Chapter 14

Michael awoke. Everything was very quiet, and the sun had not yet risen. No birds or crickets chirped, and the leaves and trees outside were not rustling in the wind. The air felt slightly damp, and water had condensed over the roof of the tent, like they were in a clammy cave. The air was warm however, and Michael took of the hoodie he had been sleeping in to cool down, as he felt himself begin to sweat slightly. He was left with only his t-shirt on, and the air felt refreshing against his arms. He sat up and checked James’s watch. It was five past five in the morning.

James was still sleeping, and now Michael was the one watching his boyfriend sleep. James looked lie he was sleeping for the first time in a week, the way he was lying. His body had entirely relaxed, and every part of him was in deep slumber, no rolling around or movement on his face, just the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He was sprawled out across the ground of the tent, he was a messy collection of toys on a child’s floor, not intended, not helpful, but still gave the room a feeling of character and depth to it. That’s right. A unique mess. That was a good way to describe James’s sleeping.

Throughout his early teens, Michael believed that some people were just not meant to find love. He tried talking to so many girls in that time, but not out of his own thoughts, because the people he grew up with were doing it too. But it was the same story every time. They were always better as friends, and Michael always felt incredibly uncomfortable if anything became romantic. But the people around him would joke about how he never got a boyfriend, and outside he was one of the most popular kids in school, but inside he was trapped in a box, alone.

Things changed when he began to feel attracted to James. The feelings had always been there, but he had pushed them away, but they began to come back. They came back more, and sometimes in lessons he would find himself just gazing at James, and then realise what was happening, and snap out of it. The feelings kept him up at nights, but he knew he had to confront them eventually and he did.

He messaged James and told him that he had to talk and told them to meet outside the woods. The first thing James said to him, he could remember of by heart, it was: ‘Look. I’m really sorry I feel this way about you, and I should have hidden my feelings better. Sorry.’ Michael told him it wasn’t about that, and James looked confused. Michael told him that he had been thinking, and realised he felt the same way, so he told Michael ‘Don’t hide your feelings. I don’t want to have to hide mine.’ James’s face was the deepest pot of emotions of happiness, shock, confusion, panic, that it was impossible to read, but Michael looked down into James’s eyes and kissed him. They walked down into their clearing, and sat there for the first time, until the sun had set. That was the first time in years Michael had left that box, because James had freed him.

Things began to change after that night. He began smiling and joking more, he stopped overthinking things, and he started being kind to everyone. His sports improved as well; he had more confidence. James watched every single match. Not because he loved rugby and football, but because he wanted to watch and support Michael. Michael saw him there every time. He normally was away from everyone else, in a corner next to a fence, but always there. Michael’s school life was a lot better with James, and he always looked forward to talking to James after school.

Some things did not improve at school though. Michael didn’t quite have the confidence to come out, but he hated having to hide his relationship. Whenever, he thought about it made him feel like an outsider; he had no place in the world; he was weird. He hated his former self. The one who would mock people every day, and make people feel like outsiders, and the one who never had a real friend, who he could talk to. And he hated the people he was always around.

They didn’t care about other people. They just used everyone else for ‘a laugh’. He remembered stuff they said to James, stuff they said about James, Michael didn’t say anything to James, but he only ever stood there. He would be behind everyone else, too scared to say anything out of a fear of change. A fear of change that stuck with him everywhere he went. And not because he loved his life, but just out of pure fear of what would happen if his precariously suspended life would suddenly all fall down. And no matter how much James told him not to, he hated himself for it, preferring to stay in denial, that life was fine and normal, and there was no point in changing. He only felt that disappear around James, that was what kept him going, James was a haven for him, where everything didn’t matter anymore, and he could rest. He never wanted to have to go back to lying to himself that he didn’t have to change anything.

He looked back at James. James’s skin was so smooth, but his head had tilted up, exposing a scar under his chin, and Michael remembered where he got it.

They were walking back after going to a Thai place in Derby, and they were walking down the road, when a massive man suddenly jumped out of nowhere with a knife and asked for their phones, and wallet. They both handed over their phones, which were both hand-me-downs from their parents, as well as some cash. They both told the man what their passcodes were. The man looked at them and put his knife on the underside of James’s chin and asked, “You f**s, or what?” He pulled his knife across James and ran off. The cut wasn’t superdeep, but there was blood and Michael panicked and took James to hospital and called both their parents on the phone there. They weren’t allowed to go into town for a year after that.

Michael gently stroked James’s cheek and lay back down. He faced James, and, looking at someone who had changed his life, he descended into tranquillity with a smile ladened upon his face.