Growing Up

“I wish I could be a mermaid. It would be so cool!” Sighed Zoe. When Zoe was 9yrs old she had always dreamed of being a mermaid, her room was covered with posters and dolls of mermaids and everyday she would go down to the local pool and swim even in winter.

Although those things never last do they? As time went by the dolls were replaced by make-up and the posters of mermaids were ripped down and cute boys went up instead. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re a teenager. Zoe went to school at St. Artemis High school she was best friends with Claire, Claire Tones that is. Claire was adopted but she really didn’t want to know who her real parents were.

Zoe didn’t understand Claire, Claire never touched water she didn’t even drink it! She drank this cordial stuff and instead of sugar she put salt in it! Everyone thought she was weird in fact Zoe was Claire’s only friend.

“Hey Claire, only two days until the swimming carnival have you thought of an excuse yet?” Asked Zoe, the swimming carnival was always a major event and it was compulsory. But Zoe knew Claire had because Claire always does. Sometimes she makes them up on the spot but Zoe knew she was prepared for the swimming carnival. “Ok. How about these

1.      My families too poor to buy the schools togs.

2.      I’m allergic to water

3.      I can’t swim.”

“Claire the best excuse out of those would be number 3. I mean our bodies are 80% water and the schools togs cost $5.00.”                                    
 “Zo, what happens if I can’t think of an excuse I’ll have to…to…..swim!”
“What’s with you its just water, you can’t even get the tips of your toes wet or you’ll freak out!” 

 

Reviews

[Carolyn]

Hey thanks for the advice I've added the changes review it again and thankyou for taking the time for reviewing my work (all of it) I shall try and edit it all and make it better.

[LaineyBeetle]

First of all I am just curious as to what age group you had in mind as your audience for this book? The book sounds like a lot of fun and I think it is great subject matter for a young audience. The writing is very simple and easy for young kids to digest. I think it needs a little polishing work but so far so good. I think children will relate to these characters and the anxiety Zoe feels about participating in the school swimming carnival. I was just wondering why you didn't give a reason for Zoe not wanting to swim? (Although, I haven't read the next chapter yet so I may be jumping the gun). There are a few things I found distracting in this chapter - one of them being this sentence in particular: "Although those things never last do they, as time went by the dolls were replaced by make-up and the posters of mermaids were ripped down and cute boys went up instead." I thought this sentence could have been broken up into two seperate sentences with a question mark after "those things never last do they" and a comma placed after last so it reads like this: "Although those things never last, do they? As time went by the dolls were replaced by make-up and the posters of mermaids were ripped down and cute boys went up instead." The question there and also the talking style of this sentence: "Anyway Zoe went to school at St. Artemis High school she was best friends with Claire, Claire Tones that is." confuses me as to who is telling the story. Is this a narration? Rather than reading like a book it sounds a little bit like someone has dictated an outline for their story plot into a recording device and then typed it up. I write like this for myself when I am trying to decide how I want to write my next story and then rewrite it to read like it came out of a book. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with writing like this. The kids might even appreciate it in this style - I just wasn't sure if it was your intention to make it sound that way or not. And, just as a personal preference I probably would have written "dreamed" in the place of the word "dreamt" in that second sentence. It just sounds a bit better to me - but again - that's just a personal preference and others may disagree. A sentence I particularly enjoyed was this ""Claire the best excuse out of those would be number 3. I mean our bodies are 80% water and the schools togs cost $5.00." I thought it was clever and humorous and it made me laugh which is great! And when you mentioned that she added salt instead of sugar to her cordial I thought it was a nice touch! In fact, I may even have to go look at the next chapter to find out what happens next :) Well done! Keep up the good work!