Through the mud

TW: drugs

Drug induced states weren’t always too much fun. Of course I knew everyone had their own very specific opinion on the matter. It was one of those controversial topics. I didn’t know why society spent all their time trying to wrap their heads around it. Clearly I was killing myself, no wait clearly I was trying to relax, maybe nothing at all. I had found them staring straight at me from my desk. In the dead of night my body moved on it’s own. Antidepressants, I took one too many and not enough to kill me no - the body of a shifter was a lot more durable than a humans even if it didn’t seem that way. It was a hazy daze placing myself to lean against the hallway to the front door. The world around me was spinning and it felt like I was constantly falling but never getting to the bottom. After too many efforts of trying to get up I had eventually stayed where I was at staring at the wall warping with the continued feeling as if I was forever dozing off.  

In the midst of this state, I could feel myself breathing. It was hot, from my chest all the way through my throat from when it left my body. It wasn’t as if the rest of my body was cold either, I was pretty sure I felt a comfortable room temperature around me. Hairs standing on end as my arms lay at my side limply, I didn’t even want to try and move again. All I knew was I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. Feeling like it was running too fast in a race - it left obvious audible thumps in my ear at the rate that you would think someone was having a panic attack. Maybe that’s what I was having. The middle of the night and yet the dark blue color of my hallway was somehow a comfort and a terror at the same time at the moment.

One could question why I did it, and one could question was I really trying to kill myself. I don’t think I was, but maybe I was trying to prove a point to myself that my cowardice would be my ultimate downfall. I finally let my body shift all the way to the right, laying on my side felt a lot better then having the room spin around me. Having the wall warp and shrink on itself. Exposing every nerve in my brain to some sort of havoc, the emotions in my head were fucked I knew that. I was feeling a mixture of fear and freedom all in one. Like I wanted a certain someone to catch me like this but I knew she was either sleeping or something else. What that was and why I felt I deserved her attention was a mystery all together.

I didn’t think I deserved any attention, it was one of those things. I’m down on my ropes, I could have exactly what I wanted at a foot away and I was too scared to go and grab it wasn’t I. I hadn’t been too scared to grab those pills and yet I was too scared to beg for attention, too scare to make a simple phone call or single text to say “I want to hang out” because it feels like a burden to them. It feels like I’m placing all my bad emotions on them and expecting them to make me feel better. Only in the end when it doesn’t work….. I blame myself for even trying. Right, and she of all people would tell me that it isn’t what I think. That I’m important, and that if I was gone the world would fall into pieces. Maybe it was my world that would fall or hers. Right above our heads underneath these stars. Look what I had done. Then suddenly everything went blank - it went black and gray. It swirled around my head until I fell into a deep…. deep unconscious state.

Being woken up in a daze wasn’t a pleasant feeling. My numb body was shaken my eyes opening as if it was the hardest thing I had ever done. My senses returned to me and I met with the most devastating pain through my body. No words to describe it, not that burning, metallic sensation that riveted through my body. It made me jolt forward and scream with all the energy that my lungs had. My arms curled across each other and I whipped around in bewilderment to see her there. To see her there.

Author's Note

Kurt Lawless, character with troubles.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Thru-out most of this, the narrator sounds self-absorbed, observing his responses to the situation he's in, feeling his distortions in an exaggerated way that seems to blot out everything else. This is the less intense part, even tho the slightly paranoid-sounding rambling feels realistic to a person with possible anxiety, panic-attack, drug addiction, etc.

Then we get to the 4th paragraph & your story begins to sing with authenticity & vivid self-awareness. All of this paragraph is great, but starting with this line: "too scared to beg for attention" . . . & including this one: (can't) "say “I want to hang out” because it feels like a burden to them" . . . this is really nailing the way it feels in the throes of self-imposed isolation, which is highly relatable to anyone suffering from many personality disorders and/or addictions. I mean, this really expresses the crux of what goes round & round in the heads of people who are broken.

[Centipedle]

I hadn't explored this part of the character just yet since she suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. I'll be coming out with a series with her soon as well and I'm hoping people fall in love with her as well as support her and the story itself as I always hope.

[Einstein Noodle]

oooooooooooo i want to know what happens next so well done says i .. minor editing here and there you will catch in re-reading ..the intro hooked me as i have seen what depression and drug abuse do (i am a retired RN) cries fro help ..and successful suicides all to common as our world keeps spinning ... so many horrible illegal drugs let alone abuse of those that are legitimate .. its that devastating pain that hooks me good! .. i must know who "she" is and what "she" has done ..if anything ;)
E.

[Centipedle]

I'll be making a series with kurt soon, so it will delve into her depression and all that. And her relationship with this girl.

[Einstein Noodle]

i will be looking for it :)