The Apology

A mental letter of a broken relationship.

The Apology

 

 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that things ended the way they did. Life got too complicated and the tension between us was too much to bare at times. I know I said I’d always be there for you, but I just needed some time to clear my head. You were relentless and things quickly fell apart. Why couldn’t you have given me the time I needed? Unfortunately, none of that mattered  anymore. I wasn’t sure if you’d ever see these words that seemed to paint the walls of my cold apartment, but I prayed someone would get the message.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

We used to be so close people would swear we were tethered in some way. We were completely inseparable. What happened you us? It’s like all feelings changed overnight. You weren’t my shadow anymore, just a weight around my neck that couldn’t be removed.

I’m sorry I left you.

The moment I realized you were nothing like I had hoped you’d be I began severing all the ties that bound us together. Once those chains were broken every emotion we shared were sent flying in every direction making things harder than they had to be.

I’m sorry you stayed.

We didn’t you leave? I told you things would never be the same, but you wouldn’t believe me. I told you I didn’t love you anymore. I said you were crazy. I didn’t answer your calls and even changed my number, but you always knew how to find me. You wouldn’t go away and now I’m so confused. What am I suppose to do?

I’m sorry I forgave you.

You promised me you’d be different and I believed you. You said it was all a misunderstanding. I admit it was great for a week or two. I was so lost in my dream I even told you I loved you again. I lied. I never stopped loving you. I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. But, I apologized and decided to start over. You said it would be different. You lied. It wasn’t.

I’m sorry you lied to me.

How did we get here again? I thought you said you were going to be different? I thought you were going to make things better? You promised! Damn you, you promised! Now what do we do? Am I going to hurt again? Answer me! NO! I can’t… I won’t live like this! I wasn’t going to let you do this to me again!

I’m sorry I hated you.

I gave you everything freely and you pissed it all away. I’m worth more than that and I wasn’t going to let you degrade me any longer. Did you honestly believe it wouldn’t come to this? All the love I had for you fermented into a seething hate. This time I didn’t ask you to leave. I didn’t want you to. You never saw it coming.

I’m sorry I had to kill you.

I felt sick. I was sick of your lies. I was sick of pretending you meant something when I couldn’t stand looking at your face. I was important, but you couldn’t see that anymore, could you? You didn’t even see it coming. Not even when I showed you what I had in my hand. Oh, now you love me. It’s going to be different this time? You were so pathetic. I just put it to your head as you begged me to believe you. You’re a liar and I hated you. It was easier than I thought. You cried and I just squeezed. One squeeze and no more lies. I felt sick.

I’m sorry you’re dead.

My God, what had I done? You were gone forever and it was my fault! I didn’t really want to but you made me! You made me hate you. You taunted and lied to me at every turn. It was the only thing I could do. I just wanted it all to stop and you made it so easy. I felt sick. I cried over your lifeless body and wondered how we got here. It was too late to reflect, you were gone forever and it was my fault.

I’m sorry I didn’t say this sooner.

I realized at that moment that things were as bad as I made them out to be. No, things weren’t the same and they were never going to be, but we could have gotten along again in time. As flawed as you were I never admitted I was just as broken. You weren’t the only one that didn’t change. You weren’t the only one who lied. I wanted to say I’m sorry, but it’s too late. You’re gone forever and it was my fault. If only I could tell you face to face. They’re had to be a way.

I’m sorry, but I need to see.

Please, forgive me but I had to come see you. I missed you terribly and I had to tell you face to face that I was sorry. I was so wrong on so many levels and you had to know that. I closed my eyes and I could already see you. It was so easy. You were so close I could sense you. There’s only one way I could reach you. I just pointed it toward my head and made a wish. I wished I could see you again so I could tell you face to face.  Tell you that I was wrong and I was sorry. Just one squeeze and I’d be there with you, face to face. I’m sorry…

Author's Note

I'm VERY unprofessional. I'm just sharing my thoughts and would love to know what you think.

Reviews

[Journey]

When I first started this piece it felt like a Dear Jane letter. I felt as though I had stumbled upon a personal letter meant for someone else. I wanted to turn away, but I am an admitted voyeur (lol), so I couldn't stop reading.

With the first I killed you, I thought it was a - I killed you with words, or I killed you with gossip. It was only later that I realized what was...a murder/suicide. It shocked me, but I thought that it was a great story. I am enjoying your ink brother.

I think it's very sincere and well written.
reminds me of my own predicament. and makes me so damned sad.