Princess and a Queen

Shoe's found what she's looking for, but how she's going to help the princess back on the throne. She isn't sure.

I remembered something my advisor, let alone my best friend, had told me before I left. “You are here to help the princess regain the throne, don’t go meddling into other affairs.” Yes, that was just it, wasn’t it? I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, my right hand on my side as I looked out into the forest. How exactly had my journey begun here? Simple really - my blood called for it. As it stood to reason, the four dragons were not the only ones with the blood of their ancestors in their veins. Other countries had many legends, advertising the gods that had created them. King Hiryuu was not the only dragon god to have granted the life of a human. However, that was a legend best saved for another day, wasn’t it?

I was so close I could taste it, to the princess that is. With our sources, word traveled fast. While the Kouka kingdom may not have known it, I knew a lot about what had happened to Yona. The majority of it at least. As I walked down a muddied path, a scent touched my nose and got stronger as I went towards the bustling river. The roar of the heavy rapids filled my ears, yet a muffled voice broke out into the air, “Help me.” a meek voice of a woman said from the river. I rushed over to the bank to find a red headed form struggling to keep herself afloat in the water. Was that Princess Yona? I placed the sword on my side quickly on to the dry patch of bank before jumping into the body of water. I measured my jump to be a few feet in front of her, that way she landed directly into my arms. Luckily enough I was a good swimmer, one would have to be to fight off these powerful waters. My clothes dragged me down none the less, getting some water in my mouth as I finally carried her to shore, pulling the princess onto the bank.

She was still conscious, breathing heavy as her chest heaved. It didn’t look like she had ingested any water, I, on the other hand, spat out the foul water from my palate at the remembrance. Thank god she was simply disturbed and startled by the incident, still regaining herself, but she suddenly sat up. 

“Princess!” I perked my head, grabbing my sword and placing it back into my side as Yona tried to stand. I placed my hands on her shoulders.

“You shouldn’t move.” I warned as she sat back down again. I took note of a silver form joined by a few others approaching me. Already taking the offensive as he bared his fangs, my heart took a single beat. White Dragon, Blue dragon, Yellow Dragon and Green. There was also a young boy, and a strong looking man with them. If I could only learn their names, Princess Yona was the only one I knew of by name.

“Who are you? Get away from the princess right now.” The white dragon hissed and the dark haired human was about to lunge with his large weapon when Yona stood up in front of me.

“Don’t hurt her, she saved me from the river.” Yona argued as I took a step back, blinking. I probably would have spoken more but I was just amazed I had found them all in a short amount of time. Yona went and turned towards me, we were just around the same height, if not I was only about an inch taller than her. “What’s your name?” I froze up for a moment.

“Shoe….” I breathed as she smiled, “Are you...Princess Yona?” I heard audible gasps from the others as the dark haired man clenched his teeth and glared at me with his sharp blue eyes.

“So you know who I am?” she continued on as if it were nothing as the others stood by. I watched them, a little worried before I looked at her.

“A little… I’m not an enemy if that’s what you are assuming. I’m simply - well…. it’s a bit complicated really.” I became a little frustrated with myself until she grabbed my hands gingerly, looking at me with a smile.

“You don’t have to tell me, why don’t we sit down and talk?” she grinned as the others started to relax. The white dragon, however, spoke up.

“Princess, are you sure we can trust this person? She’s wielding a sword.” he gestured towards Matthias at my side.

“I’m not gonna kill someone I just saved - honestly why would I want to kill her? All you guys have done is bare your fangs when she’s showed me kindness.” I had to say out loud. Honestly, my advisor would scoff at their behavior. In all the kingdoms it was never nice to be holding your own. Yet, in their circumstances I did suppose I could understand why they were always at arm's length with each other. This seemed to tame them down, as the young, fairly beautiful boy came to Yona’s side. “You’re soaking wet! How did you even fall in the river in the first place? You scared me half to death!”, he sighed as he pulled a hand down his face, “Never mind, let's find somewhere dry to camp and get you out of those clothes before you catch a cold.” Yona gave the boy a warm smile before turning in my direction, “You're wet as well, so come stay by our fire tonight. It's the least we can do.” With her words there was no possible room to complain, not from me nor her companions.

Everyone settled around a group of trees, one of them started a fire that lit up the area nicely. Yona’s clothes were drying over a tree, she wearing the dark haired man’s shirt and coat in order to cover herself. I refused to take off my clothes, saying the warmth of the fire would dry them plenty. I’d rather get a cold then have to take them off at the moment. Regardless I was a bit more resilient than a normal human at least. I let out a sigh, so here I am, sitting by the fire of whom I've been searching for and yet I didn't have the guts to say anything.

“Shoe, what are you doing here in this forest?” Yona asked me, making my head perk up. I tried to think of a reason, but then I realized. What sort of Queen was I if I did not tell her the truth.

“I was looking for you… Yona.” I started as my eyes moved over the rest of the group, who still remained suspicious. “With no harmful intent, I actually wanted to help you…. I know a little of the situation you're in and I do think you belong on the throne.” I brushed through my slightly damp hair. “I can’t explain why yet or who I really am, but I’d like you to use me.” I smiled. 

For a moment it seemed like she was debating, but before she could reject me I lifted a finger. Making her look at me quietly. “Why haven’t any of you sensed anything yet?” I mentioned, “You are under the impression there are only four dragons, but… that’s for Kouka.” I crossed my arms again when the Yellow dragon spoke up.

“Zeno feels it, not as strong as it was with the other dragons but - you’re also one.” I blinked for a moment. Speaking in third person was he? Yet he was spot on as I nodded my head.

“So before you reject me, think about that. While I may not be your dragon. I do wish to help you in whatever it is you want to obtain.” I pressed a hand against my face. The dark haired male clicked his tongue, making my blood boil slightly. Some electricity fell from my lips but I let it pass. My temper would be the end of me here. I noticed a small squirrel jump from the blue dragon and towards me. I flinched a bit as he jumped onto my knees. The blue dragon stared at me quietly as I timidly patted the animal.

“Okay.” I looked at the princess, “If what you say is true then - I’d like to borrow your power.” she smiled and laughed a bit. I had the electricity lungs of a dragon, that enough was to spark fires and the like. It was blue in color rather than yellow. I was about to speak more when the green dragon decided to make himself comfortable next to me.

“What’s a lov - “

“I’m married.” I retorted quickly as he seemed to get a little fizzled. “I would like to know all your names before we go any further though.” The green dragon moped as he scooted away from me. While my marriage was simply a formality between two kingdoms - it was the best way to stop men like him from bothering me. 

“That’s Hak, my childhood friend.” The blue eyed man gave a frown at her words and ducked his head, perhaps in a curt bow but I wasn't too sure. She moved on and pointed to each person as she spoke,  “Shin-ah over there is the blue dragon, the one next to you is the green dragon, Jae-ha. The white dragon is Kija and Zeno is the yellow dragon.” Yona introduced all of them, as Shin-Ah pointed to the Squirrel. “Ao.” I blinked before looking at the creature and smiled as he rubbed his face on my hand in greeting.

The handsome boy suddenly popped his head out from the makeshift tent on the other side of the fire, a bundle of materials in his hands, “Don't forget me!” The princess laughed as she gave an apologetic look, “Sorry, that's Yoon. He is practically our mother.” The group chuckled as Yoon grumbled from inside the tent. I gave a small laugh as well before calling everyone's attention back with my words,

“Nice to meet you all. I look forward to traveling together.”

Author's Note

First chapter of my fanfiction lightning dragons wish. Shoe is my own character but the others belong to the creator of Akatsuki no Yona. To make the story less confusing, here's a synopsis of the show/manga :

Yona of the dawn is a story about how long ago a dragon god king was transformed into a human. Four of his dragons decided to give their blood to four warriors in order to protect him. And while the now mortal king died, the four warriors' powers were passed on for generations.

Now in present day, Yona the princess of the kingdom just turned sixteen. It was then when her cousin and potentially the love of her life Soo-won slayed her father the king and usurped the throne. Leaving Yona and her childhood friend and guard Hak to flee the castle. Yona saught out the four dragons - soon revealing that she was the reincarnation of the late dragon king.

Now with this being said my story is set with my character Shoe.

Shoe is a queen of a foreign country over from Kouka. In her kingdom the one who has the lightning dragon's blood reigns(they also have the light and darkness dragons, but in their legends their mortal king never came back). She came to Yona out of sheer curiosity and to meet the other dragons. Though it slowly develops into Shoe wanting Yona to take control of the throne that is rightfully hers since her cousin usurped it.

Reviews

[TheRaven]

JayG covers a lot of what I would say in a far more quantitative manner.

There's a lot of nothing happening here. Saved the princess and theeennn, nothing. You paid far too much attention to details that don't matter. No one is interested in hand placement, etc. unless it's crucial. A hand to the cheek or hair is important for something like an intimate moment. A hand by the side? We don't need it. Them running their hand through their hair? We don't need it, sure it can show nervousness perhaps but it's a cliched way of doing it.

The character voices lack authenticity and strength, the dialogue comes off a bit stiff and artificial in this regard. Everyone seems to trusting right away. A lot of my problems probably come from not too much knowledge of the source material. There's a double issue of too much description and too little. This is the first chapter of your book, you want the story to pop and sizzle right away. If it doesn't, people won't go forward.

Good news is, there's underlying potential as there always is with writers. Keep crafting, keep writing.

[S. von Glaubitz]

Squee!!! When I read you're other piece I didn't realize it was in the world of Yona!! Not sure if that makes me your first reviewer who has watched and loved the anime, but hopefully I can add some valuable critiques because of it. Ahh, brings me back to my own days of writing fanfiction (though no one was ever, ever meant to read it, and I never read anyone else’s). Writing fanfiction is good practice if nothing else!

So even though I know the characters and Yona's backstory already, as a reader I would still love some more detail. When Shoe first saves Yona from the river, you write "she was simply disturbed and startled by the incident." I want more! Yona is such a vibrant character, and storytelling still demands you spend a little more time illustrating these first few moments with her. What is she doing to give Shoe this impression? Is she verbalizing anything?

I also want to see more from the rest of the gang when they first come in. The problem is it’s a lot of characters doing nothing, and there might not be a place for them to do more, since there’s more important development going on as Shoe and Yona interact for the first time. The worst part is they all end up getting written as a single unit. I have a few recommendations. Hold off on everyone else showing up until Shoe and Yona have some alone time. Or have only Kija and Hak or Yoon show up. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to juggle too many characters in one scene. My friend once told me that her trick is to just avoid it as much as possible.

Those are the characters I know already. I don't know Shoe yet. You're treatment of her is much stronger. My only question is how willing is she to be on this journey? It seems mixed throughout the chapter. Since this is the opening, you might consider emphasizing Shoe's motivation (of course without giving too much away).

Also, make sure you reveal a reason Yona ended up in the river with no one else around to save her. I know that bunch, and especially Hak would not have her far out of sight. Also, would Zeno have sensed Shoe's presence and been on alert? Should they be more concerned about the fact that she almost drowned, and not just that stranger Shoe is there?

Shoe reveals to the group that she's also a dragon, and that alieves their suspicion. Meanwhile, I have alarm bells going off in my head on behalf of Team Yona. Clearly none of them have watched Fushigi Yugi! There are other dragons? Well there are also other Celestial Warriors and they’re out to get the Priestess of Suzaku! Haha, I think this is just a case of reader bias, and at least it’s not out of character for Yona to be so trusting. Oh and watch Fushigi Yugi. I feel like it’s kind of the genre precursor for Yona of the Dawn, and absolutely a classic.

Finally, for the sake of my own curiosity as a fan of the show, is this picking up where Season 1 left off?

Overall, I think this is off to a fun start. I can't wait to read more.

[Centipedle]

Since I read the manga this is really not set in any part of the manga nor anime. Since it's after she meets lady lili(a character who is really close to Yona) but before a bunch of the main plot is going on.

I appreciate your insight, juggling a lot of characters IS hard and I think it will become more and more clear who and what Shoe is and wants later on. Sometimes she acts like such a teenager despite her age and does things simply because she feels like it.

the story of how Yona ended up in the river. She was washing clothes by herself and the dragons probably could have grabbed her easily but Shoe ended up showing up first ;3. At least how I see it. And yeah everyone's pretty suspicious of Shoe until later.

I'm glad someone whose watched the anime is enjoying it so far though I look forward to you reading the rest.

[LastMonth]

Hmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmh.

Fanfiction.
I really think that Fanfiction can be immensly enjoyble and addictive.
If-- If-- You know and love the source material.
Problem with the Fanfiction Section of writing is that if you are not familier with the Source..No.
If you're not -intimate- with the source, you won't really get it. Since Fanfiction often skips alot of the character building and introduction that you just assume we know.

The writing is good.
IF I try to act as if this is a stand-alone product,
It is definetly of a high quality.
The pacing is a tad too fast for my liking, I'd like to see things go slowly.
But then again, sine this is a fanfiction, dragging things is meaningless since your targeted audiance already know and understand these characters in a way that I do not.

Good job with this, though I'd really love to see you write something wholly original.

[JayG]

I’m afraid you’re going to hate me, but I thought you would want to know. Before I begin, though, let me say that nothing I’m about to talk about has to do with you, your story, or your talent. It’s about two huge misunderstandings we all leave high school with. First: we think we learned how to write, and that since writing is writing, we have the skills needed to write fiction.

We don’t, because there are as many ways of writing as there are specializations, because each medium, and objective, dictate different approaches. In school we learn only a set of general, not professional skills, designed to make us useful to our future employers. That’s why we spend so much time on reports and essays. But those applications are nonfiction, and designed to inform, while fiction is designed to entertain. So when we turn to recording our stories, all our training guides us into writing it in a nonfiction way: author-centric and fact-based.

The second misunderstanding is that in our reading we get a feel for how to write—absorb technique, so to speak. But what we read is the sales product version, edited and polished. What we need to create our own product is the process. And such things as the structure of a scene on the page—as it differs from on the stage and screen—were not even mentioned in our school days. So though we never realize it, we are as prepared to write a novel as we are to remove an appendix.

But the good news is that it’s all fixable once you add a few professional tricks to your tool kit and practice them till they’re automatic, as are your current writing skills.

Take a deep breath, and I’ll show you how an editor would react to a few lines from the story:

• I remembered something my advisor, let alone my best friend, had told me before I left. “You are here to help the princess regain the throne, don’t go meddling into other affairs.” Yes, that was just it, wasn’t it?”

In this you’re using first person pronouns, but “person” has nothing to do with viewpoint. Change all the “I” to “she” and “my” to “her,” and nothing is changed, It’s still someone who is not on the scene talking about it. The fact that the narrator is pretending to be the character at some later time does not change telling into showing.

Look at the last line. In your entire life, have you ever had a thought expressed that way? I ask, because if you haven’t—and I certainly haven’t—it can’t seem real if she does. If she remembered what was said, as you said she did at the start, she remembered it. Rhetorical questions glued on like glitter serve only to slow the reading.

• I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, my right hand on my side as I looked out into the forest.

What possible reason would a reader have for wanting to know what she’s doing with the hand she isn’t using? You might as well report every time she swallows, or farts. Your reader can’t see either her or the setting, so the visual details of what they could see but isn’t paying attention to are irrelevant. But of more importance, you have the character alone on stage, doing nothing that sets the scene, moves the plot, or develops character. All she’s doing is having you place thoughts in her head so as to feed information to the reader. How real can she seem to a reader if she does that? She’s a plot device, not a living character.

Why does a reader care that she’s looking at things not important enough to her to react to. Those are visual details, and the page cannot reproduce vision. If she looks at something there has to be a reason, and she has to react to what she notices, or the time spent reading what she was doing was wasted.

What you’re doing is something most newer writers do. You’re visualizing the film version and describing it. And that’s a waste of time. In an eye-blink the viewer would see everything around her, and learn a huge amount about the setting and ambience. And in parallel, their hearing would be doing the same. For you to match that would take thousands of words, and most of what you described would be things she’s ignoring. No matter how hard you try, the medium cannot match a visual presentation—and vise versa. That’s why the film version is always different from the book.

At the same time as the viewer saw the scene they would see her, and learn a huge amount about her. And, the actress playing her, having spent years perfecting her craft, would make sure the reader learned her mood down to the smallest nuance, thorugh gesture, expression, and a hundred other ways. How in the hell can you accomplish all that with a few hundred words of prose?

The answer is that you can’t, and trying to wastes both your and the reader’s time. The medium we work in is a harsh master, and difficult to please.

But ways have been found to make a story work on the page, developed over centuries. Narrow the focus to what has her attention in the moment she calls now, and now you can describe that in a reasonable number of words. Make the reader know only what has her attention, and know it as she does, so they will reason as she does. Make them privy to her decision-making and her resources, and present it in such a way that the reader reaches the same conclusion as she will, and shouts advice to her, because now they care.

In short, stop explaining the story and make the reader live it, with the protagonist as their avatar. There’s the fun of reading. Make them CARE, and they’ll keep turning pages. Lecture them and they yawn.

Start your scene with story, not history. Give your protagonist a problem to solve—one she MUST solve. Then get off stage and let her go at it, in real-time. Make the future uncertain. Treat your protagonist horribly, and keep her off balance and running, unable to catch her balance and unable to stop, gaining speed all the time. Keep your reader saying, “Holy crap…what do we do about that?” And then make it worse.

So how do you do that? You learn the tricks the pros take for granted, and make them your own. After all, if we spend no time or money on our professional education, acquiring the necessary skills, can we call yourselves serious about our writing?

Start with this article. It outlines the difference between telling and showing.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

It’s a very different way of presenting a story—one that’s emotion, not fact-based; character, not author-centric; entertains instead of just informing. Think about it, and play with it, till you can see what it can do for your story. The article was condensed from my favorite book on writing, one filled with tricks like that. It’s also a book that can change how you think about constructing and presenting a story to a more professional view.

You may also want to sample the writing articles in my blog, because they’re based on the techniques found in that book.

I know this wasn’t what you were hoping for, but though it’s hard to take (And I know, because I’ve been there) but the good news is that if you truly were meant to be a writer you’ll find the learning like going backstage at the theater, fun.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Centipedle]

I don't hate you at all, I'm always looking to improve myself as a writer and I'm positive my friend would love to read this as well(she's studying to be an editor so I let her edit my prose work). All of this is great advice and makes me happy that you would go through the effort to come and post on my work to help me out.

I'll be sure to check the links out, especially for my serious work that I wish to publish one day(this being personal and fanfiction I'm not sure if more effort will go into it or not depends on my mood I guess.) I look forward to you posting on my of my work.

Soon I'll have a short story uploaded which I would LOVE for you to look at. It'll be a stand alone and so would be something I appreciate greatly.

Thank you.

[JayG]

Let me know when it shows up. But...if you don't take steps to add some professional tricks, the approach will be the same, so the result will be, too. Remember, if we don't entertain, from page one, they won't turn to page two. And if that happens, we wasted the time to write it.

[JBoone]

All your writing is so good. This is no expection. Very descriptive and well constructed. Great plot and wonderful character developement. Thanks for the back story as well. Brought the whole thing together.

[Centipedle]

My friend goes and edits it so I can't take all the credit, thank you for the review! I hope you'll read the rest of the story when it comes out. Don't be afraid to send me a read request or pm.

[Soulcatchers]

Thanks for the description because I was really confused. I love your dialogue its great! Even though it would be time consuming I would recommend explaining more in the first chapter because folks that familiar with anime/manga will be really confused. I love the dragons and shoe btw

[Centipedle]

I'll have to keep that in mind, currently I have more than maybe ten chapters written xD. Hopefully through time though more is explained because in all Shoe is also left a little in the dark, so she explains some about herself as well as learning more about the others.

[AliciaB]

Cool! This makes much more sense now that I know the background. I'm not familiar with this anime/manga, but I like the way you have presented the characters. Shoe is really cool, and I love the way she uses "I'm married" to get the green dragon to back off. Ao and Yoon are also super cute. I'm interested to see where this goes. Keep it up!

[Centipedle]

Shoe is one of my favorite characters I've made - I've had her for about a year now ^^ I'm glad you like it.