Reli(e)ve the Pain

This pain is too much

As I walk down that hall

All those stares

All those who judge

When they have no right

To judge when they

Are just as fucked up

From within their minds.

But I didn't know that

I didn't know left from right

Instead I only knew hate

I only knew what they 

Told me about myself

"Your ugly"

"Go fly away Dumbo."

"Why the f**k do you live?"

"Stop wasting space."

"Go get hit by a bus."

"Go kill yourself."

"Who you lookin' at dumbass?"

"Don't make me pull

The gun out of my backpack."

"Just go and die already."

And I wished I could

I dreamed the death dreams

That dying dream of greeting death

Of meeting his grinning bony smile

Glaring down at me

Half evil, half understanding

As he respects me

The only one to have done so

The only one to accept me

When nobody else would before.

My parents don't respect me

They walk all over me

Barking their damn orders

Not expecting much however

Knowing somehow that I will fail

That I will fall without having 

Ever experienced success.

They believed in my sisters

Or at least one

But they carry on

Like nothing matters

Of what they say

Or of how their words 

Pierce the heart like daggers.

My sisters didn't care

They physically throw the shards

Of the mirror that I cracked

With angry fists

As I rejected myself

As I hated myself

As I hated what I was to become.

I couldn't even look at myself

With what was said about me

"You are s**t."

"You are your fathers son."

"Oh, look at daddies little boy."

"Look at that f****t."

"Hey, dumbass, f**k off and die already!"

But I wasn't my fathers son

I was his condemning child

The little s**t he made

That he had no love for

He looks at me

Trying to live his life through me

As I played his games

Of his youth

The light shinning bright

In his eye

Until I couldn't take it

I left it all

The pain too deep

As they beat me

Jumping me everyday

Locking me in the locker

Like the dog of an army,

The soldiers filthy mutt.

They would just kick me

While I was down

And I would mock myself

For them to stop

As they laughed at my humiliation

As I bleed on the inside

The bruises changing me

Until I shatter the mirror

That my sisters take

And throw into my skin

Bursting the clots 

As the emotion and the pain

Flood out of me

The blood rising higher and higher

Drowning me in my misery

Until I found the pills

The relief they gave

The pain leaving

Along with the blood

It all was draining out

Along with my life however

But to never feel pain

Sent me over the edge

Until I am here

Holding onto my pasty skin

The color and life

Drained out from within

Leaving only a husk of a boy

Who is afraid and alone

In the midst of the cold dark room

Shaking at what formless wretch

I have become

What have I become?

What have I done?

What have I done to myself?