Do Me a Solid, ManA Screenplay by Chainsaw Enema
INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – DAY
MICHAEL hops in the passenger seat while DAVID resides in the driver's, sweating profusely, wearing a hat crafted of foil.
MICHAEL 'Sup.
DAVID (teeth gritting) Uh huh.
DAVID slams down on the gas pedal and speeds towards traffic. MICHAEL switches on the radio to a rock channel and turns the volume on low, slowly bobbing his head back and forth.
MICHAEL So, what'd you want to see me for?
DAVID Well, uh, you know I had surgery yesterday, right? A … prostate biopsy?
MICHAEL Oh yeah! It totally slipped my mind, man. Sorry. How'd it go? Did they get that tumor thingy or whatever the hell you have in there out?
DAVID Yes.
MICHAEL Cool, cool. What'd they do?
DAVID They had to stick a tube – the biggest tube I've ever seen, mind you – in my rectum. After that I don't really know what happened. I passed out.
MICHAEL You passed out? So what, they just went on without you?
DAVID Yeah … something like that.
MICHAEL Hmm. Does it hurt?
DAVID Oh yeah. It was still bleeding this morning. They gave me one of those donuts to sit on, but it really doesn't help.
MICHAEL That's why it looks like you have to s**t, huh?
DAVID Mmm hmmm.
MICHAEL What are you doing out of bed anyways? I would think the doctor would've told you to restrain from any heavy sitting or something for a couple days, right?
DAVID
MICHAEL And is this an emergency, David?
DAVID Indeed it is.
MICHAEL Well what is it then?
DAVID Okay, now … don't freak out or anything, for what I'm about to say may sound … a little crazy. Just bear with me, all right?
MICHAEL All right. …
DAVID Okay, remember a couple months back when I first started spotting those black helicopters flying above my apartment complex?
MICHAEL Oh Jesus Christ not them again.
DAVID Just bear with me, man!
MICHAEL All right! Go on.
DAVID Well, they've been watching me, Michael. And they know I know.
MICHAEL Know what?
DAVID Everything.
MICHAEL ...Oh.
DAVID And of course, this power that I have, the ability to know everything, would be quite the potent weapon. This they also know.
MICHAEL Let me guess, the government wants to use your mind to predict the enemy's battle plans, right?
DAVID Yes, exactly! How'd you know?
MICHAEL Wild guess.
DAVID Wow, good guess. … Well, anyway, as you probably know, that's why I've been wearing this foil on my head lately. This way they can't read my thoughts and program me for evil.
MICHAEL I've been meaning to ask you about that.
DAVID Yeah, well, they're monsters, Michael. So, back to what I was saying! They want me to do their evil bidding, perhaps even kill young children.
MICHAEL And you know this, how?
DAVID
MICHAEL Oh yeah, sorry, right. Please continue.
DAVID So they want me for their own devious deeds, right? Well, what better way to get me to play along other than to plant an obedience chip inside me? And when would be the perfect time to do this to me? Why, with my pants down, of course!
MICHAEL I'm not sure I like where this is going. …
DAVID Don't you understand, Mikey? While I was unconscious during surgery they inserted a satellite mind-reading obedience chip inside my rectum!
MICHAEL You're insane, you know that, right?
DAVID
MICHAEL Like what?
DAVID Uh … you don't want to know.
MICHAEL Oh … okay. Well if this is all true, then how come you're able to tell me all of this without the chip or whatever stopping you?
DAVID I've come up with a temporally solution. I'm squeezing my cheeks close!
MICHAEL What? That's incredibly stupid. Doesn't that hurt?
DAVID
MICHAEL So what are you going to do? Just live the rest of your life with a clenched a*s?
DAVID Well, no. That's why I gave you a call. I need you to do me a solid, man.
MICHAEL Oh Jesus now what?
DAVID reaches under the seat and brings out a bent clothes hanger.
DAVID I need you to get this thing out of me.
MICHAEL What? No!
DAVID Oh c'mon man, do me a solid.
MICHAEL No! I am not going to perform an abortion on your a*s! You're f*****g crazy!
DAVID
MICHAEL No. Sorry, dude. Not happening.
DAVID You owe me anyways. Remember that one time when you slept with my wife?
MICHAEL (smiling) Yeah.
DAVID
MICHAEL (sighs) All right, but this is it! After this we're f*****g even, man.
© 2009 Chainsaw Enema |
Charlie
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