Seashore

 

I heard the sound of the ocean from far away...when I got closer,

 

 

the salt water sailed past me and I could hear the waves

 

 

 

 

                        pounding on the surf....seashells like diamonds, each one unique...

 

 

I felt the uniqueness of your spirit and the waves of

 

 

 

 

                                     passion that washed over me........................

Reviews

[Mpotavin]

Is there a difference between ..., ...., and ........................? Is there a purpose? How would you speak this? Poems are rhythmic writings. Your readers can not determine your intent for these.

All the periods create what I like to call the melodramatic pause. Instead of creating a dramatic piece, the periods are added to simulate drama. Below is a rewrite without the drawn out periods.


I heard the sound of the ocean
from far away.
When I got closer,
the salt water sailed past me
and I could hear the waves
pounding on the surf.
Seashells like diamonds,
each one unique.
I felt the uniqueness of your spirit
and the waves of
passion that washed over me.

So what sound of the ocean did you hear before you got closer and heard the waves? Where are you that the water sailed past you? I'm having problems visualizing your location. It would help to explain how you got from point a to b. Why diamonds? Do these seashells have value like diamonds? I would think them quite common. I also feel kind of left out of the loop, when you go and introduce a character at the very last line. How was I to know you weren't alone?

Short poems are the hardest to do correctly. Every word has meaning and significance. You have to make certain that ambiguity is removed and there is nothing in there that does not reinforce your theme.

[tina edwards]

very beautiful

[Lydia]

Short, simple, but so powerful, and it makes me long for the sea. Very nice.

[Liam]

The structure makes the poem a million times better" Well done, this is great and really original!