Without hope

Sometimes there is too much to wonder

Sometimes I wonder about the world. A world of horrors, and fantasies, where imaginations run free. But I am simply a captive. I look out to the world from behind bars. A sad gray tint, colors my interactions and nothing seems natural but solitude. A depression it's usually called. Get sad, get bored, get lazy. But what is depression. Is it really just something anomalous, that passed though our genes to need medical treatment? I feel it might be something more, or something less. If everything we have as a part of us was supposed to either help us survive or is an obvious mutation, what about depression is helpful? Because I know it is. Its not the weight of the world that holds me back. It's my unwillingness to be what the world wants from me. To smile and prance, and interact like a normal person, because normal people now-a-days aren't something to be. Selfish, self centered, thieves. Focused only on their own benefit. 

I'm a bird in a cage, in a vacant house, because I hope someone will come find me, because there used to be people here before. This new world isn't mine. I want to do what I can. I want to be told what to do, and be able to do it alone. But then I look around and see nothing that I truly want. I look at the things I have, my toys, my games, my stuff, and I look down. If it was all gone, then what? Then nothing. It would be gone and that's all there is too it. What of my friends. Those few people I talk to. The number has always been small, and dwindles with time, because I don't feel an urge to reach out. What if they were gone. I feel the same. The loss if great, less with my things, but I'll continue to exist. And I wonder why I only ever feel like I exist when I look back on anything. I remember being happy, being angry -most definitely angry- , being sad, but I don't see the importance. I wonder why I'm so apathetic. I wonder if I'm one of the few, and sometimes wish this made me the only one. I wonder why sometimes I have a selfish desire to be a savior. a guardian, a protector. I don't wish to operate in this human world. I wonder why I can't be something other then what I am. I wonder why I am a human. And I wonder why I can't express myself. I could blame my parents, that I'm different, I didn't go to normal school. But I revel in my assumed abnormality. I don't want to be disliked because of who I am. I wonder why... why everything. 

I wonder a lot, but not to many. I wonder if I just want to be loved. To be accepted as I am willing to accept others. But in this world of selfishness, I dare not open up. Because I wonder if I'm strong enough to be honest with even myself...... And I wonder why I never feel... hope.