It Was Never Mine

This was written after meeting him--- my friend.

Young and Naïve as I was, I always thought you were the one.

Your smile makes my heart flutter as though our surroundings don’t matter.

I thought that it would last ‘til our dark hairs turn silver.

 

Oh boy was I mistaken! I don’t believe in forever,

but for a moment of temporary insanity, it came across my mind

All the busy mornings, lazy afternoon and sneaking evenings we’ve spent,

I never thought that it would end.

 

We were young and I can’t even put a word on what we were.

However we have enjoyed every moment of it.

The company, the teases, the bickering and the silent moments,

We never ran out of those scenes, have we?

 

You were more mature than I am and can put your hand on this and that of things.

I on the other hand never really cared.

 We fought a lot on our differences but that whats makes us close.

 You’ve got a handful of girls after you as well but I did not mind much.

 

It’s as if I always thought that we are entwine.

And that was my mistake because all along...

You were never mine.

 

The songs you sing with me, I’ll never forget.

When you told me I was wrong, I never fret nor did I get angry.

You understood me when nobody could.

 

The tears you saw falling, wiped away. 

You did not spoil nor care less of me.

Instead, you show me right from wrong

at times when I was too hardheaded to listen.

 

When I ran away from home, you followed me.

Then I realized that I met not only an annoying boy

but a friend, a brother and a man.

 

Little did I know that my feelings for you

grew and is developing into something new.

My heart, it’s pounding hard every time I see you

I keep babbling non-sense when I talk to you

 

I can’t even meet your eyes when we see each other down the street.

I have a lot of excuses when you try to hang out.

Then you wondered why I was all of a sudden distant.

You tried reaching out however, I moved away every time you do.

 

The feeling was foreign to me in which I’m unable to handle.

Sad as it may be however, I was coward to face what’s new.

I ran away from you and hid my feelings.

It was like a precious secret that I only knew.

 

You told me once or twice that you liked me.

I did not know about what you mean by that.

Am I just like your sister, a friend or is it something else?

 

I never had a chance to know. It left me hanging.

You never knew why I acted that way,

I never bothered explaining it to you.

I was so shy and so coward to push anything through.

 

I was scared for rejection since you were very important to me.

My pride also piles up like the Great walls of China

It’s hard neither to bend nor to blow.

It’s as well endless I might add.

  

And then you left…..

Yes, you left.

 

And of course, as good as you have always been with me

You made an effort to come to me before you go.

I don’t know what to say. I’m at loss of words.

I haven’t even said my goodbye since I was too dumb shy.

Then you went away.

I was left, almost not acknowledging your existence in my life.

I continued as if nothing happened.

I kept the memories of you right in the deep crevices in my hearts.

Yes, my heart had been with many opening, cracks and fissures

You did not know but I was already broken for awhile.

You mended it a bit and let me forget

but with you leaving, they again open after the walls I have built.

 

Time passed and we’ve met again since the world have always been small.

I know that this time will come and I’m sure that it’ll happen.

 

I saw you as I passed by. I’m certain that you saw me too.

Then you’re cold, very cold. We’re like strangers.

  

I dared to look at you and I realized that you still recognized me.

Your eyes, it’s expressive. It can easily be read.

Unfortunately, I only saw recognition on it and nothing else

 

I get some attention from guys I don’t know.

Somewhat admiring me as I pass them by slow.

However, that’s different with you,

 

You just saw me as someone you used to know

Not as a woman you can turn your attention into.

I was almost ready to meet and talk to you.

 

Now all of a sudden, I retreat back on my protective walls.

Can’t even blurt out a Hi or Hello

Oh! When will I grow and have the courage to face you

My past, a friend I really liked and my regret too.

 

I sighed at the sight of you almost not knowing it though.

Disappointment swept over me not for long as it just come and go

I quickly recovered knowing that what I am today,

was also because of who I was yesterday.

 

 Then we’ve met again. Your eyes were always piercing.

I very much liked those big brown eyes of yours.

They’re beautiful to look at. They were playful but kind.

 

You talked first and I was taken aback.

The cat got my tongue and I answered you.

Yes, I finally talked with the most ridiculous answer I can ever imagine.

“How are you”, you say. I answered, “No, I need to go.”

 

Then I went on running away from you.

My heart is beating ridiculously fast so as my knees shaking.

I can’t stand to talk to you, nor will my body do.

 

I then accepted the fact than I can never face you again

I’m very much social for me to have not answered that simple question back.

I’m averagely smart to even blurt out quick witted sarcasms

But why does my brain stops when I’m with you?

 

I can never blame anybody, not even me.

My disposition may not be the same  from the past

but at the very end of each day, we make mistakes which make us “US”.

I’ve learned to do my best to get the things I liked and wish.

 

I always try hard to avoid regrets, so the odds I always beat,

since I may not be able to live a life full of regrets.

Thank you, though. You may now know but this was because of you.

 

I can just silently like you until it fades.

Until it will be all lost but in my memories.

By then you will become a piece forgotten by my heart.

You’re a part of event which will only then exist as my past.

 

It may take some time for me to forget you.

But I know I’ll do.

I’ve come to accept the fact…

The hard fact that you were never mine from the start, my heart.

Reviews

[Maia]

A very good depiction of a first love.