Lost in the Big Wet Stuff

A Screenplay by Chainsaw Enema

EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN – DAY

GEORGE and WALTER drift aboard a raft, lost at sea. They have long dirty hair and bushy beards that are way overdue for a trim. The only attire they possess is some loin cloth and mud stained skin. On the raft is just them and a sloppily crafted spear. They are of a primitive nature, meaning that they are from before Christ and all that biblical jive. And because of such factoids, their only means of communication is through a very confusing series of clicking, clacking, grunting, and rude gestures. So, for the sake of unnecessary complexity, let's view this rare encounter as if they are speaking in the only language that really matters: English.

WALTER

I'm so bored.

GEORGE

Well, what do you expect? We're on a bunch of logs that are tied together by friggin' bamboo, lost somewhere in the middle of the Big Wet Stuff. There isn't exactly going to be a lot to do.

WALTER

Wanna play twenty questions again?

GEORGE

No, you ask stupid questions.

WALTER

Oh, okay. Sorry. Hmm, I Spy?

GEORGE

Yeah, now there's a great game. Hey Walter, I spy, with my little eye, something really big, blue, and wet. What do you think it could be?

WALTER

Hmm, can I get a hint?

GEORGE

You're an idiot, you know that, right?

WALTER

Sorry. Then what do you want to do?

GEORGE

The same thing I've been doing for the last five hours. Thinking.

WALTER

What're you thinking about?

GEORGE

How much of an idiot you are.

WALTER

Oh … uh, well, carry on then.

Three hours pass.

GEORGE

I hate you so bad.

WALTER
You're not being very nice, George.

GEORGE
I think the time of being nice has passed, Walter! We're lost in the middle of the f*****g blue, drifting farther and farther away from land. How long has it been now, Walter? A day? Two? How much longer do you think we can survive, huh? I am hungry, damn it. I want food. And pretty soon I'm going to take this spear, shove it into your chest, and eat your goddamn heart. Okay?

WALTER
(horror overwhelms him)

What? No, don't do that! I need my heart … I think. Yes, I'm pretty sure I do. Take my appendix if anything. Those things suck.

GEORGE

Fine, your appendix it shall be. I'll wait until you're asleep to take it. Get you by surprise, that's the trick.

WALTER

I have a feeling you're mad at me.

GEORGE

(laughing)

You do? Just a feeling, huh?

WALTER

What? What on this flat wonderful planet did I ever do to you?

GEORGE

Well, where should I start? Let's see, how 'bout when you tagged that cave wall, hmm? I told you not to do that.

WALTER
I still don't understand what the problem is with that. Everybody's doing it.

GEORGE
So if everybody was trying to take on bears one on one would you do that, too? I think not. The point is, is that really how you want history to remember you by? By a bunch of drawings of dicks and fire? Very immature, Walter. Our future depends on our actions. So, if you doodle a bunch of nonsense on a wall, do you really think people will take you seriously? Hell, they'll probably just end up sticking you on display in some fancy pantsy cave for everybody to point and laugh at you. Is that what you really want?

WALTER

Dude, that would never happen and you know it.

GEORGE

Okay, fine, you're probably right. But what else am I pissed off at? Hmm, why are we out here in the middle of nowhere, Walter? Because you're a goddamn idiot who can't back down from a dare, that's why.

WALTER
Let me remind you that this was no ordinary dare, George. This was a triple dog dare.

GEORGE

While drastic as it may be, you still went out in the Big Wet Stuff. The last person to try that friggin' drowned! But no, you got your stupid ego, right? Can't let that get a bad name, huh? Well lookie where that got us. We're lost! And dying! And hungry!

WALTER

You didn't have to come.

GEORGE

Don't change the subject.

WALTER

Sorry.

Six hours pass.

GEORGE

I hate you so bad.

WALTER

You've said that.

GEORGE

Just wanted to make sure you knew.

WALTER

Yeah, well, I do.

GEORGE

Good.

An hour goes by.

WALTER

Ahhh! What the f**k is that!

GEORGE
What! What's going on?

WALTER

(pointing into the sea)

Look!

WALTER glances into the ocean to discover a humpback whale floating next to their raft.

GEORGE

Ahhh! What the f**k is that!

WALTER
I know, that's what I said!

GEORGE
Shut up!

WALTER

Oh, sorry. (PAUSE) Is it going to kill us?

GEORGE

I don't know. I think it's sleeping.

WALTER
What is it?

GEORGE
How would I know? Some kind of monster I suppose. Maybe a keeper of the Big Wet Stuff?

WALTER

It certainly is big and wet.

GEORGE
So the shoe fits.

WALTER
What's a shoe?

GEORGE

Quiet, you.

WALTER

Sorry.

GEORGE

Hey, you should kill it.

WALTER
What? No! You've gone mad.

GEORGE
No, not mad. Hungry. Now bring me back it's innards and we'll have a feast! A big wet snack for sure!

WALTER
No! That thing'll tear me limb from limb. I may be primitive, but I'm not a total retard. You do it.

GEORGE
Screw that. You got me into this mess, so you do it. Just stab it with the spear or something. That should do it.

WALTER

Stab it with the spear? But it's so big! Are you sure it'll work?

GEORGE
Definitely.

WALTER

Well … okay then.

WALTER picks up the spear and proceeds to repeatability thrust the blade into the whale with all his might. However, this does absolutely nothing.

GEORGE

Stab harder!

WALTER

I'm stabbing as hard as I can!

GEORGE

Damn, damn, damn! Must I do everything?

GEORGE takes the spear from WALTER and gives the stabbing a go himself, but with the same results as WALTER.

GEORGE

Well, that did absolutely nothing.

WALTER
You think?

GEORGE
Shut up, Walter.

WALTER
Sorry.

GEORGE

Okay, so the spear isn't going to work. How else can we kill it?

WALTER
Burn it?

GEORGE

Excellent idea, Walter. Hand me that flint and stone, will ya?

WALTER
What flint and st – oh, right.

GEORGE

(sighs)

Idiot.

WALTER

Yeah, yeah, I'm dumb.

GEORGE

Hey, I know. Stab it in the eyes!

WALTER

The eyes? How do you know it has eyes?

GEORGE

Well, it's obviously on the other side. Just leap on top of it, walk to the opposite side, and stab the f****r.

WALTER
I don't know, George. That seems awfully stupid.

GEORGE

Well, it is you.

WALTER
True.

GEORGE

So do it already!

WALTER

Fine!

WALTER grabs the spear and inches towards the end of the raft, trembling in fear. Just as he attempts to step off, a loud energetic noise fills the air, and a long stream of water shoots up from the whale's blow hole, splashing amongst the two primitive beings, who leap back in fear, collapsing against the floor.

BOTH

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

LONG PAUSE.

WALTER

...Is it dead?

GEORGE

(sitting up)

Either that, or it's super pissed.

WALTER

Well, let's not f**k with it anymore, okay?

GEORGE

Walter, that's the best idea you've ever had.