I hope I make it till the Spring.

A old poem. I learn I wasn't important. I learn to be kind to friends and family. Silence is better then speaking negative words.

                       I hope I make it till the Spring.

I hope I make it till the Spring.
The Spring is when the world comes alive.
When the Winter days fade away to memories and
warm days heat up the hearts and dreams.

Yesterday the cold of Winter was for us to hold on tighter,
to keep each other warm, but somehow life had become a
search for a reason to be.

I looked to the past, but I don't feel hope.
I saw the many mistakes made.
I can see the many beautiful moment too,
I feel they haunt me more than the bad.

I remember when life was easy.
All dreams in reach.
Today I feel that my life has become a useless journey.
Just aiming at useless dreams, not needing affection.
Like love creates more pain than sweetness.

Where do you look to bring laughter where there is only sadness?
Where do you find smiles when life becomes only a journey toward death?

Am I a coward?
Because I fear tomorrow.
Am I the cause of my own pain?

I feel I have chosen my journey.
For I have touched the pinnacle of love,
reached power and money but I was never complete.
I never found happiness.

Maybe I chose the wrong direction.
I wish to be born anew.

I know only I can open the door to love and forgiveness.
I must find new dreams and hope.

Where do I begin?
I seen to fall on the same path. Money and work.
I don't need friendship and I don't even need the gentleness
of a woman touch.

Am I pass the road to know happiness?
Can I find the thirst to be happy?
Is it too late to learn to love?
I don't know if i have any desire left.

In the Spring.
Maybe I will feel strong again.
Feel the energy of hope.
Maybe the warm days of Spring will rebirth the desire
to love and know laughter again.

In the Spring.
I will find hope again.

                     Coyote
                  John Castellenas

Author's Note

I lost two brother's to suicide. I wrote this poem after my second brother's funeral in 1988. I learn to the kind voice in a life. People need a kind word and a place to feel safe. Thank you for reading. I found the poem in a old journey locked away.

Reviews

[quinfinn]

"but somehow life had become a search for a reason to be" just wow.... this is by far one of the best of your writes i have ever had the pleasure to have read. spring is a time of renewal, as you so wordfully point out, but we , being human and having faults, aren't always ready or willing for that renewal. John, this is a beautiful piece of prose, definitely one for my faves. well done , sir poet!

[Levi Levin]

Very nice write Coyote and I can understand how the spirit of man would walk these paths.

I have seen that in any great undertaking it is not enough for a man to depend simply upon himself.
~Lone Man (Isna-la-wica), Teton Sioux

[Quill~]

It's tough to lose a loved one. Your loss is tragic and very painful, but having a Spring to come around year after year is a blessing. A hopeful season. This is a well written piece.

[chandlerl]

It rings true to the ears good sir, A great read lovely and deep your poem ...was beautiful. When someone dies suddenly, it's not like when they get sick, theres no chance to say goodbye or to even tell them you love them. A old therapist put it to me like this, "what color was your bike when you were six?" "Pink" "What color will it be in 40 years?" "Pink"
Well his point was that the pain will be the same whether in 5 minutes or 50 years, we just get to find new ways to deal with it.
This was a very moving piece that truly came from the heart, thank you for sharing it.

[Salar Majak]

I looked to the past, but I don't feel hope.
I saw the many mistakes made.
I can see the many beautiful moment too,
I feel they haunt me more than the bad.


it was never your fault, and i don't know about love but they say that you are never too old to fall in it's trap, i'm sorry you had to go through all that, it really brought a tear to my eyes, this is such a chilling peice that should never be left behind.
Aurora

[Sami Khalil]

I remember when life was easy.
All dreams in reach.
Today I feel that my life has become a useless journey.
Just aiming at useless dreams, not needing affection.
Like love creates more pain than sweetness.
My faves in this nice well written poem...:)

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Are any of us "important"? Only in what we can do for others. We are here to help each other and if we can't do that, what good are we? I enjoyed this write. I have known these feelings. I was the primary caregiver for my mother for the last five years of her life. Losing her was like dying inside. I cried at her funeral...a few silent tears. Pain never leaves us...love never leaves us. But thankfully God never leaves us...alone. Life continues and we must continue until our time ends here. There are those here who still need us or we would not be here...that is my belief.

[Valentine]

Sad story about your losses..it takes courage to relate to the world your loss and your pain..I feeel you are an overcomer..and trust you feel that way too..Kathie

[Star Wolf]

Yes, we all must hold on tell spring. Things seem fresh and new in spring and there is hope in the warmth of new life. Amazing poem.

[Frieda P]

I have read this more than a few times already. It's chilling and poignantly beautiful at the same time. I feel your pain, you pour it out onto these pages. I am still waiting for Springtime. I hope you found your's since.