Tired

    I remember when I was a kid. I'd take a piece of lined paper and write my feelings on it, whether it be out of frustration or a journal it didn't matter. I would take that piece of paper and make an envelope out of it. Go out into the desert that I lived in and bury it. At the time I was of christian faith so part of me thought, maybe the message would god. Now, I also think it was a way of hiding it.... or releasing it out into the world.
    I want nothing more than to go back and tell myself not to do the things I've done today. If there's one thing I've learned..... maybe people do things they've done before. Mistakes we've made, look back on them and think "wow.... I really fucked up my life this time." Fucked up my life. That's how I feel. I've been told I'm sorry for myself and that's why I cry.... well maybe they're right.
    I wanted nothing more than to be a good person, but in phlight of that I get SO... SO scared that I simply.... make bad decisions. Things that could've been solved simply are now complicated, even now my feelings are the worst and maybe it's my own fault.
    I really do feel like the world would do better off without me. I'm just too scared to go though. I should grow some balls and move on - everyone makes mistakes. But what are you supposed to do when you feel like everything you care about? You just end up burning down in flames. Unintentionally harming everything you touch, thinking that you're destined to cause the destruction that you hate most....emotional pain.
    When I was a kid.... I bullied others. I bossed them around and threw a fit. Now others can argue children are dicks anyway... but I don't really think that's half the truth. I've spent my whole life trying to be kind, to be nice. Now I just feel like I make everything about me.... and I hate me. I hate the way that I think I hate the way I act around others. I wish and I pray that I could be the characters in the stories I write. I wish I could kill myself just to see how it feels and then come back again. But.... that's just not possible.
    And now.... I want nothing more than for someone to tell me.... it's okay. It's alright to rest your eyes, to take a moment to breath and then do what YOU need to do. My problem is... I don't know what I need to do. I don't know what I should be doing where I should be going. I had a plan - but it seems so far away that I'll just never get to it. I can't seem to get a job, I suck at writing to begin with. And all I do is cry, even when that isn't going to solve anything.
    Then my brian thinks, maybe someone should comfort me. But then my own selfish thoughts "They have their own problems they don't need to be dealing with you right now." come to show. Even now, when I feel like the world is crumbling around me for something I DID... and we have people in deep deep trouble due to outside forces. I feel.... dumb, like a villian like that loser that is always making fun of someone for how they dress look or act.
    I care a lot about people, so much that when I heart them it kills me. People treat me like I'm a nobody so maybe then I start to believe it. Because really... what have I done that's a benefit to anyone? What sort of opinions have I thrown out there that would help and advise anyone when really perhaps I haven't felt ANY pain at all?
    My dad kicked me out of the house when I was eight. Over an essay I wrote about my mom when she had been going through a tough time. My step dad wasn't a nice man really, he got drunk and he got angry. There were some nights that she would come into me and my little brothers room crying because my step dad had bullied her. Had he ever hit her.... never. He'd never lay a hand on anyone like that. The worst he had ever done in that way was spank me, but that was normal for a bratty kid. Of course.... my dad didn't know this. My dad and my mom I lived two weeks at each house and all I heard half the time was "don't tell your mom this, or don't tell your dad this." and go on about each others flaws.
    And you know what... I want nothing more than to call my dad an say "hey.... I really fucked up. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't a good daughter. I'm sorry for every day that I was a brat." because if I told my mom, she wouldn't understand what was going on. She looks at me like I'm  dissapointment now anyway. That no matter how hard I try everyone still tells me that I don't try enough.
    And so for sure, I found out my step mom wasn't entirely a nice woman. Someone I idolized as a kid. But you know what....at least she seemed to care about me a lot more than the family I have now. The family I should appreciate but all I do is whine and complain about one thing or another..... because that's all I can do it complain.
    What of pain of loss too. My aunt kathy died of cancer a few months back. There isn't one day of the week that I don't think about her maybe even more. I want nothing more then to TELL her what I've done and what I should do. What... should I do when I don't KNOW what I'm doing or what I could be doing.
    I've run out of things I want to write in this.... but I guess what really it is. Is I'm really tired of myself, of being myself. Not having the guts to admit I've made a stupid mistake, trying to fix everything on my own. NOt feeling like I have support or love. Because people are going through their own s**t and I want nothing more than to be there for them because I really could care less about what happens to myself. I'm not worth anyone's time or anyone's effort. I truly... truly believe that because everything I touch even a person... ends up getting hurt at the end of the day.
    I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying when trying is not enough. Tired of trying when I feel like my efforts aren't appreciated or recognized. Tired or myself for not getting things right, for being slow. Most of all I'm tired of feeling like I just screw...everything....up.

Author's Note

This is all true, and I just needed a place to put my thoughts.

Reviews

[T.S. Sky]

You are a blessing to this earth. We all make mistakes hun. Do not feel bad for making mistakes. Learn to learn from your mistakes and grow. Believe it or not after each mistake you grow. I believe you need to invite God back into your life. Sometimes God will let you get so low only because He wants you to look up. He never left you. No matter how many times you leave Him, He will never leave you. He loves you. Do not take your life because you cannot please a person. God is pleased with you. Keep fighting, keep writing, keep loving, and keep being you because being you is great. Being you will suffice my dear friend. Do not quit for it is when you are hardest hit that you must not quit. We all get hit and you are strong enough to survive and testify of the miracle of God. Inbox me if you ever need a friend to talk to. Love you.

[Njeri Brooks]

This piece is composed of various self doubts that I can relate to on differing degrees. I felt as if this was very personal, and I really respect the fact that you can put you emotions on display.

On most days, I can't say the same for myself because I don't like living with my heart on my sleeve. I prefer to keep it stashed in the garbage all the way at the bottom and as far away from my decisions as possible. Logic is my living factor.

Despite that, this piece was very relatable.

~~N. Brooks

[Valentine]

Does it make you feel better to get it all out and express your feelings. If it helped any..do it again when necessary. Valentine