Khet - Prologue

This is the prologue to Khet, in which we first meet Khet, and her problems begin.

A shallow breath shuddered past small, full lips, and tiny beads of muddy water dripped from the chin below. A cool morning breeze swept down the steep valley walls, stirring silken strands of hair the color of aged barley. I was not yet the age to bear children the first time I met Leander, though those days were not long off.  A dozen summers had come and gone in my lifetime, seasons spent helping my mother and sisters plant the newly green stalks of rice in the terraced hills of our valley. My small hands were scarred and calloused with a lifetime of hard labor, and in that moment, I held dearly to the bright green grasses within them.

I had no name " none of my people did. I was simply daughter to my mother, sister to my siblings " child to my tribe. We were the Ihtroken, the people of the great valley. Life was simple here. I understood at that age the three things that were important in my life; community, survival, and worship. This is why it came as a surprise to both I, and Leander, when I disregarded all three.

Fists clenched tight, I stood feet-apart in the murky waters of the rice field. Deep golden eyes the color of ripened wheat stared into my own clear, green eyes. My mother had once told me they were the eyes of the river; beautiful, wild, unforgiving. The large golden lion stood still in the cool waters, one large paw lifted in frozen step. I had not heard the warning call as I worked, and had looked up to find myself face to face with the great beast. In all my life, I had never witnessed anyone stand to Leander. He was our god " our king. We bowed on knee and hand to the great beast god. I did not know what kept me standing before him, trapped in his piercing gaze.

For a handful of moments we stared at one another, beast and child. I should have dropped to my knees and asked forgiveness. I should have bowed my head. My mother would have forced me to do so had she been in arms reach, but there was no one  to protect me or to make me obey. The women of my village stood scattered through the knee-high water of the rice fields, bowed low over the murky surface, eyes on their own reflections, and waited.

It was too late to undo what had been done. I watched the great cat for a moment more, and then lowering my eyes, I bent and continued on with my work. My hands shook as I dug a small hole in the silt beneath the water's surface, and carefully plunged the half-bent rice stalk in my hand into the hole. I reached into the woven bag slung across my chest, and pulled out another vibrant stalk.

Tawny sun-warmed fur brushed past my elbow as the great cat sloshed through the pool and past me. His dark tufted tail slid against my shin in an angry caress. I let out a breath I had not known I was holding, and stepped forward in the silt, putting further distance between us.

A low growl of a voice spoke clearly in the silent valley, "Khet."

Author's Note

This is the very short prologue to my novel, Khet. In this scene, our main character, and the voice of this story is a child (around 12 years old) who meets the beast-god that overlooks her people's valley. This is someone they worship and fear, and for whatever reason, in this instance, the girl breaks with all tradition and refuses to outwardly acknowledge him. Hence, their story begins, and the little girl is given a name: Khet. I'm looking for any sort of feedback, good or bad. Let me know what you thought of the chapter, Khet's reaction, and the voice it was written in. The story is told in a slightly older tone of voice because it's being told in remembrance from Khet's point of view some years down the line. (which is why she doesn't necessarily sound like she's 12). Just let me know what you think overall, and please be honest. I can take negative criticism.

Reviews

[zainul]

There is a poignant hint of clash and contradiction between Khet and Leander.
I think a short description of the geographical location would help readers to relate more closely.If it is a rice growing area,reference of barley and wheat may be omitted if it is not inevitable.
However,I liked the beginning.
It makes sense.

[Cary A. Morton]

Thank you :3 I appreciate the feedback!

[Faolan]

^_^

[Kate Whitaker]

This is intriguing, and I am looking for more.

[Cary A. Morton]

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback :3

[char]

It sounds good. I do not think a prologue is necessary though. And I agree with EurasionFlavour, actions speak louder than words. You should have her act instead of talk.

[Cary A. Morton]

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide me feedback! I agree, prologues aren't always necessary, and I will consider possibly replacing it in the future if I feel I can impart their first meeting in some way later in the story.

[EurasianFlavour]

I think this is a really good introduction to the story. It gives a little bit of background but still leaves some mystery to keep the reader interested. I think giving her a reason for her defiance will help build the character. She makes a conscious decision not to pay respects (at least that's how I read it). maybe the initial shock of being so close to him kept her on her feet, but once she realizes what she's doing she continues down that same path of disobedience...why? What makes her do that? I know you wrote "it was too late to undo what I had done", but she still could have knelt down to try to ask forgiveness or make amends. In fact, she knows she SHOULD do that. But she doesn't. So is she just kind of like "f**k it" and does her own thing?

[Cary A. Morton]

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide me feedback! As the story goes on reasons for her defiance will start to pop up, I think that initially she isn't fully aware of why she's defying Leander and so she makes excuses to rationalize her behavior, but as she gets older she'll start coming to the realization of why she did it.

[EurasianFlavour]

I can understand that. I was just wondering if there was even a hint of why she would act this way. Just from this introductory standpoint her actions seem disconnected, like they came out of nowhere.

Also, "This is why it came as a surprise to both I, and Leander, when I disregarded all three." Should be "It came as a surprise to both Leander and me...". But these are just minor details. Overall it's great!

[Cary A. Morton]

Thank you! I can't believe I missed that mistake!