Forgive

Love crap fluff.

Toru

My eyes drifted open lazily as my senses awakened and I became aware of all around me. I could hear the morning birds, and see the sunlight floating in a geometrical beam through my drawn curtains. But the thing that came to me first, the most significant, was the warm, delicate weight wrapped in my arms, and the strawberry shampoo drifting into my nose. I pulled Sami closer, running my hand over her smooth skin. She was probably still sleeping, but I kissed her gently on the forehead and whispered my love to her nonetheless. 

It was all too perfect, and that was when the memories of last night came flooding back, darkening my mind. In our year and eight month relationship, Sami and I had never fought so terribly, had never come so close to losing each other. Most people refer to it as “on the rocks.” I thought it was more along the lines of tipping on the edge of a volcano. 

I didn’t want to lose her, but we were different people. Everything about Sami was soft, delicate, and caring. She hated any kind of violence and got woozy at the slightest drop of blood. Her hair was blond, and she never straitened it or curled it more or less than it naturally behaved, and makeup was saved for the most formal and special occasions. Every inch of her skin was smooth and unmarred, her lips full, and her dark lashes brushed her cheeks when she closed her eyes. Sami was a walking heartbreak, and I knew she was too good for me. 

I was hardened, with scars on my hands from years of hard work. At the young age of twenty four I had held more hard labor jobs than most middle aged men. I was often bitter towards others, ready to throw a punch if someone started to burn me, and jealous. Sami was the most beautiful person I’d ever known, and a kindness lay in her heart that I didn’t think existed until she shared it with me. 

We were fighting because of who I am, and who she is. Sami is naïve, and she doesn’t understand why those other men look at her with hungry, flashing, predatory eyes. She doesn’t understand why I get angry when she spends time alone with her male friends. I don’t trust them because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to keep Sami, and I didn’t know why she cared for me the way she did in the first place. 

But more than anything, Sami was forgiving, and that was why I still had her in my arms this morning, why she was still mine, at least for the next couple hours. 

I squeezed her tighter, an involuntary reaction to the stinging that erupted behind my eyes. 

Sami stirred and her blue eyes opened halfway. She brought her arm away from where it was curled near her chest to wrap around my torso. I sighed and ran my fingers through her hair.

“Morning Sami.” I said quietly.

“Morning.” She replied sleepily, and kissed my collar bone. 

I gave her a few minutes to fully wake up, and then asked, “Do you want me to make you breakfast?” She smiled against my chest, and then sat up to kiss me on the forehead. 

“It’s okay, Toru.” 

Sami wasn’t referring to breakfast, and I lowered my gaze to the blank white sheets. Her hand caressed my temple, and moved down to gently brush my jaw and neck a few times. 

It somehow made me angry when she forgave so easily. All my life, I had been punished when I did something wrong. Punished with fists or a leather belt. But with Sami it was never like that. How could she forgive me for my jealously, when she interpreted it as mistrust? And if I lost her, how could she protect herself from the terrible things that other men could do to her? 

I sat up next to her and rubbed the last of the sleep from my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I said for the hundredth time. And for once, she didn’t tell me it was okay. She cracked a half smile and kissed my hand, but didn’t verbalize. Because it wasn’t okay. It was a weird feeling. Having known Sami for so long, we were infinitely comfortable with each other, but there was also a certain amount of tension. 

Like I said, we were on the edge of a volcano and I could feel myself slipping into the lava. 

Sami

Toru was always a vision in the morning. Black hair ruffled, eyes gentle with the remnants of sleep, and skin fresh from the previous night’s rest. But there was a storm brewing behind those gray eyes not long after he woke up. 

I was trying with all my might not to lose him, but things had gotten hard. He was becoming more distant and jealous, and it felt like he was pushing me away. It hurt, worse than I could tell any one of my friends. 

Toru was so different from me, but that was what attracted me to him. It wasn’t a situation of the atypical “I’m going to save the bad boy.” I wore my heart on my sleeve and shared my kindness with everyone I encountered. I was an open book, and more tolerant than most human beings. But Toru, he wore his own kind of gentleness on the inside. The gentleness he had shown me the first time we kissed, when he was sweet and hesitant, as though he were afraid he would hurt me. His inner light belonged to me and only me, and I loved that so much. 

But his shell could be hard to break sometimes, and that’s the point we were at now. I had been trying desperately for weeks to get inside, but he had hardened, it seemed, for good this time. He was angry half the time, and when he wasn’t angry he was finding something to be jealous about. I just wanted to access the softness inside, but I didn’t want to hurt him in the process. 

“Hun?” I said quietly. He brushed his hair out of his face and looked at me with those stormy eyes. “Do you want to just talk to me a little bit? We can figure some more of this stuff out.”

“I don’t know.” He replied, voice barely audible. 

We hadn’t gone to bed angry. After the blowout, we’d both apologized when we calmed down. But I could tell he’d been stewing on it for a while this morning, before I woke up. 

I jumped as my cell phone alarm went off, an emergency alarm in case I didn’t wake up early enough. 

“My mom wanted me home at nine-thirty, to help with the barbeque.” I looked at him, one last plea in my eyes before I had to leave. 

“Okay.” He replied. 

I got up and put on my clothes, and gathered up the various things I had lying around his apartment. Some wanted to blame the age difference for our problems, my disapproving friends mostly. I was nineteen, but mature for my age. I knew Toru and I were on the same level in that sense. 

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, seemingly intent on his feet. I pushed his chin up a little and kissed the corner of his lips. “I’ll call you tonight, I love you.” I walked out of his bedroom and out of the apartment, and drove home.

Toru

That was the last time Sami walked out my door. The final fight was that night, in the park. It still rang clear now, four weeks later. Time wasn’t healing me. My chest ached all the time and my head was always buzzing with anxiety and what-ifs, and could have been’s. 

She had told me I had been pushing her away, but I hadn’t realized it until then. In my desperation to keep her away from other men, I was distancing myself and hurting her much more than I realized. 

I had taken too many blows in my life, been hurt too many times, to fully grasp what Sami did for me. But now I knew, and I hated myself for it. I could see the concerned glances of my friends, and my mother was constantly leaving worried messages on my phone. What could I do? I had known from the beginning I didn’t deserve Sami, but I’d put it in the back of my. Little did I notice, but my insecurity had festered and grown there over the course of our relationship. 

And now, I didn’t know how to be happy without her. I thought of the disappointment that would slip from her eyes if she’d known the way I’d been acting the past months. I was reclusive and drinking all the time. I wanted to stop, but I needed something to fill the emptiness. 

Sitting on a bench in the same park it had ended, I was at rock bottom. My head was in one hand and a bottle of Jack was in the other. But I was spent. I tipped the bottle and the amber liquid flowed out in a loud slosh. The scent filled my nose for a few seconds and then dissipated in the fall air. I sighed heavily, as my last desire drifted away and left only Sami. I couldn’t drown her from my mind with any substance. 

My body stood up at it’s own accord and my legs moved but I didn’t know where I was going. However long later, I was on her doorstep. My heart had lurched into my throat, and my hands were shaking like I’d drank a pot of coffee on an empty stomach. My hand knocked on the door. 

In a few seconds, the frame opened and she was there. Sami. 

“Toru?”

“Hey Sami.” I attempted a smile but I could feel it fall off my face instantly. She stepped out and closed the door behind her.

“Are you okay?”

I shook my head slowly and bit my bottom lip. Any other person besides Sami would have turned away, or told me to get off their property. Not her though. 

“Well what’s wrong?”

I inhaled but if air entered my lungs I didn’t feel it. 

“I miss you.” I said quietly, eyes set on my shoes. “I really miss you, I’m sorry. For everything.” I didn’t look at her. I didn’t want to see her response. I didn’t know what I was looking for by coming here; I was confident she wouldn’t take me back. 

“I forgive you now, Toru. I’ve been mad for a while but… I forgive you.”

“Thanks.” I still didn’t look at her.

“But Toru, hun.” She touched my chin, lifting my eyes to meet hers. Even the smallest contact of her skin made me shiver. “You have to forgive yourself. How can we be together if you’re at peace on the inside.”

I couldn’t resist, I gently wrapped my fingers around her wrist and pressed a kiss into her palm. “I need some time, but I want you to help me.” I replied, a warm rush beginning to fill my heart. Letting go of her hand, I wrapped her up in my arms close to me, and I felt tears coming when she kissed my neck and returned the affection. 

If Sami could forgive me, I could forgive myself. 

Author's Note

I hope the switching of pov isn't confuzzling. picture is from photobucket, the guitarist of Alice Nine. Rocki, shuttup. ;)

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[Rocki-san]

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