Chapter Two

Chapter Two

      1

     Have you ever had farts so sharp they scratched your a*s on the way out? Maybe I asked this question already, but it stirred the pot again in my head as I slid another cookie between my lips. In my sugar induced utopia I pondered the mystery of Subway cookies. Obviously the b******s put addicting chemicals within every blissful bite.

      I welcomed nightfall as it settled in. Its shadowy depths snaked along corridors and provided mystery for contents within. Usually that was when my anus was most active. I don't know why except maybe all of the day's excessive consumption of various delights reached my colon and brewed an endless supply of toxic air as a result.

     I tossed the foil ball from my last Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and savored the heavenly flavors erupting across my taste buds. Surely there was no greater pleasure than this. Expelling gas from my tight nether regions served a certain relief, but not like this.

     "What should we call ourselves," I asked. "Surely we can come up with a convincing identity."

     It grinned and laughed a dark hearty laugh. "The reincarnation of Al Gore's turds," it suggested.

     I sat up. "No. I was thinking more along the lines of human alias."

     It swung its arrow pointed tail and sliced a chocolate pillar in half. "That would work, but it'll take a lot of concentration."

     Clearing my throat I replied, "That shouldn't be a problem. Watch this." As energy swallowed me I imagined myself thin with cascading dark hair, brilliant eyes and porcelain skin. When I felt complete I turned to it and said in a much softer voice, "What do you think?"

     "Terrifying," it said.

     Folding my arms across my chest I scoffed. "If you can do better I'd love to see."

     When it emerged from its own energy cocoon I chuckled and sat back down as it asked, "How about this?"

     "Yeah, I think splitting species wouldn't be a good idea. Try human, not sheep and deer, you dork."

     "What else distinguishes them," it asked as it again was enveloped in shimmering threads.

     I pointed to between my legs. "Some of something called 'vagina" while others have 'penis," I explained. "I guess I have the vagina since I have flesh boulders here." I then pointed to me chest.

     "Do you know for sure what they look like," it asked, emerging as 'male'.

     I grimaced. "I've seen pictures. The vagina looks like a weird axe wound and the penis is like a limp noodle accompanied by smaller boulders behind it."

     "Sickening," he said and cringed.

     I leapt to my feet. "Since we are disguised now let's observe some humans." Then I noticed his naked form and said, "You need to wear the human clothes like I am." I turned around to model the pink and white vintage cocktail dress.

     "This is so complicated," he moaned and snapped his fingers. Fabric spun around his lean frame and weaved frilly mixture of wonder and awe. "There," he said flatly.

     As I adjusted my spaghetti straps I tilted my head. "You look like a ballerina."

     "And you look like a present with that bow around your waist."

     In unison we exclaimed, "Yay! We are so pretty!"

     "But now we need names," I said.

     Suddenly his expression darkened. "It just keeps getting more complicated!"

     I hushed him with a finger and said, "Just let me do the thinking then. I want to be called Muffin. You can be called...Fries."

     2

      The rich brightness lit up the street. Steadily we moved into a crowd and a mixture of scents assaulted my nostrils. Some detailed a life of substance abuse while others indicated insecurity and a need for validation.

     Fries paused and gestured to large lettering atop a curved stone. Its demand for attention drew me toward it as well and we exited the horde for a closer inspection.

     "We must enter," I stated firmly and found an entrance adjacent to the throbbing neon marvel. The man who blocked our path was a beastly giant with thick bulging arms and a deep defiant stare. "Step aside, guard man. We wish to enter this establishment and speak with its leader."

     His beady black eyes scoured me. Up and down his consideration travelled as a smile slowly sprawled across his face. "Is that so?" Then he acknowledged Fries and laughed. "It's too early for Halloween."

     Fries and I glanced at one another. The consistent rhythm from within hammered, screamed and sometimes altered in voice and when the door opened to allow exist or entry it was even more piercing.

     "Take us to your leader, beast," Fries hissed.

     He took a step in his direction and asked, "Are you two on something?"

     Puzzled I replied, "We are on this solid surface." I tapped the ground with a heel and met his gaze. "Now let us in." I made sure to implant compliance with a causal blink and as it rendered him submissive he moved aside.

     Inside bodies convulsed and twisted to match the sound streaming from devices suspended on walls as lights flickered and rotated, raced and dimmed. To our right was an elongated surface with stools and busy hands pouring tawny liquid into sparkling glasses. As they exchanged hands and met the lips of greedy mouths I watched the substance disappear.

     "What...is...this...place," I shuddered.

     Fries gasped. "A realm of torture," he replied. "I'm going to explore. If danger rises do not hesitate to engage in combat."

     I nodded and as he swam through the crowd I deposited myself on an empty stool. Fries had been consumed by volumes of thrashing figures though I knew where his curiosity resided. It was I who fed him the enchanted tale of polished porcelain bowls where waste was expelled. What did the humans call the place again? Bathroom? Restroom? Lavatory?

     Unaware of the emerald stare of the human next to me I jerked when he spoke. "Wow." His voice incarcerated infatuation.

     I gulped. The horrid ideals of such captivation made my abdomen tense as I've seen it before only in those seeking to consume flesh.

    "You're beautiful," he breathed as color highlighted his cheeks.

     Beautiful? What was 'beautiful'? Was it a declaration of impending doom? I searched the definition as a string of words charged through my intellect.

     "I'm sorry," he then said and shyly looked away only to be transfixed as his eyes met mine.