Strength ~ Cal and Alson

I'm a little nervous about posting this... it's kind of an entire new dimension to my Calitan and Alson tidbits, and if there are any people who follow these two it'll freak them out a bit.

Alson.

“I don' want you to go...” I whined, my head buried in Calitan's neck. I sighed heavily, clinging, knowing as soon as I let go Calitan would be leaving me.

“It's only three weeks hun. I'll be back before you know it.” Cal pushed me away so he could look me in the eye, and lifted my chin up with a finger. “Just keep busy.”

“Only three weeks with Jin.” I complained, nodding my head towards Jin, who was standing a few feet away. Jin was one of those stereotypical gorgeous asian boys. Him and Cal had been working together at Cal's gallery and I was almost one hundred percent sure he swung Cal's way. I didn't like him. He was too flirty, too cute. He made me feel like pale little plain midget when I was around him.

“You're intimidated by Jin? You honestly think I would do anything with him?” Cal asked me skeptically, an eyebrow raised.

“Well... no. He just makes me nervous.”

“It will be fine, honey. Hang with Ali. Do yoga. Enjoy the apartment to youself. I'll be home soon.” Cal kissed me on the lips, let it linger for a few seconds, and then followed Jin and the three other people he would be working with through the gates. I sighed heavily. I'd never felt so alone.

Being back at the apartment sucked. I almost turned right around and went to the shelter to get a kitten or something, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. We'd been thinking about it anyway. But I wanted Calitan to help me pick. Damn. I was definitely being way overdramatic. Cal wasn't a horndog, it wasn't like he was going to randomly cheat on me, especially with Jin. We lived together, shared a home and a bed and food.

I just tried focusing on good things, turned on the tv, and poured a bowl of cereal.

My phone woke me up around one in the morning, as I had fallen asleep on the couch. It was a text from Cal.

“Made it here alive. Jin isn't hitting on me, no worries. Love u.”

So that made me feel a little better. I got up, my body stiff from being on the couch for so long, and brushed my teeth. There was a weird, familiar itch in the back of my head. I knew exactly what it was but didn't want to admit that this was coming back, after so long. I didn't want to go back to those days. I couldn't go back to those days.

Calitan.

Alson had been acting crazy ever since I'd landed in California. He was quiet, sounded depressed, and tired every time I talked to him. Our conversations consisted of him asking me if I'd been hanging with Jin, which annoyed me so I would try and turn the subject, which only lead to Alson thinking I was hiding something.

I usually didn't read into stuff like this that much, but the way Alson was acting was so obscure I was starting to get really worried. I'd even offered to fly back home but of course Alson didn't want to pull me away from such an important installation. I'd gotten called with a few other people from my gallery to help with a big time show on the west coast. It was going to be a good chunk of money in my pocket, but I got paid by the day. Coming home wouldn't be the end of the world, but Alson didn't want me to lose the money we needed.

I signed on to Skype, (Yes, he had made me get one before I left), and texted Alson to get on. It took a few long minutes, but soon enough those annoying little bubble noises signaled he was online. He called me first, and I answered quickly. Alson's face showed up on my screen and he smiled meekly and waved.

“Hey hun, how ya doin?” I asked, leaning on my elbow.

“Dreadful, you?” he replied.

“I'm okay, what's wrong?” I questioned for the millionth time. I had exactly one week until I came home, and I was starting to long for that familiarity. I missed Alson a lot more than I'd expected.

“Nothing I'm just tired.”

“Liar.”

Jin walked up behind me, ruffled my hair and said hi to Alson. Through the pixels I couldn't tell if there was any falter in Alsie's expression but I had the feeling he wasn't happy. Nonetheless, he waved back, not bothering to speak because I had headphones in.

“You two seem to be getting along famously.” He said, and I could see him picking at his nails out of the screen.

“Oh come on.” I retaliated. It bothered me Alson thought I was going to cheat on him. I would never. It hurt he didn't trust me. “He's just friendly, Alson.” I said once Jin left the room to take a shower. “You trust me, don't you?”

“I'm sorry Cal, I do, I don't know what's wrong with my head. I haven't been feeling good.”

“What do you mean, are you sick?” I inquired further, thankful that we had turned the conversation away from Jin.

He shrugged. Not exactly the response I was looking for. Alson was just not like this, it was as though someone else was inhabiting his body, and it was a little terrifying. I wished I could just be there with him. I was starting to think Alson and I had developed some codependency issues.

“Sorry.” Alson finally said quietly, still not looking at the screen. It was such a weird conversation. We were familiar enough in our relationship that the silence wasn't awkward, just sort of tense and lingering.

“Do you want to tell me what's up?” I persisted.

“It's nothing, really, just this thing I used to have...” he muttered, and I barely picked it up.

“What thing?”

“I don't want to talk about it Cali, it's not a big deal.”

“It seems like it is.”

“I'll be okay when you get back. I'm just not feeling that well. I'm gonna go back to bed, okay?”

My heart sunk. It was much later where he was and I had hoped he wouldn't get out of bed to come on Skype. It was better I just let him sleep, though, he really wasn't going to talk to me anyway. It was moments like these I had to work hard to be what Alson needed me to be, not what I really was. Being warm and reassuring just wasn't my nature and I had to put a lot of effort into acting that way. But there was something genuinely wrong with Alson that he wasn't going to tell me about, so all I could do was let the good parts he'd created in me go to work. This time, the sympathy and worry wasn't forced, though.

“Alright hun, I love you. Call me if you need to, okay? I don't care what hour it is.”

That earned me at least a small, but genuine smile. “Love you too.” he said, and then hung up.

I hoped he would call. The conversation we had had only made me feel more worried myself. Alson had always been one to wear his heart of my sleeve, and I was convinced I knew everything about him there was to know. But now he was hiding something. Maybe he had cheated, then?

No no. He wouldn't ever. Alson would rather die than do something like that.

He never called, either. For almost two days, and his phone was off. That got me worried. And after I'd spent my day filled with anxiety, calling him every half hour, then every ten minutes, he finally answered with an oblivious:

“Hello?”

“Alson what the hell? Why was your phone off?”

“I'm sorry, I lost the charger when I stayed over at Ali's.” He sounded instantly hurt, I couldn't stay angry.

“I was worried. Why didn't you email me or text me with someone elses phone or anything?”

“I don't know I figured you were busy, it wasn't a big deal.” He was sincere, I could tell, but it seemed something else was there too. Like, he didn't want to bother me? But Alson had spent the past four and a half years bothering me, it was basically what he lived for. So what had changed? A few hundred miles? “I'm sorry Cali.”

I sighed heavily, rubbing my hand over my face dramatically. “It's okay. Just, don't do it again.”

Alson.

Today was the first day in the past three weeks I felt whole. I was waiting in the airport to pick up Calitan and there was a flutter in my stomach. I was half an hour early, and luckily, his plane was right on time, and I was outside his gate. I was physically restraining myself from jumping up and down. Cal would be back in just minutes, and all of these terrible feelings would be gone, and I hoped I would never have to have them again.

Then I saw him coming out of the gate, seemingly deep in conversation with Jin. My heart sunk a little, but I walked towards him anyway. I could tell Cal was looking for me, he talked as his eyes scanned the huge, crowded airport. I waved my hand and he caugh it immediately. I managed to see the small look of irritated disappointment on Jin's face when Cali dropped the conversation and bee-lined for me.

A few steps and he had me wrapped up in a bear hug, squeezing me until my lungs were crushed, and then he kissed my forehead. I giggled, never having seen him act this way, especially in public. Cal rested his forehead on mine and was quiet for a moment, and my heart practically melted when he gently said,

“I missed you.”

“Me too.” I replied, holding him tight. I ignored the itch that was still there, though it terrified me that even though Calitan was back, I still had that feeling. He kissed me lightly on the lips and slung an arm around my shoulder. I grabbed one of his rolling bags to lighten his load a little.

“Let's please go home.” Cal said, waving an unceremonious goodbye to his fellow curators.

We walked through the door half an hour later, and dropped Cali's bags wherever. He flopped down on the couch, seemingly exhausted, and reached for me. I quickly abided and got comfortable in his arms. For a long time we didn't talk, just rested there, but I knew that Cal was thinking deeply about something. I could feel it in a weird sort of way. So when he finally spoke up, I wasn't surprised in the slightest at what he said.

“So since I'm home... are you going to tell me what's wrong?” He said it in a kind, patient tone uncharacteristic of himself.

“Nothing's wrong.” I shot back, desperately not wanting to explain what I had gone through the past three weeks, let alone delving back all the way to freshman and sophomore year of high school. It was so long before I met Calitan, I hoped it was considered irrelevant.

Calitan sighed and sat up, looking a little irritated now. “Alson, you were sick while I was gone, and I'm not talking about a cold. I don't know if you did something you feel bad about or if you think I was going to cheat on you with Jin, but I know something was going on. Why won't you tell me? Don't you trust me?”

That was a lot to take in all at once, especially from Calitan. My stomach lurched uncomfortably, as my mind raced to find some kind of way to avoid this situation.

“I just um...” Calitan looked impatiently at me. “I used to have these... depression problems. But they're gone now!” I tried to remedy immediately. I hoped he'd take that medicine and drop the issue.

Calitan looked a little more sympathetic, which surprised me. I knew how Calitan felt about “depressed” people and stupid kids who cut themselves. He'd said before that they were selfish idiots. I didn't want him to think of me that way.

“How bad?” he asked.

“Nothing really, it was so long ago. I just missed you a lot, I guess my mind just didn't know how to react. I mean, we haven't spent a lot of time apart the past four years, I wasn't sure what to do with myself.” I said, twisting my fingers with nervousness. I hoped Calitan had felt at least some of that limbo out in California, so far away from me.

“Well... are you sure you're okay now?”

I nodded. I did feel substantially better than the days before. I think Calitan and I had become a little codependent without realizing it.

Calitan.

Alson hadn't lied, he'd gone back to his normal self after a couple days. Despite that, I still knew there was something he wasn't telling me. Call it a sixth sense, a hunch, whatever, but I had been careful not to grill him too much. Every time I brought up what he'd said about having depression problems, he got so standoffish and would work his butt off to change the subject. On the fourth day home, I couldn't take it anymore and I stepped out to call Ali, with the pretense of getting some coffee.

“Hellooooo?” She answered cutely.

“Hey Ali it's Calitan.” I said.

There was silence, as she was probably shocked I was calling her. “Hey, Cal, um, nice of you to call. Is everything okay?”

“Not really, sorry, there's something wrong with Alson I didn't know who else to call. You know him better than anyone else.” I sounded desperate, I knew, but this situation was eating away at me.

“You mean the way he was acting while you were gone.” She stated.

“Yeah. He just keeps beating around the bush, I know there's something he's not telling me.” I word-vomited. It was weird of me to be opening up to someone like this. My insides were squirming a little.

“Look, Cal, I can't really say anything. I know Alson has something he wants to tell you, but I think he's working up to it.” Ali said, being just as vague as Alson.

Ali wasn't the best at keeping secrets, and if I grilled her hard enough she'd come clean, but it didn't seem fair to Alson for Ali to reveal this secret to me.

“Alright... I'm just worried, I'd never seen him like that.”

“I know, Cal, I was worried too. Just wait a little, he'll talk to you.”

After I got off the phone with her, I grabbed the coffees and went back to the apartment which was only a couple minutes away. When I got back to our place, Alson was sitting on the couch, and he looked extremely off.

He was biting his nails, and kind of staring into space.

“Alson what's wrong.” I set the coffees down and kneeled down in front of him.

“I have to tell you something.” he said quietly, taking his hand away from his mouth and looking down, as if he was ashamed.

“Alson what did you do.” My heart was beating so fast it hurt. He must have cheated on me. Why else would he be acting this way? But I couldn't get any words out, my insides were too knotted.

“I just didn't want to tell you, I think you're going to hate me.” He looked like he was about to start crying, and I felt the same way. Alson opened his mouth but then hesitated.

I grabbed his shoulders, probably a little more violently than intended, “Did you cheat on me?”

A look of horror came across Alson's face and then he looked angry. “NO how could you think that!?” Okay that was the truth. I relaxed substantially.

“What is it then?”

“It's about... back in high school. When I was a freshman. You know how I told you about me having depression, back then?”

“Yeah you said it wasn't a big deal.”

“I... lied about that. It was a big deal.”

I could feel my heart sinking again as an idea of what he was getting at started to take shape. Oh god...

“I tried to kill myself Cali. I was so stupid back then I didn't know how to deal with anyone, I was just that fat little kid with no friends.” Alson sobbed, his words slurring together.

I let go of his shoulders as an unfamiliar numbness set in. Alson. My bright, poppy, eternally shinning Alson, had tried to commit suicide? And after four and a half years of knowing each other, didn't tell me.

I stood up mechanically. “Why didn't you tell me.” I said sternly. Alson looked up at me, tears streaming down his face. He didn't say anything. “WHY?” I demanded.

“Because, Cal I know what you think of those people! All those selfish kids who cut themselves and all that, you told me what you think of them!” Alson said back, his tone raised too. Anger was starting to replace some of the numbness I'd felt.

“Yeah, Alson the stupid rich emo kids that want attention, not people who actually have problems. How could you think I would hate you for that? You didn't think I'd hate you for lying?” He flinched at this, “Why would you think it's okay not to tell me something like this! I gave you more of myself than I've ever given anyone and this is how you repay me? By lying about something this important.” I'd tried not to yell but I was being loud.

“Calitan, I'm sorry.” He said meekly, looking up at me with his green eyes filled with more pain than I'd ever seen.

I honestly felt like turning around and walking straight out of the apartment. My mind went back to the time when I had first developed feelings for Alson, and I remembered how resistant I had been to get into a relationship, because this is what happened.

I stood for a second, looking down at him. He looked like he wanted to say more but wasn't sure what words to use. I didn't even want to hear his voice at that moment.

So I did turn around, and I heard him choke on another sob as my hand touched the doorknob. But just as I had it turned, I stopped. If I left Alson right now, and walked out this door, and slept on the couch tonight, where would we go from there? Could I really leave him while he was hurting this much? I'd never had depression but I had seen what it did to people when it was something more serious than teen angst. When people got so terrified of life that they had to end their own.

It couldn't be fair for me to leave Alson right now. He was the first and only person I'd loved, and I knew I was just as much his world as he was mine. My hand fell from the doorknob. I turned back around, rubbing my eyes exasperatedly. Alson was sitting on the couch, his hands in his lap, staring at them intently. He looked so small and vulnerable, if I left his side he would have been eaten by wolves.

So I went back to him, and sat next to him. “Is there anything else?” I asked quietly.

“Do you hate me, Cal?” He said just as quietly, ignoring my own question. He said this with complete, genuine belief that the answer was yes. This broke my heart a billion times more than when he'd told me the truth.

“No.” I replied, rubbing his back soothingly. “Never.”

He fell into me, hands gripping the fabric of my sweatshirt and his face buried in my neck.

“Never.”

Author's Note

These guys ask to be written, I never let myself force these two onto a page. If you read this please let me know, just type aldfjlasdja in the box, I just want to know if people are actually reading. Thanks!!

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