The gray whale

A very hard story. Need good friends to give us reason to be alive.

                   
                      The gray whale
                      
                           (For leona. A missed friend.)

 


 


 








 Empty bottles of tequila and whiskey sitting on the floor. Unshaven man stared at a empty walls. He is sitting at a small table. On the table a 30/30 rifle lays next to the half empty bottle of tequila. The box of shells lay near on a shelf in reach.
  The man wrote in a journal.
"Promises made and broken.
Left forgotten in a shallow grave.
Waiting to rise up and choke the life out
of the remaining dreams."

The man went to the bathroom. He looked into the mirror. He told the reflection in the mirror to f**k off. He goes back to the 30/30 and begins to clean her for the thousandth time. A whisper appear in his head. "Life is sweet. Death is sweet. Life is s**t." He reached for one shell. He loaded the shell into the chamber. He wondered would anyone give a s**t if he was dead?

He heard a gentle knock at the door. He tried not to pay attention to the knocking. The knocking become louder.  He heard a voice. It is Leona. He gets up and goes to the door and open it. Leona hugged him. Asked him was he OK? She told him. "I had a dream you were dead." She walked into the apartment. She walked into the kitchen. She saw the bottle of tequila and whiskey bottles lined up like soldiers on the floor. She saw the 30/30 on the kitchen table. With tears falling from her eyes. She asked him."What the f**k are you thinking? Why is the rifle on the table? He answered "F**k off. Nothing is wrong".

She took the 30/30 off the table. She unloaded the one round. She is crying. She yelled at him. "You have a loaded 30/30 on the table. A half empty bottle of tequila. You never leave the house except for work and you greet me with a f**k off."

Leona called her work. Requested two weeks off. She called John's work and request two weeks off. She told them. A family problem. Need two weeks to sort out. He sat and watched her. He told her."Suicide is easy. Life is hard. If you chose death too soon. May miss the one sweet kiss. One more chance to see something beautiful." Leona wrapped her arms around him. Kissed his face. She asked. "What the f**k are you saying?" She took his hand and brought him to the bed. She held him like a baby.  Fearing he would leave her forever. They lay together in silence.

In the morning. Leona told him. "Time to go. You promise me to be able to see a whale traveling to Mexico. You promise to buy me a Irish coffee in Monterey."
The long drive was too quiet. He looked out the window. She held his hand tightly. She did a silence prayer of hope and a good ending.

She asked him. "Remember when you described seeing the whale traveling to Mexico. You told me you could almost touch the whale? He whispered. "Keep going west. Death don't like the feel of the mystic desert and the  breeze of the sea."

Leona told him. "Almost to Fort Ord. You promise me a strong Irish coffee on the pier. You told me we would dance and drink at the beach." He smiles and told her. "You remembered all my crazy promises. They seem so far away. Why do you want to be with a dead man?"

She didn't answer for a few minute. She whispered. "I need you my friend. I know you feel guilty for your brother's death. Jenny left you when you went crazy. When you needed her the most. But I stays with you. Even when you forgot my face and name."

They arrived in late evening in Monterey. The two friends, like old lover's held hands at the Irish Cafe. He ordered her a Irish coffee. She ask " Give me two weeks with you. We will find hope together." He looked away from her and whisper. "When you lived a bullshit life with fake goals and dreams. The walls will fall in. You will be left alone and empty for wasting a life. Sex, booze and woman can't make you feel complete. Dead babies haunt my dreams. Two dead brother's hanging themselves without a word to anyone. They told the world to f**k off in their way."

After many strong beers. They walked on the calm and lonely beach. She begin to sing. She make him dance by the light of the spring moon.
             " If I were the king of the forest.
              I would stop the hate and dumb s**t.
              Allow the kids to be kids."
He begin to sing.
            "  If I were the king of the forest.
              I would end the wars.
              If I was the king of the forest.
              The world wouldn't be a pile of s**t."
Leona wrapped her arms around him. He brought her closer. He whisper's. "Thank you kind lady for you." Gave her a long kiss.

The Holiday Inn was $200 a night. But you could see for 20 miles into the Pacific.
Leona stood in front of him in a small towel that drops to the floor. She smiles and asked."Anything you like?" He reached out and puts his head into her breast and held her.

In the morning. He buys two tickets for the whale watching cruise. Rarely do you see a whale. But the two hours into the sea in a small boat was the real  pleasure. The boat was rocking with the ocean. He held her close. She asked him."Promise me to live forever if we see a whale together." He kisses her neck and the her lips. He told her. I promise to live on and be thankful for you if we see a great whale.."

A half hour later. The Captain tells the guests. A whale to the left. A  large gray whales appears. It is so beautiful. He felt energy and life coming back to his tire mind and soul. He brought Leona closer. He whispered. "I love you my friend."  She smiles holding his hands tightly. They are within 50 yards  of the whale.

Leona closes her eyes. She does a silence prayer. She thanks the whales for their song. Their song told her to go and save a friend life in her dream.  She hear a whisper in the ocean breeze.

Love comes when it is given without the desire of the love to be returned.

                                Coyote
                              Dec. 2010

Author's Note

Finally a new story. Any mistake. Please assist. Never too old to learn.
Coyote

Reviews

[Mark]

Your words are like whiskey, they burn going in but after awhile they are friends and I've developed a taste for them. I know I sometimes send you corrections, but I don't know my friend, maybe you speak in a language that needs it's own rules. The way you write is raw and abrupt and completely honest. I wouldn't change it and I hope for more.

[Kenneth The Poet]

One excellent tale.

[Wren]

A sweet story. I love how she brings him back from the shadows of death. very touching. There are quite a few tense errors but if you read through again carefully you should fine them easily enough. Just a suggestion maybe make it a bit longer, that way you could develop the characters more. I would love to see this continued:)

[Lost in Wonderland]

The dedication and love of leona was touching, and I liked the plot alot.

[misscb]

Wow!!! This was great... Loved how it left me just wanting more... Great job, well done!!!

[hmm]

WOW such a deep powerful piece of friendship.
I loved this hun, makes me think about things differently.
Awesome!!!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

The fight to make a friendship work often leaves the barers scared and inriched in equal measure, well done my friend, good read.

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

It's a beautifully told story one which celebrates life and the desire to keep living it..sipping the richness from it.

[Melati]

I love this story. It is so passionate, it made me shed tears. Please continue to write. Thanks for sharing.

[P_F_COGAN]

Hi Coyote...A few things off the top of my head.
Length: To short even for a short story. Stretch it out more so you can develop the story components more.
Story/Plot line: Raw but strong. Consider the use of a flashback of one of the brothers deaths to strengthen and deepen the hopelessness of situation of the main character and to give the opening a hook to set the reader.
Characters/Setting: Both are to shallow. The characters need deeper development and the settings need flushing out. Readers get no real sense of the who these people are or the places they are being taken through. There is no visual picture being established of what these characters look like, their history with or relationship to each other. They could be stick figures as far as the reader knows. Before the characters get into motion there is no sense of where this story is taking place. The kitchen could be any room in the universe as far as the reader knows.
Spelling/Grammar/Structure: Raw! There are all kinds of spelling, grammar, and sentence structural errors that make the story telling sound uneducated and illiterate. In some places it almost sounds like the characters are a bunch of mountain hillbillies speaking in broken phrases and sentences. It's hard in some places to know which character is speaking and whether or not they are speaking or just thinking out loud. Separate what the characters are thinking to themselves and their actual dialogue to each other by always starting a new line with the dialogue and then on another line either before or after the dialogue line with what the characters are thinking.
Story Pacing/Flow: To fast and to choppy. Reader experiences lots of mental Starts/Stops in reading the story. Slow down the pacing by lengthening the story giving yourself the time necessary to setup and flow from one scene to the next. Setup and smooth out the way you flow from one scene to the next. The pacing is to quick, the flow to uneven. The reader is running to catch up with the story line while at the same time trying to figure where the heck they are at a given moment.
Ending: Very Good but really under developed, predictable and poorly executed. You got one human saving the life/soul of another, based on a dream and followed by a promise that comes to easy and predictably that the reader sees the ending coming. To really hook the dream/promise together and to follow on this godly intervention ending concept change how you setup the whale watching cruise. Something along the lines that they can't take a whale watching cruise because it's the off season for the whale migration through the area and the boat captain tells them they won't see any if they go out. But he will take them out fishing considering they came all this long way and they decide what the heck they like fishing anyway so they agree. Then while they are fishing drop the promise, which the main character agrees to because he knows they won't see any whales. Then they spot one long whale off in the distance slowing moving towards their boat as if sent special by God according to the dream to save the soul of the main character.

[ytiger]

The first story I read on this web site (I'm fairly new) I'm glad I did. Just watch out for those grammatical errors thrown around here and there, overall good story.