Dream

I heart MARKIMOO

Chpt 1

Some nights
I imagine sleeping in the same bed as you
Staring into each other's eyes every night
Watching you smile at me when I sleep and when I wake
It's a great feeling
I see the pure white blankets
And you're laying on your arm
Staring directly at me
And I stare back
And we just stare
Until I fall asleep
But I know you're still watching me drift away every night
Because my dreams would feel comforting
And I'd always feel so safe with you right beside me
I'd also imagine watching you fall asleep
And I would just stare at your curved eyelashes
And your beautiful black "poof" hair
And your nose
And your lips
And your thin beard
And I wonder if it's possible to smile when you're asleep
Because you're always doing that
When I would watch over you
At night

I imagine this
- what my friends called a "crazy fanfiction" -
For sweet dreams at night
And it never failed me
But I feel alone
I want a boyfriend just like Markiplier
Somebody who cares and puts others before himself
Somebody who cries for people he can't see
I want a boyfriend just like him
Who's as comforting as Mark would've been
If he was mine

I began to drift off
Into an adventurous dream
Wishing for it to be about Markiplier
Please
And before I know it
My imagination takes me to a dirty alleyway
I see a black cat hiss at me and run away
And a mouse crawl into a crack on the sidewalk
And here I am,
Sitting against a dumpster
I can feel grease on my back
But no phone in my pocket
Sh*t,
I thought
What a great way to start off a dream
For a couple minutes, I decided to look around
There's another dumpster, there's some lone trash bags and an ant hill,
Oh look, a hornets nest -_-
And a trashy-looking tree
The tree had red and yellow and green leaves and some trash on it
Some parts were beautiful,
But others were just plain disgusting
It made me feel a million different emotions at once
It's almost like a reminder of life
Cuz every tree is different

That's when I heard taps, something like footsteps
Tap, tap, tap, tap
It was getting closer
Like something out of a horror movie

As a dark shadow approached,
I tried to quietly hide behind one of the dumpsters
But last minute,
Decided not to
Because they looked GROSSSS
So there I stood,
Vulnerable to my own surroundings
And whatever was approaching.
I decided to stand still
Because now the sounds were so close
They'd hear my foot hitting the floor
If I tried to run away
That's when I saw the sun
It's light reflected off a pair of glasses
And it was making light reflect at me
Like a flashlight in the middle of the dark
I'm caught,
I thought to myself
That's when he stared at me
And his smile turned into a frown
But I could've sworn
I think I saw this smile before
"Awe,"
Said a somewhat familiar voice
I heard shuffling,
But blinded by the sun's ray,
I couldn't see what was going on
Thats when I barely saw a hand
With green paper in it
Approaching me
It blocked out the sun
And I could finally see the face of this man
And in shock,
I could recognize him
I found out why I had sensed a feeling of déjà vu earlier
This was
The one and only
Markiplier

After about a whole 15 seconds of staring, I heard him say, "Take it"
I was still in shock, but accepted the money
I looked down for the first time ever since recognizing who was in front of me
I counted the money
He just gave me $50
I could not speak
I didn't know what to say
Or where I was
Or how I could possibly survive this dream
Nothing
So all I was able to say was a mere whisper
"Thank you,"
He nodded
And smiled a sweet smile
But his eyebrows still curved
He looked sad
The face of happy sadness cant be described
It's just like a war between happiness and sadness
But I'm guessing the sadness took over this round
Because he asked if there's anything he could do to help
I still couldn't believe my eyes
Am I seriously meeting the one and only MARKIPLIER??
I felt like crying
Which is exactly what happened
That's when, right then and there, I felt a pouring waterfall form in my tear ducts
Like a dam ready to burst
And it did
It sure did
It came fast and hard
And loud
And I began to sweat
Not only because I was crying
It's also because I was embarrassed
My hair stuck to my face
And my tears got into my shirt
I knew I looked stupid
But he could see past that,
That's when he picked me up and gave me a hug
I could feel him hugging me around my neck and shoulders
And I cried on HIS shoulder
And we were rocking back and forth forever
It probably felt wet and sticky and gross
But he never let go
Then later,
As the crying died down,
I realized that the whole time,
Mark had been whispering kind and comforting words
Right next to my ear
"It'll be okay, you'll be fine, don't worry, don't cry, I'm right here, everything will be alright, you'll feel better soon, you're fine, calm down, breathe slow, breathe slow, breathe slow..."
Once I was finally calm, he looked into my eyes
"I can help you," he said, and smiled
I could tell happiness won this round
Because I smiled too
"But how? Why? I'm nothing to you. You're Ma-"
I was about to say his name, but caught myself just in time
"...making me feel better, though. Thank you."
If he found out that I knew him, he'd think this was all on purpose and I was using him for something!
"I'll help take care of you. And you're very special to me, even if I knew you or not." He replied.
I looked down to cover my shyness. He made me feel all warm inside, like I didn't need a blanket or a house, just Markiplier.
"And you're not "nothing," he continued.
I looked up at his eyes.
"We're all worth saving. That's why I'm here."
Then he walked me home
His home, specifically
I had to get used to holding a celebrities hand
And I had to get used to the fact that everything was fake
I almost cried at that
Because I knew this was all a dream
But I decided not to
And kept moving forward
I still couldn't get that conversation out of my head
He said I wasn't nothing
Yet he found me leaning on a dumpster in a dirty alleyway
I surely am nothing
I don't even know my name
Is it still Carolina?
Or did my name switch in this dream?
What was my story?
How did I get here?
Where did I come from?
And most importantly,
What am I supposed to do now?
As we neared his house
I realized how large it was
It has real nice windows and walls,
A pool,
And even a special lock to get in
As we stood at the door
And as he was inputting the super long combination,
He asked me where I came from
Honestly, I wasn't sure
I had no clue
It's like I've been living someone's life forever but got knocked out
Forgot everything,
And was thrown beside a dumpster
Maybe I was clinging for a better life
Ever since I was stuck in that alleyway
No money
No food
No water
No home
"I don't know,"
I said
He unlocked the door
But didn't move
He stared at me
"You...you don't know?"
He asked with such curiosity
And such sadness in his eyes
I began to think it was a mistake
Not to make something up
"I..." I began, tears forming in my eyes
"I don't remember anything!"
He had a questioning look
But still was nice to me
"You don't need to cry," he said
"The past is behind you. Just look ahead."
He smiled and gestured towards the doorway
Once I stepped inside, I couldn't believe what I was seeing
Beautiful blue carpets
A clean, white couch
TONS of video games
A huge flatscreen TV
A soft and comfy looking carpet
Pokemon posters
Markiplier posters
Fan made items
Tiny box time plushies
And everything thing amazing and colorful
That a gamer like him could imagine having
It was almost like paradise
I stood there, jaw dropping down so low it probably reached hell
It must've gone pretty far down
Because I'm sure I was in heaven
Mark walked in like it was no big deal
But I saw him smile a little bit
He probably imagined me being a clueless girl who just visited a CELEBRITY without even knowing
But I sure did
"Wow," was all I could utter
"Thank you." He replied. "I actually built some of this stuff. Like that smaller computer over there."
"You built a computer???" I said. Even I didn't know he could do that. Then again, he did study engineering.
"Actually, I used to study engineering in college-" (so called that) "- but never graduated."
"Well how come?"
"...Let's just say things got in the way and I didn't really have the time or money."
"Then how did-"
"Say, you hungry?" He interrupted me. Haha, silly Markimoo!
-Trying to hide his secret from me so I don't tell anybody where he lives.
I wouldn't anyways, though.
Hehe.
It's funny
He actually believes I'm just a clueless little girl.
He's so caring and so cute!
And this whole thing is all proof!
"Yeah, actually" I said. "I don't think I remember the last time I ate!"
"Let's get you something, then."
He rummaged through his really big fridge.
"What are you hungry for?"
It's questions like these that I'm too shy to answer. I'm always so nervous that I might say something rude. I don't know. I'm just like that.
"Anything's fine, thanks..."
"You allergic to anything?" He asked.
Holy s**t. I don't know. I know Carolina isn't allergic to anything, but am I really Carolina?
So I decided to yolo.
"I don't think so," I replied, unsure of anything.
I needed to know who I was.
I needed a mirror.
"Um, sir, may I use a bathroom?" I asked, remembering not to say his name or he'd be suspicious.
"Sure. It's down the hall, 2nd on the left."
"Thanks!" I smiled.
As I made my way to the hallway, I heard a "Oh and one more thing," coming from the kitchen.
"Yes?" I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. He was looking back.
"Call me Mark."
I smiled.
"Oh and Mark,"
I said
"Yeah?"
And even though I wasn't sure about it, I replied,
"Call me Carolina."
That's when I made my way back into the hallway,
Opened the 2nd door to the left,
Turned on the lights,
And looked into the mirror
"Carolina..." I heard him murmur to himself
And that's exactly who stared back at me


Chpt 2


I was glad to see myself in the mirror, but frowned once I saw what I was wearing.
I'm not gonna describe it, but let's just say I've probably been an ugly, smelly hobo for a couple of days-
My stomach grumbled
-Or weeks.
I still couldn't get over the fact that I was with Markiplier
Or that I was in his house
Or that I was in his bathroom
I looked around. His bathroom was all pretty and clean and smelled like really expensive colognes and soaps.
I have to admit, he had so many that I sprayed them on each of my fingers to see which one smelled the best.
I think I really liked the green one called "From love"
That's when I decided to exit the bathroom. Making sure to flush (so he knew I wasn't just messing around) and washing the cologne off my hands, I walked back into the kitchen. Mark had already placed a big bowl of leftover spaghetti in the microwave and was waiting for it for finish.
"Hi" he said
"Hey" I replied
"So...umm," he began. It was already awkward. "Do you remember anything?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
I hope it's not about how I ended up in that alleyway!
"Like, how did you end up where I found you?"
S**t. This is it.
I stared at the floor. Should I just make something up? Should I just leave him wondering? He'll never trust me any easier if I lie to him or say nothing. Ugh, just respond already! He's starting to get suspicious!
"I don't know." I said, like I did last time. And so he wouldn't be left as curious as before, I added, "All I remember is that I was out of the house. And then this man came. And then..." I pretended to try and recall what happened, when instead, I was thinking about what I should add next. "And then I don't know. I don't remember where I live or what I was doing or anything. Just my name I guess."
He listened carefully to everything I was saying. "Well, we gotta find a way to help get you home." He said. "And if you really don't remember where it is, we gotta call the cops and let them know. And soon, everything will be back to normal and you'll be with your family again." He smiled at me. "Until then, I'll help you get settled."
For a couple seconds we just stared at each other. I had so many questions but very few answers. It was probably the same for him, too. It's funny how we have our own little secrets but I actually have a couple more.
Including that I know about his big secret.
And then the microwave beeped a couple times and the spaghetti was ready. Mark then grabbed a plate for me and spooned most of the spaghetti from the bowl onto my plate.
"Thank you." I said. Mark didn't reply, though. He just watched me eat. It was starting to feel a little weird. What was he thinking? Was it my ugly clothes? Am I too fat? Or is he wondering if I'm just a fangirl with really good acting skills?
I tried to break the silence.
"Aren't you gonna eat?" I asked him.
"Nah. I'm not really hungry."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"K..."
After about 5 minutes of awkward silence, and constant staring at me and me trying to ignore it, I was done eating. You might be surprised that I finished a whole plate of spaghetti in only 5 minutes, but lemme tell you, I rushed. Like hell. I really wanted to be done and do something else. This was getting way too awkward.
Once he saw me scrape up and swallow the last piece, he offered to clean it up for me.
"I got it," I said. I hand washed and dried the plate and placed it where I saw Mark take if from earlier. And the whole time he watched me. It's the clothes, I thought. It has to be the clothes.
When I finished I turned towards him. He had his phone in his hands. "I'm gonna call them, okay? You'll be home soon."
He was calling the police. I was panicking inside, but tried to remain calm and collected on the outside. It's only a dream, I told myself. If it was getting too horrible I could just pinch myself and wake up.
But I didn't want to. Really.
I wanted to stay with Mark forever.
"Yeah hello officer, I have a girl here who I found in an alley by herself and she doesn't remember where she used to live or what happened. I brought her home -my home- and fed her but she needs to go to her home...yeah, yeah she's right here." He passed the phone to me. It felt warm and smelled new. "They're on their way," he said
"Hello?" I said softly
"Hey there. What's your name?" Said a lady at the other end.
"My name..." I began to dose off. I'm talking with the police... "My name is Carolina."
"Ok." I heard her scribble something down.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
I stared at the floor. "...no."
The lady was kind of surprised. "'No'? Honey you can tell mr anything. We're here to help you."
"I'm just not sure that anything I'm picturing wasn't really just my imagination."
"What do you think happened?"
"...I'm guessing I was going somewhere. But I can't understand how I turned out like this."

The conversation was long and useless. I never said anything. No hints, clues, - nothing.
Once the line dropped (actually I hung up on when Mark wasn't looking) Mark asked me why I never told her about the man.
"Because," I explained. "I'm not sure it happened now."
"Huh?"
"I thought of a million things that could've happened and I think 'the man' was one of them."
"But... Then how do we know for sure?"
"The police will help find out. But til then, I don't know."


Chpt 3

Well, even after a full investigation, a million questions, and even a sample of my own DNA, they still couldn't find out what the heck happened. Neither could I. It was all just a dream. I didn't really exist. None of them did. But if I told them that, they'd think I was crazy and would have to keep me in a straight jacket in a cushiony room filled with pillows. And even though that sounds really good right now, it won't if it happens.

After they left, I didn't know what to say or what to do.
I was all alone in this dream world.
Nobody to talk to except Mark
I wondered if my friends still existed
I remembered how their faces looked
How they would tell jokes
How we'd laugh uncontrollably
Until we got yelled at
I wanted to tell them that I just met Markiplier
I wanted to tell them I just saw his bathroom
And tried all of his colognes on each of my fingers
I wanted to tell them that he had fan art and letters all over the place
I wanted to tell them that everything was a dream
A dream come true

But there was nobody there to tell

"Hey, are you okay?"
It was Mark.
I didn't want to cry again, so I wiped my eyes with my hand
But it spread and stuck in my cheek
"Yeah...*hiccup* I guess so."
He thought to himself for a little while.
"Wanna go shop for some new clothes?"
I think the tears came back
Because I felt like crying again
I loved shopping with my friends
If only I had my iPad and could text them
And tell them I wasn't dead
"Uh-huh." I replied, but really wanting to throw up more than going shopping

Mark and I walked outside and entered his mini van. I sat in the passenger seat as he drove. I found some tissues in my pocket and wiped my eyes with it.
"Carolina," he said after backing out of his driveway. "I know it hurts not knowing where you came from, but maybe you should start thinking about the positives."
"I know what you mean." I replied. "And I'm glad I'm here now. But I guess I just miss my friends.
"Friends?" He asked with curiosity
"Yeah. We would always laugh and talk and they all mean a lot to me..."
"Really?"
"Yeah. But I'm afraid."
"You don't have to worry. You're safe." He reminded me
"I know. But they don't know that. They might be wondering where I am and why I'm not showing up at school or texting them back."
I began to freak out a little. "What if they think I'm dead? What if they feel miserable and nervous the rest of their lives, thinking they're next every day? What if they can't sleep if they hear any sounds at night?" I feared the worst. "What if they can't get help if it goes too far?" I whimpered
"Listen.." he began. "We, we don't know what might happen. I mean, you know, It's nice that you're worrying about their health, but worrying is not good for YOUR health. I mean, sure, anything can happen, but there's really nothing we can do about it."
After a long pause of thought, he asked "Why do you think that'll happen?"
"Like, worry?"
"No, of course they'll worry. It's just - w - what makes you think they can't get help if it goes too far?"
I tried to ignore him,
But I just couldn't.
I knew exactly how to answer,
But I didn't want to.
She gave me anxiety and fear and depression and I knew exactly what her name was.
"Later," was all I said.
Mark turned his head, eyes focused on the road in front of him. And even though I couldn't see tears, I saw his eyes were a little shinier than usual

Chpt 4

Once we reached the store, he helped me pick out some clothes. We were in a perkier mood than before, so we actually had... fun. I reminded myself to have as much fun as possible because I was going to miss it by the time I woke up.
We did lots of things. First, we grabbed a cart and put some clothes into it. Later, Mark tried to help out as well, but because he isn't a girl he didn't know a thing about fashion! He would pick out super weird outfits and would show me and be totally surprised when I told them they looked awful. Then, many ugly outfits later, he snickered and said, "Oh, haha. Well, I am very well known for giving fashion advice." And then soon we had competitions to see who could find the ugliest shirt.

It was a lot of fun. But of course, we went our separate ways when I went to get underwear and bras. Meanwhile, Mark got himself some clothes too, because he had some old ones that didn't fit him anymore
"You probably need the same size shirt, but bigger sleeves!" I joke
He laughed and told me that actually he thinks he's been letting himself go lately.
"Really? But you look great!"
"I know. I'm fabulous aren't I?" He smiled real big. "A couple minutes on the treadmill will take care of that, though."
I laughed and we moved forward.

After getting everything we needed, we got in line, with a mountain of clothes so big that we had to be careful not to move too quickly with the cart.

Once we got back to the car, we stuffed the bags of clothes into the trunk and shut the door. That's when he sat down and started the car.
"Oh, gosh." He said, looking at his watch. "I'm gonna be late!"
"Late for what?" I asked him. But I think I already knew. This conversation is going to suck for Mark, I thought to myself.
"Umm," He began backing up. "I have some work to do." He made his way into the street.
"Oh cool!" I said. "What work?"
"Uhh...jeez. It's...um, I work for YouTube."
"Really? Wow! You must make millions!"
"Well yeah, but that doesn't really matter..."
I almost felt bad for him. I saw sweat on his forehead. But I really needed him to spill his guts. I won't even make it a big deal. It's just that if we were ever gonna live together, I'd have to know sometime. He'd need to tell me that he's Markiplier.
"But what do you do?" I asked him
"Uh, I make let's play videos."
"Oh, I should subscribe to you if I get the chance, what your channel called?"
"Markiplier"
...
"Cool."

I heard him take a big breath and let it go. What's done is done.

One less secret to keep from him.

Once we reached home, Mark asked me if I wanted to take a shower and then change into my new clothes. He probably didn't want me to interrupt him while he was recording down in his basement.
As I showered, I thought about how sweet Mark really is. He is a strong man but is also so gentle. I was actually happy that I was with him, even though my family and friends aren't here. Maybe that's just how it's like for Mark every single day. Maybe this dream isn't just a fairy tale, but a Markiplier Simulator. He must be so alone. Why doesn't he get a girlfriend? I mean come on, he's 25.
Oh, well.

When I got out of the shower, I couldn't choose what to wear, but because I knew it would probably be another hour until I saw Mark again, I was glad I had so many different clothes to choose from. In the end, I chose a navy blue tank top and white shorts. Once I was in front of the basement stairs, I tried to hear what he was saying. I stayed like that for a while until I heard him say his outro.

"And as always, I will see you in the next video! Buh-bye!"

I proceeded down the stairs just as Mark was beginning to edit the video he had just made.

"Oh, hey." He said, looking up for about a second, then looking back down at his computer.
"Hi!" I replied. I tried to look over his shoulder to see what game he played. "What game is that?" I asked.
"Oh, this is just some flash game I found online. It looked pretty fun, so I gave it a shot."
"How long does it take you to edit?"
"Well, it really depends on what type of game it is.
If it's a puzzle game,
I might need to edit a few parts out if I'm confused so that my viewers don't get bored watching me walk around some map forever like a brainless potato."
He laughed.

"If it's an exciting game
with different plots and twists and is really funny
I might not need to do much editing at all.
It really all depends on keeping it fun to watch
And leaning less towards the dull side."

"That's really smart." I said
"Yeah, I'm a whiz." He laughed again.
His laugh is so cute,
Like I just want to hug him.

"You hungry?" He asked
"I mean, a little bit"
"You like pizza?"
And once again I do believe I am in heaven
"Are you kidding me? I LOVE pizza!"
"Alright! I'll order us one. What do you like on your pizza?"
"Just pepperoni."
"Got it." Then he smiled his cute smile once again.



Chpt 5

We watched some TV while eating the pizza. We would have a whole conversation on how to pronounce "Caribbean" during commercials, and during the shows we would laugh our heads off. Just imagining his laughter makes me smile :)

Midnight came by faster than we thought it would. We dressed into our pajamas and Mark let me sleep in the guest room while he slept in his own room.
This loneliness left me plenty of time to think about everything.
I thought about how Mark is so sweet and caring
I thought about my family and my friends
And if I would every see them again
Then I thought about how it would feel to dream in a dream
Once I fell asleep

Then I focused my mind back on my family and friends
I'd love to tell them everything
I met Markiplier!
We went shopping!
We ate pizza!
I had fun!
But then I realized
What if everything Mark has done for me
Was just a distraction
From my life
And from my worries
And my sadness
And my anxiety?
What if he didn't really like me?
What if he was just faking it?
What if he only acted like this towards his fans
And knew I was one of them?
What if he was just tired of hearing me cry?
These thoughts bounced all around my head like a game of ping pong
Sped up 400 times
The room was shaking
I just couldn't breathe
"HE HATES ME!" I yelled
I heard him running towards me
But I didn't care
"HE HATES ME HE HATES ME!"
I began to cry.
That's when he ran into my room and stopped at the door
"What happened? Are you okay?"
I had my back turned to him.
It all made sense
THIS is why he was watching me the whole day
THIS is why he didn't want me bothering him when he was recording
It was just a lame excuse for me to get away from him!
My head hurt
My shoulders twitched
And my heart ached
I was breathing heavily
He
Is
A
Liar
"Oh my God."
He yelled
"What happened??"
I did not respond
"CAROLINA!" He yelled at the top of his lungs
That's when he flattened me down onto the mattress
So he could see my face
"Why are you crying? Did u hurt yourself?"
I continued to twitch
"You... hurt me."
"Did I? My god I am so sorry!
Where does it hurt?"
"My heart..." I answered
Mark stared at me for a second
And I was double breathing
Then he leaned over and hugged me
He hugged so tight I felt like I was gonna suffocate
But I hugged tighter
And I just laid there, hugging him
"Carolina," he whispered
"Are you okay now?"
"Y-yeah."
"Now tell me," he said softly
"How did I hurt you?"
"You lied." I said
"I-" he began
"You lied.
You don't love me
You don't even like me
You think I'm a bother
You stared at me during lunch
I know what you were thinking
You were thinking 'Why the hell did I let her in here?'
And 'I should have never brought her here'
And 'she's annoying'
And 'she's fat'
And 'she's ugly'"
Mark listened to every word
He pulled me back from his shoulder
And made me stare right into his eyes
He was in shock
And he was sad
And he couldn't find the words
I had plenty
But he shushed me
"Why do you think I would think that?"
He finally asked
Now I couldn't find the words
And I cried again
Because I honestly had no idea
I scared him for no reason
"I'm just such a burden!"
I fell onto his shoulder again
And for what seemed like forever
We just sat there
And then he finally whispered
"I'm sorry"
To hear words again
Especially from him
It felt good
"I'm sorry if it looked like I was only being nice
I have to admit
I did a lot of these things because
I felt sorry for you
But I do care
I care for everybody
Especially if they've been hurt
I'm so sorry
I just..."
I heard his voice crack
"I just want to make you happy"
He sniffed
And I heard him
Struggling not to cry
I felt terrible for making mark cry
I felt terrible for thinking of him as a liar
Then after sitting for what seemed like hours
I pretended to sleep on his shoulder
To see if he would stay
And once he thought I was asleep,
He held me and lowered me down
And laid right next to me


Chpt 6


Early the next morning,
I looked to my left
And there he was,
My Markimoo
Sleeping peacefully
Beside me
I still couldn't believe it
Not only did I sleep
With happiness in my heart
But I could see Mark was also happy
By the way he smiled in his sleep

His glasses were still on his face
I guess he forgot to take them off
Then I looked closer
I could see TEARS on his glasses
He did cry,
I thought
He really does care!
I was thinking about holding him
In a hug
While he slept
But decided not to
Out of fear that he wouldn't like it
So I decided it was best if I just got up
I looked over at the watch on his wrist
"9:37" it read
Yeah
He should be getting up soon
So I got up slowly
And made my way into the kitchen
Maybe I could make pancakes or something for him
I checked the fridge
And the cabinets
And the table
But couldn't find anything to make for him
So I crawled back in bed
Hoping for him to awaken
And as I waited
I daydreamed about him
I felt so much better to be around somebody
That's probably why I freaked out last night
It was dark
And cold
And I was so afraid by my surroundings,
I distracted myself with my evil imagination
Telling myself that Mark didn't care
But now that he's here beside me
And it's bright outside
And it's warm here next to him
I can finally have peace in mind
And in heart
He's the only thing that calms me
And if I had to be stuck with one person in this wonderful dream,
I was so glad it was somebody who loved me
And cares
And actually cried for me

That's when he woke up
"Good morning" he said
He stared into my eyes
And I smiled right back at him
"Morning, Mark"
That's when he put his arms around me
So I guessed I had permission to do the same
And we just laid there
And then he took his glasses off of his face
And put it on the desk behind him
And just rested his forehead
On mine
And it felt warm
And relaxing
"Mark," I began
"Yeah?"
"L-last night... I...I didn't mean what I said.
Honest.
What I really think
Is you're the sweetest
Most kindhearted person
I've ever met"
He smiled
"And, and I'm sorry for what I said.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't need to cry
It was all my fault
For being stupid
Your so caring and wonderful
I don't deserve anybody
As great as you are."

He listened to my voice
I listened to his heart beat
And I could taste his breath on mine
"It's ok"
Was all he said
"It's ok
Its ok
It's ok"

And then ran his fingers through my hair
And I played with his hair
And we just stayed like this forever
As if
It was
A dream


Chpt 7


After we both decided on getting up
We made a late breakfast together
And ate it together
Sitting across from each other
Staring into each others' eyes
And having serious conversations
Like a married couple
It was like a dream come true
Yet it would never come true

That day, I was watching some television
While Mark was doing something on his phone
I wasn't sure what, though
But he was smiling and frowning
And tilting his head sideways in confusion
Is he taking selfies again?
It made me giggle at how cute he looked doing that
"Watchu doin', Markimoo?" I asked him
He made one of his impressions "EHE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! IM JUST... UHH... LOOK AT THAT WALL!"
I laughed and sat next to him
"Ok but seriously."
"Taking selfies, haha"
"Ooh let's take one!"
"Mkay!" He and I smiled together and he took the picture.

Oh god I love him

About an hour later, Mark told me to get ready to go out.

"Go out? But where?" I giggled.
"You'll love it, I promise." He assured me
"Okayyyy!"

After putting on my make up and a nice shirt and dark jeans,
And after mark put his new clothes on,
We walked to the car together.

He opened the door for me and fastened my seatbelt. Then he sat in the driver's seat and shut the door. He then twisted the key and brought the car to life. As he drove, I saw it get darker and darker out.
We had the radio on full blast
And my hair flowed in the wind
And we were laughing the whole way through but didn't know why
It's like we were chasing the stars and the moon,
Which was right in front of us
"Ok but really," I said in between laughs. "where are we going?"
"Somewhere," was all he said

That's when about 30 minutes passed, and I could see the moon hanging right above us in the middle of a parade of stars.
Buildings and restaurants started to become more and more scarce
And stars became more and more visible
Where were we going?

Mark parked at around the edge of a cliff
"We're here." He smiled.
His glasses glistened from the reflection of the moon
"Where are we?" I asked him, scanning my surroundings
"I come here whenever I feel stuck or I need to think or if I simply have a craving for the wonders of space." He said
"But today, it's because I wanted to show you the wonderful view."
He walked to the trunk of the car and grabbed a soft picnic blanket, and some fruits.

I gasped

"Oh my god Mark, this is so romantic!" I yelled.
Excitement rushed over my body and I jumped out and hugged him in such a quick motion that a couple grapes fell down onto the floor and rolled down the grass-covered hill.
"It is, isn't it?" He smiled at me and I helped him with setting up.
I was still in awe. "You know," I began. "You didn't have to do this."
"Too late," he replied.
Then we laid down onto the soft blanket and stared at the wonders of space.
Ah, it was beautiful. I felt so comfortable cuddling with him under the moonlight.
"I love space," Mark said, laying with his hands behind his head
"Me too." I smiled at him.
That's when I got flash backs of Alien Isolation.
He
Loves
Space!
That's right! He said that in his Alien Isolation Let's Play that I watched in Brazil!
"I remember going to Brazil..."
Mark turned to me. "You do? You remember something?"
"Yeah. It was like a couple months ago..."
He payed full attention to everything I had to say.
"...and every night I would look out the window of our room and see the moon and the stars and I would see its reflection in the lake and smile."

I didn't tell him this, but I also remembered the crisp, cold, breaths I would take when I opened the window and it just felt so relaxing. And I would remember watching Pewdiepie and Markiplier and BuzzFeed and just laying on my tummy on my gramma's bed.

"Really?" He responded. "It is an amazing thing to see. But every night? I'm always too busy to come here every night. You're so lucky."
"But you know what this reminds me of?" He asked me
"No, what?"
"To the Moon. It's about -"
"-how a team of two go into a dying old mans memories to change things to make him think that he actually flew to the moon with River by his side?"
He seemed shocked. "Yeah...!"
"I played it once," I lied.
"Me too. I even posted it to my channel."
"I loved that game. But it always made me cry. It always leaves me worrying of getting old and dying.
Mark was in shock once again. "Me too..."
I turned and faced him "Why you?" I asked
"My dad..." He began.
"Oh, I've heard. My friend told me about a 'Draw My Life' you made. I'm so sorry."
"It's fine," he said. "Many people have dealt with much worse things than this."
I fingered the grass. "One of my friends," I began
"One of my friends lost her MOM to cancer this year. And I'm worried about her."
He stared at me. "Is this why you were so worried about your friends 'not getting help if it goes too far' if they're super worried about you being dead?"
"Yeah. I'm always thinking about her."
"I'm always thinking about my dad." He said.
He looked away, with sadness in his eyes. Was he gonna cry?
I inched closer to him and held his hand.
"Hey Mark," I said.
He turned to me, his eyes glimmering with tears.
"'I love you, so much,'" I said, which were his dad's last words exactly.
That's when he cried, right then and there.
I don't think I ever saw a grown man cry so much.
And I hugged him.
And he hugged back
And I thought of Laura's mom
And I cried too.

Chpt 8

That night,
We just cuddled outside
Under the stars
And then I fell asleep on his chest
Until about 1:00 in the morning
When Mark woke me up
And told me we shouldn't sleep out here
And even though we were both very tired
We packed our things
And drove back home

During the drive, though,
I caught Mark almost falling asleep
So I shook his shoulder
"Mark, stay awake."
"Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry Carebear."
I laughed. "'Carebear'? Where'd you hear that from?"
"Oh, I dunno, I just thought it'd be a cool nick name. Because, I AM TOTALLY COOL!"
He giggled.
"You know," I began. "I haven't heard anybody call me that for a while."
"What? Am I not the genius inventor of this fabulous name?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Because I'm gonna use that name forever now, love." He said
Omg omg omg
Did he just call me "love"???
Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?
So he really does love me...
"Awe." Was all I said,
Even though there were a million things I wanted to say
But I knew that every second that passed made it a second closer to the end
So many questions,
Yet so little time
I wanted to tell him someday
That I love him
And I want him to say that he loves me too
And I wanted to talk to him
And explain to him that this was all a dream
And I wanted to ask him if he already knew
And I wanted to find out if we were both dreaming the same dream
Together
And if he would think of me when he woke up
Or if he would just forget everything

But what I wanted most of all
Is that we would meet in real life someday
After trying to remember as much as possible
And searching continuously
Until we find each other again
And continue our dream together
Except in real life

But before I could say anything
We had already reached his driveway
And Mark was already beginning to walk out
Maybe another time,
I thought to myself as I unbuckled my seatbelt
And walked right behind him

I went straight to bed,
The one in the guest room
I don't know about Mark though
I think he forgot to record today
So I'm guessing he was recording another video
Before he went to bed

About 20 minutes later,
Right as I was about to fall asleep,
I heard footsteps in the hallway.
I peeked, only to see a dark figure
Peering back at me from the bedroom door
And then continue to walk down the hallway

How strange,
I thought he was going to sleep with me again tonight
I shrugged and closed my eyes

"Hey!" I heard Mark yell. "What are you doing here?"

That's when I heard the c**k of a gun
And slow footsteps
I felt my heart race
"Get out!" He yelled
The foot steps stopped
"Give me your equipment..."
A strange voice said
"...or I'll shoot you."
I could hear a gasp
And I could see the shadow of a man
Pointing a gun at the other
And the unarmed shadow began to shake
"Take it!" He pleaded.
"Aww, but that would be too easy," the man whined playfully.
"What else do you want?" Mark asked him. "Whatever it is, you can have it!"
"Your life," he replied, stepping closer. "and the girl's."
"No..." Mark answered. "Not hers. Please."
I heard his voice crack as he begged.
"But I will have it."
The man began to turn around, slowly making his way down the hallway, to the guest's room.
"DON'T!" Mark yelled. "PLEASE! DON'T! I'LL DO ANYTHING! SHE'S INNOCENT! YOU DON'T NEED TO KILL HER! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!"
Mark sniffed and wiped away a tear. But he still followed him.
"I don't care."
The man was getting closer.
I continued to watch the shadows, too afraid to move.

That's when something happened

One second, Mark was cracking his knuckles.
And the next, Mark had the man pinned down, back to the floor, punching him multiple times in the face until I could see dark red blood spread across the hallway.
And then I heard the deafening shot of the man's gun.
Following that gunshot, I could see the man's gun fall to the floor, and I saw Mark squeeze his left hand and and yell at the top of his lungs.
And then the weirdest thing happened
It like I felt it too

The man...
The man's getting up!
I thought to myself

That's when I remembered something

Mark was born on a military base

He had guns

I even saw them in some of his sketches with Cyndago

But where?

I checked the bedside table
And I quickly opened the bottom drawer

But it was too late
The man was in front of the door,
Pointing a different gun at me, his prey
And in his other hand,
He held Mark up by his hair
Who was on his knees
Unmoving
That's when I ran
I opened the window and ran
My heart pounded
My chest ached
But my feet continued to run

I assumed Mark was dead
Which made my eyes begin to water
But I also imagined him still being alive
Suffering so much pain
That it hurt to move
And probably wanting to cry
Because I left him when he was at HIS worst
Even when he was there when I was at MY worst
Which made my vision blurry from tears

So I decided to stop myself

And turn around.

Oh my god, I thought
Poor Mark.
What if the man took him?
What if Mark died and I'm next?
What would he do to me?
Should I just wake up?
No, I told myself
It's like giving up
This was the best dream ever so far
And I didn't want it to end
And I would never let Mark die without the man getting what he deserved
-Torture of whips and knives
And slits to his body
And then die being hung
Over a fire like hell

As grotesque as it sounded,
Imagining this gave me the energy to run faster
And before I knew it,
I reached the outer wall of his house

I then crawled through the window of the guest room
And saw Mark's body
Laying on the floor
And his blood-covered hand
That's when I came to the conclusion
Mark
Was
Dead
I backed up a little bit,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
Took a deep breath,
And grabbed the gun
That the man dropped
In the hallway
That's when I remembered what happened
When we were talking about his father's death
About his last words
Under the stars

I inched closer to him and held his hand.
"Hey Mark," I said.
He turned to me, his eyes glimmering with tears.
"'I love you, so much,'" I said, which were his dad's last words exactly
That's when he cried, right then and there.

This memory flashed before my eyes as I stared at the man's gun
I don't know why
It just...
Did
I could've cried
But I decided not to
That's when I pointed it in front of me
And there he was
The man
Standing in front of the kitchen
I didn't even know he'd be there
But I could see him cower in fear
And clutch his shirt collar
And I knew it was the perfect chance to finish him
So I placed my finger on the trigger

That's when everything was in slow motion
My finger felt loose and weak and slippery on the trigger
But I pulled it anyways
And I could see the tiny bullet
And how it flew and spun in mid-air
And I watched it make its way deeper into his head
While he yelled his final words,
"Noooo!"
And then...
The man...
Fell down.
That's when I realized
That I just killed somebody
So I scrambled to my feet
And left the kitchen

I walked into the guest room to check on Mark

Once I saw him on the floor,
Covered in blood,
I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a couple rolls of toilet paper
That's when I called the police using the phone in his pocket

"Get here! And quick! You can still save him," was all I said before I hung up and put it back in his pocket
And cried,
Frantically wrapping toilet paper around his hand
Praying that he wasn't dead

Chpt 9

Seconds later, I heard approaching sirens
And car doors slamming
And footsteps
I opened the front door and told them to follow me
"There he is," I said, pointing at Mark
I struggled to keep from crying
Two people from the ambulance put his body on the stretcher and buckled him in.
Then I watched him be rolled out the door.
And during that painful moment, another man asked me what had happened
"He got shot in the hand" was all I said,
Because the police were already asking me questions about the dead man in the kitchen
"H-he," I hiccuped. "He snuck in and shot him and so I ran away and I came back and I shot him in the head and I cried and I got some toilet paper and I wrapped it around his hand and I called you guys to come over fast and I started praying and then you guys came." I said quickly, breathing only at the end.

I'm sorry, Mark,
But I cried again
I tried really hard not to,
But I did.

"But why did you come back? You could've died!" One officer asked me.
"Because," I cried and I swallowed. "Because I was thinking like, like 'what if he wasn't dead yet' because if he wasn't he would want me to save him because he helped me survive with all of my problems so I should help him survive!" I yelled. I didn't even realize how loud and immature I sounded. But I didn't care anymore.

"What was his name honey?"
I cried harder. "'WAS'?" I screamed. "'WAS'?! YOU MEAN 'IS'! MARK'S STILL ALIVE! HE HAS TO BE!"
"Ma'am, please calm do-"
"HE HAS TO BE ALIVE HE'S HELPED SO MANY PEOPLE INCLUDING ME! I LOST MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS AND I ENDED UP IN AN ALLEY SOMEHOW AND HE SAVED ME! AND UNTIL YOU FIND MY FAMILY, HE'S LETTING ME LIVE HERE WITH HIM! WHICH MIGHT BE FOREVER! I MIGHT NEVER HAVE MY FAMILY BACK BUT AS LONG AS I HAVE HIM IM ALRIGHT! BUT NOW THAT HE'S GONE I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!!!"
They just stared at me in shock.
"I'm sorry for yelling," I said calmly. "But he can't be dead. Please."
There was a long pause. And during the whole time, I was double-breathing.
Finally, they asked, "do you want to come with him?"
"Yes," I whispered. "Yes, please."

So they let me stay next to Mark in the ambulance truck
And then we took off to the hospital
I helped the lady who was cleaning Mark's hand on the way
It reminded me of Mark's play-thru of Surgeon Simulator
And how he'd yell "SHUT UP NURSE!"
And I was thinking about yelling it at a nurse by the time he woke up in the hospital bed
To make him laugh so it wouldn't hurt as much
And then in a couple of minutes, we arrived at the hospital.

"You can't go in there, kid." The lady said after Mark passed through the emergency room doors.
"Why not?" I asked her
"Only the patient can be in there right now."
"Then when do I get to be with him?"
"In a couple hours." She answered

And even though I grew impatient, I waited.
Worry and doubt soon took over me though,
And I cried at the 30 minute mark.
He's not gonna make it, I thought
Yes he will, I know he will
It's only a shot to the hand
Yeah, but he lost a lot of blood
So what? They can always replace it
But did he lose enough to die?

It was times like these that I wished I knew more about treating shot wounds

But finally, it was time, and I was able to come and be next to Mark

I was so happy to find out that he was alright

"We already gave him more blood and now all he has to do is heal." The nurse said. "And we took care of his hand, too. Just keep it safe, and he'll fully heal in a couple of months."
"Ohhhh thank you!" I said, and I hugged her.
"No problem. Say, can you stay here and watch over him? I'll be right back."
"Okay." I said. I watched her leave and turned around towards Mark once the door closed behind her.

A smile spread across his face.
"Thank you," he said
I bent over and gave him a hug
He hugged back
"If it wasn't for you, I'd be gone by now."
"I cried so hard, Mark!" I hugged tighter, squeezing my eyes closed so my tears couldn't escape. "It was so scary!"
"Carolina," He pulled me away so we could talk face-to-face. "Tell me everything."

"I saw the whole thing." I whispered. "I saw it when somebody looked at me from the door. I thought it was you, but it wasn't. I saw it when you told the man to get out and he pointed a gun at you. I saw it when you were trembling in fear. I saw it when you tried to save me..."
I began to cry, but I kept going.
"Then I saw you were on top of him, and I heard him shoot you and it was loud. And then you squeezed your hand and I know it hurt cuz I even felt it." I said.
"You did?" He asked me like I was crazy
"Yeah, I did."
"Wow. Then what?"
"Then you fell and he stood at the doorway of my room, and you were on your knees, and he was holding you by your hair with one hand, and with the other, he was pointing another gun at me."
He listened to every word I said.
"But then I did something I regret." I said. "I jumped out the window and I ran. I ran as far as my feet could take me. But then I thought about you and I stopped. I thought about how you've helped me at my darkest times and so I felt like it was my responsibility to save you at yours."
"So I came back," I continued. "And I picked up the gun and I had a flashback. I remembered that time we were talking, up on that hill, under the stars, about your dad. And then I remembered when I held your hand and said 'I love you, so much' just like your dad did. And then I remembered how it felt when we cried. And that's when I decided I wasn't going to lose you." I sniffed.
"So I shot him in the head. Then I tried to stop the blood on your hand by wrapping it with toilet paper. I called the police."
I began to cry. "Mark, I thought you were dead!"

That's when I realized that Mark was crying. He was sniffing and wiping his eyes until there was too much to wipe off. His face was red and he ruffled his hair.

"Carolina," he began. "You might as well be the bravest girl I've ever known. You could've died out there, trying to save me. To be honest, there was nothing wrong with running away. It was the best thing to do. I, I'd prefer it if I was the only one who died than it being the both of us. You really shouldn't have come back - I mean, ya know, I'm glad you did, but - you could've... You could've gotten yourself killed. But thank you for coming back. It really means a lot to me." He wiped his eyes. "Oh, man...I can never repay you enough for literally saving my life."
"Well, I knew you were in a lot of pain. And you've helped so many people. Not repaying you for your help and just...and just LEAVING you... I mean, it'd be the most undeserving way for you to die."
He smiled at me. "Thanks, Carebear."
And I smiled back.

"Mr. Fischbach," the nurse said as she came back into the room. "You're free to go now. Unless you want to spend the night here?"
"No," he said. We'll go."
"But Mark," I said. "We can't go home. It's a crime scene."
"Then we'll just have to go to a hotel." He replied

So after calling a taxi and booking a room, we finally got to lay down and relax.

"What a day," Mark announced as he lay down on the left side of the bed, wearing a pair of sweat pants but no shirt.
"Yeah." I turned to him. "I wonder when we can go back home."
"They'll probably contact us about that." He said. "Until then, this is our home."
"You think it'll take long?"
"I dunno. You think this has happened before?"
I laughed.

I was so glad he was safe
I was so glad I was safe
I was just glad that we were alive
But wait

"Mark?"
"Yeah?"
"What about your fans? This probably made news. And you haven't posted this whole day. They must be worried sick!"
His eyes widened. "Oh my god. How could I forget?!"
He pulled out his phone and began to record.

"Hey guys. It's Markiplier. And I'm... I'm sorry for not posting anything today. We just... something happened. I'm not gonna get in all the details, because I don't want anybody worrying about us. Oh and yeah. I forgot to mention." He turned the camera towards me. "That's Carolina. She saved me when I got injured in my hand. She called 911 and like stopped the blood and I had to go to the hospital again :P ... " he sniffed. "She saved me." He wiped his eyes. "You guys probably don't get it, um, she... she risked her life..." I could tell he was about to cry" just to save me. Plain old me. And I just wanted to make this video thanking her...And you guys - because, you know, we have such a large community and it's just so strong that we're..." He wiped his eyes again. "we're risking our own lives to save somebody else's. We're, we're putting people's needs in front of our own and that's... that's what's most important. - I just want to thank her and you guys for just being so... so awesome. I'm- I, just a person like everybody else. So, just... just thank you."
He turned to me. "Anything you wanna say?"
I looked at him. "YOURE WELCOME." I yelled.
Then we started laughing together and he ended the video.

And after just a few taps of the screen, it was already on YouTube.
He put his phone and glasses down on the table next to him and stared at me.
"Thanks again."
"Hey, don't mention it."
"No but really... Thanks."
I smirked and was about to close my eyes, until I received a small kiss on the cheek.
"I love you, Carebear." I heard him say
I looked at him, wide eyed, turned beet red, raised my hand to my lips, and began to cry. "Mark... I love you too."
And then we embraced each other, crying ourselves to sleep
We laid our foreheads against each other's, and our hearts beat in sync.


Chpt 10



Even as comforting as it was sleeping next to Markiplier,
And finding out that he actually loves me,
I still had nightmares

My first one began in complete darkness
I couldn't even tell if it was dark because my eyes were closed
Or if it was just part of the dream
But then I saw a spotlight shine over me
And I looked down
I was tied in a chair
And there he was,
"The Man",
Holding the spotlight that made me sweat
And then I began to sweat even more
And then I began to cry
But I couldn't leave the chair
But what made it worse
Was a crowd that circled around me
That appeared out of no where
And they all stared at me
Chanting the same words over and over again at me
"Murderer, murderer
The man is innocent
Murderer, murderer
The man is innocent"
And then they all had guns and shot me at the same time

And then I woke up
And gasped
I breathed quickly and heavily
But then Mark held me closer
And I calmed down
And fell asleep again.

Then I had a dream about the time I ran away from "The Man"
But I didn't run back until the next morning
Only to find Mark dead on the guest room floor
Without a pulse
Or any blood left
And I was so disgusted
And disgusted by myself
That I never wanted to look at myself again
So I picked up the gun
And shot it at all the mirrors in the house
Until the last one bounced back
And hit my left hand
And I tried to save myself
But I was losing so much blood
That with the last of my strength,
I crawled into the guest room
So I could die next to Mark
Slowly
And all any neighbors would do is run away like I did
And I would feel the everlasting pain
Until I was finally gone

I woke up again,
But didn't gasp this time
Instead I just crawled closer to mark
And intertwined my legs with his
Praying that I wouldn't have anymore nightmares tonight
I'm guessing Mark heard me
Because he put his arm around me
And whispered
"Sleep well."
And I did

The next morning, I talked to Mark about my nightmares
"I don't know what to do," I said
"They scared me"
"Yeah," he replied "I noticed you were waking up a lot in the middle of the night."
"But what do I do?"
"Well, first we have to identify what those nightmares mean." He paused to think.
"Do you feel guilty about shooting 'The Man'?"
"Yes," I said almost immediately.
"...because I think that's what your first dream represents. You're thinking about how he probably felt when he got his a*s kicked."
I giggled. Mark always made me feel better on those bad days.
"And in your second dream," he continued. "You still feel guilty for running away after he shot me. Right?"
"I do."
"But you ran and came back, which was the best decision, because then how could you have gotten that gun if he was blocking your way?"
I looked down at my feet.
"Look," Mark began. "I know you feel guilty for killing him, but you did it for a good reason. You didn't become a murderer - you just stopped a murderer."
"So don't worry about that." He smiled
I shrugged
"Oh pa-lease! Don't be such a little drama queen!" I laughed and he playfully picked me up and let me lay on top of him. He put his arms around me and just held onto me like that forever with his eyes closed.
"I'm just so glad I'm here with you right now." He kissed my head. "I hope we could stay like this forever."
"Me too."
I stared into his beautiful eyes.
He stared back at mine.
And we just kept staring and staring until he finally whispered "You're beautiful."
And I blushed and held his face. I let my lips get closer to his and we just pecked.
Just pecked
Did it feel weird? Yes.
Did it feel awkward? Yes
But did it feel good? Definitely
Then he brought his head up and we pecked again
Then we smooched
Then we kissed
It felt rewarding and satisfying
And relaxing
But it felt too awkward to do again
But we did it anyways
And the longer we held it for,
The more natural it felt
It was the weirdest, sexiest thing I ever experienced
But I'd do it again in a heart beat
We kissed roughly one last time
And then I put my head down
And breathed deeply
Into the sweet smell of cologne on his chest
And he still held onto me
And we just smiled to ourselves
Like we just leveled up our relationship
And got an achievement
Except this was even better
I had Markiplier wrapped around me
Like any hardcore fangirl would want
And he was all mine
At least in my dreams

But then I began to cry
Because I knew he'd be gone
By the time I woke up
So he just held me closer
"Mark," I said
"Yes?"
"There's... There's something I need to tell you. You might think I'm crazy...."
I listened to his steady heartbeat
"You can tell me anything, love,"
"...okay..."
I took in a real deep breath.
"None...
None of this is real."
"Huh?"
"This is all a dream. I'm just in my bed, sleeping, dreaming about this."
Mark said nothing
"But it feels so real...and, and I can sense everything that's happening."
"Ok."
"Am I crazy?"
He rubbed his hand up and down my back. "No," he replied.
"I've been thinking that too."
I sat up. "Really?"
"Yeah. I don't remember why I was walking past that alleyway
Or why I had a big lock on my front door
Or why my house was big and had a pool and looked so nice."
He sighed. "I think we're both just... dreaming."

I knew it ought to be true
But I couldn't accept it now that it's been confirmed
I couldn't accept that this wasn't real
I didn't want to wake up and not feel Mark laying against me
Or feel his warm breath on my face as he slept
Or listen to our hearts beat in sync
Or just enjoy being held onto

I didn't want to cry alone
Or no longer taste his lips on mine
I didn't want to wake up
Never
But it was all going to end,
And when it does,
I'm going to try and go back to sleep
Hoping to have this dream again

"Mark," I whispered "I don't wanna wake up"
"Me neither, Carebear."
"I wish I could see you in real life and just cuddle forever with you."
He thought for a second
"Do you live in California?"
"Illinois." I replied.
"I see." He said. He scratched his chin. "I don't know what to do, then."
His voice cracked.
"So you're saying we'll never see each other again?" I asked him

He looked down. "I don't think so."

I'd do anything just so I wouldn't have to wake up
And just sleep forever
But soon I'd HAVE to wake up
Alone
Without any arms to hold me tight
When I had a nightmare

I sat up and held my knees
"So, I guess we just have to make the best of it." I said, staring at his beautiful chest and abs.
"Yeah." He sniffed.

That's when he sat up and pulled me closer to him
He began sobbing on my shoulder
And so did I, right on his
And I could feel cold, wet tears roll down my back
It made me twitch to feel every new drop that bled through the shirt and touched my skin
And I began to sweat
And worry about my real life
And worried about how my vacation from hell
Was going to end soon

That's when the tears died down
Like a hushed rain
And then I felt his finger
Pull under my bra strap
And let go
And pull
And let go
Then he just fingered it for a little while
But I let him

And then he turned me around
With my back to him
And massaged me
But I let him

Then I felt him
Pull me towards him from behind
With his hands on my hips
But I let him

Then he turned me around
And kissed my neck
Making his way up my lips
But I let him

Then he kissed my lips with passion and stroked my hair
And I felt him dig his tongue into my mouth
And come out to breathe heavily
And push it back in again
But I let him

And then he shoved me onto the bed
And kissed me deeper
And longer
But I let him

And we continued kissing like this until we heard a knock at the door
Mark sat up. "Hello?"
"Hello. We brought some bags of clothes that were left at your house."
"Oh," Mark got up and scrambled to get a shirt on
Then he opened the door.
"Thanks," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before taking the bags.
But he forgot to wipe away his tears
"Say, are you guys ok? Were you crying?" The old man asked.
"No, we're, we're fine..."
"Alrighty then... Oh and just a reminder - The breakfast buffet ends at 10:30."
"Thanks," Mark said before closing the door.

That's when he removed his shirt once again, crashed into me, and we continued kissing.

My lips and face and nose felt wet and sticky
But it felt satisfying to receive his kisses
If felt like paradise

But then he stopped to look into my eyes
"I love you, Carolina." He shook and stammered and began crying again. "And I might not show it as much as I feel it, but I'm devastated and afraid of loosing you.. And I really am. And I don't know how I'm gonna survive the rest of my life without knowing if you really exist, even after I wake up. And even if I'm not totally sure, I will still search for you. And I will find you someday. Until then, I won't love anybody else. I won't ever feel the same passion when I'm with you, not with anybody else. Finding you will make everything better. And I really mean every word I'm saying."
I cried with him and uttered, "I don't understand how it's actually possible to feel so much love for somebody that I've never even met before. But being with you in this dream turns every detail and every moment into a special memory that I'll be thinking about forever."

We continued crying

That's when we laid down
And I rested my head on his arm
And he stroked my hand with his thumb, up and down
Until we fell asleep once more
And I made sure that I made the best of it
Because you never know
I might wake up in my old room
Without Markimoo sleeping beside me
Alone


Chpt 11

After waking up about an hour later,
I looked at the alarm clock next to the bed
It was only 15 minutes until 10:30
"Mark," I said.
No response
"Mark."
Nothing.
"Maaarrkkkkk."
All I could hear was his soft, steady breathing
That's when I leaned in and kissed him on the check
His eyes opened wide and he smirked at me
"You were awake this whole time!" I playfully smacked his tummy
He laughed
"So what's the problem, m'lady?" He asked me.
"It's 10:15. We gotta eat soon."
"Oh my gosh," he looked at his watch. "You're right!"
So we got up and got dressed in a couple minutes
And we were in such a hurry,
He forgot his glasses
And I forgot to change my tear-stained shirt

Once we arrived downstairs,
Most of the chairs and tables were already being put away
Luckily we found one in the corner
It was a little sticky with pancake syrup,
But we were fine with that
After making ourselves breakfast,
We sat down across from each other

"Um, Carolina," Mark began. I focused my eyes on him. "You, you wanna talk about the dream again? But, you know, in a more positive perspective and stuff?"
"Yeah, I'd actually like that." I replied
"Ok...good. Um," he cleared his throat.
"I want to find a way to contact you.
I don't want to lose you after I wake up
I don't want anything to change
And I don't want to lose you any time soon."

"I don't want to lose you either. I love you." I replied

"Then how do we do it?" He folded his hands. "How do we - what loophole is there?"
"Well, I have an Instagram." I suggested
Mark reacted to it like it was the best thing ever "REALLY?"
He practically did a backflip
"Yeah. I even DMed you once, I think."
"Oh my gosh, that's great!" He paused for a second. "Wait, you DMed me?"
"Well, yeah. I drew a picture of you and I sent it. I'm a big fan."

That's when we both gasped
I forgot about my secret!
What do I do?
He can't date a fan!

Now I won't be able to sleep with him
Or touch him
Or cry on his shoulder
Or kiss him
Or tell him I love him...

He's never going to look for me once this dream's over
I'm
I'm a fan
And now he knows

"I...I..." He stammered. "I never knew."
Then he asked me a question that I even questioned myself.
"Why... Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I don't know." I said.
He thought about this whole thing for a couple minutes
We ate in silence

"Carolina," he began.
"Help me here. I can't be dating a fan.
I didn't even know you were a fan.
I don't know if what we're doing is acceptable."
He rubbed his face.

"Mark," I began. "Please don't leave me.
You know how I'm like.
You know I wouldn't ever do this for attention.
Or fame
Or anything.
I'm doing this because I love you.
And you're special to me.
And you care about me.
Right?
You know that, right?"

"I don't want to sound mean
Or ignorant
Or rude.
Just hear me out." He said.
"But...How do I know what you're saying is true?"

Something inside me burst
It felt like red hot acid
And lava
And I just wanted to spit it all out like poison
Right into the part of his brain
That doubts my inner feelings for this man.

That's when it happened
I flipped out
I was pissed off
That's when I grabbed his left hand and raised it towards his face so he could see it.
"LOOK AT YOUR HAND, MARK.
LOOK AT YOUR HAND
AND TELL ME I DON'T LOVE YOU."
I yelled
A little louder than I needed to.
It attracted attention
And when people saw the bandages around his hand
Many shook their heads at Mark

But by the time he turned to look at me
I already had thrown my crumpled-up napkin at my plate
And ran away
Back to our room
He was beginning to follow me
So I ran even faster
"Wait!" I could hear him shout from downstairs
"WAIT!"
But I didn't care what he said anymore

I ran back into our room
And slammed the door behind me
And I sat down
Leaning my back against the door
Holding my knees to my chest
Rocking myself back and forth
That's when I had a stupid idea
That seemed smart at the time
I grabbed his phone,
Opened notes,
And wrote a new note
Here's what it said:

Markimoo
I love you with all my heart
I really do
And I thought we could trust each other by now
But I guess not
I'm sorry if you think dating a fan is wrong
But I think it just depends on the person
And what they want from you
And honestly,
From the bottom of my heart,
All I really wanted from you was for you to love me
And when you'd say you DO love me,
My heart skips a beat
I feel happy
And I always hug you back
Did you notice that Mark?
Did you notice that I really do love you?
Or that I sacrificed my own life to save you?
Isn't that what love is?
Putting somebody's needs above your own?

And don't worry
I'm not doing anything suicidal
Or scary
I'm just out taking a walk
I need some time to think
Like you and that hill under the stars,
I need my own place where I can just relax when I'm under stress
I'll be back later
~Carebear

The second I finished that note,
I heard footsteps coming from the stairs
Quickly,
I put Mark's phone down on his bed
With the screen facing up
And hid in the bathroom
So I could watch his reaction before leaving

From a distance,
I watched Mark walk in
And look around
Calling my name
"Carolina," he said
"Carolina...
I'm sorry...
Just please come out
Wherever you are-"
That's when he saw the note on his bed.
And as he read
I could see him turn beet-red
"Oh my god...
Ai, ai...
Jesus..."
He said to himself,
While running his fingers through his hair
"Carolina?" He then yelled after finishing.
"...Carolina...
CAROLINA?"

I watched him lay back in his bed and stare at the ceiling
This was my chance to leave
So quickly and quietly,
I slipped through the open door
And walked down the stairs

Once I made it back to the lobby, some people looked at me weird
But I ignored them all
And opened the doors

Sunlight poured in and I felt refreshed
And relaxed
And I could take in the cold wind
And feel the suns warmth
And I
Could finally
Breathe

But I was still upset about what happened.
How dare he try to ruin our relationship
When it was just so perfect
I thought he wanted to be with me forever
Just like he said he did.
Was he just lying to me about that?
Is everything he's saying
A lie?

No,
I told myself
Ever since that one night
I will never lose faith in Mark
He has always been there for me
And he's always been loyal ever since

I began to think things through
You know what,
I thought to myself
Maybe it'd be best if I just came back and apologized
I mean,
I had every right to be upset
But overacting - I gotta admit - wasn't the best idea

I already missed laying next to Mark
And talking things out
Like a normal couple
In a beautiful relationship

So that's when I decided to turn around and forget all of my sadness and worries
I mean, come on!
I should be lucky to have Markiplier as a boyfriend

...Even if it never really happened

That's when I decided to make my way back to the hotel building

I kept thinking about how stupid I looked
It must've been super embarrassing for Mark,
I thought to myself
Frowning

That's when I heard something shuffling in the bushes
But I decided to ignore it and move on

I mean, why am I such a freak sometimes?
I'm an overreactant dumbass.
I wonder if he's mad
Or worried about me
Or does he even care?

That's when I heard it again
I stopped and watched the bushes for a little while
It's probably just a squirrel, I thought
And I shrugged it off

If only I would've reacted better to the situation
And calmly told him that he offended me
But that would be dumb
Because I'm not like that
I'm NOT calm
Or sane
Or relaxed
Or always happy
Or...
Perfect
I'm just a normal person
And if Mark really loves me,
He'd accept me
And all of my flaws

I stopped walking
Why should I come back and apologize?
Why isn't MARK looking for ME and apologizing?
Don't I deserve it?
He hurt my feelings
So this is HIS problem to deal with
NOT mine!

That's when something hit my head
With a big KLANG
And I fell
And I saw everything from a crooked angle on the ground
Including the shoes of a familiar man
Walking towards me
With a sack in his hand
A burlap sack
And then everything went black

Chpt 12


I probably woke up a little earlier than my kidnapper expected -

What can I say?
I never sleep well without somebody sleeping by my side
ESPECIALLY if I'm being dragged around in a bag!

- because I woke up with an excruciating pain on my skin
Of the sharp, scratchy sack
And I could feel my skin burn
And I knew it was turning beet-red
And it hurt
A lot
I really wanted to cry
But tried my best not to
Not until I knew it was safe to cry
That's when I heard a whistle
And I felt the scratching end
"You! Stop right there and put the bag down!"
I heard what I assumed to be a police officer yell
That's when the pain came back
And the bag scratched harder and faster than before
I think he's making a run for it, I thought
While trying not to cry

"Please help," I whispered

That's when I heard the c**k of a gun
"PUT THE BAG DOWN!"
"That's not happening!"

I heard a gun shot

It scared me to think that this was the kidnapper's gun
And that he won

But then the bag I was in dropped to the floor
Resulting in my leg getting bruised
"SOMEBODY HELP!" I yelled
I squirmed and tried to free myself
But it seemed to be a tied bag
With many knots
So I couldn't escape

That's when I heard the sound of a blade being pulled out
"Please don't hurt me," I whimpered

I heard a long tear
And I saw light appear before my eyes
I was finally able to stand up
And rub my shoulders
I looked around
But the only person I could see
Was a police officer
"Thanks," I said, looking around some more for the kidnapper
"He got away," I heard him say to himself
I coughed
Then I coughed some more
And then I couldn't breathe
I even had to crouch
"Woah, ma'am, you okay?"
"I'm fine," I breathed real hard and coughed louder. "But... he got away?"
"Yes," was all he said. He eyed the trees of a nearby forest

That's when I decided to run away
Far away
I didn't know where I was
Or where I was going
But I ran
Regretting everything as I went

"Mark!" I yelled the whole way through
"Mark!!"
People eyed me
And others tried approaching me to help
But I never stopped running

Why do I have to confront so many killers
And kidnappers
(And police officers)
In this dream?
I stopped running to catch my breath
And fell onto my knees
"WHY? WHY, DREAM? WHY!" I screamed to the sky
Or at least that's what it stimulated
I looked down and felt the grass
It feels so real, I thought
Or at least that's what it stimulated
I looked around at all these unfamiliar faces
Or at least that's what it stimulated

"I'M DONE!" I yelled
So I took one last breath
And squeezed my eyes shut
Before pinching myself

I opened my eyes
I'm still here, I thought
So I tried again
I pinched arm this time
And then shut my eyes
Awaiting for some change
I peeked
But nothing happened

So I thought I had to hold it longer
And I did
I even held my eyes closed for a way longer time
But STILL
There was no difference

"WAKE UP!" I yelled
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UPPP!!"
But I didn't wake up
I couldn't even see a glimpse of my old bedroom
Or my warm blankets
Or my brother, sleeping on the other side of the room

Was I ever going to escape this dream?

Chpt 13

Every noise frightened me
And it was already getting late
I tried to fool myself into believing I was safe
Which just scared me even more
I need to find that hotel, I thought
I need to find Markiplier
So I asked around the town
If anybody knew where it was
"North, take a left, go straight, make 2 rights." One lady said
"West, go straight, turn left." An old man said
"It's right by the library." A little boy said
I didn't know what to do
So I decided to keep going straight until I got a clue
But it felt like I was walking around in circles
Because I kept passing by this large tree with different leaves
Over and over again
So I switched direction
Hoping for a different outcome this time

Luckily, I got a different outcome and it led me back to the hotel
Unluckily, it was pitch black out and the only light source I had
Came from bright LED signs on different restaurants and buildings
But I finally found my way

Once I burst through the hotel doors,
I took big breaths and felt sweat trickle all over me
I knew I looked disgusting
And gross
And smelly
But I was just glad that I made it back
AND on my own!

But sadness soon overtook me
Once I entered our room
And saw Mark,
Asleep on the bed,
Surrounded in used tissues
And his own sadness
I walked closer
And saw that his cheeks were still wet with tears
And that he had rings under his eyes
And his phone in his hand
Still on and open in Google
"How to deal with loss" it said in the search bar
"Oh, Mark." I looked over to him and gave him a kiss
"I'm so sorry."
He began to wake
"Carolina...?"
"Yes?"
He sat up almost immediately.
"Oh my God, Carolina! Where have you been?!" He yelled
"Mark," I began to sink down to his level of panic. "Something happened."
"Ohhhhh, Godddddd!" He yelled. "Your skin, what happened to your skin?!"
"Just listen to me!" I yelled back. "I got kidnapped!"
His head perked up. "WHAT?"
"I was just walking to clear my head and then I heard something in the bushes. So I tried to ignore it but then I was stuffed into a bag and I was dragged away! That's when a police officer came and the guy dropped the bag and ran away! Then the officer let me free and I was lost but I finally made it back-" I swallowed a breath of air.
I began to cry
So Mark grabbed me
And wrapped me around him
And squeezed me tight
And whispered comforting words in my ear
Just like the way he did
The day he found me

"It'll be okay, you'll be fine, don't worry, don't cry, I'm right here, everything will be alright, you'll feel better soon, you're fine, calm down, breathe slow, breathe slow, breathe slow..."

I remembered it like it was yesterday

"Carolina," he began. "I need to tell you something."
"What?"
"I... 'The man'..."
I began to cry again
"I got a phone call..."
I held my breath and hoped for the best
"He... he's gone."
"GONE?" I yelled "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'GONE'?"
"He's not in the kitchen anymore. Carolina, how do you know you shot him in the head?"
I held him closer "I... I don't know..."
He breathed in deeply. "What if he followed us here?"
My vision blurred with tears
And my feet went cold

I could remember the way The Man passed by my room
And the way Mark trampled him
And the sound of the gun
And the fear in his voice
And the way The Man held Mark by the hair
And the rush I got from picking up his gun
And then shooting him
Presumably dead
But I was wrong
Was it all just a lie?
Was it just my imagination?
Did I really shoot him?
No, I thought
Of course I shot him
Even the police saw it when they arrived
Then how is he still alive?

I didn't know
I just knew that now
We were safe
I felt safe
I enjoyed Mark's company

And I didn't want it to be gone by the time I woke up

"Mark," I said.
"Yes?"
"Did you... did you want to know my Instagram?"
"Oh yeah!" He grabbed his phone and opened Instagram.
"What is it? What is it? What is it?" He kept asking me
"Ok, ok, ok, ok. So..."
I watched him pick a random photo and select "DM to..."
"P-i-zz-a, pizza."
"Okay..."
He wrote the word "pizza"
"G-i-r-l, girl"
He wrote the word "girl"
"Instagram"
After typing the last letter, he turned his phone so I could see it clearly.
"Like this?" He asked
I scanned every letter
Once
Twice
A million times
Until I knew for SURE that he got it right.
"Yeah." I answered
That's when he pressed "send to pizzagirlinstagram"
And I sighed happily
But sadness still filled my heart
"I still don't think I'll receive that though," I frowned
He frowned too. "I know."
"Just try to remember it well enough so that you'll know it when you wake up."
"Yeah, I'll try." He replied

Then he looked over to me,
Looking into my eyes,
While I was looking at his

That's when he picked me up
And laid me down next to him on the bed
And he held me so close
I could feel his hot breath on my face
He rubbed my red arms slowly
And then I felt the pressure of his lips on mine
He kissed me passionately
Yet softly
Like the way an innocent devil would
And it felt relaxing
The world around us hushed
So that the only thing we could hear
Was the beat of our hearts
Soon falling in sync
I felt like I was flying
And looking down at my worries and fears
In the burning depths of hell
Gone forever, it seemed like

He then stuck his tongue between my lips
And I did the same with mine
And every few seconds
We could open our mouths to breathe
And I could taste his breath

I ruffled his hair
And he pulled my body closer to him
And listened to my panting
I wasn't used to this
So I couldn't breathe right
He giggled in between kisses

That's when we stopped to breathe
And for a little while we just panted
Until Mark whispered
"I'm sorry about today.
I'm sorry for the way I acted
And how I made it seem...
Seem like I don't trust you."
He held me closer
"I just had a girlfriend a year back
Who only dated me because
She was a big fan.
She was perfect
And always lit up my day
Until I found out she was a liar."
I nodded, still panting
"So, again I'm sorry for acting the way I did
It's just that...
It's just that you reminded me of her
And I wanted to make sure that
I could react better
So I wouldn't get hurt as much as she hurt me."

I understood
And I felt guilty for what I did
And how I reacted
And what I said
And how I embarrassed him
"Mark, I-"
"Shhhhh," he whispered. "I know."
And then we closed our eyes
And listened to the night

And the last thing I heard
Before falling asleep was
"I love you,"

Moments later,
I felt my muscles ease
And all my pain disappear
Everything blurred
And spun
And I lost all the pressure of Mark's arms holding me
Uh oh,
I thought
Another dream

I just hoped it was a good one

First I saw fog
It was white fog
It hovered over a dark forest
I could see the outline of a man
And as the fog cleared up
I knew it wasn't just "a man"
It was "The Man"
And he was staring at me
With a smile as evil as hell
He had a burlap sack over shoulder
And I could hear Mark squirming
And grunting inside of it
Yelling "HELP! HELP ME!"
But I couldn't move
That's when "The Man" took out a knife
And I watched in pain

My feet wouldn't run
My hands wouldn't reach
But my heart still beat fast

That's when he pulled back his knife

No

And stabbed the bag

No no no!

Mark then moved and squirmed more and more and more

NO!

Until it began to slow down

...Why?

And the bag quickly turned red with blood
And I could hear him scream
And take his last breath
And the squirming stopped completely

"You... you monster!" I barely yelled

He stared at me
But his face was red
And his eyes glimmered
And he even sniffed
"I know," he whispered
And then he grabbed me
And shoved the knife into my neck
The pain increased
And I felt a pinching in my throat
That's when blood came spewing out
And my breaths became short
Until I could no longer breathe anymore
I fell to the ground
Seemingly chocking
And as all of this happened
I did nothing
But pay attention to his face
Wet with tears
"I'm sorry"
We're the last words I heard
Before everything turned black

I woke up immediately
But this time
Tried not to get Mark's attention
And scaring him
So I just laid there
With sweat trickling down my neck
And worry filling my mind
I stared at the wall
But I was so scared
I couldn't think
I couldn't concentrate
And I couldn't sleep
So I planned on spending my last hours of "rest"
Staring at a wall
I wanted to hold Mark
But I wanted him to sleep peacefully
Unlike me
So I stayed frozen
Until he finally woke up
Only minutes later
He gasped
And didn't even look at me
He just stared at the wall too
And I watched him the whole time
That's when I placed my hand in his
And our fingers intertwined
"You too?" I said
"Yeah," he answered, panting
And after a while, I looked over to him again
"What was yours?" I asked
"He... he killed you... right in front of me." He replied. "You?"
"Same thing. But it was you he killed."
"In a bag?"
"Yeah."
He held me close to him
"This is so messed up," he whispered
"I know,"
"So what now?"
"Just..." My voice cracked. "Just hold me closer."
So he did
And we cried
We cried together
It was loud,
I know
But it felt good to cry

"I don't even know why I love you so much," he whimpered.
"But I just do."

"Imagine it all ending tomorrow." I whispered back

That's when he hugged me and cried more
"I don't want it to," he said
"Then what do we do?"
"Let's just stay up together...
Because I'm way too scared to sleep." He replied sleepily
"Me too."
So we just cuddled while staring at the wall
As if something was gonna happen
But nothing did
We just spent all night
Thinking

The possibilities were endless
Of what our dream
Really meant

Chpt 14

It was morning
It came too early, though
I still wanted to snuggle next to Mark
And I still wanted him to fall asleep on my shoulder
So I could too
But it didn't happen
And so we sat up with purple lines under our eyes

The day light was unbearable
I hated it
With all of my heart
If only we didn't have that dream
We'd sleep peacefully
And I could watch him smile in his sleep
Before I would close my eyes

"Mark, look at me."
"Yeah?"
"Just look at me
And tell me that we seriously
Didn't get any sleep last night
Because of 'The Man'."
He looked down
Then back at me
"We - seriously - didn't get any sleep
Last night
Because of 'The Man'."
He whispered, smiling
I rolled my eyes and laughed
"See," I said.
"This is why I love you."
I laid down
"But I'm soooo tired though!"
"Yeah," he said
Still smiling at me
"What?" I asked him, giggling
He cleared his throat
"I'm just happy to be here with you.
Like... Like I don't care if we got any sleep
I'm just glad you're here with me."
"Awe," I grinned and placed a kiss on his forehead.

That's when I saw something
A vision

There I was,
Alone in my room
On my small bed
Up against a cracked wall
With damaged windows
That continued to drip rain
And I could see my dirty closet
In front of me
And I had my iPad on my lap
Opened in Notes
Writing a fanfic
About a man
I would never meet

The flashback finally ended
With me crying to myself
That it would never happen

I jumped
"MARK!"
"WHAT?"
I looked around at my surroundings
I was back in OUR room
In the HOTEL
And then I exhaled
Real slow

"I... I had a vision."
I began
"I was back in my room
And I was crying
Because you weren't there
And I was
All
Alone."

He looked at me seriously
"Mark,"
I said again
"I think it's almost over."
I began to cry
But he wrapped me around him
I was aware of the tears in his eyes
But I said nothing
And just kept crying instead

"I'll miss you,"
He whispered
"I really will."

I looked up.
"But how do I know you'll remember me
Even after you wake up?"

"I'm not sure," he whispered

So we just laid there
Crying into each other's shoulders
Until I heard a gasp

"I..." He began.
"I had a vision just now.
I was at home
In my huge bed
But it was empty
And it felt
...lonely."

I sighed and we laid in silence
Occupied by our own thoughts

"I need you," he finally said
"I need your smile
And your laughter
And your sadness
And your tears
And your lips
And your warmth
And you,
Sleeping in my arms."

I pulled him closer
And held his head
So that he'd be looking straight at me
"Mark,
I just want to let you know...
I do exist
I'm not just some stimulated person
In this dream
I'm actually real
As real as you are
And you WILL doubt this when you wake up
You know you will
So just listen to me
I
Really
Do
Exist
Remember that.
Now I don't care if you doubt yourself
Just remember my Instagram
And remember my name
And we WILL find each other
I promise."

That's when I held his hand
And he looked into my eyes
And he told me
He would be looking for me
Forever
Until we finally met again

But to be honest,
I doubted everything he said
I doubted everything I said
I just couldn't believe anything
That was going on

That's when he began to glow
And blink away a tear
"Goodbye, Carebear."
He whispered
"I... I love you."
And I watched him
Disappear
Just like that

My hand,
No longer holding his hand,
Fell onto the mattress
And so did my hope
I reached out to where he used to lay
But felt nothing
"He really IS gone," I cried

And then I heard a knock at the door
"Whaaatttt?" I whined
No answer
"Hello?"
Nothing
I sat up
And looked at the door
I saw a paper slip underneath
So I got up
And picked it up
"IT'S ME," it read
I gasped
And felt weak
And light-headed
That's when the door fell down
And I quickly ran into the closet
As The Man came in
With multiple weapons in his hands
"Where *pant*
Are *pant*
You?" He yelled
That's when he found me,
Grabbed me by the shirt,
And laid me down on the table
I struggled
But he was too strong
He was holding me down
And I couldn't get up
That's when he reached for his knives
And began slitting my throat
Until it bled
Then he went in deeper
And deeper
Until I couldn't breathe anymore

It scared me
I was panicking inside
And the panicking was killing me
I just wanted to die already
I just wanted the pain to be over
But it was slow
And it hurt like hell

And then he shot my hand
And watched me die
My last thought being of Mark
Remembering when he almost died
And I decided to stay strong
As the pain faded
And everything went white

That's when the white glare came into focus
I almost cried when I realized where I was
- in my room
Everything was the way I was used to seeing it as
Same broken windows
Same dirty closet
Same hand-me-down pajamas
Same smelly stuffed animals
Same small, lonely bed
Which was only meant for one person to sleep in

Mark

I already missed him
I missed the way he'd stroke my hair
Or the way he'd listen to me cry
And hold me closer
Or the way he understood me
When I made no sense
Or the way he cared for others
And me
I wanted to cry out all my problems
And listen to our hearts beat in sync
But he wasn't there anymore
So I didn't know what to do
I checked my phone
It was 6:00
Ugh
That was the 4th time this week that I've woken up this early
If only I woke up a little later
Because then
I could have Mark in my arms
For a little while longer

Damn
How I really wanted him to be here next to me
He is my one and only bæ
So I don't understand why this wonderful dream had to end
I checked my phone again
Luckily it's Saturday
I can try and go back to sleep
And then I could be with Markiplier again!
I sighed
But he's already awake
He probably won't try to go back to sleep too
He's a busy man
He has work to do
So what's the point?
...
What if he's thinking this same exact thing I'm thinking
Right
Now?
I should probably get back into that dream then

So I closed my eyes
And hoped for the best

Chpt 15

After trying over and over and over again,
I finally made it back into that dream
On that bed
In the hotel room
But it wasn't the same as before
I expected it to be empty
Except for Mark laying down with me
But actually
It was full of Marks and mes
All of these memories
Here in this bed, seeing one Mark cry because I was lost
Here on the... grassy? ... floor, watching another Mark and I sharing our secret fears beneath the stars
Here on the ... hospital bed? ... a me, crying right next to a different Mark
Then another Mark, kissing me passionately
And this other one, disappearing on that bed as we cried together

And then there on that table,
I could see the last Mark
Crying over my dead body
Where The Man killed me

I wanted to hug him
But it was just a memory
Just part of the dream
A part I wasn't in yet
I can't believe he came back earlier and cried
He looks devastated, I thought
I really wanted to hold him

So I walked slowly towards this Mark
And tried to put a hand on his shoulder
But it just went right through him

So,
I thought
This is it

That's when I saw him look at the knife in my throat
And pick it up
And look at it
Thinking

No, I thought
Don't do it

"Mark!" I yelled
But this was only an illusion
He couldn't see me
But I hated seeing him
Especially like this
- hopeless

He breathed in and out
Repeating to himself
"It's only a dream, it's only a dream, it's only a dream,"

Is he even trying?

First he looked over to my dead body
And put his lips on mine
My dead lips
And brushed it with his
I watched him peck me in silence

That's when he brought the knife close to his chest
Breathed in and out real deeply
But then last minute
Threw it out the window

He then looked at my remains once again
And cried once more
"I promise," he said in between desperate breaths of air
"I will find you."

And then he disappeared

And so did I

Back in the real world
I felt cold
And scared
And lonely
Mark really was gone
I was never gonna see him again
I sighed
I didn't want to cry
So I decided not to
It put pressure on my eyes to hold it all in
It hurt
And it made me feel awful
But it was something I had to do
If my mom or dad were awake
They'd ask questions
Like,
Immediately
So I had to keep quiet in my sorrows

That's when I remembered something
I quickly grabbed my iPad
And opened Instagram
"Come on, come on, come on, come on!" I whisper-yelled to myself until I opened my DM box

I stared at the screen in shock

I looked over at my brother
And at my wall
And then I laid back and stared at the ceiling

There's,
I swallowed
There's nothing there
I began to cry
I thought he loved me
I thought he'd remember me
I thought,
I sighed
I thought he'd believe me when I said I was real
It's just that...
I exist
And it hurts that he doesn't know it
I got up and opened my window

"I'm here," I whispered, my face barely touching the netting
I grabbed onto the window pane
"Don't leave me alone, by myself,"
My hands clenched harder around the rim
"You promised, Mark..."
I squinted to keep the sun's rays from blinding me
And to keep the tears from falling
And to not look him in the face
As if he was right in front of me
"I thought you..."
My stomach ached
My head hurt
My chest felt ready to explode
My heart...
Well,
Let's just say it was hurt badly
And needed fixing
"I thought you loved me,"

The wind stirred
And blew my hair back
And made me tilt a little bit
I tried closing the window
But by then
It had already hushed itself
Just like when Mark was by side
Just like how I'd scream and cry
And he'd always be there to calm me down

I fell back onto the bed
And felt a sudden rush of anger
That stupid son of a b***h!
He left me
He ditched me
He hates me
He never loved me
If he loved me
He'd be looking for me
He'd tell me that he's looking for me
But he isn't
Of course he isn't

I raised my hand,
Tensed,
And stuck out my middle finger
"F**k you," I mouthed
I could feel guilt pour over me
Like cold shower water
It hit me hard
And a chill crawled up my spine
But it felt good
Even pleasing
To hate
The chills are comforting
And relaxing
I don't need him!

My finger still lingered
Up in the air
I told myself I'd hold it
For as long as I hated him
Which would be
Forever

So I never put it down
Until I heard footsteps in the hallway
But it reminded me of the way The Man
Took those steps down Mark's hallway
And almost killed him
I quickly pulled my hand back
And breathed in deeply
Looking down at my feet
And listening to my fast heartbeat
Wondering if he really did remember me

Chpt 16

"Carolina?" I heard my mom whisper
I pretended to be sleeping
The door was cracked open
And I peeked just enough to see her staring at me
She sighed and closed the door

So I took out my iPad and opened iMessage
But paused once I opened the keyboard
They won't believe me,
I thought
They won't believe that I dreamt about him again
And that we kissed and snuggled and that he's actually thinking about me right now
No
They'd think I'm stupid
They'd think I'm taking this way too far
They'd call me an idiot
Or just ignore me
Or think I'm a liar
Or just
Not do anything

I sighed,
Opened Notes,
And continued writing my fanfic
It was stupid, I know
But it was my escape from it all
Some people fight,
Some people scream,
Some people get angry,
I just write fanfics
I guess it's just... what I like to do.

That's when I heard more footsteps
I dug my iPad into my blanket
And got into position
Yet nobody came in
So I decided to just get up and eat

As I emerged from my lumpy bed
And walked through the crumb-covered floor
And made my way out into the hallway
And down the stairs
And into the kitchen,
I thought about the dream again
It was weird to imagine actually meeting Mark and not freaking out
It's like I became a million times more mature in my dreams
And what about how we were dreaming the same thing?
How is that possible?
Wifi?
Bluetooth?
How???

I grabbed myself some cereal and munched on a bowl of Chocolate Krispy Rice
Why is this man such a big deal in my life?
I mean, he IS Markiplier,
But why do I love him so much?
Why is he this special to me?
And why do I miss him if I technically never even met him?

All of these thoughts spun around my head and wouldn't leave me alone.

Does he miss me too?

I almost chocked on my cereal at how stupid that sounded
-Hell no,
None of this ever happened
So go cry yourself a f*****g river, idiot
-Shut up b***h
-How about you shut up about your little MARKIMOO?
-Shut. Up.
-Haha f**k you loser. FOREVER ALONE!

My thoughts and feelings were debating with each other
It hurt
A lot
Because it looked like my side was losing
But that's ok...

I guess

I hadn't realized that I just scarfed down a whole bowl of cereal in less than a minute
Until I felt nothing on the spoon I brought to my mouth

As I dumped my bowl into the sink,
I suddenly felt a chill
Like a cool breeze

"Carolina,"

I looked to my right and walked towards an open window
And I grabbed the rim
And slammed it down...
Hard

"Shut up!" I yelled at...
No one
And speed-walked back to my room
And shut the door

"Carolina,"

There it was again
This time it was my bedroom window
So I stood onto my bed
And shut it

But as I was standing there,
Standing in front of the window
I saw a flash of light
Almost like a vision
I don't know
Maybe
Just maybe
It was a vision

It was for a split second
I saw an image of Mark
Talking to his camera,
Tears in his eyes

I blinked real hard
And scratched my head
"What?" Was all I said
Before realizing that I haven't watched any Markiplier today yet

But I wasn't in the mood for it
I was too sad
Too desperate
And too OBSESSED
To see his face again for a while

So even though I really didn't feel like it,
I went downstairs to the basement and turned on the TV
And played Just Dance

...It hurt, okay?
It just hurt to try and ignore my feelings and emotions
And to try and let them go
And forget about them
By playing some dumb game

At this point, I gave up
At this point, I decided to lay around all day in bed
At this point, I wanted to eat candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
At this point, I didn't care if I gained weight
At this point, I couldn't get Mark off my mind
Because...
It hurt.
It
Just
Hurt.

It hurt not to remember what love felt like
What having a boyfriend felt like
What holding him felt like
It just hurt...
Okay?

I lost a love
And lost a life
And lost my mind
And there was nothing I could do about it

I sighed

There's so point in this, I thought to myself
I need to find a hobby
An activity
A game
SOMETHING.

The problem is, though,
My hobbies usually seem to be something illegal
Like copyright infringement,
Pirating,
Keygens,
Hacked access to websites...
Things like that.
But it was a fun and interesting thing to spend my time with, anyways
So I guess...
I guess I'll do that

I opened my MacBook and looked at my list of "hobbies"
"Ok, let's see here," I murmured
"Screen flow keygen, nah,
iMovie update download, maybe,
Whitepages.com for Mark-"
I stopped right there,
Relaxed my tensed shoulders
And sighed once more
"No,
Never again."

I let go of my head's weight and let it drop onto the back of the seat
And let out a long moan
"I don't need him," I said
"He's a f*****g liar."

And from that moment on I decided FOR SURE,
That I was never letting this man come back into my life again
He lied
He was never going to look for me
And he never really loved me
And if not
He just totally doubts my existence
I jumped off my chair and stormed upstairs, shutting the door behind me
"I'M RIGHT F*****G HERE!" I yelled
"CAN'T YOU SEE ME???"

That's when I realized my huge mistake of swearing out loud
I began to cringe once I heard footsteps approaching
Closer and closer to my room
But surprisingly,
I didn't feel like crying
I didn't feel like whining or sobbing or feeling sad
But instead I felt rage and anger flow through me
And make me feel hot and sweaty
And as the steps got louder
I just stood my ground

"Carolina,"

There it was
I heard it again
But I was tired of hearing this mysterious voice calling me
Who does he think he is?

"Shut up," I uttered quietly

"Carolinaaa," the voice moaned

"Enough,"

I waited for it to say my name again
But no
There was no sound
I could finally relax

That's when I heard the door knob twist
I crossed my fingers and kept my eyes shut
"Oh, hey," said a familiar voice

It was my younger brother, Andrew.

I sighed loudly
"Thank God it's just you," I murmured
"What?"
"...nothing."
He stared at me for a little while, but then looked away.
"What are you doing here?" I said, glaring at him
He bent down to pick up some books. "Doing reading homework."
"Hmph." I grunted.

I know my attitude sucked
But that's just how I felt
I was lied to by my hero
He's betrayed me
But I still love him
My whole f*****g camera roll is tainted with his photos for f**k's sake!
I'm subscribed to him
And I follow him on Instagram and on Twitter
...
I'm a f*****g addict
A f*****g -
I admit it
- a fangirl
A motherfucking fangirl
Pardon my vocabulary,
But I felt like s**t
Literally
Like I didn't belong
I didn't deserve to be here
I deserved to be flushed down the toilet
That's how s****y I am

I watched Andrew begin to leave.
"Door," I reminded him

You see, my brother and I have this code-thing.
If I say "door",
He has to shut the door on his way out
And if I say "crack",
He has to leave it barely cracked open
You know,
For those dark nights when I need a little light from the hallway

I know it's bossy
And mean
But I kinda like it
And if I can be totally honest with you,
I think it was a pretty smart idea
Because I mean, come on,
I only have to say one word to control the freakin door angle!
I think that's awesome,
Being the lazy person I am :P

He walked out, shutting the door behind him

I was still a little pissed off about Mark
But I decided to ignore my feelings and focus on other things

I paused

Other things, I thought
What other things?
I mean,
All I ever do is fangirl,
And gossip,
And pretty much wanna scream all the time,
And that's all because of him

He's so perfect,
-Wait,
Wait,
What are you thinking?

Oh great
My mind was at war once again

-What do you mean by that?
-Well you can't think about him anymore
-Why?
-Because he's a lying b*****d

"Carolina,"

-Omg,
Did you hear that?
-Yeah,
Yeah I did
And I'm f*****g tired of it

I slammed my head into the wall
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I yelled at the mysterious voice
But it wouldn't

"Carolina,
Carolina,
Carolina,
Carolina,"

It seemed like every single collision
Would cause my name to be called once again
I wondered if it was my parents wanting me to be quiet
But I knew that wasn't it
They wouldn't sound so calm
In fact,
They'd be storming in here
Ready to take away all of my possessions

To be completely honest with you,
I don't really enjoy the company of my parents
Well
Pretty much anybody's company nowadays
It's probably just a girl thing
I don't know
I just prefer to be alone in my room
Watching Markiplier

There,
I said it
"Markiplier"
Hope you're happy.

...Cuz I'm not

Chpt 17

I spent the rest of the day crying in my room
I did find it a little weird that nobody checked on me that day,
But Saturdays are usually busy days for my family
So I guess I could sorda understand

But I felt alone
Nobody was here to comfort me
And I felt like nobody cared
I knew Mark didn't care
He never cared

"Carolina..."

And what about that goddamned voice that's been bothering me all day?!
I felt like punching a wall
Every minute I'd hear that voice.
I even tried recording it on camera
But when I would play it back,
I wouldn't hear any voices
F**k, I thought

So

Is this how this ends?
Is this how this story finishes itself?
Is this how it wraps itself up?
Never seeing Markiplier again?
Never getting the chance to feel his embrace whenever I felt like crying?
Never being loved ever again?

I could feel a tear make its way down my face
I missed him
I really did
But he's gone now
He probably wasn't even here in the first place
So does that mean I shouldn't even feel a sense of loss right now?
Because I do
I sure do

Before I even knew it, it was time for dinner
Hold on, I thought
Does that mean I skipped lunch?
I could feel my stomach grumble
Goddamn,
I must've forgotten, then

But I didn't feel like eating
Even though I was starving
I felt like I didn't deserve to eat anything

Sadness washed over me like rain
I knew it was a bad thing to do to myself,
-You know,
Not to eat-
And I knew it for a fact
But I couldn't think
I couldn't concentrate
And I just...
Didn't feel like it

I knew Mark wouldn't want me to do that
But I knew he didn't care
Maybe
I don't know
I just don't know anymore

I clutched my blanket with my fists so hard
That my nails left marks on my palms
Now I wasn't sure if I loved him or hated him
It's like I don't-

"Carolina,"

Ugh!
Why won't that voice go away!
I'm so tired
And hungry
And I don't think I'm even worth it anymore!
Yet this strange voice
Thinks I'm deserving enough to listen to him repeat my name
Over and over again
Like my regrets replaying itself in front of me
Well
I hate it
I freakin hate it!
I got off my bed and stood up
"Go away!" I yelled at the ceiling

Silence.
Finally.
"Jeez!" I grunted,
Sitting myself back down onto the bed

That's when I heard faint weeping
"Carol...Carolina," the voice whimpered
It reminded me of Mark's crying
So I decided to act less tense
I stared at the ceiling once again

"Who..." I began. "Who are you?"

No response
The weeping got louder, though
And I could hear this voice hiccup
And cough in between breaths
That's when I realized it was masculine

"Don't cry,"
I laid down onto my back
"Please,"

The sobbing finally died down
But not much
I wanted to cry too,
No, I thought
I decided that I was old enough to hold it in

I soon wondered if it was ever gonna stop
It's like the crying lasted forever
That's when I decided to ignore it
It WAS getting pretty boring
And there was probably no point to this
So I decided to try and go to sleep
Hopefully I'll be able to wake up happy and refreshed for church tomorrow,
I thought to myself
But I knew it wouldn't happen
I sighed
The crying still didn't stop
I didn't even know WHY he was crying
Or HOW I could even hear him
Was he outside?

I thought about getting up and checking the widow,
But decided to ignore it
It's for the best, I guessed
So I decide to just let it go

That's when I was finally able to fall asleep
Even after my many failed attempts
I was really hoping to have that dream again
Because I really wanted to talk to Mark
And tell him I was depressed over not seeing him in real life
And that somebody was calling my name every minute
And that he was crying
And that I began to cry too

But no
I didn't have that dream
Instead I dreamt of watching a clock tick
In a whole room of mirrors
And no matter where I looked
I could always see me
And no matter where I would try to run
I could never escape
Guilt
Worry
Fear
Anxiety
Everything terrible filled me up inside
And so I used my own tears as a trail
So I could find my way back
Wherever that was
Then once I finally found the door,
It was locked
And no matter how many times I pushed
Or pulled
Or kicked
Or punched
Or screamed,
It wouldn't even budge
I sobbed some more
"What's the point?
Why am I here?"
I whimpered in between desperate breaths of air

And that's when I THOUGHT I woke up
But I could already tell it was a dream
The second I recognized where I was

I was back in that hotel room
And there he was,
Mark Edward Fischbach,
Sleeping beside me

This shocked me.
I was so happy to see him again
Yet so awfully heartbroken
Because I knew that none of this was real

But it still caught me by surprise
So I gasped
Like really loudly
And it made Mark flinch
Which I'm guessing woke him up
Because I saw him peek a little bit to see what was going on
And once he saw me
And realized that I was right here beside him
He smiled
And simply whispered, "Carolina,"

But then everything blurred and turned white
And I knew I was awake for real

I listened to the rain of an upcoming storm
And felt it trickle all over me
From the cracks in the windows

I still couldn't believe it
I was back in that dream
I mean,
Yeah,
Only for a couple seconds
But it was a clue
Some kind of a hint
About that voice I was always hearing
It was Mark
I was 100% positive it was
And he was calling me
He WAS looking for me

Damn, I thought
I wish I would've realized that earlier
Stupid me!
Mark always cares
In fact,
He is probably the most caring person on the whole planet

But seriously, though.
What was I thinking?

That's when I realized the mysterious crying in the midst of the rain
"Carolina," the voice hopelessly uttered once more
But this time,
I looked up and grinned
"Mark," I replied
And then the crying finally stopped

Chpt 18

The next day I felt happier
And more special
Than I usually felt every other Sunday
In fact
I didn't feel tired or weak that day
I felt energized and refreshed
If only I could tell somebody everything that's been going on
I grunted
As if anyone was going to believe me
I sighed
Oh well
More for me!
I giggled at my own joke

I looked over at my iPod
"8:45," it read
Might as well get up early, then
I thought to myself
But once I got up and went downstairs
I saw that my dad was sick
He was coughing and sneezing

I immediately felt guilt rush over me
If only I spent less time in my room yesterday...
I didn't know he was sick!

"Honey," he moaned. "I don't think we're going to church today."
"Oh..." I relaxed my shoulders. "Okay."

So I walked back into my room and crawled under the covers
And as I did, I felt something hard hit my foot
And after a whole foot examination of this mysterious item,
I finally realized that it was my iPad.
I picked it up and checked my Instagram
Ugh.
Still no sign of Markimoo in here, yet

So I just stared at the wall,
Bored out of my mind
I really wanted to do something
But what could I even do?
I thought about Mark again
God,
How I love him
I'm so glad he's actually looking for me
And that he actually cares...
But
How could I hear hear him when he called my name?
And how could he hear me?
And what about that dream last night?
How is it possible for something like that to happen?
How do I know it wasn't just another dream?
How do I know he was there too?
No,
I told myself
I know he was there
Because I believe he was there
Cuz at this point,
Logic makes no sense
So why overthink it?

I drew in a heavy breath
"At least he knows I exist," I muttered
But what about my Instagram?
I thought he DMed me...

That's when I decided that at this point,
It could've been anything
Heck, his wifi probably sucked
Or he misspelled my username
Or maybe Instagram just... glitched

I decided to open YouTube and see if he really did remember me
I don't know,
He maybe could've posted a video and at least mentioned me

But no
He didn't post anything yet for today
Probably because it was still morning
But still
The answer
Was no

I sighed
Oh well,
I thought to myself
While straightening up from the bed
And heading downstairs for some breakfast

As I crunched on some cereal
I could hear dad coughing and groaning
Which kinda made it hard to eat.

This is pretty much how it sounded like:

*munch munch*
*cough*
*munch munch*
*wheeze*
*munch munch*
...
(Finally some peace and qui-)
*COUGH COUGH CHOKE CHOKE SPIT EVERYWHERE*
*omg kill me*

And every time he'd cough or wheeze or choke or SPIT EVERYWHERE,
I'd tense up to protect my cereal

But soon I was finally done with my breakfast
And I could finally relax my shoulders
-Which hurt like hell-
And ran up the stairs back to my room

As I finally made it past the door and shut it behind me,
I drew in a gigantic breath
Damn,
I thought to myself
What's wrong with him?
How'd he get so sick?
I grabbed some hand sanitizer from my desk and began rubbing it on my hands
I mean... Just how?
It's not like that can happen over night
Or can it?

I paused for a second

What made him sick?
I mean, he didn't go out yesterday right?
Was he downstairs the whole time?
I groaned
Ugh, staying there too long is practically a deathtrap
ANOTHER reason why I hate this house!

I sighed

Oh, Mark
Why did it have to end?
I hate this place
I'd prefer living with you than ever coming back here.

That's when I decided I needed to tell somebody
I couldn't keep a secret anymore
Because at this point,
I don't really care what anybody will think

And after a lot of thought and motivation,
I decided to tell one of my closest friends, Maaheen.
So I opened iMessage and began to type
"Hey," I wrote
I watched my text turn into a bubble
And the word "delivered" pop up underneath it

Come on, I thought
Read it
I NEED you to read it
I need to let you know what's been going on
I need to explain everything to you
I need to get you caught up
I just need somebody to talk to
Somebody who can understand me
And listen
And actually care about what I say

I
Need
You
To
Read
It!

I couldn't wait any longer
My impatience was taking over me
I grunted
I'll do something else, I guess
You know
To pass the time

I had an idea
What if I DMed Mark on Instagram?
So he knows I'm here
And not just something from a dream?
I paused
No, I thought
It will never work.

I already felt too discouraged
To be hopeful
To see him actually reply
As if that was ever gonna happen
Besides,
He already gets so many DMs from so many fans every day
So how in the world will he be able to see mine
Out of all those crazy fangirls?
No
It won't happen

And what if the dream
Really was only...
A dream?
It would make sense.
I mean,
It's physically impossible for two people to share the same dream
Especially if they're far
Far
Far
Away from each other

I sighed for the billionth time today
"Well," I murmured.
"It's worth a shot."

So I opened the app
And began to write him a message

"It's me, Carolina.
I just want to tell you that I love you
And I miss you
Even though I'm not even sure this even happened."

That's all I could type
Before I began to cry

It felt terrible to cry this time
Way worse than any other time I've cried
Mostly because I knew the reason I was crying
Which was the dumbest reason anybody could ever imagine

Here I was,
Some crazy girl with a huge celebrity crush,
Who just happened to have a dream about him,
Who believes that he was dreaming it too,
Thinking about sending him a message
All about things he wouldn't even know I was talking about.

I'm stupid, I thought
I'm just some insane stalker
I mean, come on
I have f*****g dreams about him!
My whole camera roll consists of his selfies!
All I ever post on Instagram is something about him!
I'm stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!

I began hitting my iPad with my clenched fist
Over and over and over again
Until the screen changed
"Oh my god," I whispered,
Realizing that I had just hit SEND.

I began to freak out
The room started to shake
My head hurt
My hands ached from continuously punching my iPad
But that didn't stop me from striking my bed,
Flailing my knuckles all around the mattress
My muscles tensed,
I was drowning in hiccups and tears,
And my whole face melted into sweat

I knew I could just delete the message with a simple swipe and a tap,
But I didn't want to
Which began yet another conflict in my head
That turned into a raging fire
Burning a stinging storm

Chpt 19


I was so desperate and overdramatic
That I forgot all about Maaheen
Because I had just received a text from her
"Wassup?" It read
Thank God, I thought
I needed somebody to talk to

So I began typing
And typing and typing and typing
It hurt my fingers and hands
And made me twitch at some points
But I didn't stop
I wrote about everything
Every single detail of the dream
How it felt to be with him
How he actually cared
How he made me laugh when I felt like crying
How I saw him disappear
And how it felt to be killed
I wrote about every single emotion I felt right now
And about the mysterious voice I heard
And how I dreamt about him AGAIN
And how I figured out it was his voice that was talking to me
And how I just DMed him
And how I was freaking out uncontrollably and couldn't stop

And then I hit send

I read over it as she did
And saw her reply as I finished it
"Wow,"
Was all she said
Which kind of disappointed me
Because it took me forever to write that message
I groaned
"So....?" I wrote
"What?"
"Am I crazy? Am I weird? Am I insane?
Are you going to avoid me
Or help me?
Do you hate me now?
Does this change anything?
Should I see somebody about this?
What do I do?
And how can I get him to see my message?"

She read it
But said nothing
I was waiting, impatiently,
Tensing up and squeezing my pillow
But she
Still
Said
Nothing

I felt sadness
And guilt
And shame rush over me
But I didn't dare let any tears escape my eyes
Nor did I want them to
No,
Not this time

I was tired of crying
So I got up and entered headfirst under my bed
And just laid there for a little while,
Sweeping my arms around the floor beneath the mattress,
Looking for a bottle

Finally, I could touch glass
And I grabbed the neck,
Bringing it out and popping the cap off
I drank it all up in an instant
Hoping to finally feel happy and free from my worries
I had been hiding this bottle under there for when I needed it most
Ever since I found it on that table at the New Years Eve party
And I was glad I had it

I could feel the warm liquid crawl down my throat
And taste this disgusting yet pleasuring taste on my tongue
It was bittersweet
But I loved it

That's when I realized it was still daytime
I'm gonna be out of it the whole day,
I thought to myself
Oh well
I sighed
Today's gonna be interesting...

I knew I wasn't super drunk
-I mean come on,
It was just one bottle-
But it was my first time actually drinking alcohol
So I felt way more tipsy than I should have

I checked the time
"11:30, already?" I exclaimed
But I really didn't care what time it was
In fact,
I really wanted this day to be over
More than anything
So I was actually kinda GLAD that it was later than I thought

God,
I already felt guilty as hell for drinking,
Especially without telling anybody,
But I really wanted to drink more
Is this how it felt like?
"I wanna get tippssyyyyy," I blubbered, even though I was pretty sure that I didn't control anything that was coming out of my mouth
I searched for more bottles under my bed

I couldn't understand why alcohol makes people act like they're idiots without feelings
When they could possibly just be geniuses with hurting hearts
I mean
I got it
I COULD understand why we needed this
But why does it happen?
Who found out?

Finally I could feel my nail tap something hard, which gave me a rush of excitement
I wrapped my fingers around another bottle and pulled it out
How many of these did I have anyway?
"I don't know," I said out loud, answering my own question
"Welp," I said after popping the cap off of this one
"Bottoms up!"
I almost chocked on the disgusting alcohol entering my mouth
But just continued to swallow more and more
I felt as if nothing could stop me
I needed this, honestly
I had mixed feelings about it
But I knew I loved it more than hated it

I wanted to wash away the pain
By drowning myself in my own tears mixed with this bittersweet drink
And I didn't want to feel anymore
I wanted to dance until I was numb
And scream until my vocal chords popped
It felt good
But I still wanted to shake and tense up
Like I was having a seizure or something

Things began to blur up
And spin
But I didn't care
It feels so good,.
I thought to myself
It feels so good...

I tipped over and fell onto my bed,
Laughing uncontrollably
That's when I opened my camera roll and scrolled through all of my photos of him
Using my middle finger
"F**k you, f**k you, f**k you, and f**k you too," I said as I passed more photos
It made me laugh even more
"Beeeaaachhhhhh" I screamed, dragging the vowel until I ran out of breath
Then I started cackling
And opened Instagram,
Popping the cap off another bottle
And taking a selfie with it

I added the caption "f**k you"
And began typing Markiplier hashtags
Well,
I tried typing...
The third bottle was really getting to me,
Causing the room to shake once again
Colors flashed before my eyes
And lights
Lots of beautiful bright lights and shapes and colors
I was starting to feel sick but I still kept drinking
Until my third bottle was finally empty

I fell back onto my pillow and giggled with joy
"Mark," I hiccuped
"You-wuh are a sta-range guyyyy..."
I began to doze off
"This...this is-uh... Yer fault-uh!"
I lifted the bottles high in the air and let them drop on top of my head,
Which left me multiple bruises on my nose and cheek
"How can a man..." I hiccuped
"Like-uh yoouuuu..."
I clanged some bottles together to the beat of a song
"Change me like thissss?"

I kept clanging the bottles together until I remembered that my dad was right downstairs
Even though I was acting totally happy and stupid
I was scared on the inside
Afraid of losing this feeling
But I tried not to show it
I couldn't believe I was hiding this from myself
I already knew it
But I was making a failing attempt to ignore it
Is this how it felt like?
And then just like that,
I already had another stupid idea

I opened iMessage and made a video for Maaheen.

"Heyyyy Maaheen..." I moved my eyebrows while going cross eyed
"Look at these babies," I said, shifting the camera towards the empty bottles that lay on my bed
"Yep. I'm drunk. I'm out of it. I don't think I can drink anymore though, heh. I got a tummmyyyyache."
I yawned real loudly
"Let's face time and shitttt."
My laughs sounded like a cow getting run over.
"So to be honest." I said, swallowing. "I'm kinda mad at you, I don't know. Just reply to my text cuz like... I'm kinda sadddd but now I'm better."
My giggles got louder.
"K byeeeeeee."
I sent her the message but was too tired to look at my iPad anymore
So I just laid there
I don't know if she even tried to call me,
Because I was asleep as soon as I put it down
I didn't have any dreams though,
Which kind of surprised me
But by the time I woke up,
My sadness took me over so much,
I just couldn't take it anymore

Chpt 20

I woke up late
3 pm, to be exact
I was so shocked to see I missed lunch...
Again.
But I wasn't that hungry
In fact,
I felt a little...
God how do I describe it...
Overflown?
I mean
It felt weird
Part of me hurt for food
And another part of me hurt from having too much

I groaned

I felt sick
Is three bottles a lot?
It felt like a lot
I was a little weak
But isn't that the usual?
It was wrong, what I just did
And I knew it
But what was I supposed to do?
It happened
And there was nothing I could do about it

That's when I felt a heavy amount of guilt make its way into my head
I mean
Why did I do this anyway?
I'm stupid
SO stupid!
If I ever were to drink for the first time,
It was supposed to be with my friends,
Joyful and perky and laughing our heads off until our stomachs hurt
But no
I spent it alone,
In my room,
Trying to get over the loss of the man I love

It wasn't the best way to start my day
I never would've thunk that I'd be a day-drinker, too
Was I really that desperate for temporary happiness?
Only to be followed by shallow sadness?

I swallowed hard.
What's the point of my existence on this earth?
"No,"
I told myself
"Don't think like that."

But it didn't stop me from regretting everything
If only I...
If only I made the best of it
And never fought with him
Or ran away-
Well,
WALKED away
-after watching him cry and call for me

"Stop it,"

But I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
Regret made me guilty
And I felt guilty for regretting
I was fighting myself
And wouldn't stop
I was either angry at myself for what happened this morning
Or for what didn't happen the other night in that life-changing dream

Just to imagine-
The feeling I got when I saw him approaching
The way it felt to actually hold his hand
Or the skip in my heartbeat when he first said my name
Or that night we laid next to each other,
Crying under the stars
Or the feeling of fear that made me bolt
Once I saw his shadow get shot and scream in pain
Or the desperation I felt as I frantically wrapped his hand in toilet paper
Or the tears I shed as I saw him on that hospital bed
Or the way it felt to have him breathing on my neck
And kissing my lips
Or how warm he was, cuddling next to me
Or how he held me closer when I had those nightmares
-all of this,
ALL OF THIS...
Never happened

We were never a couple
We were never friends
We were never even strangers
We were just two different people
Living two different lives
No connection,
Nothing

We are just normal people who do what we enjoy
He loves to play video games for his crowd
I love being IN the crowd
But there are so many other people in this crowd
You could barely notice me if I was the only one that said anything.

I'm not special

"Shut up,"
I told myself

I'M NOT!
I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!
I REALLY AM NOT!

"Yes you are,"

I really wanted to convince myself that I was worth it
And that somebody cared about me
Lots of people do
But I didn't believe it
I felt alone in this world
Like I needed somebody to sleep beside
And hold my hand
And tell me everything was alright
To finally be convinced that it was true

But until then
I'm single
And I'm staying that way
Because nobody likes me

"Untrue," I yelled back at myself

That's when I heard a buzz
I turned around
It was my iPad
I picked it up and stared at my bright screen
It was Maaheen.
But I didn't want to talk right now
"Whatever," I murmured, shrugging it off

I hated me
I was stupid
I was crazy
And way too much of a fangirl
I was f*****g addicted
I didn't deserve to live

"Woah, what?" I was startled by my own thoughts
"No!"

That's when I knew something was wrong
I needed to be calmed down
But I couldn't
So what now?
Can somebody please-

I tried to stop myself from thinking,
But it just doesn't work that way.

...Can somebody please kill me?
Because I certainly didn't want to do it
I wanted it to be a surprise
So it could come unexpected
And then I could go to Heaven
And peer down at Mark
And watch him grow
And once he dies
I could finally be with him for the first time

I scowled at how stupid I sounded
You little stalker,
I thought to myself
You want to f*****g kill yourself just so you can watch Mark
Little creep

"Shut up,"
I said again

That's when I heard another buzz
It was Maaheen again
I decided to ignore it

I felt my eyes water a little bit,
But I tried to ignore it
No, I thought
I don't need to cry
Nothing happened
Nothing changed
It was all just some crazy dream I had
It didn't mean anything
Nothing.
Nothing at all.

The tears finally seemed to stop
I rubbed my face dry with my shirt sleeve
And began to think positively
I didn't need to be thinking so harshly of myself
Because I know I'm a great person and a great friend
Okay, person-wise,
I'm not the best...
But I am pretty awesome at just being crazy
I'm like...
KNOWN for that!

Finally...
I'm calm,
I thought to myself
I'm okay, now.
There's nothing-

That's when I heard something else come from my iPad
It was my ringtone for when somebody's trying to FaceTime me
And once I heard that familiar little song,
Tears began to form in my eyes once again
And the room began to spin
I remembered the way he looked and the way he smiled
And the way his laugh sounded
And the way he comforted me
And the way he held me so close that our hearts beat in sync

I cried
And I cried because this ringtone
Was actually Markiplier's outro

"AWWW f**k!" I whisper-yelled to myself in between tears and gasps for air
Like a silent call for help
I opened up my mouth to scream
But nothing came out
Instead I began to cough and choke
Which made the warm liquids come back up into my throat
And I could taste the bitterness of guilt that I drank only hours ago

I couldn't get over this pressure I put on myself
I couldn't stay quiet any longer
I wanted to yell at the skies
And swear at my own dreams
Without being afraid of getting into trouble

An idea popped into my head
"Daaaaddd," I whined
"Yeeesss?" He groaned in a hoarse voice
"Can I go to the park?"
I couldn't hear anything.
Was he nodding?
Was he whispering?
Was his throat too much to handle?
"Yeah, sure",
I heard in between my thoughts of worry

Quickly, I changed into my clothes,
Stuffed my feet into my socks,
Grabbed a pair of shoes,
And ran out the door

Sunlight poured in
And I could finally breathe
I began running as fast as I could,
Energized by my anger and fear to make it to the park
But I couldn't make it there yet
I was too overwhelmed
I need to yell
Right now

I looked behind me
Far enough, I guess

Have you ever wanted to open your mouth to scream
But nothing came out?
Like you want to finally be released from your pressure
But you simply can't escape?
That's what happened
And that's how I felt inside

This time, I tried again
I took in as much breath as my lungs could take,
But still,
Nothing came out except a small, whispering sound
What,
I thought
WHAT?
WHAT WAS THAT???

I stopped and listened to my own breathing
It seemed normal
"Talk," I said to myself
Weird
I sounded perfectly normal
Then why couldn't I scream?

I collected my feelings and the battle of emotions fighting inside of me
And tried once again to yell
But nothing came out
Why...
Why not?

I began to walk around to wherever my feet took me.

I just wanted to let the heavens know I had fear in my heart
I wanted to let them know how worried I was about everything that passed by me
And how afraid I was of the future
I just wanted to see if it really was impossible to communicate with Mark again
Because as dumb as it sounded,
I often imagined that screaming loud enough would get his attention

Yeah, yeah
Laugh all you want
But I'm desperate...
Okay?
I'm desperate to talk to somebody who will take me seriously
I'm desperate to find somebody who will understand my problem
I'm desperate to find somebody who actually believed me
And tell me it wasn't a problem
And that it was just something like a fantasy
And that it actually worked
And that this "problem" was actually real
And that the person at the other end of the situation got it too

But no,
I'm just stupid and over attached to a man I'll never meet
In fact,
We never met in the first place
It was all some dumb dream
He doesn't even know I exist
Even though I'm always thinking about him

But how can I be so sure of anything?
My only proof is to find him
And talk to him
And see if he knew what I was saying

But what if he lies?
What if he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about
Only because he doesn't recognize me
And thinks I'm just some other fan with a crazy imagination?
What if I actually met him and asked him
But he says no?

But then again,
What if he's telling the truth?
What if he really doesn't know what I'm talking about?
And all of this was just some random stuff going on around my head?

It left me depressed knowing that I'd never find out the truth
And never will get to hold Mark next to me,
Or feel his breath on mine
Or his bare skin against my side
Or his arms around me when I felt like crying
Or his adorable laugh
When his head would fall back
And his atoms apple would budge out of his neck
And he'd desperately grasp for air between cackles between short breaths

I felt sadness pour down my legs and making them tremble as I walked

I never really had a good laugh with him
I never smiled as often as I should have
I never went a day without crying
Or feeling stuck or lost
I never really spent my time to enjoy my life with him
I just spent it sobbing on his shoulder
And listening to his heart beat in sync with mine

What were we?
I mean,
It felt like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship,
But it was a hopeless attempt to be happy
All we did was share our sadness
Instead of ignoring it and enjoying the good things in life

I hated this feeling of regret
But it overtook my mind
Pressure built up on my shoulders
And I began to pant to the beat of my footsteps
No part of me wanted to keep walking
But I still walked anyways
Why?
I wasn't sure
But it felt good to get away from home
Yet it felt awful to be alone
With only my pessimistic thoughts to occupy me

I sighed

Mark used to distract me from my stupid thoughts
And keep me happy even when I wanted to mourn my life
I wanted to be with him
I'd do anything to be with him
Anything at all

A rock hit my toe, interfering my thoughts
That's when everything moved in slow motion
I could see the sun's light move across my face
And everything tipped over at uneven angles

Nothing stayed still

That's when I could finally see clearly
I was on the ground in the middle of the street I was walking on
Something began to burn against my elbows and knees
I looked down and saw little spots of blood getting larger,
Making a small pool form across the street

I hyperventilated through my teeth as the pain increased
Until it became unbearable
I tried to scream
"Help!" I whispered
But barely any voice could be heard in the midst of the noises that surrounded me
And one of those noises began to get exceptionally loud

What was this noise?
I recognized it almost immediately
And widened my eyes in shock

It was the sound of wheels digging through a hollow street
And the alarming honk of a horn
And the deafening squeal of brakes that came just a little too close

Author's Note

HALLA