An abusive ex-boyfriend

This happened four years ago, when I was 18.

I worry about the most ridiculous s**t. It pretty much ruins my day. Why? I have Anxiety. I have experienced some pretty terrible anxiety attacks. The reason why they were so frequent is because of this guy I was dating. He pretty much ruined me. He brought out all my bad qualities and then some, because he was horribly abusive and controlling.

Let's just call him "Moron". Ahem. Okay. Moron, is bipolar, hypocritical, hard to please, obnoxious, aggressive, secretive, narcissistic and unpredictable. I could've dealt with the 'unpredictable' part if not for all the other horrible qualities that he possesses. Unpredictable can also mean spontaneous, but that's not exactly what he was.

He was unpredictable in a bipolar sort of way; the kind that makes you want to tread lightly or you'll erm, slip and fall into a never-ending abyss of lava and die.

 

Moron, is impossible to please because he was spoiled as a kid (and still is) and so, if s**t isn't simply handed to him, and/or things don't go his way, he freaks the f**k out. And let me just say, that witnessing a grown man throwing a temper tantrum isn't as funny as it sounds.

Except it's a different type of tantrum - not the childlike one, where the kid screams and cries and stomps his feet - the type of tantrum that makes you want to run away because he has a drop-of-a-hat anger and every little thing you do pisses him off, no matter how retarded.

 

Moron, came on way too strong from the start, when I said I wanted to take things slow. I was pressured into doing things when I clearly was not ready, because if I didn't do it, he would guilt trip me. Some of it was sexual, some of it was just plain ridiculous.

That in its own way is abusive - I was in a romantic relationship and was being peer-pressured, except it was my boyfriend. Also, note that the so-called 'romantic relationship' completely lacked romance - in fact, it was based around sex. And him screaming at me. And calling me names. And pushing me into walls.

 

Are you still wondering about the obnoxious? Well, I've told you part of it - now for the rest. For example, he always talked so loud, like a politician, or a salesperson. And when he called people, like a supervisor or a doctor, he would swear like he was talking to one of his buddies.

 

(And he tells me I'M rude? Hello Irony Train, I'm Cassie, nice to meet you.)

 

When I tried telling him to tone it down, because it was rude, he chastised me for 'telling him what to do', and then brought up that 'I'm not perfect either and should shut my f*****g mouth because I'm not one to talk.' First of all, no one is perfect. Evidently.

Secondly, YOU DON'T TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT. YOU JUST DON'T. And lastly, I wasn't 'telling you what to do', I was suggesting that you tone it down because it doesn't give people a good impression at all.

 

Now for the secretive. He was always texting. Constantly. It was so bad sometimes that I actually had to bring it up. He always had some sort of excuse. Like, "Oh, it's my friend who I haven't talked to in forever", "My friend is upset", "My friend needs advice", "Someone is pissing me off".

And sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder and he would think I was trying to look at his conversation so he tilted his phone so I couldn't. Obviously he had something to hide.

 

Notice how he always said 'my friend', and the gender of the person was never revealed? Sometimes I asked what the name of his 'friend' was once in a while, just to see his reaction. And even then, he still refused to tell me.

He said things like, "An old friend", "Someone out of state", or "Oh, you wouldn't know them." Eventually, I got pissed enough to do something completely out of character - I snooped around one night to get some god damn answers.

 

Why? Because on the night of our anniversary, he was being very quiet. We were cuddling downstairs watching House, eating dinner.

Suddenly he says, "Baby?" and I knew automatically that he wanted a favor/my permission for him to do something (even though he would've done it regardless of what I thought), and he knew I liked being called 'baby'. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, and said, "What?"

 

Moron: I need to go see someone.

Me: ...It's our anniversary.

Moron: I know, but someone needs me.

Me: ...I'd appreciate it if you didn't.

Moron: I won't be gone long.

Me: D****t, you don't leave your girlfriend at your house, by herself, at night, in the middle of nowhere, especially on an anniversary, to go 'see someone'.

Moron: Cassie, it's important.

Me: I severely doubt that. Who is this 'friend' you speak of?

Moron: My friend ____ is very upset and needs a friend right now.

Me: I'm pretty sure that she has other friends. Friends who are girls, who would probably be a better choice for consolation.

Moron: I'll make it up to you. I promise.

Me: ...Right. Why don't you just call her? I'm watching my favorite show, you can go upstairs into your room and talk to her on the phone.

Moron: I need to SEE her.

Me: Excuse me? No, you don't.

Moron: Yes, I do. And I'm going whether you want me to or not.

Me: I figured as such. Fine, go. But don't expect me to be happy with you when you get back.

 

Moron then tries to kiss me, and I pull away and say, "Don't f*****g touch me. You're being really sketchy right now and I'm getting extremely pissed. Leave. Now."

So he leaves. I grab my school laptop, so I could go on Facebook and talk to Talia. Or Vikki or Bree or something. I needed to vent before my head exploded all over his living room.

 

But he was signed in. I rolled my eyes at his stupidity and went to click 'Logout', when something in me clicked. Something was telling me to snoop. I sort've have a sixth sense and my instinct is right, 95% of the time. So I went into his messages.

One particular one caught my eye. It was to his most recent ex, who by the way, he was with for only two weeks and their relationship was based on sex. I don't remember what the message to her said word for word, but it said this:

 

"Why did you have to break it off with me? What the f**k? I never did s**t to you, and then you leave me because Ashley wanted you to? I cried! Me! I F*****G CRIED! I loved you! I wanted to be the guy that made you smile and give you everything you wanted. I wanted to make you the happiest girl in the world! Do you even care? I love you and miss you."

It said a lot more than that, but that's the part that I remember. That message was sent the DAY before he asked me out.

 

Let's recap here; Moron leaves me at his house, on our anniversary, at night, in a neighborhood in another town I am unfamiliar with, alone. Not even his mom was home. Then I find that message. They were together for two weeks and he obsessed over her. Suffice to say, I was not pleased.

I then saw another message, one that was sent to Erik, and it said something like this: "lol whatever, f**k Ashley. I'll just be happy with Cassie I guess." I...guess? Okay, so, that translated in my head to, "I can't have Ashley, and I'm too proud to admit I'm upset over it, so I'll settle for Cassie."

 

When he got back, I straight up told him, "I read your messages."

Moron: What?

Me: You forgot to log out of Facebook and I decided to go through your s**t.

Moron: And did you find anything?

Me: I'm not quite sure.

Moron: The f**k?

 

We end up fighting. Our first fight. It consisted of him freaking out and threatening me, and me crying and telling him to leave me alone.

I remember him saying stuff like, "You're really f*****g stupid, you know that, right?", "I can't believe I trusted you", "I can't believe you even did that", "You're a nosy b***h", "I don't know if I wanna be with you anymore", etc. I mean really, I find something worth getting upset about and he turns it around on me and says that I can't be trusted?

 

I remember him screaming at me. A lot. One of the parts that I remember the most is, "I trusted you 100%! And then you go behind my back and go through my s**t! I do everything for you! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you asking for trouble? Ask my mom! She knows I HATE having my privacy invaded! I'm taking you home."

 

At that point, I was too scared to even remember I actually found something. My brain literally was in 'Panic Mode' so it's as if the information I gathered was completely wiped from my brain and so I then started crying harder and apologizing:

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again, don't take me home, I don't have a spare key, I'd have to wake my mom up and I don't want to do that, just take me home tomorrow morning," etc. But no, he isn't the least bit rational, so he gets his keys and says, "Pack your s**t. You're going home." (Note that it was two in the god damn morning and my family was asleep and my house was locked.)

I let out a scream of frustration and yelled, "I hate you! And don't ever say you 'do everything for me' ever again! You are a horrible boyfriend!" and he yelled back, "Well you're a stupid f*****g c**t! Go to hell!"

 

...

 

I don't know why I didn't break it off after that, I really don't. He was clearly, mentally unstable, abusive, just all-out horrible. I now notice I never mentioned how he was narcissistic. Well, for those of you who aren't familiar with what that actually means: 

egotistic; characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance

 

When I was upset or had some sort of problem, he pushed me away and told me I was overreacting, or something equally insensitive. But when he was upset, all attention had to be on him, or heads would roll. Seriously. I wish I was exaggerating.

 

And the thing is, it takes a lot to make me cry. So when I was upset, it was far from overreacting. But he made it sound like I was, and then turned the conversation over to himself.

I literally remember one time I was crying because of a bad fight I had with my parents and my day was crap even before that happened, and he was like, "You'll get over it. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with some drama right now..." What the flying f**k?

 

I simply can't comprehend why I was with him on and off for 5 months. They were the longest five months of my life. I wanna say, "I was blinded by love."

The thing is, though, is although that is probably true, he was nice to me. At first. About a month in, he began to show his true colors. It's like he got me to fall for him and then did a complete 360 and turned into a monster.

  

I went to EL for a Virtual School Program meeting. So I could sign up for it. (I was supposed to graduate sooner and didn't because of personal issues.)

While I was there, I got a text from him that said, "Lmao what happened to getting your GED? What happened to that plan" and I said, "...You live in Ohio now, how the f**k do you even know I'm here?"

And he replied with, "haha just because I don't live in Maine anymore doesn't mean I don't keep tabs on people".

 

I internally freak out. I immediately text my mom and say, "We need to block Jon's phone number as soon as I walk home after this." She says, "Why?" And I told her what just happened, and she says, "My pleasure." So I walk home from the school after the meeting ends and we call Verizon and have his number blocked because of harassment/unwanted contact.

I later find out the girl who was sitting right next to me the entire meeting told him I was there. So I said to her on Facebook later that day, "Um, can you NOT tell my psycho ex boyfriend my whereabouts? Thanks." (I told him the month before to never talk to me again.)

 

Two or three weeks later, he messages me on Facebook. And the kid has the f*****g audacity to be like, "We need to talk, I have a lot to say. Call me asap. My number is ___". I write back, "I blocked your number, dipshit. And you still don't get it..." and he's like, "Well figure it out. It's important." Really? Is he mentally challenged?

So I wrote back, "I'd rather not hear your voice. Type it in here if it's that important." And he writes back, "What the f**k!" and writes like a whole paragraph about how much of a b***h/c**t/retard I am who can't let go of the past, yeah like that's totally gonna make me talk to him more. Oh yeah. And like an "I'm sorry" is going to make me forgive someone who abused me for months. Yup.

 

So I said what I had to say.

Some of it said, "I hate you. I hate you so much that if you were to show yourself on my property, I would slit your throat. I hate you so much that I want to torture you until you scream and beg for mercy, and laugh and watch you slowly die. You are a horrible person and you will never amount to anything because of the way you treat people and the way you live your life. If you even so much as reply to this message, I will call the cops. This is a written warning."

 

Some people really just need to fall off the face of the planet.

Author's Note

I wrote this the same year it happened. 6 months after.