Pretending

You plunge a knife into my heart,
And I act like it’s not there.
I can see the blood covered hilt,
I can feel its deep throbbing pain.
But I pretend that I don’t see it,
I pretend I don’t feel it

You drag me along
The jagged rocks on the ground leading nowhere.
But still I look up at you and smile,
Pretending I don’t notice
The sharp pain of the rock,
The ways they make me bleed.

Is this really you I know?
Or am I just a fool?

Believing in your sincerity
When there is none to be found.
Are you really there for me?
Or are you laughing behind my back?
I trusted you with a part of me
And now I’m afraid what you'll do to it
But I pretend I’m not.

I pretend that I don’t have these
Dark and dreadful thoughts.
And when I’m with you I really don’t.
But when I come home to the quiet,
They creep along the boundaries of my mind.
I pretend I can’t hear them.
But still they penetrate the edges.
And I hear their raspy voices,
Telling me what I don’t want to think.

I don’t want to believe them but
I can’t help but have my doubts.
How someone like you could want
Someone like me.
And it scares me that I may be wrong
About whom you really are.

I try to squash these fears within my mind,
Knowing that I can never tell you how I feel.
You haven’t done anything to deserve this.
You’ve been nothing but kind.
If you knew of this I’m sure
You’d hate me,
Despise me,
For thinking like this,
So I pretend I don’t.

These thoughts scare me.
I don’t want them to be here.
I want to trust you with my whole heart and soul,
But these thoughts keep pushing me away,
Separating you and I.
I don’t know if you can feel it,
But to me it’s always there,
Mocking me saying that this can’t be true,
I am me and you are you.

I pretend that I don’t hear them, don’t see them, don’t think them.
But I’m tired of pretending.
It’s eating up my mind.
I want you to prove that you are real and true,
That you’re not playing with my heart, dragging me around to nowhere.

I know you don’t deserve it, and I’m sorry for doing this,
But you need to prove it now, before I suffocate under all these thoughts and feelings
That I pretend that I don’t think about,
That I pretend I don’t feel.

While I pretend that I’m not drowning in secrets.

Reviews

[Alexandra W]

This is an incredibly powerful message from the victim in toxic relationships. The sharp, violent imagery really depicts the pain of the person suffering. Great work!!