An Untold Story: My Best Friend Part 3

How I met, lost, and re-introduced myself to a very special person from my point-of-view.

My heart was in a place it had never been before. The world was brighter and more colorful and carried me from place to place. That must have been what heaven felt like. The woman of my dreams, everything seemed shiny and new. My legs could no longer walk because I seemed to float as the wind the one I created in my mind, not only existed but she loved me.  It was a sensory overload I didn’t mind experiencing. I felt complete and it was all because of you. I loved you, I truly believed that. And, I knew you loved me too. I wanted to believe that was enough to make everything alright. It wasn’t.

                The fact is, you didn’t belong to me and it could never be that way. But, I fought it. I wanted you so bad. I needed you so much that I couldn’t give you up that easily. He didn’t deserve anything you had to offer. He wanted to cage you like some animal only parading you around when he wanted to show you off. You weren’t a trophy; you were something amazing that the world needed to experience. He didn’t deserve you, but I knew you wouldn’t leave him. Not for me. I knew I shouldn’t have entertained those thoughts but I was so strung out I stopped thinking with my head months before it got to that point.

                My love-stoned attitude began to surface and I could tell it was making you uncomfortable. I couldn’t hide it so well anymore and it was becoming a problem for me. I found myself making you mixed tapes and texting you all hours of the night. My addiction became a disease with no cure in sight. Many nights I lay in bed and wondered why I couldn’t stop thinking about you. How was it possible for me to want one person so much? One unusually warm evening everything became clear. I was hopeless in love with you.  My heart sprang from my chest filled with glee, but in my mind I knew it was the beginning of the end.

                I shard my new found feelings with you but you weren’t so happy with what came out. That was the first time we stopped speaking. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. What did I do? How could I be so stupid? Like you were going to tell me you were in love with me too. Of course you weren’t. You had a life and husband. There was no room for any of the foolishness I was spouting. I messed things up. Broken, all I could do was ask God to turn back the hands of time allowing me to swallow those words. My prayer was never answered. In my darkest moments, you reached out to me and gave me another chance to prove myself.

                I’m not sure if you felt sorry for me or if our friendship meant that much to you but I was determined not to make the same mistake twice. Weeks went by and things started to feel right again. The elephant was still in the room, but we invited him to play our silly games and let him in on our little inside jokes. It was blissful to say the least. Oh, my heart still felt very much in love with you, but I was learning to deal with it. I had returned to my paradise, the place where I could be free. Weeks of thinking and soul search had finally put my mind and heart harmony. I knew what I wanted from you. It was something I couldn’t live without and I planned on telling you all about it when we got our tattoos the following week. I couldn’t wait!

                But, that day never came. Instead I woke to a phone call at 6am on a Saturday. It was you. Odd, you never really called me unless it was important. The voice I had grown used to wasn’t the one I was greeted with in that exchange. There was so much anger and disgust vibrating my ear drums that it stunned me for a moment. I soon realized you were mad at me. But how was that possible? Things were great the night before and now you were telling me you didn’t love me and you were in love with your husband. What the hell just happened? Where was thins all coming from? Before I could ask any questions or try to explain you say the one thing I never thought I’d hear you say. “I never want to speak to you again!”

                All of the color faded from my perfect world. The sound the echoed through my phone hit me like a shotgun blast to the chest. I’m not sure what was said after that moment. It was muffled by the sound of my world exploding violently. My grief quickly turned to anger and as a part of me bled out on the kitchen floor, a heartless creature was set loose. I found out later that my ex had gone to see you and the conversation you two had wasn’t a very productive one. Whatever was said had prompted you to make that call. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you had allowed me to explain things. I wish you would have been my friend and not a woman at the moment in time.

                I never got to tell you what I had decided. What I spend countless tear soaked nights wrestling over. What my heart and my head agreed upon. Where I felt I wanted you to fit in my life. As much as I loved you I had to respect that fact that you could never be mine, but it didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. I needed you in my life and I was more than ok with taking you any way I could have you. Besides, life was easier and a lot more fun when we were friends. That’s what I meant to tell you when we were getting tattoos. But, that day never came. Instead, a part of me died that morning at 6am, and the other part hated you for letting that happen.