The Conversation After

And so it begins

 

“What do you want? Seriously this is what you wanted isn’t it? You wanted me with someone else and now you’re complaining? God, I hate you!” I said staring at him. His brown eyes seeming darker now, his hair still in his face. I could see how much this was taking out of him. I hated it so much.

“I wanted you, I wanted us! You don’t hate me, If you did then you wouldn’t be here arguing with me, you still love me I know it Cathy.” He said fire burning in his eyes now.

“You have no right to be saying this NOW! When I wanted to be with you, you completely ignored me. YOU didn’t even want to my friend! You selfish a*s hole!” I said. I was furious, Jason and I had broken up months ago and he hadn’t talked to me in those months either. Not until I showed up here at the wedding without a certain date that I should have had. It was getting late now, the sun was setting and he had asked me if we could go on a walk. We started walking and ended up here in this conversation. Him finally wanting me back and me doing my damnedest to say no.

“F**k Cathy I love you! I always have. I told you I would wait and I will wait but I want you to know that I am waiting, that right now all I want to do is kiss you, that all I have wanted to do since I laid eyes on you was kiss you! I f*****g hate him. I hate the fact that he has you now. I hate the fact that I know that you don’t want me anymore and that I was the one who blew it.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore. I was about to cry at the mere mention of him loving me. I had waited to hear that for so long and now here it was staring me in the face and I didn’t know what to do with it.

“I can’t Jason. You know I can’t do this to him. When we ended I wanted it back, and I pined my life away for MONTHS! I cried and felt that hole at the pit of my stomach and now you decide all of a sudden that you love me again? That you can love me and that now is the time that you want to start this. Now that we are here at the wedding? F**k you Jason. I won’t hurt him not again and not with you.” I turned to walk away and he grabbed my arm.

            “Catherine if there is one thing that I have learned from you in the time that I have known you it’s that there is always hope and that you always have to try.” He said staring into my eyes. I tried to pull away but he pulled me in closer. I tried to keep my cool but he did it. He went in for the kiss and I let him. I kissed him back.

I stopped myself mid kiss. “Wait what the hell am I doing? I can’t. Not here. Not like this Jason.” I was looking at him as my mind raced from one thought to another.

“Come on Cathy, what is there to think about huh? He isn’t here and no one will know.” He said and that is when I snapped.

“What do you mean? Do you want a relationship with me? You seriously can’t think that I am just going to sleep with you and then we are going our own way do you? Because if you do think that then let me just tell you that” Then he kissed me again this time deeper, harder and with more meaning. I wanted to pull away I really did. The idea of hurting someone who loved me like this killed me but I couldn’t pull away. I was stuck in this moment that I had wanted for so long. We kissed on the sand for what seemed like only minutes and then I heard him.

“Cathy? I can’t… F**k this!” It was my boy friend Ayden. I looked at him stuck there under Jason. I was frozen, stiffer than a corpse.

“I can explain Ayden, just hear me out please?” I said struggling to get out of under Jason. When I finally did he was long gone and I could hear Jason calling my name in the distant background.

“Catherine, just let him go! He was never good for you; he will never be good for you!” Jason said his eyes intense again.

“I just have one thing to say to you Jason… F**k you! You had to ruin the one thing that I finally had going for me! Can’t you just let me be happy for once? Ever since you and I got together it was a constant battle with you! First you didn’t think you were good enough so you made my life hell about it, then you decided that you were too good for me and didn’t talk to me! Now that I have something again do you really have to do this to me?” I said the tears burning as I started walking away from my past.

“Catherine!” Jason said and got a hold of my hand.

“Cathy… if I thought he could make you happy… I would leave you alone with him… but I know you’re not happy… I mean look at you… You’re beautiful, and smart, and interesting, and I spent all of this time looking for someone who could be somewhat like you and I haven’t… Staring into your eyes right now I can tell that you are the one Cathy… You’re the one for me.” He said. I could tell that he was dead serious which made me cry even worse.

“I’m sorry… I can’t.” I said and started to walk away. I felt him walking behind me for a while and then he just stopped.

“Cathy! One day you’re going to realize that I was the one for you… And when that day comes… I’m… I’m not going to be here anymore, because I am not your pet. I mean here I am willing to take you even with all of this Ayden s**t and you’re walking away from me again. I know that the first time you walked out on me it was for him. You never could choose could you? Fine Cathy, but I know you! I understand you! I get you the way that he never could and never will be able to!” Jason was yelling behind of me and at his last accusation I stopped dead in my tracks. He came walking behind of me. I let him turn me around.

“I’m right aren’t I Cathy? That’s why you stopped. You know I’m right. You’ve felt this way since we met. I know it I can see it in those massively, beautiful brown eyes of yours.” Jason said as I looked down.

“I hate you Jason. I truly hate you. I hate the way you look at me. I hate it when you don’t look at me. I hate the way that you know me better than anyone who has ever met me. I hate the fact that you’ve always had this hold over me. I hate this and you know it. I hate the fact that I went MONTHS thinking I was the problem. I hate the fact that when I felt your life continued while mine was stopped dead in its tracks. I hate the fact that I just hurt someone who loves me for someone who could never appreciate me. I hate the fact that I couldn’t stop looking your way when I saw you. I hate the fact that when you started walking towards me I felt light headed. I hate the fact that you’re such an a*s hole. I just… I hate this… I hate the fact that I would have given my world to you without question if you would have asked and you just threw that away. I… I can’t stand… I can’t stand you or the idea of you… the idea of you…” I said looking up into his eyes.

“The idea of what Cathy?” He said still holding on to my hand tightly.

“The idea of you… with anyone else but… but me.” I said looking at him and then shifting my gaze to the left side of me. The ocean looked beautiful and it was beginning to get colder. It was a wedding on the beach in December so it was already cold and in a dress it was even colder.

“Cathy… I love you… please give me another chance. I know you hate me. You have every right to hate me, but you still love me… I know you do, but see I love the fact that YOU have always had a hold over me, that every time that someone would utter your name I couldn’t help but smile, I love the way that I can tell what your thinking by just looking at you, I love the way that I know I have some strange over you, but I also love the way that you still haven’t noticed that I am the same way over you, I love the fact that you thought about me for months, I do however hate myself for making you think you were the problem when really it was me and it killed me to know you were hurting, I love the fact that I had a big impact in your life and my life didn’t continue, everything I thought about and was involved with made me think about you, I love you for even taking a chance on me again and I’m so sorry that you had to hurt someone in the process but did you notice that you never said that you loved him? I hate myself for not being there but I’m here now. I love the fact that when I would look at you, you would instantly blush and smile at whoever you would be talking to at the moment, I love the fact that you looked so happy when I started walking towards you, I love the fact that you’re an a*s hole with me, I love the fact that you have that kind of trust in me to give me your very world because I would do the same for you, And I didn’t just throw it away, I tried to give it back because I realized I was just one big problem. As for me… my heart only belongs to one person and that person is you Catherine Moore.”

I stared at him for a while not knowing what to say. It was perfect in all sorts of ways, but could I do this again? Could I let him into my life again and let him turn my world completely upside down again? I mean last time that he had done this I ended up heart broken and alone. What made me think that this time would be any different? I looked away yet again and he sat down on the sand facing the water. I sat down next to him.

“God damn Jason… what makes me think that I won’t be left with nothing again huh? All of these promises mean nothing because as long as I’ve known you all I’ve known you to do is to play mind games with people… and those people include me. I know that last time I was just a trophy to you.” I said looking down at the sand next to me and picking up a bit with my hand and letting the slight wind carry it away.

“Look… I know that I haven’t been the best person on Earth… I’m the first to say I’m a d****e…” He looked and me and brought his hand to my chin to turn my head softly in his direction. “But Cathy… you’re the only person I know who can make me smile this was or make my heart race or…” He started moving in closer to me and began whispering. “Or kiss me like this.” Once he said this he leaned in for this kiss and I felt completely helpless.

I finally snapped into my senses about a minute into the kiss. What was I doing? This is what I wanted back in high school not now, but this felt perfect. This feeling is what I wanted when I was in high school. I wanted this moment. This sunset with the waves in the back ground and this guy who could melt my heart at a simple sentence, but how could I do this again? I felt as though I was still hurting from my last guest appearance in his life. Is this what I really wanted? Did I really want someone who I didn’t know if I could depend on for all time while I knew that right now someone was hurting because of this? I didn’t want to do this, but I couldn’t pull away from this.

He finally pulled away. “So what do you say Cathy? Will you give me another chance?” Jason spoke. His eyes were pleading with me more than his voice or words ever could. I stared at him and began getting myself up. His eyes followed my every movement begging to know the answer to his question. I didn’t have the heart to say a word to him so I did the next best thing. I extended my arm to him and asked him to go back to the reception with me.

“I’d love to Cathy.” Jason spoke knowing he wouldn’t get the answer today but loving the fact that I didn’t walk away the way he honestly thought I would, the way I honestly should have. We walked back to the reception my arm intertwined between his. They were playing some classic love song that I loved as a kid. As I started to walk back to my table to sit down he got a hold of my hand and stopped me.

“Would you like to dance Catherine?” Jason had a big grin on his face which made me blush and giggle a bit. “Is that a yes?” He said his eyes big and hopeful.

“That would be… great.” I said not being able to hide the big smile on my face.

“Great.” He said and brought me to the dance floor. As he held me close to his body I was lost in his warmth and the music. I felt as though there was nowhere I would rather be than here in this moment of time. Suddenly I felt a tug and saw who it was.

“What is the big idea Byron?” I said turning to the best friend that I had brought to the wedding.

“Can I talk to you for a second Cat?” Byron said tugging me away causing a bit of a scene. He pulled me all the way to the other side of the beach and then finally stopped. “What the F**K do you think your doing Cathy?” Byron said so pissed off I was a little scared to tell him everything that had happened, so I did what I usually did.

“What the f**k? Didn’t you find one of the bride’s sluttish friends to suck you off yet Byron or what?” I said not wanting him to know that he had the upper hand.

“No and Cat don’t start acting like a b***h. You brought me here so that you wouldn’t do EXACTLY what you were doing in there with that d********g.” He said. Byron had become good friends with Ayden and was well aware of the whole story since he had to here me b***h about it for a few months.

“Look Byron Don’t F*****g Judge Me Okay? I’m going to go back in there and dance INNOCENTLY with Jason and if you don’t like it go home! I can ask Jason for a ride home.” I began walking away and he got a hold of my arm again.

“Cat you’re going to regret this… but fine you want to f**k around with peoples lives then go right ahead. F**k you to Cat.” Byron said and let go of me. He turned around and started to walk towards my car.

“Wait… Byron!” I said and ran up to him. “Don’t forget my keys… and Byron… I won’t do anything stupid… I promise… I’ll call you in the morning okay?” I said hoping that he could calm down enough to agree and actually leave me on a good note.

“Yeah fine whatever Cat.” Byron said as he snatched the keys away from me and kept walking.

I walked back to the reception where Jason sat with all of his buddies. He stood up and walked over to me in a typical Jason manner. I had never met anyone else who would leave a group of people just to come up to me and ask me what was wrong. Either I just choose the wrong type of guys or this guy was just nice… when he wanted to be.

“Everything okay Cathy? I mean that was… a little crazy to say the least” He looked genuinely concerned.

“Don’t worry about it… I’m fine and everything is just great. He just wanted to go home so I gave him the keys to my car and let him go. So I was wondering if later you might want to give me a ride home… If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.” I said smiling at him.

“That sounds great. I’d love to give you a ride home.” He said and put out his hand again. “Now… where were we?” He grinned. I got his hand and went back to dancing. The night was getting colder now. The sound of the water was getting louder. The little lights shined bright against the darkness that surrounded them. It all looked so perfect. It all felt so perfect. His hand on my lower back. My hands resting on his shoulders. The way his cologne smelled. The way I would look up at him and he would just smile at me. It felt like heaven on Earth for me. The minutes passed by like seconds. I was scared that it would all stop or finish too soon. It was beginning to get late when he asked me if I would like him to take me home yet.

“That sounds like a good idea. Tomorrow I have to go and visit a few friends, maybe spend the day with my sister Celia I’ll decide that tomorrow.” I said to him and we started walking to his car.  As we walked past familiar faces I saw how everyone began talking and making faces about us leaving together. In all fairness they were right. I mean here I am at a wedding were the groom is my boy friends best friend and I am leaving with an ex boy friend after I had showed up with some other guy. Yeah I looked like a s**t, but how else am I supposed to get home?

“Jason… I don’t like how people are looking at us… maybe I should catch a ride with someone else.” I said looking worried.

“You haven’t changed all that much have you Cathy?” He said and laughed. “What do we care what they say. It’s not like anything is going to happen between us right?” He looked at me with a mischievous stare.

“Exactly.” I said looking even more worried. He laughed again.

“Okay if you say so… damn…” he said and laughed. “I was hoping that I would get laid… I guess your walking home then.” I gasped and looked at him. He started laughing harder. “I’m just joking geez.”  

“Not very funny.” I said with a grin. We walked to his car and he opened my door for me like a gentleman. I noticed that everything seemed very clean and then I heard a tap on his window. “Oh… Sorry I had forgotten about that” I said as I reached over to unlock his door. As we were driving to my house he stopped at a park that we used to go to when we dated.

“What are you doing?” I asked stunned at where we were.

“We are going to do what I should have done way back when you and I were together.” He said. I started getting scared I sure as hell wasn’t going to have sex in this car or in a park. The thought about having sex with him being the problem didn’t cross my mine though.

“I don’t think we should Jason.” I said getting worried. Maybe he wasn’t who I thought he was and I would have to take off my heels and run all the way home.

“Why not Cathy? Scared?” He said almost daring me.

“That didn’t work back then why should it work now?” I said with a grin. He got out of the car and went around to the passenger’s side, and then opened my door.

“Very true… Now come on.” He said and took my hand.

“What? Where? What are you talking about Jason?” I said still wondering if he was really talking about sex. Then hand in hand we went to his trunk and opened it. When I looked inside I started laughing. He couldn’t be serious or actually remember this could he?

“You’re not serious are you?” I asked still laughing.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Scared?” He said smiling at his dare that came around the second time.

“No I’m not scared. I just… I’m wearing heels I can’t.” I said looking for an excuse to wimp out.

“I know you have your chucks in that purse of yours I saw you take them off for the ceremony so don’t look for an excuse.” He said and I knew I was caught and I would have to go through with it.

“Fine you win. I’ll skate.” I said with a grin. “BUT same rules apply as that day.” I said determined.

“Which are?” He said puzzled.

“You can’t laugh at me if I fall and I expect that you won’t let me fall.” I said almost daring him to not let go of me.

“That’s true I had forgotten about that. Sure you got it I won’t let go…” He stopped and looked into my eyes meaning what he just said in a deeper way. I couldn’t help but blush.

“Fine come on lets do this.” I said and grabbed his hand as I started walking to the place that I had tried this before. When we had first gotten together he tried to teach me how to skate on his skateboard which didn’t really work out because I have bad balance.

“Okay so… do you remember how to put your feet on the board?” He asked as he put his hands around my waist and left his chin rest on my shoulder so he could whisper into my ear.

“Um… yeah I think so… You… um… You do it like this right?” I said as I got on the skateboard. He now just had his hands on my hips. They felt warm while the night was only getting colder.

“S**t!” I said as I almost fell off. He caught me just in time. I was face to face with him. As he was about to go in for the kiss I turned my head. “Jason… I’m kind of cold.” I said hoping that, that would stop the moment.

“Um I have a hoodie in the car?” He said.

“Yeah that sounds great… thank you.” I said as we walked back to his car. I put it on and started walking along the park. “Do you ever just stop and look at the stars. I mean there are so many and they look so beautiful. I love it.” I said gazing up at the sky. He stood next to me gazing at the stars and then turned to me.

“I still have that drawing that you did in the sketch book. I never had the heart to do anything to it. I always thought that we might have another chance with each other so I kept it.” He said and I turned to him stunned.

“You did… wow… I don’t know what to say.” I said and just stared at him. “I’m amazed… I figured that you would have chucked all of it.” I said turning to sit down on a bench that was near by.

“I was going to. I sat there for days after our last honest conversation and didn’t even want to know where it was. Then that day that I saw you with your mom… I went home and looked for it. I wanted to see what I had thought was so interesting about it back then…” He said and just stopped.

“And what did you discover?” I asked puzzled.

“It was just that you had done it. Everything still seemed so perfect to me. I don’t know how to describe it… It was just the sole fact that I had given you this task to draw something and then you drew something that I loved almost as much as I loved you.” He said and stared up at the sky.

“Which was?” I asked intrigued by our conversation.

“The night.” He said and turned to me. He put his arms around me and moved closer to me. I cuddled with him for a while and then when I looked at him he kissed me again. I didn’t want to fight it anymore. I was so happy being there why would I want to be anywhere else? After he kissed me I hid my face against his shoulder. I didn’t want him to see me blushing or that huge smile on my face. He started laughing.

“I didn’t know that you still did that. It’s cute.” He said. This made me blush even more but I started laughing. We kissed again. We kept kissing for a while until he pulled away.

“Stop me if this sounds rude or feel free to say no… but… come over.” He said and grinned. He used to say that all the time when we dated. We’d be on the phone talking and then when I would say that I was bored he would tell me to come over. I stopped and looked at him.

“I would love to.” I said. I didn’t want to think about anything, I just wanted to do this and enjoy whatever moment I had with him.

“Really?” He asked a bit stunned but with a big smile on his face.

“Don’t make me think twice huh?” I said. I got up and extended my hand to him. “You coming?” I said when he just stared at me.

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He said.

We walked to the car and once we got there I pinned him against the door and kissed him hard. He moved me so that now I was the one pressed against the door. He pressed his body against mine and let his hands roam from my waist to my lower back into the sweater and then around all of my back.

“We should get going.” I said pulling myself away. We got into the car and he drove to his place. He got out of the car and opened my door again.

“Where is your family?” I said as he got me by the hand to lead me around back.

“Oh they are all awake and inside most likely.” He said and grinned.

“You’re lying right?” I said as I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Of course I’m lying. They are away on a family trip and won’t be back until the day after tomorrow.” He said and continued walking. I began looking around. It all looked like it had back then. We walked in the kitchen which looked as though they might have painted the walls but other than that everything was the same. We walked into his room that still had the full size mirrors that I loved back then. He brought me in and closed the door. Once he closed it he pinned me against it and began kissing me again.

We kissed at the door for a while and then he picked me up and laid me on his bed. We kissed for a while and then he stopped.

“Cathy… do you believe in love at first sight?” He said with a smile. All I could do was smile. He rolled me over so that I was on top of him as he sat down. He took the sweater off of me first. I kicked off my shoes. I started to unbutton his shirt. I was getting hotter by the touch and kiss. He stopped kissing me and looked at me straight in the eyes.

“I promise I’ll never let you go.” He said and it was like that was all I needed to hear because we started kissing harder. I lifted off his second shirt and kissed his neck, shoulders; I pushed him down and began kissing down his stomach only this I did slower. I teased him with my hands and mouth. I undid his belt while I kissed him and then started undoing his pants.

“Cathy… are you… are you sure about this?” He said stopping me a bit.

“Yes why wouldn’t I be?” I said looking up at him.

“I don’t know I was just making sure that’s all.” He said starting to sound nervous. I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Wait a minute… are you… still… a… a… a virgin?” I asked stunned at my accusation. He blushed and stayed silent. “Oh my god I’m so sorry to just ask that, look really if you don’t want to then it’s fine with me, I mean… I don’t know… Do you want to do this?” I asked worried about his answer and noticing that I still had my dress on, completely had my dress on.

“Yes I’m sure it’s just…” He stopped and turned his face away. At this point it was crimson.

“Nervous?” I asked. He nodded a bit not looking me in the eyes. “Look we can take this slow and just do this until we both get this right okay? I mean I have been out of the game since… well… since… that guy.” I said rolling over so that I could sit down next to him.

“You mean David right?” He asked sitting up.

“Yeah… I mean David.” I said. David was still the only person who could turn a good thing into an awful thing for me. See David has been abusive. I mean he never hit me or anything but he had done worse to me in my opinion, he had raped me and then played with my self esteem which I find worse. My relationship with David was the one that lasted the longest and it was still being brought up now two years later.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything Cathy.” He said starting to look concerned.

“It’s okay don’t worry about it, I’m over it.” I said and kissed him on the lips. What I thought would be a short kiss to reassure him turned into a long kiss that grew. We started breathing heavier and he rolled on top of me again. He kissed down my neck to my bare shoulders. He started letting his hands glide on my waist. He found the zipper on the side in the process and pulled the zipper down. He started to slide off the short black dress. I rolled on top of him again and started taking off his pants. Once they were off he rolled back on top of me. He stopped for a minute and looked down at me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked feeling a little odd.

“Nothing, you’re still perfect.” He said. I smiled and he kissed me. We continued as I felt him take off my black lace trimmed bra. He kissed down my stomach until he reached my panties and then he pulled those down with his mouth as I giggled.

“You weren’t expecting that huh?” He asked with a proud look on his face.

“Shut up and kiss me.” I said. He kissed me and before I knew what was what I was feeling him at my thigh. His hands roamed all over my body and then just as he was about to penetrate, all I heard was… “BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!” It was my alarm. It had all just been a dream. There was no him and I. I wasn’t in his bed. In fact it was worse than that. I was in my bed that I shared with Ayden. I woke up flushed, and when I turned there was Ayden. It was the day before the wedding and I had been having dreams like that everyday of the last two weeks.

“S**t.” I said in a low voice as I got up. That was it. This wedding was going to be bad news. I just knew it.