A Sophisticated Green Derby

Chapter 4

The official was becoming more insecure as time went on. Paranoia began to consume his very existence. Always looking behind his back he decided, “I must find out what the people think of me, I shall disguise myself as a commoner, mingle with the subordinates and pick their brains about my popularity.” His first step was to go undercover. “AH,” he thought, “No one will recognize me once I rid myself of this silly clown nose!” Using a butter knife and a pair of channel locks he pried the red breathing apparatus from his face. He lost his sense of smell but he didn’t care for he was unrecognizable, so he thought. Unfortunately he was unaware that when he removed the nose his DNA began to regenerate his original blue snout.

The official embarked upon a local tavern where he met a man sitting at a bar stool. He could have sworn he saw the man before. “Don’t I know you?” inquired the official. “No sir.” replied the patron. “Good, I mean oh, uh I’m not from around here, so I don’t suppose you’d know me.” But the man did know him for he was once a cadet for the official 3 months prior. The official’s snout was also growing back at an alarming rate. The official started some small talk and said, “Who’s in charge of this sector?” The man responded, (knowing exactly who he was talking to) “That blowhard idiot official.” The official practically jumped from his bar stool but contained himself. “What’s so bad about this official?” He enquired. The man replied, “I think the main problem with that guy is he needs a woman in his life, some one to get his mind off government and enjoy life. To tell you the truth he’ll never get one because he has no style, no sense of fashion. The buffoon needs a make over. The official totally forgot about his job as a ruler and became more intrigued with having a lady companion. “Go on boy, get specific, what can I, I uh mean the official do to attract the opposite sex?” “First thing I’d tell him is get trendy, get what’s turning the women on right now.” The former cadet said. “What could that be? The official anxiously asked. “Right this week in Paris the craze is for men to wear a plastic green derby and carry a yellow umbrella.” The man blurted out as he turned trying not to let the official see him laugh. “Where can one get said derby?” the impatient official clamored? “Down at the party center, but they are selling like hot cakes. If I were the official I’d get down there before they sold out.” The retired cadet replied. “Something suddenly came up, I must go at once!” The official shouted.

Off to the party store he went. He busted through the doors and demanded, “Give me your finest plastic green derby! I need it at once before you sell out!” The puzzled clerk said, “Sure thing, here it is last one.” He said while knowing that they had a gross of them in the back room for a decade and a half. “I shall pay double the price for this exquisite derby, how much? The official queried. “Why just your luck this one is on sale for 200 dollars.” said the clerk. “I’ll be right back with 400 dollars then!” the excited official said. He ran back to the city coffers and took the money, leaving an IOU in its place.

After making the transaction he proudly walked through the center of town, chest out to there. No one paid any heed. Finally it dawned on him, “I forgot the yellow umbrella!” He embarked upon the local bartering shop and asked, “Have you got any yellow umbrellas my good man?” he eagerly asked the lad at the counter. “Gee, yellow umbrella. That would go great with your green little derby.” He replied sarcastically. “Best I can do is black,” said the clerk. Panicking, he came up with an alterative plan, “Give me the black umbrella.” After getting the umbrella he ran back to the department of roads and maintenance and got a can of yellow paint and spray painted the umbrella. Back to town he headed, this time on an elephant. For three hours he trotted up and down the streets hoping to catch the eye of a fair maiden he could call his own. Finally a woman came up to him. He dismounted his elephant and exclaimed, “Finally, the woman of my dreams, what is it you ask of your serving official?” The woman pondered for a moment and asked, “Where’d you get that yellow umbrella? The store only carries black.” The official furiously stomped on the umbrella and destroyed it. The woman shook her head and said, “Shame, I would have given you $50,000 for that umbrella.” Sheepishly the official said to the woman, “Lady, could you tell me why I can not get a female to look my way? Is my snout that atrocious? What is wrong with me?” The woman gave him a straight answer, “Green derbies and yellow umbrellas are so last month, and this month yellow derbies with green umbrellas are the coolest.” The official openly wept.

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