Procrastination, Procrastination

Avoiding the big day

 

I walked into the kitchen and stood in front of the refrigerator for a few minutes. I could hear Ayden get up and turn on the water. He was always first in the shower since I took longer and he had to be at work before me. In fact I could have been asleep for another hour but I had gotten so used to his alarm ringing that after it went off I couldn’t go to sleep. I finally settled on some fruit and a piece of toast. I sat at the counter in the kitchen and munched on the food for a while.

As I sat there for another morning all I could think about was him. I didn’t know what to think anymore. It was bothering me but what was I supposed to do? Tell Ayden the truth? No I couldn’t and never would. It was true I was going to go to the wedding alone. Ayden was going to leave to Spain to visit relatives tonight. The wedding had been postponed for about two, three years now. First it was because the bride was pregnant, then because they were having problems when she reviled to the groom that it might not be his and that had taken about a year or so for him to decide if he really wanted to marry her, but now at twenty it was a sure thing that they could make it through anything.

The only part of my dream that was impossible was the time frames. When Jason and I had dated we were still in high school. It had been years since I had honestly been in the same room with him. I had seen him from time to time but that was only because we lived fairly close to one another. It was a bit ironic how on the day that I moved out last year I saw him.

I was visiting the bride Melissa and that was an awful experience, so I was driving and I decided to stop at the old high school. I was parked there and then I saw him coming from a distance. I could see that his eyes were just on me. He stared as he got closer to me and then my cell phone rang, and as fate would have it just when I told Ayden ‘I love you’ as I was about to hang up he passed and turned at the words. I was so embarrassed that I just started the car and went to an isolated part of that park and cried for a while.

That was the last that I had seen of him. Melissa had said that he never got over me but Melissa was a pathological liar so I never found out the truth. She had told me that he was going solo to the wedding. I didn’t want to go alone so I had debated between Byron who was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. He was also very arrogant about it. See Byron and I had been friends since we were thirteen, and ever since then he had this larger than life personality since he was on his way to becoming a rock star, or let me rephrase that a ‘metal rock GOD’ yet again I repeat a larger than life personality.

Byron would most likely bang every bride’s maid except for me tonight. Even though I say all this he is honestly a nice guy. He has his insecurities and I know that he isn’t all that tough so it was cool, but after that dream I wasn’t sure that I wanted to take him. I could always take Riley who was my best female friend.

Riley was pretty to say the least. She was short but had a beautiful dark-ish face. She had small brown eyes and small facial features which almost made her look like a doll. She had a small figure but her personality was anything but small. She was loud and out-spoken, always said what was on her mind, didn’t worry about your feelings all she wanted to do was tell you the truth even though when it came to her life she was a pathological liar. I couldn’t take her though because knowing her she would be rude plus she was jet setting tonight with her newly rich boy friend Antonio.

Last but not least was Landon. He was the typical friend that every girl needs… the gay best friend. Landon was a bit on the short side but he was great looking. He was the gay guys dream date. He was sweet, caring, romantic, a PISCES. I mean what more could you want right? Well someone a little less sarcastic and less depressed would be nice but hey he was perfect to me, even though at times he would just talk to hear himself talk, but my best friend was being suckered into going and meeting his new boy friends family. His boy friend was gorgeous and nice so I had no objections.

I decided then and there that I would go alone. I didn’t want anyone to judge me for being there or watching the look on my face when he spots me, or when I spot him in the crowded room. I just didn’t want to know what would happen. I was a bride’s maid and the thought of her even setting him up with me scared me shitless. Then again the thought of him making some girl laugh in front of me just pissed me off. I was screwed; I realized it and moved on with it.

Just as I was finishing the last piece of my apple Ayden walked out of the bedroom. I was paranoid at this point. I was thinking that he could read my face. When he looked at me he would stop and stand there for a bit and then walk away. I watched him go and get a cup of coffee.

“So my flight leaves at 7 tonight. Are you sure you’re okay being here alone? I mean I know that Riley is out of town with Antonio, Byron is going to be screwing his latest concubine, and Landon has been spending time and a half with his boy friend… what’s his name?” Ayden said looking at me as he leaned on the counter.

“His name is Ethan.” I said smiling at him, trying to keep my cool.

“Well yeah he has been staying with Ethan a lot. Are you going to invite Celia or Sebastian over?” He asked looking a bit worried. Celia was my older sister. We were twins. Fraternal not identical. She had long jet black hair that went down to her waist, she was tall and skinny, light complected, sad eyes, piercings, tattoos, but beautiful. She was literally my other half. She was sarcastic and charming. I didn’t know one person who didn’t like her. She was smart and just had her stuff together. She was modeling professionally and made a load of money. She was in town this month. I did figure that she would come over tonight. I still needed to call her though.

As for Sebastian he was my brother. He was a few years older then Celia and I.  He was a bit shorter than Celia and had green eyes, he had long black straight hair which made him look even more pail, and he was well read and spoken. I think that for a while the only things that the three of us had in common was the fact that we liked to read and we are all sarcastic.

The three of us looked like my mom more than my dad. We got the light complexion from her, Celia got her body figure, we all got her hair color, Sebastian got her facial features, and me I got her eyes which a lot of people would say are my best attributes, as for Sebastian’s beautiful green eyes he got that from my mom’s side of the family to. We did get a few things from our father, they got his height, and I’m a bit on the short side. I got his wavy hair, they got his sad eyes, we all got his bad sense of humor, however my sister looked like him the most though.

“I’m thinking about having Celia over. Sebastian is off with his girl friend in Acapulco this month.” I said a little ticked off.

“Really? I thought they would be back by now.” Ayden said a little surprised by my reaction.

“Nope, I don’t know what that girl is doing to him! One minute he was basically a hermit and now look at him! He’s not writing music anymore he’s just off with her traveling the world and forgetting about his younger sisters. Ugh…” I said annoyed. I got up to get some crackers or something to munch on while I was discussing that evil b***h Vanessa.

Vanessa was your basic blonde, rich b***h. She was tall, blonde, and perfect, which was not perfect for him. I still talked to his ex girl friend Ceres. She however was tall with short black hair that had hot pink streaks running all through it, she was smart, gorgeous, and perfect for Sebastian. I respected him so much when he was with Ceres. All of his music sounded so tragic. See Sebastian composes music for an orchestra, the orchestra plays for movies or musicals. He was making a big name for himself and all that was thrown away for Vanessa.

I got some crackers and went back to the chair. I sat there looking pissed off and trying to figure out what my next sentence would consist of. Would I call Vanessa a b***h for the hundredth time? OR would I just sit there getting fat while he decided what to say or if he should say anything. I decided to sit there and wait for him to ask.

“Are you okay Cat?” He asked knowing that he might regret asking.

“I’m fine… I just hate her that’s all.” I said and took another bite of the cracker. That was it he asked something now I was going to rant while he got his stuff together to go off to yet another meeting. I stopped and looked at him for a bit. He was smiling which caught my attention. He looked so cute when he smiled but I wasn’t about to let him be amused at my misfortune.

“What are you smiling about? You think it’s funny huh? The fact that I am so pissed off because this rich, blonde, bimbo is making s**t out of my brother is amusing you isn’t it?” I said not actually as angry as I sounded, but I knew this would keep him in line for a bit and then he would laugh at me again.

“No it’s just that you’re cute when you get over protective Cathy.” He said. Ayden hadn’t called me Cathy for a few years. It made me remember my dream. I sucked it up and continued.

“Look Ayden I can’t help it. No one is going to be waiting for him to snap out of it. I just want what is best for him and being on daddy’s yacht isn’t it.” I said now sounding sad.

“I know Cathy it’s just you have to let him be happy that’s all.” He said and walked over to me. He hugged me and then kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry babe but I got to go to work. I’ll see you when I get home okay?” He said.

“Yeah. You better come back though! You can’t leave without me telling you goodbye.” I said and kissed him.

“I’d prefer for you to show me goodbye, if you know what I mean.” He said and kissed me again. “Well I’ll see you later okay?” He said.

“Okay be careful.” I said and kissed him one last time. Then he walked out of our apartment and off to work. Ayden was no longer in school. He had graduated a year earlier because of him being so good at what he did. Ayden was a contractor, not only a contractor but a great contractor, so now he worked and I working as well as a wedding planner’s assistant. I did this during the day and went to college part time.

I was studying to become a therapist. The idea of hearing other people’s problems was nice. I had always liked helping people solve their problems. But don’t get me wrong I loved the arts. Celia and I had been taking ballet since we were kids, we were in choir in high school but I had a knack for writing. I could sing, dance, write, and play a few instruments. That was just how we were raised though.

We were Hispanic and living in a bad neighborhood, but I suppose that Sebastian helped us to get into being so creative. It runs though our family though. My grand father was a Mariachi in Mexico and all of my uncles have a knack for music to, this is what inspired Sebastian. When he was a kid he started taking music classes at school. He played the violin for his first three years.

Then he convinced our mom to put Celia and me in ballet classes. We were taking ballet about two years and then we were old enough to take music classes to, so Sebastian had us sign up for that to. I played the flute and my sister also decided to take up the violin. We played up until high school when we decided to go into choir. At that time we were still taking ballet classes and every summer we would take a couple of music classes, one for our voice and another for our instruments of choice. I decided that I would take up the piano during summer and my sister decided that the guitar was more of her thing.

So here we are years later and Sebastian was on his way to becoming a great composer, Celia is a model and trying to form a band, and me I write freelance articles, am a wedding ‘coordinator’ assistant, and studying to become a couples therapist. My wage doesn’t really call for me living in the nice place that I live in but Ayden makes good money and Celia gives me an allowance. She knows that I’m responsible and I won’t waste a thousand dollars on a dress. Sebastian and Celia take care of our parents. They bought them a nice house in a good area of L.A. and let them retire.

Back to my day. I got up and decided that I should take a shower. I got out the clothes that I would wear today and decided that I needed retail therapy. Hell I work hard for my pay check might as well use it right? Right I thought and went into the bathroom to turn on the water. I started blasting my ipod on shuffle and undressed in front of the mirror. I was getting a bit chubby and I needed that to stop soon. The funny thing was that I looked happy and glowing after my sex dreams. I dreaded that glow.

I got into the warm shower and decided to distract myself for a bit so I sang along with my ipod and tried to chase the thoughts away. A song came on in Spanish from when I was a kid and it lead me to think about my childhood. I mean granted no ones life is perfect to say the least. I had it hard as a kid even though now as an almost adult it isn’t that hard anymore.

I was thinking about the story of our names. See my mother was a big reader. When Sebastian was born she had been reading ‘Twelfth Night’ by William Shakespeare. When she found out she was pregnant she decided on the name Celia from ‘As You Like It’ also by William Shakespeare and then she found out that she was having twins and decided that I would be Catherine like Katherine in ‘Taming of the Shrew’ by William Shakespeare.

By the time that the song finished I couldn’t avoid the thought of my past anymore. I started washing my hair and thinking about all of my little kid crushes. I thought about all of the boys that I didn’t kiss and the few that I had. I contemplated how they had all changed me in one way or another. I mainly let my thoughts wonder to the last three or so, which would be David, Jason, and Ayden. They were so different.

David was a complete controlling a*s hole. I was more like his kid than his girl friend and I know that Celia feels responsible for that whole relationship. She was dating John at the time. Celia thought that she was in love but in all actuality Celia is just in love with being in love. But back then she thought that the sun shined with John who was gothic and sweet. I don’t think I would have listened to her even if she had said something. David was and is something that is completely not worth dwelling on.

Then there is Jason. He was sweet, considerate, and completely cute, to me at least. He was smart and didn’t flaunt it. Jason was sarcastic and perfect with me for a while. Then he decided that he didn’t want to be that for me so he just turned into a complete a*s hole. It sucked pretty bad. Celia doesn’t know that I still have feelings for him though. She at least has never heard me say it so she is hoping for the best. To be honest the only one that knows is Landon and that is because he never got over Duncan.

Lastly there is Ayden. Everyone loves him because he is what you know is perfect. He doesn’t think so but everyone else does. I mean he’s romantic, poetic, and considerate. I should want him more than anything, but I don’t. I never do what I should do. I never have and I NEVER learn my lesson. Then again here I am living with Ayden in a two bedroom apartment that he basically pays for on his own and supports my dumb a*s.

I turned off the water and got out. It was too much for me to be there basically alone with my thoughts. I got dressed and did my make-up. I decided I would call Celia since Riley was most likely still with the rich boy friend. I called Celia and told her to meet me for lunch. That was it I was going to be honest and tell her about the dreams. I mean someone had to know about these two weeks and who better than my twin.

I got into my car and drove to a small place close to her place so that we could have lunch. When I got there she still wasn’t there yet and then it happened. I saw David with this cute little red head. It struck something inside of me and it wasn’t jealousy. He looked uglier than ever. His hair was slicked back and it looked like he wanted to be a yuppie. It sickened me to the core and then he saw me. His eyes were fixed on me and the little red head just scowled at how he had stopped dead in his tracks.

The sick thing was that I recognized her. It was his sister Clara. In a frantic thought I got up and decided I would call Celia and tell her to meet me somewhere else. But she had just shown up which made him start walking the other way.

“S**t. Celia did you recognize them?” I said still in a state of shock.

“Hi nice seeing you to.” She said sarcastically.

“Sorry. Hi Celia I missed you. How have you been? How are things with Conner? Oh and did you see who that was?” I said just wanting her off my case.

“I’ve been great actually, Conner is still my soul mate, and no I didn’t see whoever you are talking about.” She said looking around now to see what I was talking about.

“I’m glad to see that everything is great but Celia I just saw something sick.” I said waiting to see if I had her attention yet.

“What did you see?” She said puzzled at my exaggeration.

“David and his sister…” I said pausing and reliving the moment and then I realized it. The reason why he had caught my attention was because they were all over each other. He had his arm around her to the point that his hand was on her breast, and they had kissed, full on lip lock with tongues.

“What about them? Do you want to leave?” She said staring at me curiously.

“They are a couple… Like together!” I said. I stared at her for a reaction.

“What are you talking about Cat? This is getting strange.” She said turning to the menu.

“Ce I mean it. He had his hand on her b**b and his tongue down her throat.” I said staring at her for a reaction.

“You’re kidding me right? Ugh… Stop or your going to make me throw up… ugh there it goes I just threw up a little in my mouth. Thank you Cat.” She said sarcastically and stared at me.

“I’m serious. Now I really need some retail therapy.” I said.

“That reminds me what happened? Why did you call me sounding all strange?” Celia said after we had ordered.

“Ce it’s complicated but before let me just say don’t judge me.” I said knowing what she would say.

“Okay you got it no judgment.” She said with a smile.

“Okay well I have been having these sex dreams…” I said blushing.

“Sex dreams are completely normal you told me that when I went through this phase to remember?” Celia said.

“The problem isn’t exactly the dream but who the dream involves…” I paused as the waiter came and gave us our salads. “I’ve been dreaming about Jason.” I said and started picking at my salad. She stopped and just stared at me for a bit.

“You mean three years later you still have a thing for this guy? Seriously? I knew it you f*****g liar.” She said and then dug her fork into a piece of lettuce.

“What the f**k Ce? I couldn’t help it! It’s something that I can’t control.” I said and took a bite out of the bread on the table.

“What? Cat… What are you going to do about Melissa’s wedding?” She said eyeing me carefully.

“I have no idea. Ayden leaves tonight you know?” I said.

“Yeah well I would go but you remember what happened the last time I saw her… how is her eye anyway?” Celia asked sarcastic. The last time that she had been in the same room with Melissa it turned into a fight were Celia punched her in the face which turned out to be Melissa’s eye.

“Her eye is fine… thanks for asking. Ce I’m fucked!” I said and took a bite out of another piece of bread.

“Okay first off if you keep eating that bread your going to get fat and then no one will want you honey and second of all you are not only fucked you are fucked up the a*s!” She said and went on eating.

“Thanks that helps a lot Ce.” I said and started drinking my water.

“Luckily for you the wedding is tomorrow right?” She said and then she shoved a cucumber into her mouth.

“Yes it is. Ugh… I can’t even look cute in my own way because I’m a bride’s maid.” I said.

“Yeah but we could still make you look cute. Want me to sleep over tonight and help you get ready for tomorrow?” She asked sincerely.

“Yes if you could.” I said smiling.

“No problem.” She said and that was the end of that conversation. We finished eating and decided to go shopping closer to my place. I bought an obscene amount of music, a few shoes, make up, and cheap jewelry. When we finally finished we picked up food and told Conner to meet us back at my place.

When we showed up Ayden was already there and showered. Celia and I walked in and she made small talk with him while I offered everyone something to drink. A few minutes later Conner showed up.

Conner was a nice guy, an aspiring musician and poet. He was chronically depressed, pail, and dorky which was perfect for Celia. Even though for two people who spent their lives depressed they sure seemed happy making fun of everyone which was about ninety-nine percent of their lives.

“So what did you ladies buy for dinner?” Conner asked as he kissed Celia hello.

“Well baby we brought back something semi healthy because we don’t want to get fat so it’s sushi all around.” Celia said as she walked to the kitchen to help me grab plates and utensils.

“Okay so everyone dig in.” I said as I placed everything on the table. We sat there making fun of everyone and exchanging embarrassing stories for a couple of hours, and then Ayden had to go to the airport. The four of us hoped in my car and drove there. Ayden was the one who decided to drive there and then I would take the wheel and go back home so Conner could go home to.

We got there and everyone told Ayden good bye. I think this was hardest for me. I stood there and had Celia hug him and tell him the typical cliché ‘you better take care… yata, yata…” and then Conner did the same thing. I just stood there staring at them as they did this. Then it was my turn.

“I love you babe. Be careful and call me when you get in okay?” I said hugging him as hard as I could.

“I love you to and I will.” Ayden said as he hugged me back.

“And no cheating on me mister!” I said as I finally let go. I could feel the knot in my throat. My eyes were starting to sting from me trying to hold back the tears.

“I won’t… Awe babe don’t cry please? I’ll be back I swear… and I’ll bring you stuff and maybe next time you could come with me.” He said which sent me over the edge and made me cry.

“Okay… Let’s go water works.” Celia said and Conner laughed. I turned and gave her a dirty look and then completely let go of Ayden.

“Okay well I love you Ayden.” I said.

“I love you to, call me after the wedding tomorrow, I’m going to be staying in a hotel so don’t worry about waking anyone up okay?” He said and kissed me.

“Okay. Bye…” I said.

“Bye.” He said and walked away. Once he was out of sight Celia decided to start talking.

“You’re such a b***h… One minute you’re here crying about Ayden but tomorrow you’re going to try and impress Jason.” She said as she hopped into the cars passenger seat.

“You know what Ce… just drop it. You can either help me or go home with Conner. It’s your choice.” I said as I got stuck in the traffic.

“Fine… but you know I’m right.” Celia said and that was the end of that.

 

I started drinking when we got home. I was 21 and I needed to be inebriated for the conversations that Celia and I had. I knew it was coming the conversation about Jason. It was only a matter of when it would be brought up and who brought it up. I understood that it was a s****y thing to be living off of Ayden the way I was but I really did love him, I really did love the life we lead together; it was just that whenever Jason was brought up I died a little inside still.

“So… Cat you know we are going to have to talk about this… so how about we start off at the dreams?” Celia said breaking our awkward drinking silence.

“Well… okay this is what happened… I’ve been dreaming about the wedding for the past two weeks… ever since I went back to see Melissa and she told me that it was a sure thing. I mean I had gotten the invite but then again I had gotten the other two and that never happened so I decided to just check in with her…” I said stopping to take another shot.

“Okay… go on… wait! Before you go on let me just say that she is a s****y b***h. Melissa is a S****Y b***h… okay now you can continue.” She said and took a drink of her wine.

“Okay… so I asked her who was going… and she said ‘well everyone from high school duh!’ and then I cringed. She then said ‘Yes even him… I don’t see why you just don’t put everything aside for one. I mean he still loves you, you know?’ and she giggled. I blushed and she just asked me how Ayden and I were doing and if he would be attending or not.” I said and then stopped to take another drink.

“So then I told her that he couldn’t make it because of the trip to Spain and so on. When I finally got home Ayden wasn’t here, so I sat there at the computer and blasted music that I had listened to in high school and it all reminded me of Jason. So that night after Ayden and I had sex it happened.” I said and cleared my throat.

“I dreamt that we were at the beach and that he took me right there in the sand, and just as it was getting good I woke myself up. I felt so guilty. I mean here I was lying down next to Ayden and I’m having dreams about Jason.” I said and looked down. It was time for me to stop drinking. The room had begun to spin a bit so I laid down on the couch.

“Does he at least sweet talk you into bed?” Celia said and giggled. I could tell that the second bottle of wine was finally starting to hit her.

“Not in all of them Ce. In most of them he does but in a couple I just let him take me by the hand and pull me away into a different place and let myself go at it. In one dream we were still in the church! We had sex in a CHURCH Ce! A CHURCH! Then in one we had stayed until no one was there and we had sex on a table…” I said and stood up so I could look at her.

“That sounds… Hot… extremely hot!” Celia said and took the last drink of the second bottle.

“Okay that is enough for us Ce… I think we should go to bed… You cleaned me out of everything except the hard liquor and we’re not trying that out tonight.” I said and stood up. I took her by the hand to the guest room.

“Well Cat let me just tell you this… I love you and I don’t want to see you hurt so just follow your heart… as cheesy as it sounds you should try it.” Celia said.

“Thanks Ce.” I said and hugged her. When I let go I went into my room and looked through my clothes to find her some comfortable pajamas. I walked back in with some black pajamas and threw them playfully at her head.

“There you go Ce.” I said and started to walk out the door.

“Wait! Cat…” Celia said and I turned around.

“What?” I said looking confused.

“Cat… If he makes you happier than you are with Ayden then go with him… I know that your smart enough to make the right choice between the two… you were always really logical Cat.” She said and smiled. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or her talking but I didn’t care, I liked hearing it. I smiled and laughed a bit.

“Thank you Ce. Now get some rest.” I said and turned around again.

“Your welcome. Night Cat.” She said as I walked out of the room.