’s memory. Is she ready to date Connor? Marry him? Being alone really sucked sometimes. She felt that her heart had healed from losing her husband but the experience made her doubt God’s love for her sometimes. She felt that God wasn’t always going to let her hold on to the good things in her life. If she lost Charles she could lose Connor. What was God doing?

“Eve, you look so sad is something the matter?” Connor’s voice was so gentle and kind.

“That truck was my husband’s “Evangeline said slowly. “ I bought it for him when one of my books did well in sales. I’m a little sad because driving that truck was a connection to him. I have pictures and some jewelry of his but when I drove that truck I felt as if his spirit was there with me. I’m feeling a bit sentimental, I suppose.”

“I know how you feel. It took me seven years to get rid of most of Marylyn’s stuff. I just didn’t want to part with any of it. When I did I felt better because I was able to finally let her go. It freed the rooms in my heart for someone else. “

“The rooms in your heart, I like that.” Evangeline smiled and looked into Connor’s eyes. He squeezed her hand and said,

“Eve, I am sorry about our last conversation. I confess I was jealous. I was rude to you and then I avoided you. When you told me you were at the hospital I just had to see you and make sure you were alright. “

“Connor, I forgive you. I suppose I may have sounded as if I were taunting you or something. I am sorry I hurt your feelings.”

The Doctor came in and said “Hello, I am Dr. Hayes. Ms. Watkins you have a sprained wrist and no signs of a concussion. We can release you at any time. Just give us a few minutes to punch out the paper work. “

Evangeline said “I’m left-handed. I hope you can still read my handwriting”

The doctor chuckled “Just scribble something. It’s what all we doctors do anyway.”

Evangeline and Connor left the hospital. Connor talked her into going to his house for dinner. He didn’t have to do that much to persuade her. She was feeling a little sore and out of sorts. She didn’t want to be alone and she couldn’t get a hold of Christie. Connor grilled some steaks and put together a couple veggie dishes. It was a nice feeling having someone fuss over her the way Connor did. Then he brought out a surprise; a Grand Marnier cake from her favorite bakery. She couldn’t believe it. He even had the right flavor ice cream; French vanilla. He had the right kind of wine to go with the dessert. After desert he took her hand and led her to the living room where there sat a large leather sofa in front of a fire place. Connor got the fire going and then left the room.

He came back with a small jewelry box in his hand. He sat down next to Evangeline. “I want you to know that I have grown to love you, Eve. I saw at the birthday party a beautiful, giving, joyous, strong and intelligent woman. I want you to have this.” Evangeline opened the package. It was a diamond heart pendant and matching diamond earrings.

“Connor, this is beautiful. “Evangeline whispered the word, “Beautiful”. “

“I was thinking you could wear them to the latest performance of Pagliacci this Saturday night. “

“Connor, I would love to see that but you hate opera.”

“I don’t think I would mind as much if you are enjoying yourself”

Connor put his hand on Evangeline’s knee and then kissed her. He kissed slowly as if he were savoring it. It drove Evangeline crazy.

“Connor, I love you.” Evangeline whispered in his embrace.

“Connor, I think I’d better go. I’m kind of tired. ”Evangeline lied. The truth was she couldn’t trust herself to be alone with this man too often. She might do something inappropriate for a Christian woman. Connor acquiesced and took her home. They embraced at her door and again he kissed her with a gentleness that excited her.

Evangeline called Christie Tuesday night And asked her if she could meet her at the house to get things ready for Eric. Christie said yes. Evangeline decided that she would go ahead and stay there from now on. Christie arrived that evening and helped Evangeline find two journals to give to Eric and sort out some lures for him. They had a good conversation and shared memories of Connor. They went through photo albums of the holidays and their Italian cruise. Evangeline began to feel a twinge of that familiar feeling of loss and despair that she felt when she lost Charles. At about nine p.m. Evangeline said goodbye to Christie and went to bed.

It was Wednesday and Evangeline awoke to a call from Eric Garrison. He apologized for calling so early but he was at LAX and on his way to a hotel for some sleep. He would call her back later when he was ready to meet her at the house. Evangeline felt emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted after she took a bath and dressed. She decided to lie down for a while and wait for Eric’s call. It was about 2 p.m. when Eric called and said he was on his way over from his hotel.

When Evangeline opened the door she was again stunned by similarities to Connor. He was tall like Connor but had sandy hair. His eyes were blue and intense like Connor’s. “Eve”, Eric said and stepped forward to embrace her. They hugged for a long minute. Evangeline realized how much she would need Eric’s support since her mother-in-law didn’t like her. She would need his strength and encouragement to get through this raw, emotional period. Evangeline let him in and they went over to the large leather sofa and sat down.

“It’s good to see you, Eric. How was your flight? Evangeline wanted to sound as if everything was alright but the feeling in her gut was growing.

“It was long. I was pretty tired and I slept as soon as I got to my hotel room. “Again his voice was so much like Connor’s.

“Well, I have some things for you that I’d like for you to have.” Evangeline went into the next room and brought back a lure box and two leather-bound journals.

“Connor made these lures. I picked out some that were his favorites. He wrote these journals while he was studying the Bible and after he was baptized. “ Eric took the lure box and the journals and put them in his rental car. Evangeline waited for him to return. When he came back into the house he hugged her again.

“Thank you so much for these things . I know it’s hard for you to part with them.”

“I wanted you to have something that Connor made.” Evangeline said with a sob.

“I have some legal papers for you since you are the executor of Connor’s estate. I have a copy of his will and some other papers. I’ll go get them.”

“Evangeline, wait, I have a DVD I made of some home movies of Connor and of your visit Thanksgiving. “

Evangeline stopped in her tracks and turned around. Eric gave her the DVD. Evangeline took it and began crying. Her head bowed because she didn’t want Eric to see her like this. She could not help it. Eric stepped forward and embraced her again.

“It’s alright Eve, you don’t have to be strong in front of me, “Eric said gently. They embraced a long while. Then Evangeline went into the house to get the papers.

Later, they went to the morgue to take care of Connor’s body. When it was over Evangeline returned home. Eric stressed again that she would be able to speak at the funeral. They were planning on having it on Saturday. He was flying back that night and would call her sometime Thursday. Evangeline offered to make something to eat but Eric said it might be better for her to be alone right now. She reluctantly agreed. Evangeline gave him one of the cards from Connor’s lawyer and said Goodbye.

After Eric left Evangeline played the DVD Eric gave her. She was touched that Eric included home movies of Connor when he was a child and a teenager. The movie depicted Connor and Eric playing together on birthdays and holidays. Then she saw Connor and herself dancing together and Connor kissing her cheek and having a snow ball fight that ended in Connor embracing and kissing Evangeline. She couldn’t take it. She was tired of being brave and strong. She went upstairs to bed and wept. She cried out to God, “Why is this happening to me AGAIN?! It is so UNFAIR! She chanted “unfair” like a bitter mantra until she was too exhausted to cry.

Thursday Evangeline didn’t even venture out of bed. The phone rang and people knocked on her front door but she couldn’t will herself to answer. She didn’t care to talk to anyone or see anyone. Images from the home movies she watched yesterday kept entering her mind. She drifted in and out of sleep completely unaware of the passage of time. She woke up and felt a warm body behind her. She turned around. It was Connor. He was holding her the way he liked to when they were asleep. Evangeline knew it was a dream but she didn’t care because she was again looking into his deep blue eyes.

“Connor!”

“Hello, Baby. “ Connor looked at her with a light in his eyes that she couldn’t recognize. He smiled as they embraced again.

“Connor, I miss you so VERY much!” Evangeline began weeping.

“Eve, Baby, I came to tell you something. You need to hear what I have to say, Darling.”

“Yes?”

“Eve, what happened to Charles, what happened to me was ordained to be”

“NO! Cancer took my Charles’ life and a drunk driver took yours! It’s UNFAIR!” Evangeline began shaking her head almost violently. She felt his hands , strong and beautiful hands , on both sides of her head stopping the action.

“Evangeline” Connor said with some conviction, “Hear me, Baby”

Evangeline looked into his eyes and nodded.

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. It’s in David’s Psalm 139, Eve. What would be unfair is if you don’t let yourself heal from this, Baby. Prepare the rooms in your heart for whatever God has in store for you the rest of your days on this Earth. And, Baby, I will be waiting for you at heaven’s door to welcome you into paradise. My love for you is eternal, Baby. “

Evangeline’s eyes flew open. She again began crying not out of despair and loneliness but out of a grateful heart. Two men had loved her until the day they died. They were two gifts from heaven. She remembered Psalm 23 “my cup overflows.” Was the dream real? Evangeline was convinced that, real or not, it was a message from God to help her have peace in her heart. She will have to let herself feel the pain of loss and grieve for Connor. She realized it would be an affront to Connor’s memory if she went through life inconsolable and lost. She needed to allow the wounds to heal and close in their own time. That meant letting people see her weakness and allowing herself the time she needed to mourn. She got out of bed, showered, dressed and began to write in her journal. She wrote a poem that she planned to read at Connor’s funeral and memorial service.

Evangeline found out that Connor had planned a special date for Saturday and was going to give her a gift as a token of his love but he changed his mind after seeing her at the hospital. He decided that she could use the encouragement. A few months later in June Connor invited Evangeline to his mother’s birthday celebration in Chicago , Illinois. Evangeline agreed and planned to stay the weekend. Connor told her they would have separate rooms at his mother’s house. They arrived at the family house on Friday and planned to stay until Sunday afternoon. Evangeline was able to meet Connor’s younger brother, Eric and his mother, Anna-Maria Garrison. Eric greeted her with kindness and warm affection. Connor’s mother, however, offered a rather cool reception. Mrs. Garrison barely spoke to her and provided one-word answers to any attempts Evangeline made at conversation. She offered help in the family kitchen with meals but was told it was taken care of. Connor left with Eric to run errands and purchase last �"minute items for the party. That left Evangeline killing some time in front of the TV.

Saturday afternoon Evangeline was bored out of her mind. She could stand it no longer and called her dear friend Sonja whom she met while in Italy. She was in Milan when she had problems with a Vespa she had rented for the day. Stranded on the road, Evangeline was rescued by a local named Antonio Scolieri who took her and the Vespa (he had a truck) into town. After she returned the Vespa Antonio took her to his family home. There she met his sister Sonja and the rest of his family. Sonja and Evangeline hit it off and became good friends. She calls Evangeline to find out any news of her love life. Newly married, Sonja just couldn’t bear the fact that Evangeline had no lover in her life. Evangeline was ecstatic when Sonja called back. She went into a bedroom and shut the door to have a long conversation with Sonja in Italian. She told Sonja all about Connor and how she was really falling for him. Evangeline positively flipped when she found out that Sonja was pregnant. When she was done she found Connor standing in the doorway. Heat rushed to her face as Connor asked if she wanted to go for a walk. She let him take her hand and they walked out of the house.

“So you speak Italian?” Connor asked with a wicked smile on his face.

“Did he understand Italian because his mother spoke it?” Evangeline thought, panicking.

“Yes it’s not very good just tourist Italian”

“Sounds like you had a good command of the language to me”

“My pronunciation is still very American. I’d love to improve on it by traveling to Italy again sometime. How much Italian do you understand? ” Evangeline asked with apprehension.

“Not much my mother spoke to us in English most of the time.”

“Connor, I need to tell you something” The heat on Evangeline’s face came back in full force.

“What’s that?”

They stopped walking. In Italian Evangeline said “I love you”

Connor smiled, “Why are you blushing?”

“I didn’t know what your reaction would be. “

“Here’s my reaction, “Connor leaned forward with his hands on her face and kissed her slowly and gently the way Evangeline loved to be kissed.

“I’ve beaten you there because I already love you. “ Connor’s voice was joyful.

Evangeline smiled at him and looked into his eyes. The sincerity in his eyes put a catch in her throat. They went back to the house in time for dinner. Evangeline decided that she didn’t care if Connor’s mother didn’t like her. Connor loved her and that was enough.

On July 4^th Connor proposed to Evangeline. He did it at a picnic and fireworks show sponsored by the city of San Diego. He dropped to his knee and gave her a ring and quoted Hosea 2:19 “I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you to me in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion, I will betroth you to me in faithfulness” Evangeline said “yes” and could believe the speed of what was happening. They decided to marry in September over the Labor Day weekend and book an Italian cruise. Neither Connor nor Evangeline wanted a big wedding. They decided to go to the Justice of the Peace and have a reception when they returned from Italy. Christie volunteered to plan the reception and helped Evangeline pick out a dress shoes clutch and bouquet.

Evangeline stressed the importance of pre-marital counseling. Connor agreed. The sessions were twice a week for six weeks and were pretty routine. The subjects of the counseling were finances, personal character flaws, how to resolve conflict and sexual histories. Evangeline tried hard at being open with these subjects but she felt that Connor was holding back. He seemed to be reserved in talking about his sexual history. Evangeline told Connor that she needed him to be open so that she could trust him. Connor nodded then said,

“If you knew it all you might not want to marry me.” Evangeline was stunned.

“Connor, I already love you with all my heart. If you’ve done something in the past it’s already forgiven.”

Connor looked at her and said “I was raped by my father from the time I was twelve years old until I was seventeen years of age and bigger than my father. I also raped a seven-year-old boy when I was fourteen. That little boy was my brother, Eric.”

Evangeline was shocked. “You raped Eric?” She asked finding it difficult to comprehend.

“Yes. I am a rapist.”

“Connor, I am so sorry this happened to you but you are not a rapist”

“My father was drunk most of the time. He would get drunk and get a hold of me. When I raped Eric, I was drunk. I was so full of rage I wanted someone else to fell what I was going through.” Connor’s voice was strained.

“You have such a close relationship with Eric. Did he forgive you? “

“Yes. He forgave me soon after it happened. I don’t deserve his love”

“Connor I still want to marry you because of who you are not who you were in the past” Evangeline got up and took Connor’s hand. He started to cry and kissed her hand. After he calmed down he said “ I am so grateful for your grace, Eve. I know God has forgiven me but I was afraid you would reject me because of what I have done. “

“Connor you are not a horrible person. Horrible things happened to you and damaged you. “Connor stood up and embraced her. They held each other until Connor stopped crying.

Evangeline and Connor made legal arrangements as well after they were married. Connor changed his will making Eric executor and Evangeline beneficiary. He put Evangeline’s name on the titles of the car and house and boat. Evangeline took out a life insurance policy and made Connor the beneficiary. Connor also took out a policy and made her the beneficiary. These arrangements were important to Evangeline because she felt that Mrs. Garrison might try something if anything happened to Connor.

Evangeline watch the DVD Eric gave her again Thursday night. She was able to laugh and enjoy the images of Connor and his brother. She felt an inner peace amid the other tumultuous emotions she was feeling. She understood now that God wasn’t out to get her or force her to live life alone. She didn’t know if she would want to be married again. She would have to leave that up to God. Evangeline only knew Connor for 2 years yet their love was so passionate and strong she doubted if she could find another love like that for the third time. She really wanted to go back to Italy some day and perhaps even live there.

Since the house was also her house and would be for a while she didn’t want to move out of it right away. As Evangeline thought about this she heard the doorbell ring. It was Christie and Rev. Ferris. They had a look of deep concern etched on their faces. “Evangeline are you alright? We’ve been trying to call you since yesterday. Rev. Ferris said with concern in his voice.

“I was having a rough go of it but I feel a little better.” Evangeline said as she let them in. They sat in the living room.

“I just wanted you to know that we are planning on having the memorial service for Connor on Monday. You don’t have to worry about a thing. It’s all been arranged by Steve Hollingsworth. It’s going to be at the Church at seven p.m.”

“Reverend, how do I come to terms with what has happened without being bitter towards God?”

“When bad things happen to good people sometimes I wonder why. But we need to trust God that He will not let us endure anything beyond what we can stand (I Corinthians 10:13). All our days are planned out as it says in Psalms 139. Why some have less time than others it is impossible to know, Eve. “

“I simply dread the whole process of grieving it’s so exhausting. I just want to be healed. “ Evangeline began crying as Christie took her hand.

“The healing will come. All of your friends are eager to help, Evie. Don’t shut us out.” Christie said with emotion.

“It’s just that I feel so weak and helpless right now.” Evangeline sobbed.

“Evie, There is strength in weakness because that’s when God can step in and hold us up. You need to rely on Him and on your friends. “Rev. Ferris said gently.

Christie said,” Evie, you can talk to me anytime. I can come over and stay with you as long as you need me to. We love you and it’s OK if you aren’t at your best. It’s alright to be vulnerable right now, Evie. “

Evangeline just kept crying. She couldn’t look at their faces. She felt Christie give her a hug and returned the embrace. It was going to be so hard for how long Evangeline didn’t know. She was grateful to have friends like these who understood her grief.

Evangeline booked a flight and was able to get a seat Friday night. She would arrive late on Friday and stay in a hotel near the Presbyterian Chapel where Connor’s funeral was. It was on a Saturday morning at ten a.m. Evangeline brought the journal Connor gave to her at Christmas. She was able to imagine his voice as she read the entries. One poem stood out. Connor wrote he penned it when he was studying the Bible. He had ha hard time accepting God’s grace and wrote:

Send Me to Hell

If I prove unworthy to walk the paths of Paradise

Too weak to stand by your side , O Lord.

Never fear, My King.

For your verdict is just and true.

I will walk into the flames with a willing heart and cry “Jesus is Lord!”

As the heat quickens

As my flesh is consumed by your wrath

And my marrow is depleted by fire

From Gehenna I will praise your name.

I will raise my voice in adoration outside the city gates.

For you are still my God

Oh Lord, my only Savior,

Forgotten and wasted,

I will cherish heaven in my heart.

Evangeline was blown away by the humility Connor had. She realized that his gentleness stemmed from such a humble heart. Connor did learn to accept God’s grace and converted others out of his deep gratitude to God. Connor wanted more than anything for his brother to become a Christian. He felt that raping him at such an early age closed Eric’s heart to God. Evangeline tried to convince him otherwise but it was Connor’s greatest fear. She would have to talk to Eric and find out what the truth is.

On the plane Evangeline kept thinking about her wedding day and honeymoon. They went on an Italian cruise but first they stayed in a hotel after the wedding ceremony at city hall:

Evangeline entered the hotel room first with Connor following close behind. It was a typical hotel room with a queen bed, big screen TV, dresser, love seat, table and chairs. The style was Victorian in warm, inviting colors. The afternoon sun peaked through the lace curtains and illuminated the bed.

As she moved toward the bed she keenly sensed Connor’s presence without looking at him. He was now her husband. The thought quelled the nagging feeling of anxiety she felt from the time she woke up in the morning to this moment. She tried to comfort herself by saying it was just pre-wedding day jitters. She wasn’t quite sure, though. She remembered the panic attack she experienced the day she and Connor talked about marriage for the first time. What if she had another one in front of her husband? How would he react? He had never seen her in such a weak state. The fact that they hadn’t dated for very long made her wonder if she was making a mistake. Did Connor really want to be husband to a woman ten years his senior? Did he even want to make love to her? She felt her brown skin prickle as Connor approached and swallowed hard as she turned to meet his gaze.

“Help me with my jacket?” Evangeline said with more confidence than she really had. She turned away from him so that he could take off her white linen jacket. She felt his hands reach in front of her and shuddered slightly. Did he notice? She held her breath then exhaled as he rested his hands on her bare shoulders. His touch was warm and gentle, yet permeated with strength. It always relaxed her and made her feel safe. Suddenly, she wanted to feel the strength of his muscular arms around her and pressed herself against his expansive chest. The anxiety began to resurface as she turned and walked into his embrace. They stood holding each other for what seemed an eternity. Connor was strangely silent. Evangeline had no idea what he was thinking at this moment. She just wanted to savor alone with this man with whom she fell in love so quickly.

Her thoughts wandered back to that day they discussed marriage. She confessed to him her fears that something was going to happen to end their relationship before they could realize the full potential of their love for each other. Connor assured her that in time they would find the right moment to get married. Evangeline felt better and the anxiety she was feeling since that morning melted away.

Instead of fishing that day they went to her condo to eat and watch a movie. In her exhaustion from that morning’s panic attack she fell asleep with his arm around her. She felt so peaceful that she didn’t want it to end. She felt him get up and put his arms under her back and legs. She couldn’t believe it he was going to carry her. She’d never been carried before. The thought left her breathless. She feigned sleep as he lifted her and carried her to her bedroom. Being in his arms gave her such a feeling of belonging and peace. He gently laid her down on her bed then sat there for a while. She pretended sleep a little longer as he watched her. He rose from the bed and squeezed her hand and left. Evangeline cried. She realized how much she needed him. She never that she was going to feel that way about a man again.

“Connor?”

“Yes. Baby?” Connor never called her that before. The words were filled with tenderness. His voice sounded thick, like molasses. Evangeline hesitated then looked up at him and said in a small voice “Carry me?” In one motion she felt his arms under her. Her peach sundress cascaded around her as waled towards the bed. Evangeline felt the anxiety in the pit of her stomach melt away as he laid her on the bed. She looked up into his eyes and found intense love and desire emanating from them. The look in his eyes disarmed her vocal functions as she felt his lips on hers. She felt the weight of his body on hers as they began kissing.

Time seemed to progress in slow motion as Connor and Evangeline embraced. Articles of clothing landed on the floor as they exchanged kisses and caresses. Evangeline became confident that the anxiety she felt would no longer visit her. Her eyes closed as he entered her. She ran her fingers though Connor’s long, think, black hair and reveled in pleasure as a slow rhythm began. Connor wasn’t talking much . Perhaps he was as overwhelmed by emotion as she was. Suddenly , Evangeline felt a strong pang of desire from deep within her. She thought about Connor and wondered what was going through his mind. The anxiety returned and began to grow like a small storm within her. She needed to climax quickly and get out the room before the panic attack overtook her. Then Connor spoke, “ Slow down, Baby,” Connor whispered coarsely, “It’ll happen soon enough” Evangeline felt Connor’s hand move back and forth on her lower back in an effort to relax her.

“Relaxxxxx, Baby” Connor whispered

Evangeline focused on Connor’s voice. The muscles in her body lost tension yet the anxiety in her stomach remained. Moments passed, then like a lightening bolt she felt an intense orgasm. A loud cry left her lips before she could stop her self. More cries and moans and then,

“OH, CONNNOR! Rang out like a bell.

Then Evangeline felt Connor’s body go rigid. His breathing quickened a cray rang out, then,

“EVE!” escaped from Connor’s lips. Evangeline felt his seed seep into her. He collapsed on top of her breathing heavily.

Suddenly, Evangeline felt the anxiety grow with steady determination. “I need to get him off of me and get to the bathroom , NOW!” she thought desperately. The weight and warmth of his body made her feel so complete, though. She hadn’t felt such an emotion since her first husband was alive. The anxiety began to grow and spread into her limbs. Soon it would erupt into a full blown panic attack.

With a deep sigh, Connor lifted himself from Evangeline and lay on is back next to her. From experience she knew he would probably fall asleep. Relieved , Evangeline tried to will herself from the bed. Suddenly the anxiety took hold of her entire body paralyzing her. Her breathing quickened and became audible. The anxiety peaked in its intensity bringing tears to her eyes. “He will see this!” Evangeline thought with horror. “I can’t lose control, not now.” Her eyes were closed tight as she felt Connor move closer to her. “Oh, God I can’t go through this in from of him!” Her body began to tremble as she fought to gain control. Deep down she knew her attempts would prove futile . Her heart was beating at a break-neck pace. Tears came to her eyes as an unexplained terror washed over her. Then Evangeline realized she didn’t wat to be alone. “Connor, hold me”, escaped from her lips . Her words were so urgent they sounded like a command. She felt guilty for sounding so demanding. A sob left her lips as she felt his arms around her. Her eyes remained closed as her body continued trembling with growing intensity.

“You’re trembling, Baby, What’s wrong? Connor asked alarm and concern in his voice.

The tenderness and empathy in his voice was too much for Evangeline to take. She realized that this was her husband and he would be witness to every weakness within her. At that thought She released the sob in her throat and gave in to the intense despair she was feeling. Connor held her stroking her gently, watching as Evangeline struggled to for words in a response to his question but could not find the ability to speak. She simply cried letting the panic attack run its course. Time passed as Evangeline ‘s breathing slowed and her body returned to normal.

She sighed as she felt Connor’s hand gently wipe the tears from her face. She knew she would have to explain to Connor what she was feeling but she herself didn’t know completely. She lay there thinking trying to put together the how and why of her emotions. She realized that most of her emotions came from her feelings of insecurity about Connor’s love for her. He was so handsome, intelligent ,spiritual, funny and compassionate she didn’t understand why he loved her so. She was terrified of the idea of somehow disappointing him and doing something to make him leave her. She also felt that she didn’t deserve such an excellent man and that at some point God would take him away from her. Evangeline sighed as Connor gently kissed her face then her lips. “Evangeline , have I hurt you?” Connor’s voice sounded so vulnerable, like a child’s. “No, Connor, you didn’t hurt me. I was feeling anxious because I didn’t want to be a disappointment to you and cause you to leave. I need you so much and I don’t want to lose you” Connor gently lifted her face so that he could look into her eyes.

“Evangeline” He said it so slowly and deliberately that Evangeline was enraptured.

“I have loved you from the day we met. I spent hours on my knees begging God To send you away from me because I didn’t think I deserved a woman like you. You are intelligent, beautiful, passionate, strong, and wonderful and I will love you all my life. You have filled all the rooms in my heart, Baby. I rejoice and thank God for you each day I’m alive”

“Oh, Connor” Evangeline said slowly. I am not worthy of you. I can’t be the perfect woman you deserve. I have weaknesses, faults that run deep within me. I will fail you”

The last few words were punctuated with a sob.

“Baby, I don’t want a perfect woman, I want you. You can be weak. I’ll be there for you. Your faults don’t scare me and you will never fail me, Darling. Connor’s voice was filled with tenderness and conviction. It was as if the last piece of the puzzle fell into place and Evangeline finally felt free of her anxieties. She could love this man with all her heart and know that whatever time they have together it will be enough for her.

The day of the funeral was a chilly but clear February day. Evangeline actually slept well the night before. She hoped her poem and scripture selection would be an encouragement to Connor’s family. She entered the chapel and found the coffin at the front of the sanctuary. Eric was standing before the coffin. Evangeline walked to a spot beside him . Eric turned around and smiled. Evangeline was glad to see him. They hugged briefly. “ Eric I was wondering if I could speak with you after the funeral.” Evangeline asked quietly.

“Yes , I can do that. Perhaps we can have lunch. “

“I don’t have to leave until tonight. I just wanted to talk about something. We could have lunch at my hotel after the funeral”

“Alright.”

The funeral began at 10 a.m. The chapel was filled with friends and relatives. When the family was seated Evangeline was among them. Eric read a very tender and emotional eulogy. He spoke at length about how Connor took care of his younger brother and always made sure he was doing well. He related stories showing Connor’s love for Eric. Eric also spoke about Connor’s love for his wife and how much this love changed him. Evangeline could not contain her tears at this point. Then an invitation with given for anyone else to come forward and speak. Eric looked at Evangeline directly as this was her cue. Evangeline rose and stood at the pulpit. She said, “I was only married to my husband ,Connor, for six months. That time has changed me forever. I would like to read a poem I wrote expressing my love for Connor.”

The Rooms In My Heart

You filled all the rooms in my heart

Then you had to depart

The feel of your hands on my face

The feel of your warm embrace

But you have soared to a better place

Where there are many rooms

And the Lord has welcomed you into Paradise

I rejoice in this

For I know I will see you again

At heaven’s door

And I will look into your eyes

Where I am home

Evangeline then read Psalm 23 and said “My husband, Connor, was a spiritual man who appreciated God’s grace more than the average person. He shared that grace with me and others . I am thankful for what little time we had together. Thank you.” As Evangeline sat down she looked and shared a gaze with her mother-in-law. She saw love and compassion in those eyes not hatred or indifference. She walked over to Connor’s mother and offered an embrace which she took. Evangeline sat down with tears of peace in her eyes.

As she watched them put Connor in the ground she wanted to cry out and stop them She realized that Connor wasn’t there. He was in a place surrounded by light and love. He was not suffering or missing her. She stood over Connor’s coffin and released a rose that landed on the surface of the coffin. She stood there a long while and said her final goodbyes. “I will heal from this my love. But I will never be the same. “ Evangeline whispered.

Evangeline returned to the hotel . Eric called her on her cell phone and arranged to meet her at the hotel restaurant. They met at the restaurant and were shown a booth.

“Eric, Connor told me what happened when you were seven years old. “

Eric was reading the menu as if he didn’t hear. “He told you that he raped me?”

“Yes, Eric. He said he was concerned that you had not become a Christian because of what he did to you.”

“I read the journals you gave me. It isn’t true.”

Evangeline was relieved by this statement. She and Eric ordered their food. When the waiter left Evangeline said “Connor was extremely grateful to you for the grace you shoed him but why haven’t you become a Christian? I know Connor studied with you once why did you stop?”

“I am bitter toward my father who raped Connor repeatedly. I am also bitter toward God. I feel almost as if it was God raping me, not Connor.”

“I understand the feeling. When Charles, my first husband , died of Cancer I was bitter because I knew he didn’t deserve to suffer. It’s hard to understand the why of suffering especially at the hands of another person. You didn’t deserve to be raped and neither did Connor. I suppose if God can forgive us for killing and torturing His son on the Cross we can forgive others. God gives free will to all of us and some choose evil. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care about what happens to us.”

“I think I understand what you are saying but it’s difficult to let go of the rage. I read Connor’s journals and he had the same problem. He said the Cross impacted him to the point where he could forgive Dad and forgive himself for what he did to me.”

“When I lost Connor I felt the old bitterness coming back . But I had a dream where Connor came to me and told me to focus on healing from his death and realize that God is with me. I so want that for you, Eric. It was something that Connor desperately wanted for you.”

Eric and Evangeline ate in silence. Then Eric said. “Connor wanted me to become a Christian?”

“Yes, Eric he wanted that more than anything. He wanted to know that you were healed from the pain he caused you.”

“I’ll think about it, Eve, but I don’t know if I can forgive Dad. Connor was a child when he raped me. Dad had no excuse.”

“Just try. Let the world of God impact your heart the wat it did for Connor.”

They ended their lunch and Evangeline flew home.

The memorial service on Monday was an emotionally and spiritually healing event for Evangeline. She was with her friends and was able to read her poem for Connor and share more scriptures that Connor wrote in the journal he gave her. People who loved Connor like Steve Hollingsworth and Mike Manning spoke at length about Connor’s prayerfulness, love of God and especially about how much Connor expressed thankfulness for God’s grace. As people shared and sang Evangeline’s heart overflowed with thankfulness to God for knowing such a wonderful man. Once more she made the commitment to focus on healing and staying close to God.

Tuesday morning was a hard one. It had been exactly one week since Connor’s death. Evangeline woke up on the couch where she was sleeping these days. She was not ready to go into their bedroom. Evangeline realized that she was living as if Connor was away on a trip and not dead. The memorial service came to Evangeline’s mind. She began crying as she remembered all the kind words spoken about her husband. She remembered her resolve to stay close to God and let her heart heal. Tears ran down Evangeline’s face as she wondered how long she was supposed to do that.

This week Evangeline had been surrounded by people. They came over with food and meals all week long. Friends and family called daily. Christie visited on a daily basis to bring food and comfort. Evangeline’s refrigerator was positively bursting with food. There weren’t any planned visits today except Christie who might stop by after work. Evangeline suddenly felt a need to pray. She poured out her heart to God between sobs. It finally hit her that Connor was gone and that he wasn’t coming back. She cried for hours until she felt exhausted and hungry. After getting dressed and having a meal she willed herself to go to the bedroom.

She opened the door to the bedroom and felt a keen sense of love. She walked to the closet and found the black blazer Connor wore when he asked her to be his girlfriend. The flannel shirt he wore on her birthday party was hanging next to the blazer. Connor never organized his closet the way Evangeline would have liked. The suit he married her in was the same one in which he was buried. It was his only suit. Then there was his fishing gear; the waders, the boots, even a few poles. Evangeline was avoiding two things; the bed and the hamper. When Charles died she bought a new bed before she could sleep in one again. She took one of Connor’s flannel shirts out of the hamper and lay down on the bed.

Suddenly she felt Connor’s presence when she took a whiff of his shirt. She remembered the dream she had and how deeply she felt his presence then. “My love for you is eternal ,Baby” He said in the dream. Just when Evangeline thought she couldn’t cry anymore tears they came anyway. She let herself cry with abandon because she knew from experience that it was the only way she was to heal. This week had been the hardest in her life. Evangeline realized that the grieving process was different for Connor than for Charles. She knew that Charles would eventually die because of his illness. Connor died suddenly and Evangeline was not prepared. She was in shock most of the week. Now ,however, the shock was wearing off and Evangeline was beginning to understand that Connor was gone for good. Evangeline felt a sharp feeling of loss that she couldn’t articulate to anyone if she were asked to.

The bitterness she originally felt about losing a second husband was gone. That changed the day she had the dream about Connor. She felt more thankfulness than bitterness because she realized that night that she was truly thankful for being loved by men like Charles and Connor. The bed would stay. Evangeline felt that she could sleep in the bed she shared with her husband because she felt comfort in it. Sleeping there reminded her of the dream she had and the feeling of thankfulness that bloomed from that experience.

Evangeline missed fishing. It wasn’t just fishing with Connor but fishing in general. Evangeline hired someone to teach how to drive Sundancer. When she was confident enough she took the boat our by herself and went fishing. She was not even close to Connor’s proficiency at it but she enjoyed the process. In the beginning she would talk to Connor as if they were fishing together. After several months something in Evangeline’s heart changed. She felt more and more like a single person and not a married one. Evangeline realized that she fished more for her own enjoyment and not because she missed Connor. She still felt a sense of loss but as time went by it was not as deep. She felt sad about this at first because she knew she was letting Connor go. Then she realized that letting Connor go was a part of the healing process and she didn’t feel sad or guilty.

Eric and Evangeline kept in contact over the next several months. He would call her to talk to her about religion and his own struggles with faith. Evangeline encouraged him as much as possible and stressed the importance of allowing faith to grow and not trying to force it out of guilt. Evangeline sensed that Eric was feeling guilty for not having faith when his brother died. Eric even visited her on his vacations and went fishing with her on the Sundancer. He was impressed with her boating and fishing prowess.Evangeline denied having either. They talked at length over dinner about Connor and Christianity. That’s when Eric invited Evangeline to see his baptism. Eric Garrison was baptized at SWallo Hill Baptist Church in Swallow Hill, Illinois on September 15,2006.

Two years later Evangeline Garrison Found herself in Milan staying with her friend Sonja, her husband and their toddler son. Evangeline decided to purchase a summer villa in Milan. She is keeping the house she shared with Connor and has made numerous fishing excursion in Connor’s boat. Her time with Connor made her appreciate life’s little gifts and cherish her relationship . All the rooms of her heart are now full with the people she loves and the memory of Charles and Connor.