musing of a law student

Before class…

Groggily, I woke up and glanced idly at the clock.  It’s 12 o’clock noon according to the clock.  Wait.  What?  I literally had to blink ten times trying to change the time but it didn’t. “Five hours.  And fifty cases to read.”  I told myself while still staring at the clock.  “Breathe in.  Piece of small cake,”  I tried to calm myself.  I sat straight.  Closed my eyes.  Breathed in and out.  Positive energy.  Positive energy.  I was relaxed while reading for the first two hours.  

Time check: Three hours more.  I counted the cases I read.  Five!  “Three hours is long.  I still have more time.”  I willed myself to be still despite my now shaky confidence.  I continued reading in a pace faster than the previous hours.

Time check: Two hours more.  Total cases I read?  Ten!  Two hours divided by forty cases.  That would be…I can’t think.  Where’s the calculator?  That would be three minutes for each case!  My heart was beating in frenzy and it seemed like expanding every beat that it literally felt so heavy.  

In class…

The professor is shuffling the classcards.  All eyes are on them.  Automatically, my brain started to chant another mantra I never knew I had until then.  “Please don’t call me.  Please don’t call me,” I keep on repeating.  I’m becoming a mantra expert in law school.  He drew a classcard and called, “Okay, Ms. Alcantara.  What happened to the case of…?”  Yes! I somersaulted in my mind.  It was my seatmate.  But then, there’s still 50 minutes more of agony before the buzzer sounds.  I started flipping the pages of the reading material.  Cramming, I tried to read and understand in the best I can the topics anticipated to be asked next.

Behind me, I could hear the hissing sound of my classmate probably doing the same as fast as he could.  Our professor called another for the next topic.  And another.  Every draw he makes, I could feel my heart stops a beat.  He called another.  I panicked.  Everything that I read was almost covered.  And there’s 15 minutes more! I couldn’t listen to what my classmate is reciting.  I continued reading.  Ten long minutes more.  My eyes were constantly glancing at my watch.  Five minutes left.  “Okay.  I guess I won’t be called.”  I relaxed, at last.  “Ms. Agod.”  Huh?  “Please give us another explanation.”  And I was grilled. 

Unfortunately, that’s me in law school when for some reason I was not able to read before going to class and fate turned its favor against me.  Law school equals lots of reading plus unending recitations.  You can never get away from the everyday surprise of recitations and the perpetual feeling of anxiety.  Surprise because you don’t have any idea when you will be called.  You just have to patiently continue reading and agonizingly wait for the inevitable moment of grilling.

But still, instances like my fateful experience happen to some because of different personal reasons.  As for me, I can make a long list of all the reasons or my “rationalizations” of my failure to read.  For one, because the number and length of the reading materials are so vast that my reading capability was not able to beat; or because procrastination has overcome my will causing me to cram until the very last minute; or because it is already the submission deadline of the required cases to be digested that I spent the whole night and day digesting and writing (as in handwritten) them; or Baguio is so cold that the temptation of the bed and the idea of curling beneath the warmth of the blanket is so strong I cannot resist; or there are moments when laziness really strikes me hard that I find it hard to shift back to my reading mode.

But whatever my reasons are, I cannot get away from the shuffling of classcards as long as I’m pursuing the dream of every law student - to become a lawyer.  And the only way to cushion the shock of recitation surprises is to prepare.  

Each day of everyone’s life is filled with tasks, simple or complicated, which need preparation whether one is cognizant or not.  The quality of preparation you make defines the quality of your work.  And the mindset you have sets the quality of your preparation.  There are those who are complacent and there are those who are passionate and goal-oriented.  

In law school, my choices would be cramming or a well-managed reading schedule.  I could go through the same experience over and over again and possibly suffer the anguish of the post effects if I chose the former.  Humiliation.  Self-disappointment.  Diminished confidence.  Damaged self-esteem.  Consequently, I would be blaming and telling myself that I should have read beforehand.  I wouldn’t wish to be caught again in that dreadful situation.  And my choice depends on my goal.  Am I preparing just for today?  Or for the future?

Having gone through college for five years and a work for almost three years, I can attest to the importance of preparation.  When in college, there are times I regretted some things in high school.  While working, I still find myself dwelling in the “if only” moments.  I often wondered why I always felt unsatisfied.  I got good grades.  I graduated with flying colors, I guess, because my parents never forget what the medal symbolizes.  I was employed in a prestigious firm.  But still, feelings of nonfulfillment often crept inside me.  But now, I realized that I had been doing things the wrong way.  I had been exerting effort and pouring all my best with the wrong mindset.  I did things just to comply.  I did things just to produce the required output.  I did things just to finish.  I allowed myself to succumb to the comfort of being complacent.  I forgot about my long-term goal.  If only I did things with the future in mind.  If only I had prepared with the right mindset, these “if only” moments shouldn’t be bugging me now.

It’s a shame that even now I sometimes find myself in the same situation.  But I’m trying.  I know the path it leads and I don’t want to take it anymore.  We, matured people, should realize that whatever we do today, we are sacrificing a day of our life for it.  Thus, if we are to do something, then we should do it from the heart and with a purpose rather than sacrificing a moment of our life just for compliance sake.  

I remember a promising barrister once said, “After reading, make it a habit to always ask yourself ‘What will this leave me? What principle will I get from this?’  Those are the things that you’ll remember most when the time (referring to the BAR and the law practice) comes.” My teacher in undergrad also kept on saying every after our lessons, “Internalize.”  This applies whether in school, in work or in everyday life.  Of course, this is effective only when you have a well-managed and disciplined schedule.  It’s all about quality preparation - a preparation with the long-term goal in mind.  I want to be a lawyer and I prepare for it.