The Betrayal

Meanwhile at the laboratory Dr. Washington was still trying to figure out why Zoe was a mermaid. "So Zoe lets go through what you ate one more time and this time everything!" Dr. Washington asked the same question again. "Well for breakfast i had butter on toast and i was eating strawberries on the ferry." Zoe said remebering her day. "What about the day before?" Cecilia asked looking up from her glasses.
"Well everything was normal except...well...wel this tablet." Mumbled Zoe feeling her conscience creeping up. "A tablet hmm, was it prescibed?" Cecilia asked curiously not trying to get her hopes up.
"Well no my friend, Claire on the ferry takes them all the time...and she never goes in water, do you think she's a mermaid?!" Asked Zoe curously.
"I don't know but we better make sure." Cecilia added with a wide grin on her face.
Now Claire was going to save Zoe just she needed a plan. Then the phone rang, "Claire some ones on the phone for you and hurry up you're paying the bill remeber." Added her mum nastily.
"Hello." Claire muttered expecting questions from Zoe's parents.
"Hello Claire, it's Dr. Washington, from the ferry we need to ask you a few questions can you come down to the labortary? What about this afternoon, great see you soon." The phone call ended before Claire could make any obligations. She didn't know what to do this might be her only chance to save Zoe and she wasn't going to let it slide through her fingers.
Claire's dad gave her worried glances to her throughout the whole car trip. "Are you sure you're going to be alright love?" Asked her worried dad.
"Yeah, I should be only half an hour max." As Claire leaned over and kissed her father on the cheek and watched the car leave the street Zoe prepared for the face off with Cecilia.
Whether or not Cecilia told Zoe Claire was coming or not she knew now. Claire looked at her friends fishy tail. "Hi Claire." Zoe chirped,
"Oh hi Dr. Washington called me and asked me to come.." Claire started to babble.
"Oh I know , it was my idea I thought you needed to cool down." Shouted Zoe unexpectedly. And with that Dr. Washington jumped out and poured water onto Claire. Just before Claire turned into bubbles Zoe caught a glimpse of her eyes which held fear, anger and understanding in them. What had she done?! Then a shrilling laugh echoed throughout the building. "Finally two mermaids!" Zoe looked up to find her friend a mermaid too. Her beautiful brown hair now had blue streaks  and her tail was much more prettier than Zoe's. "Don't worry Zo, I know you didn't mean it." Claire whispered as they winched her into the tank with Zoe.
 

Reviews

[Carolyn]

with the phone call i was trying to say like, Wait or she didn't get a say she just hung up wat about objections?

[LaineyBeetle]

This sentence: "The phone call ended before Claire could make any obligations." doesn't make any sense when you use the word "obligations" - I think you meant to use something different like "committments" or something but obligations is definitely not right in this case. I suggest keeping both a dictionary and thesaurus on hand when you write. Words are like tools and you need to use them correctly in order to write well. This is a suggestion and I really hope I don't upset or offend you. I want my comments to be useful and help to improve your talent. These are just some things I have noticed that I think you need to improve on. Please don't let any of what I write here discourage you because I think you are doing a wonderful job and I really like your story (otherwise I would not have bothered reading past the first chapter). I also rate people's work quite harshly - saving top marks only for the ones where I am rendered speechless because they are so good! Another thing I noticed is the use of the word "babble" in this sentence: ""Oh hi Dr. Washington called me and asked me to come.." Claire started to babble. " I really didn't think she said enough here to be described as babbling. Again, just my opinion. Things are starting to get a little strange here but I will read on and see what happens next...