He's haunting

I recently got back with an ex boy friend. It wasn't the one my heart had wished on. I can't get HIM out of my mind though.

I know that I bother.

I know that I should move on.

I realize that you have already done this.

You were always so great at closing yourself off.

I hate the fact that I can spot your face in a crowded room.

I hate the fact that when I come near you move away again.

I feel as though I was really never anything true to you, just some silly girl.

You were the one to break my heart this bad.

I know that I should have realized this earlier.

I know that I shouldn't think of little things that you did and said.

I know that I should think of you as my past.

You should know that I can't.

Is that why your doing this... for me?

Is that why your pushing me away?

Is that all that is wrong with this?

You wouldn't be that kind.

Is it something that I said?

Is it something that I did?

Is it just something that changed you this much?

You would never give up your secret to me or anyone who would tell me.

I was just some silly girl to pass the time.

I was a nice little crush you held.

I was just something that wasn't all that important to you.

You were my everything and I simply nothing, not even your nothing.

I was sitting with him today... didn't you know?

I was trying to step past my s****y past with you and move onto a clear future with him.

I was finding what I needed in someone else.

You know I wanted that from you... Is that why you move now?

I know things were said and done that didn't help.

I know that eventually you will realize that you had everything in me and miss me.

I know... no I hope that I am not lying to myself.

You seem so happy now, not honestly happy... but different.

I got to you didn't I?

I changed some little part of you didn't I?

I got to close and to far and ended up in the middle of nowhere didn't I?

You know that I'm lost now, you could always read my face and eyes.

I'm sitting here remembering and reminicising of the I love yous, I need yous, and all the little dirty words  that were said in between.

I'm thinking about that time that we laid in your bed entangled in between one another's arms and wondering what would have happened.

I'm wondering if we would have made love that warm afternoon or if you just knew I wasn't the one for you.

You didn't go through with it for a reason I suppose, not only the fact that you are a virgin but you held off because I was just someone.

I'm remembering the night you told me that I started off being a simple mess around and once you got to know me, love me, I became more than just a warm body.

I'm thinking about the day at the mall that I was freaking out in my head and you sat me down and we talked, we sat there and you knew to kiss me softly.

I wonder how you knew my weakness was located in your eyes, and your calm way of making me feel completely sane again.

You know I wasn't nothing to you I could read it in your eyes, that is why you back away, run away and just leave me, your not over me I just know it.

I'm denying the fact that at 2 a.m. you aren't telling me I should get some sleep so that you could see me tomorrow.

I'm not dealing with the fact that maybe you are over it because you found what I was lacking in someone else who is better than me.

I'm not accepting the fact that you might never miss me, need me, want me, or even love me again the way you once said you did and your eyes told me you did.

You know it could work, I know that you feel it to, that strong pull to be near to one another again, the feeling of need for what we have given each other, acceptance.

Is it one of them that you want? Those girls from the outside who don't want to know you the way that I do, the ones that don't smile at your thought.

Is it really someone else that you want? I'm going to be left with so many questions unanswered, left feeling unsatisfied.

Is it something that they have that you couldn't find within me? I know you loved me, I hope you loved me at least once within the time that you said it.

You didn't play me like a fool did you? Please tell me you didn't, that everything said was felt and genuine, that it was real and not just all in my mind.

I know I should be strong now and forget about the time that you said that a ring would be waiting for me on my first day back.

I know I should just move on and forget the boy who would say 'yay now I got myself a drunkie and a druggie' while I just laughed at his utter acceptance.

I know it should be easy for me to say no to the memory of us on their bed agreeing on how we should go back and not actually going back but kissing harder.

You still remember don't you? That day that I showed up and we just kissed at first and then as clothes got thrown to the ground you said I was perfect, you lier.

I know it isn't much but I loved the way you could make me laugh at little things and how I felt like a light headed school girl not caring.

I know it doesn't fix anything but I miss the way your arms felt around me when you would hug me or hold me tight wanting me not to go.

I know you really don't care but I want that feeling back, the one with butterflies when you gently move my hair back and laid your head on my shoulder.

You know you want to call or write every once in a while just to say hello or find something out about me and how I'm doing now that I am not there.

I feel it from my head to my toes that if you actually do some back your going to come back now that I have him to give me what you couldn't.

I know that when you actually do come back and sweet talk your way back into my life, heart, and mind your going to find out about it and not want to talk to me again.

I think I am making a mistake in not waiting and a mistake in waiting to long for a boy who says he made up his mind, how dare I rest so much on you and what you gave me, that little peace of mind.

You know you can't stay away to long, you never could, could you? That is why you always ended up by my side, but I don't want to be on and off I just want to be yours again.

I feel like I'm ranting about the good times like the time we basically ran all the way back so that I wouldn't get caught and get in trouble.

I know that I talk to much about memories like the time we were on the bus with the only guy who had ever hurt me so much and you didn't dare ask but just listened and played it cool.

I think that you wouldn't care to hear about how much I appreciated when we saw that movie and the dog had died that you didn't laugh or tease you just hugged and embraced.

You wouldn't say this but I will...

Thank you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I want you.

I feel lost without you.

I should have let you rot to death.

But I know I wouldn't have the heart.

No not to let you go.

I never could.

I never would.

Turn to me again one day.

I miss the way you made me high.

- S.J. Moore

 

Dedicated to B. Axel Cevallos

The first to make me love this much again.

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