My Own Kick in the Pants

TL:DR I'm back, I hope

     "Where'd the time go?"  I asked myself this question this morning, and I realized I didn't like the answer.  I'm in the same place I was when I discovered this website, except I've gotten away from what I used to really enjoy.  Reading back through my old stuff I realize that I slowly became the person I am today, and I'm not sure I like him.  Really it's a slow decent into depression and acceptance of "my place".
     I don't want to be this person anymore.  I want to write again, be happy again, and I think that I can.  I'm married now, one of the few things that gives me happiness anymore, but I miss writing, I miss being creative.  I miss who I thought I was and what I thought I could do with my life. 
     Until very recently, I had no social life at all, and I spent my days working, always making excuses to myself and others why I always seemed to not want to do anything, "I work on computers in my spare time, I have to go here, do this." The funny thing is I never even used people in my excuses.  I never once said already had plans to hang out with someone, or go to the movies with a friend.  It's like, even in my own head, I wasn't allowed to hang out with people.
     As I sit here writing this, I'm afraid.  Afraid I wont do it.  Afraid that after I write this, I wont be able to get up the motivation to come back to this website and write again.  I just feel listless.  My wife may find this strange, I always seem so cheerful, but I put up a facade.  If I act happy I'll feel it right?  But I'm not, and this is the first time I've been truly honest with myself in a while.  I guess it makes sense, after all, I was always better at expressing what I felt through my writing than verbally.  Maybe that why I got away from it, I was being too honest with myself and I didn't like it.
     This isn't a plea for attention, this is a plea to myself.  I want to follow through on something just this once.  I want to complete something, to feel like I did something because of me, because of what I wanted to do.  Too much of my life has been half completed up to this point, and I feel like all of those stuttering starts, all of those half-hearted attempt are what have led me to this point.  Complacency is the problem, time I dealt with it.

Reviews

[unspokenguilt]

I thank you greatly for sharing this with me. "I was always better at expressing what I felt through my writing than verbally." i'm like that too and i told myself i was going to jump back into writing and i come to find i'm doing the opposite and becoming more vocal. (thanks to my friends at the hobby house). Any who i wish you well in your future writing.

best wishes,
ear