December 28, 2013

On This Day Exactly, My Angel, My companion when no one else was there, my shoulder to cry on when I felt like everyone else was judging me. My reflection, passed away, I mean it's been A liddo while since the last time I seen his body. But somehow as crazy as it might seem to some folks, I just don't believe that I haven't seen him physically since he passed away. Like last night, I feel like he was in my room, because first my door just opened on its own. And instead of getting scared, like I should have I just thought about it again, and chalked that up to me being paranoid, and It might have just been my cat looking around for something else to eat. But then as I tried to make myself go to sleep, realizing what I was doing, I got up and almost started walking around my house. And it wasn't until a couple hours later, little did I know, that I realized I was awake looking for a cigarette. Which is something that he always did, some nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear him asking for cigarettes. All night long he would beg anyone that passed to give him a cigarette. And I would hear an alarm bell in my head, saying do not ignore this. But at the time I was so busy worrying about my own suffering that I didn't really worry about someone else pain. That I thought at the moment I was making easier on them at the moment but I messed up, I really, really messed up this time and I'm not sure I'm sorries and you were rights are going to fix it this time. Only time will tell if I will be able to give up smoking cigarettes and weed for the sake of a good time in the moment will only last about as long as a high does. Which, If you're a regular smoker then you know that it will not be an easy task, but I did it, a couple of times in the past and it worked out just fine, for me. So, from here on out whatever I feel like doing before I do it, I'm going to have to find some way to remind myself that a cigarette is not going to amount to my happiness. And not as happy as others want me to be, but happy enough to gain some hope, and perspective, and eventually stability. That I desperately need to gain because if not I'm going to be way more unhappy then the folks that are around me. Which, no matter how you put it will not end well because I will be going through the motions of doing things for the sake of people saying that I did well, and the harsh reality of me knowing that I lied for the sake of a good time will bother me more than not being able to afford something to eat. And this is why I am going through all of the suffering that I am going through I am constantly battling good and confused. I'm not going to say good, and evil because evil people do things, to hurt people without remorse for what happens in the end. A real good person no matter how much a person yells, screams, cries, or does anything out of anger knows that the difference between evil and good. A real good person will know that a any good person can get caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's just that you have to know how to pick and choose your battles. And I'm learning that I could see, because a couple of days ago I was trying to keep these evil thoughts in my head, that are exactly that evil, and attended to hurt someone whether it was an in the moment feeling or some feelings that were just a passing glance. And I guess my best friend maybe, my best friend seen what I am seeing now, and I only say I maybe because right now at the moment, it looks like my best friend, talks like my best friend, and acts sort of like my best friend, but in reality isn't my best friend. It's just an image of what I want my best friend to be like, and kind of a wake up call for me because now that I know why my best friend is the way he is, I also know that he would be way more unhappy here beside me pretending to be happy, or so he thinks and until he gets rid of that mind set he will not get anywhere and there is nothing that I can do for him but sit back and watch him suffer as much as I don't want to. And as much as I think it'll be better for me f he decides he'll take what he got, because what he got was reality. And the real way things are planed to go, it's this free will business that throws everyone off, but if you are truly a good person you will not have to work hard to be happy. You just have to work hard to keep your sanity in a world where anything is possible with just the right amount of motivation. And the right things in your life that makes you question people's sanity will go away once you are happy with yourself once again. A