Holy Cow

Thorton Wilder experimented in writing "three minute plays," his own creation in which a complete story with only three characters is told in (of course) three minutes. Here is one that I have written for an English class. It is about a Southern family

 

Characters:

Mama – a middle-aged Christian woman from the South

Peach – Mama’s daughter, a Southern young girl with attitude

Jedadiah – Peach’s older brother, a dimwit

 

Setting: It is the middle of the night after dinner; our three characters are situated on the porch of their home overlooking the corn crop of their farm. The farm is an isolated place without the benefits of modern technology.

 

Our three characters enter from stage left, the brother and sister pushing and shoving. The brother, Jedadiah is whining. His mother, Mama, looks on apathetically.

 

JEDADIAH

But Mama, I don’ wanna clean out the barn! Make Peach do it.

 

PEACH

Oh, I did it las’ time! I ain’t doin’ it a-geen. (To herself) Not my fault it’s so filthy.

 

MAMA

(Making the sign of the cross)

Lor’ in Heaven the two o’ yous gimme a mighty headache. Now I won’ listen to this bickerin’ so cut it out.

 

JEDADIAH

But Mama! It’ll take me hours!

 

PEACH

(Points to Jedadiah)

Ha!

 

Suddenly, lights flash, the ground shakes. The three look around at each other in fear and shock.

 

JEDADIAH

Did you see that?!

 

PEACH

T’was one o’ them ‘yoo-eff-ohs!’

 

MAMA

Jesus! The Lor’ of Heaven has come a-geen at las’!

(sign of the cross again)

 

PEACH

No, Mama, t’was an ail-ee-en space craft.

 

MAMA

(Not hearing her daughter, enchanted, eyes full of wonder) The Lor’ Jesus’s come down!

 

JEDADIAH

(Looking over at her, narrowing eyes)

Mama, it wasn’ Jesus.

 

MAMA

Yes t’was! Yes t’was! Come down to take the good lambs t’ love in Heaven!

 

Peach stands, followed by her brother. Mama remains sitting, rocking back and forth in joy.

 

PEACH

(Motioning to the “corn field” in front of her) 

Mama, look at them crop circles; they ain’t caused by no Jesus.

 

MAMA

(Animated, enthusiastic)

T’is a sign from the Lor’!

 

JEDADIAH

(Pointing to corner) 

Mama, the ’coons are actin’ rabid. 

 

(Whoever is playing Peach ‘Mooos’) 

Bessie’s gone green!

 

MAMA

A Miracle!

(She continues to act in ecstasy)

 

PEACH

The cows’re flyin’!

 

MAMA:

(Oblivious) Angels! Messengers from the Lor’!

 

PEACH

(Person playing Jedadiah makes whistling and crashing sounds. “Explosions”)

 

Mama! Someone just blew up the town!

(Looking, motioning, out to the distance)

 

MAMA

He’s a-punishin’ the wicked!

 

JEDADIAH

 (Looking incredulously at Mama)

Father Josiah lives thar!

 

MAMA

(Falling to knees, raising hands to Heaven)

Pray! Pray for forgiveness my children!

 

(She pulls out a Bible and starts to silently “read” verses animatedly)

 

JEDADIAH

(Trying to make his mother stand)

Come on, we a-gots-ta take cover!

 

PEACH

Where? Not like we’ll fit in the barn wi’ all that filth. Now if only some’n had cleaned it out….

(Gesturing towards Jedadiah with a bob of the head, her hands on her hips)

 

JEDADIAH

(Turning on Peach)

Well you’re always a-tellin’ me I’m-a too stupid to be doin’ stuff….

 

The ground starts to shake again violently, putting a stop to any further argument. Jedadiah and Peach look around, frightened.  Mama looks at the sky in wonder.

 

PEACH

(Points out over crop field)

Look thar!

JEDADIAH

It’s comin’ back!

 

Jedadiah and Peach duck and cower, while Mama still kneels on the ground. Lights flash again Peach screams, but only two come back on this time: one over Jedadiah and the other over Mama. Peach has disappeared. (Been abducted).

 

JEDADIAH

(Looking around confused)

Peach….?

 

MAMA

Oh! Thank ye Lor’ Jesus for takin’ my baby up to the land o’ eternal-ness. My good baby’s been saved!

 

JEDADIAH

It’s an ab-duck-shun! Mama, we gotta do somethin’! They could be performin’ some horrible ex-per-ee-ments on ’er!

 

MAMA

Lesser child not worthy o’ the land o’ Jesus!

(For the first time looking directly at one of her children)

 

Sinner! You chil’ o’ Satan! Go ’n clean out the barn!

 

(Looking back away)

Oh, my Peach’s been saved!

 

JEDADIAH

(Looking first at MAMA, then to the imaginary barn, and finally to the sky with wide eyes)

Wait!!!! Take me too!

 

END SKIT

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

funnier with accents...