Chapter 24

I walk back. My shins are hurting today. Michael and Alex kicked them in today. Michael then told me I probably liked the touch from him. He just figured out last week, so this was pretty normal, at least it wasn’t punches. Year nine is over now, I’m glad in a way, but it probably means me sitting in my room festering and dreaming up conversations I could have with Michael. I know nothing will happen, but I do it. Nothing can happen anyway, I guess that’s just how life will be for me. Falling in love with a straight kid is normal I think, but I don’t have any gay friends so how would I know.

I walk in through the door and say hey to my mum as I walk upstairs, I shut the door behind me and throw my uniform onto the chair. I look at my scrawny body and vow to get more muscular this summer, and maybe somebody might like me, but I won’t. I’ll procrastinate like I always.

I get into my clothes and sit on my bed. I don’t know if I want somebody to love me I just want to feel an emotion, for the last few years I have become a shell. Coming out didn’t change that, like I thought it would. I hate myself for not being able to feel anything, not that I feel any hate in my brain, it’s just blank, with an ugly kaleidoscope of ideas flooding my head. Is that depression?

I pull a knife out from the drawer. I don’t need it, I’ve never used it even, but I keep it there. I hold it to my neck and think of slicing it. In my fantasy James is too kind to those who care about him, but this James, the real James, might do it, he’s not sure. I push the knife’s blade against my neck, not too hard yet. But then I pull it away.

All the pain that that dream had caused me was painful. But it gave me hope. Because even if a bit of that dream didn’t come true maybe something would. Maybe I would have a crazy adventure, or maybe I could just grow old together with someone. It was that idea that I was clinging onto. And maybe I was a fool for it, but it kept me going for now, waiting and praying.

I get out of bed and go outside. Tonight, I can lay in the silent darkness, reminiscent of all that couldn’t be.