Day 1: waking up next to him.

I usually hit the hay before 11 and he stays up to read the news online. Which means I’m up before him most mornings, but that’s okay with me. Because it means I can bask in the delusion that I’m not falling to pieces when I think of myself as separate to him. 

Snuggling against his back�"and pulling the green doona up to my chin�"I take a moment to appreciate the peeled cream paint on the Art Deco cornices, the musty smell of him on the sheets, the pile of my belongings that have accumulated at the foot of his bed over the last couple of months. 

I notice the absence of heart palpitations and smile. When I’m out on my own, doing what I have to do, I usually need to take 5mg of Valium to avoid panic attacks. But waking up beside Ben anchors me: I’m not going to end up on the street again. His home feels like home to me. 

I close my eyes and fall back asleep.