The Biggest Lie I've Ever Told

Sort of fanfic sort of not... Inspired by Tora, from Alice Nine, because he makes me feel like a gold digger.

The biggest lie I've ever told was to myself. That lie had ruined more than I thought it was, and even though from the outside my life looked somewhat perfect, on the inside I felt like I was dying. I was becoming a shell of a person, a body walking about with no soul living warmly inside. It scared my friends, and terrified me, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I didn't think she'd ever love me again, not after the injustice I did her, how much I hurt us both. I had told myself that she was too young, I was too far away all the time, we couldn't make this long distance work. I'd known it was a lie at the time, too, and that was the worst part. I wanted her so much, but I was too afraid of what people would think. Her parents had refused to meet me. Obviously, there was something wrong with a 26 year old man who was interested in a 17 year old girl. Given, she wasn't seventeen when she fell in love with me, that came later, after many phone conversations and emails exchanged. She was 18 when she told me she loved me, and at first I fell into it. From the first moment I'd seen her, I knew there was something adult there. She was so much deeper than the other girls her age, and that's why I wasn't surprised when she told me it was hard for her to keep friends. She was above all her peers.

Ironically, she was only naïve when it came to me. I couldn't figure out what I was to her. Sure, I was a musician, famous some would say. I had plenty of money. But she didn't care about that " no one really does. When you love someone the way she loved me, none of that mattered. If I had met as a bum on the street, I think she still would of loved me.

So how could I do what I did to her? After all the time we put into making it work, how could I tell her there was nothing there anymore, when in reality, she was becoming everything to me? I had been a coward and when I'd finally realized it, the damage was done. I was so sure she would never take me back " as I said, she was too mature for that. She knew I had solely destroyed the beautiful thing we had, and she must have concluded that I wasn't who she thought she was.

But if I was so sure that she wouldn't take me back, why was I one block away from her house? As broken as I had made myself, I realized that her forgiveness was the only sign that would stray me from the road of self destruction I so wanted to pursue. If she could forgive me, maybe others could, and I could. Maybe I was worth something.

So I finished that block, and with my heart dropped to my stomach and shaking hands, I knocked three times on the door. It was quiet for a few seconds, and there was a shuffle as someone walked towards the door. It opened and she was there, my angel, looking the same as I'd seen her last time. She looked as if she saw a ghost standing in front of her, which probably wasn't far from what I actually looked like.

“What are you doing here?” She said gently, not accusingly as most would.

I looked away from her. I felt dirty agains the pure canvas of her face.

“I'm sorry.” I breathed. I squeezed my eyes shut, tugging at my coat at my chest. I clenched on the fabric in a desperate attempt to slow my heart rate. I felt so cold, but then the smallest sliver of warmth slid along my hand, easily detaching it from my coat. I was able to face her this time, and she was closer, only a few inches from my face.

“It's okay.” She whispered, and pulled me close.

It took me long to register that she was embracing me, and I brought my arms around her small waist to hold her as a few tears made their way down my cheeks. I squeezed her tight, wishing I'd never let go in the first place.

The biggest lie I ever told was to myself. I told myself she could never love me again. I didn't believe it this time.

Author's Note

Let me know what ya think :)