Perfection

As I looked around the familiar surroundings that had once only been memories, I expected cries and shrieks from my brothers and sisters but the silence left me disappointed. After half an hour of deep thought I heard a knock at the door.
As it opened I saw red tired eyes, “Mum, are you okay?”  I asked, as I looked down to the newborn to which she was cradling in her arms I realized I wasn’t in a dream. The court case, the rejection, my mothers breakdown was all true. As I held Mum tight on the couch I recalled yesterday’s events:
At noon my foster parents drove me to the Brisbane Court House where my mother’s future was decided. We all piled into the seats reserved for us, as I saw my brothers and sisters sitting uncomfortably clinging onto their foster parents I feared for my mother's heart. As the case drew to an end and my mum was allowed the right to have a family again I saw the horror and terror on my brothers and sisters faces. Outside Mum flew open her arms expectantly for us to run in, although we leftt her disappointed. She walked up to me and said "will you at least come home with me." I saw the sorrow and sadness in her eyes. She slowly turned away I grabbed her hand and said "no, we'll come home with you." The judge handed Ellie over to Mum, her eyes brightened, her face shone with glee. I looked over to Ollie, he hid behind his 'dad' the same way he hid behind me the first time we dropped him off I offered him my had nothing happened. We made our way to the bus station I waited for Mum to ask for my spare change but when the time came to pay she more than enough. Our journey home to Helensvale was amazing, Mum pointed out the place she had got a part time job and how she was thinking about sending me to the local high school. As Ellie awoke from her sleep startled by the new face that laid above her she started fidgeting. But after several minutes of cradling and whispering she was back at home. As we entered the house that had once turned my dreams into nightmares I was startled. Someone had cleaned it! The kitchen now held food and the rubbish piles were gone. I turned to Mum she showed me around and I could see how much she had done to get us all back together. We passed several rooms I saw the new beds she had bought for us in anticipation of our retrun. Tears dripped down her face as she realized that her chidlren weren't coming home. I hugged her tightly and whispered "don't worry, we'll get them back."
Twenty-nine days later Christmas Eve arrived and Mum couldn't have been happier spending it with us although the only presents were for Ellie and me she thoroughly enjoyed it. As we watched carols by candlelight on the television we heard a knock. I opened it and was confronted by children singing Christmas carols, I called mum over and immediatley she threw her arms around them. I looked up and saw the foster parents hop in their cars and drive away. I knew my brothers couldn't ressit the smell of Mum's shortbread. The grins on their faces reached their ear lobes obviously ready to sart afresh. Mum showed each one their beds and rooms, they ran to the kitchen and screamed "Food!" Although the past six months had been the best thing that had happened to them it didn't seem to worry them. With all the commotion I never realized that one person was missing, Mary. I turned to Mum, she had noticed too. As Mum tucked the boys away to bed I rang Mary. Just as the conversation drew to a close Mum stepped in ready to hear what she had to say, I shook my head. Tears poured down her face and I couldn't find a way to comfort her. There really is no way to comfort a mother that had just been refected by her own daughter. As I assured her that Mary will come and visit and return in her own time and I felt it safe to go to bed I did.

 

 

 

As I awoke to the screams and cheers from my brothers I walked out they had obviously been in my room with Lachlan parading about with my black bra on his head pretending to be Mickey Mouse I realized this family was the best thing in life. As I saw Mum’s face with small smile on her face I knew she couldn’t reach to her ear lobes as the past events were just sinking in to her. But right now life was perfect.

 

Reviews

[Carolyn]

I had a lengthy one but the assesment was a short story so i had to cut it down the teacher didn't like us describing it so she said that we only told wat they did

[Lauren Marie]

I liked it. There are some things you can improve in it though.

First off, it was slightly hard to read. Maybe go back through and place more commas here and there, and make the sentences not so complex.

Also, I didn't really feel any emotional connection with the characters. Describe how they felt, what they saw. You pretty much just said what they did. Sometimes you showed by their actions how they felt, such as hiding behind a foster parent, but expand on it even more. Did their eyes shift around the room? Did they look at their feet? Maybe, if you wish to turn this into a more lengthy story, or even a short book, you could view the situations from the eyes of each child. That would be pretty neat.

And the sentence: "Our journey home to Helensvale was amazing ..." Elaborate. How was it amazing? Was it because they were finally together? Was it because of the scenery? I don't know, you tell me.

I wish that we (the readers) could have gotten a little bit more background information. Why were they foster kids? What had happened to the father? Etc. In answering questions like these, you allow the reader to become more emotionally attached to the story. Right now, it's just like a pedestrian ... we see what's happening, but we don't know why and we don't really care.

I think you have a great start, and at the end the story made me happy, but there's always room for improvement!

~Lauren

[Carolyn]

Thank you sooo much i had to do it for skewl although i only got a C+ for it

[Sseoni]

This story was so great! It was well written, wonderfully detailed, and greatly descriptive! I really enjoyed reading this! Great job!

[AloysiaVerben]

i love it chelsea!!!!!!!! :)