Addiction

Originally written 4.26.13. "- that must be as close as humans get to feeling like a deity."

“I do,” he whispered , “I have one, an addiction.”

He wouldn’t face me, he stared straight ahead hugging his legs and resting his chin on his knees. He sighed and continued.

“But certain things - they don’t work for me. I can’t work with just anything, everything, no. Random women off the street: prostitutes, strippers, ye old harlots and strumpets, they don’t satisfy me. Nothing really satisfies me, but they don’t do anything for me, they don’t give me a false sense of quenched thirst or a flame put out, they don’t have me believe they will be my last if only for a while. No, I need nearness, I need - I crave the nearness of one I’ve known before. It makes quite a difference, having a familiar body under your hands, no matter how many you can describe as ‘familiar’.”

He paused for a moment, not shifting his gaze but slowly beginning to rock back and forth as he began again.

“You, you were one, and you know most of the others. It’s something pleasurable, something savory, something sweet - knowing that due to our status in society, our status in ourselves and our status as unbridled followers of the Christian God that none of you could come forward with how many times you’ve been with me. How you loved every second of it, how your back arched and your breath caught in your throat when I touched the right spot. You could never tell how you moaned when I pressed against you or how my body was familiar under your hands as well.”

He paused once more but only for an almost non-existant second, to smirk and flirt with the night.

“You couldn’t tell how I’d won. How I’d won you over, how my connection with you, my intimacy with you was a trophy no one would see me hold but I could grasp quite well, You couldn’t tell how you chose me, how you heart filled with guilt when you saw the Bible leaning against the side of the bookshelf or lying on the dresser but you smothered that with harsher kisses and heavier breaths. None of you could tell how I made you feel undeniable, beautiful, and wanted in a way you’d never felt before. It seems as if,” he laughed quietly but grimaced shortly after, “the way I would take control and the way I made even the most talkative of you hush and the quietest of you scream my name, the way your fingernails raked my back and you begged me to hold you tighter and tighter until we had finally become one - that must be as close as humans get to feeling like a deity. On those nights, I was your god and I’ll be damned if that didn’t feel absolutely amazing.”