An Untold Story: My Best Friend Part 4

How I met, lost, and re-introduced myself to a very special person from my point-of-view.

I knew where to find you. It was easy; you were at work that same morning. It was a cold day but that didn’t reduce the blood rage I felt. My face felt as if it were on fire and with a lung full of flames I planned to burn you. How dare you accuse me of anything? I paid my dues and I was careful not to fall into the same traps again. Yet, somehow you found a way to make it my fault. Not this time. This time I planned on settling things permanently. I didn’t do anything wrong and you weren’t going to make me the bad guy.

                I collected all of the things you let me barrow and put on my shoes. As I headed out the door my only thoughts were what I was going to say to you. I sped past the car purposely. I was so pissed that driving was only going to get me there faster. I knew that would have been a mistake. I didn’t know what I would do but nothing felt as if it was going to be a good meeting. You were fearless. You weren’t afraid of anything. Not a very good mix considering I was prayed God would turn you into a man so I could beat your a*s. I needed to calm down and walking gave me enough time to fume.

                When I reached the work place I wasted no time in finding you. You were in your office as I expected you to be. With all of my rage I opened the door ready to rip into you. What I saw was the only thing I didn’t anticipate, tears. I wasn’t sure if they were for me or if something else had ruined your day, but I couldn’t blast you. My love for our wayward friendship was still fresh in my mind. I calmly told you I was done and that I wouldn’t be at work later. After I handed you the stuff I barrowed, you mumbled a thank you. I turned my back and walked out. I didn’t want you words anymore. They were meaningless.

                Later that night I gathered all of the things you got me and placed them all in a pile. I cursed your name and spat at the general direction of the small hill of swag. It’s all gone now. It’s somewhere buried in a landfill next to our friendship. There were no tears, not from me. I cried enough when I felt you loved me. There was no love, no pain, not even anger. I buried you somewhere deep and I didn’t even leave a marker so I could locate your body later. There wasn’t going to be a “later”. You were dead to me and I had made my peace with that. But, I couldn’t live with not knowing why. Why would you do such a thing to the one person that understood you for who you were and enjoyed everything about you?

                My distaste for you grew into hatred of women in general. They all became faceless bodies. I didn’t really care about any of them. I used them up then moved on to the next. Maybe I felt in my mind that in some way I was getting back at you. But, it only made me feel for a short time. I had to find another and do it all over again. After a few years of that I came to the conclusion I had gone insane in that respect. I shut myself off and lamented on the days we had fun. I missed that more than anything. I knew I couldn’t see you again. Not that I couldn’t find you, but I figured it was too late to make things right. Besides, it’s not like you remembered me anymore. Why would you?

                I found a woman that was fun, just like you used to be. She even understood me, too. I felt at home with her and I decided I was going to do things the right way. We became friends and spent a lot of time together. I was happy again. Everything was starting to feel right. Then, she told me she wanted to be more than friends. I didn’t even have to think twice. I told her no. I told her we were better off friends and to make it something else would only be a mistake. I knew she was in a relationship. I felt this was my second chance to make the right decision. Well, it turns out she only wanted what was in my pants and when I refused she was done.

                At that moment I knew I couldn’t replace you. You were unique in every way. But, that ship had sailed and there was no going back. For the first time in years, my heart hurt again. I never thought I’d miss your as a person after so many years past. Normally, I was certain I’d always meet up with the people I’ve met in one way or anything. In your case, that was never a thought. I knew you were gone. You were dead to me and I couldn’t even visit the grave because I forgot where I buried the body.