Liar, Liar, Hearts on Fire

 I wish you could’ve loved me as much as I loved you. I wish you knew how much and how long and how hard I cried when you left me. 

The messages I left you that night, I was drunk and I was crying, but you didn’t answer or pick up. You knew you had some explaining to do, but you didn’t think you owed me an explanation in the first place. You made me feel unworthy of even that. A simple explanation. Did you think it would hurt me to know the truth? I’m sure it would’ve but at least it would’ve saved me the pain of wondering and not feeling good enough for the truth. 

I’ve gradually fallen deeper into your mindset. I’ve stopped communicating with people who have problems of their own, people who want to help me too. I don’t want confrontation. I don’t want to know. The less I know the better. And for me now, I don’t want to give answers or reasons because I never got them from you. You found a way to hurt me, and you used it to your advantage. You used to string me along, then you tied me up and left me in a tangled mess. 

I tried to get out myself and I cried for help but no one came. So I went looking and even in the midst of my tangled mess found some unsuspecting heroes who still to this day, slowly unravel me back to my former self. Those heroes are my true friends. These are the people I feel truly free with, the ones who don’t try to capture me to their own advantage. They only bind with a love thats free not imprisoning. You captured me when you told me you loved me but you didn’t. You told me you were confused but you never properly ended things. You never ended it but you told me to let it go. You confused me so that you could use me again and emotionally manipulate me. You can say you didn’t mean it as much as you want but i’m sure there was a reason why you did it. And that reason why you did it, means more than I ever will. 

You know, I ached and I longed but now I have grown tired. I still love you, I still do but now it’s everyday and from a distance. A sort of lingering love, a question a “what if’.  But you never can love me enough to answer that. You never will, you never did. I was just too blind to see it at the time.

So now I am so tired of caring and wondering and waiting. I was so kind, I was so patient and you made me wait. You told me you needed time and space. You told me you were confused. But you never told me that she was the reason why. And I still waited. That made me feel stupid. You made me feel stupid for believing you. 

I wish I knew how you felt from the very start. I just wish I wasn’t left thinking that the answer was her. That I was just something you needed for a breath in time, something that perhaps reminded you of her or something that helped you to forget her completely. 

I feel used. I don’t know if you cheated, I don’t know if you even told your friends we were in a relationship. But I guess in the end you lied. Because I told you I loved you and you said it back. But the difference was you didn’t mean it. I spoke the truth but I will never have yours. And that is something I have come to accept. I fell in love with a liar.